New joke sig!

Ever talk about a movie with somebody who read the book? They're so condescending! "Oh the book was muuch better." You know what I liked about the movie? No reading.

-Jim Gaffigan

...So this girl come up to me and she says "Hey you wanna try E?" I go "I watch E" So she's on the E and she goes "Hey you gotta make sure I drink enough water 'cause if I don't I could Die." :eek: I didn't wanna be the designated driver! Now I'm the paramedic! And what if she does die what'll I say to her amily? I'll be at her funeral "She Loved E! She hated water"

-Comedian on Shorties Watching Shorties...i forgot his name.

California has 4 seasons: Wind, Fire, Flood and Eathquakes. It gets windy for a couple months and everything dries out, then some dumb bastard flicks a cigarette out his windo, half the state goes up in flames! That's changing of the season. Then the rain comes and puts out the fires but it staye too long so the floods come and your in your kitchen up to your knees in mud...your living room is 3 blocks away.

-Another guy from shorties watchin shorties

Okay, let's hope I get this right.


Jimmy the drunk was sitting on his porch one day when he saw little billy walk by with a hunk of chicken wire in his hands.

Jimmy, being a crochity old bastard, yells out. "Hey billy! what you got there?"

"chicken wire." Billy responds.
Jimmy snorts. "What the fuck do you need chicken wire for?"
"To catch some chickens." Billy answers.
"Damnit Child! ya can't catch chickens with just chicken wire!"
Billy shrugs and says, "I'm gonna try it out and see what happens."

So Billy goes off. a couple of hours later he walks by Jimmy's porch with about 6 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

Jimmy looks on disbelievingly, takes a shot of rum and goes to bed.

The next day, Jimmy sat on his porch and saw billy walk by with a roll of duct tape.

Jimmy, being a crochity old bastard, yells out. "Hey billy! what you got there?"

"Duct Tape." Billy responds.
Jimmy snorts. "What the fuck do you need Duct Tape for?"
"To catch some Ducks." Billy answers.
"Damnit Child! ya can't catch Ducks with just Duct Tape!"
Billy shrugs and says, "I'm gonna try it out and see what happens."

So Billy goes off. a couple of hours later he walks by Jimmy's porch with about 6 Ducks caught in the Duct Tape.

Jimmy looks on disbelievingly, takes two shots of rum and goes to bed.

The next day, billy walks by again with a plant in his hands.

"Hey Billy!" Jimmy yells. "What you got there?"
"pussywillows." billy responds.

and then Jimmy says "Hold on boy, I'm commin' with ya!"

These are evil jokes

When is it bed time at neverland ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phoe booth?
All of them.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a shower?
None of them they all get washed down the drain.

How can you tell michael jackson has a hot date?
When ther is a tricycle in the drive way.

Whats Michal Jacksons favorite country?
Canada, 14 year old consent laws...

my god, these jokes are HORRIBLE. hahahaha.

herlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Here's a true one: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/home.html <- great jokes. Participate in the study! :D

I think that was voted #1 joke in canada(Though, I might be wrong)

A blond and a dark haired ladie stodd on top of a building, and jumped. which one hit the floor 1st?

The dark haired 'cow the blond had to ask for directions. (no offence)