Mothers beware, this illness may effect your family
 

The local news says that football fever is spreading. How can I protect my family from these deadly fevers high enough to induce hallucinations about, I guess, sports? I've heard of 'fantasy football', is that related? Please respond right away I am very concerned for my family's health.

Have whoever is suspected to be infected to think about nothing but Curling for several hours straight. Then their body will violently reject any sports related illness they ever come across.

My entire area's been cured. By the local fucking fox station acting like a bunch of assholes and forcing DirecTV to cease broadcasting their station in a dispute over money. They don't feel they're being paid enough, so to show their displeasure, they're fucking my quarter of the state out of the chance to watch the Super Bowl.

Accorded to noted blacksmith, former news journalist, and occasional sci-fi/fantasy writer Terry Pratchett, the best cure is a knife to the face, followed by lemon dragged across the open wound.

Vast amounts of figure skating ought to do it. And if anyone says the words 'triple Salchow' outloud you're cured and inoculated forever

What if one likes both Figure Skating and Football?

Nonstop Curling until they show signs of innoculation.

They don't show it here. :P

Move to Saskatchewan. Curling is currently locked in a life-or-death struggle with football for the title of "Second most popular sport in Saskatchewan."


Thankfully, football fever is hard to get 'round these here parts. First because it's -25 C right now, so fever's are actually kind of handy. Second because the World Juniors just happened, so everyone, myself included, is officially in "Hockey all the time" mode.

Canadians nearly cured it with Hockey, it's like football but its cold so you can exert yourself more without overheating, you can fight, you have blades on your feet, a big stick in your hands, and you shoot hard disk-like objects at high speeds at your enemies, and if they don't step in front of it, you win.

Did I mention the entire field is in a cage match and is frozen solid?