comedy subtopic
 

what are some of the funniest jokes you guys ever heard i mean some of you has to have a sense of humour.

So...
These two guys walk into a bar and one says, "ouch!"

Also, if you're tlaking to an experienced crowd:

Three guys, lesbians, two Poles (Polish), a priest, a rabbi, etc...

But the walking into a bar and saying "ouch" is priceless to me.



For the misinformed, it was a metal bar. You'd probably say "ouch" too.

Well my sig.

Nick Swardson has a good joke about how we'll sound telling our grandkids about games we played.
Grandpa:When I was a kid we had a game with a yellow circle...and it ate dots and fruit, then it was chased by ghosts!
Kid: Kid yeah that's great...
Grandpa: And there was another game with a monkey...he threw barrels at you! and you had to jump over them or they'd hurt!
Kid: Okay I'm gonna go to the mall now.
Grandpa: Wait! Come Back! I didn't tell you about the frog who tries to cross the street!

Lewis Black is funny
There is a medical term called an aneurism...it's when a blood vessel bursts in your brain for no apparent reason...There's reason! It's when you're at he mall with some friends and the person behind you says the dumbest thing you've ever heard "If it weren't for my horse I wouldn't have spent that year in college." and those words go in your ear!...You start thinking about it every day If it weren't for my horse,If it weren't for my horse. Draving to work "If it weren't for my horseIf it weren't for my horse" Eating dinner "If it weren't for my horseIf it weren't for my horse" Finnaly after three weeks they find you dead in your bathtub bleeding out your ears!!

A preist and a nun are out playing golf.
The preist winds up, swings and misses. He yells "Shit! I missed!".
The nun turns to him. "Preist! Please watch mouth!" The preist says sorry.
The next hole, the preist winds up, misses and yells "Shit! I missed!'
The nun turns again. "Preist! Please!" The preist says sorry again.
A few holes later, the preist winds up, misses and yells "Shit! I missed!"
The nun, irritated, says "Preist, if you don't stop swearing, God will rain his wrath on you." the preist says sorry and goes on.
The next hole, the preist winds up, and missed. "Shit! I missed!" Suddenly, the clouds blacken and a bolt of lightning strikes the nun. A booming voice echoes "Shit! I missed!"

aww those are great..how bout this one
what is brown and sticky? a stick

a man went into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. the bartender replies "That's 1 cent." so the man was overjoyed at how cheap the beer was so he decided to order something to eat so he orders steak,fries..the works.The bartender calmly replies "That will be a bit expensive, total cost 4 cents."Now the man was getting suspicious so he tells the bartender" I want to speak to your manager"Which the bartender replies "He's upstairs with my wife".The man asks"what's he doing upstairs with your wife?"The bartender replies "The samething I'm doing to his business!"

How do you make a one-armed Retard fall out of a tree?

Wave to him.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint

Did anyone see "Last Comic Standing". The stuff on that show was hilarious. For those of you who didn't catch it, here are some good jokes I rememeber.

Ralphie: She was so skinny, they faxed her to the hospital.

Dave: Me and my dad got a bus and took out all the seats and turned it into a camper. You would think he would've got a normal bus, but no, he had to get a deal on a short bus. Now we look like special campers.

Dat: My mom made the hottest meals ever. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" "LAVA!"

Cory: My dad apotped one of those foriegn kids that you send money to everyone month. I hate her. My dad alwasy said, "Why are you not happy? Shusumba's happy. Shusumba built an irrigation ditch for her village today, what the heck did you do?"

You stole my joke. Bastard.

Either way, two sausages were sitting in a pan. One turns to the other and says: "Damn, it's hot in here." And the other one says "Ah! Its a talking sausage!"

This is a religious joke, but my jewish friend told me, so it's okay.

Two jewish people are walking down a street, and notice a catholic church. Outside the church is a sign that says "Get converted today and receive $1000!"
J1(jewishman 1)- Wow, this sounds almost too good to be true. But do we really want to abandon our faith for a thousand dollars?
J2- How about this, I'll go try it out and get the thousand and see if they pay. God will forgive me if it saves some others.

Finally, J2 returns. J1, glad to see his companion, inquires as to whether or not he got the funds. J2 replies...
J2- You goddamn greedy jews! All you ever think about is money! May you burn forever in eternal hellfire!

What's black, white and red all over?

A nun falling down the stairs.

I know where you got those jokes... My friend was bored and looking up jokes on the internet, found a bunch of corny ones (Those two inlcuded).

What did Batman say to Robin before getting into the batmobile?
"Get in the batmobile Robin."

How do you make a clown stop laughing?
"You hit him in the face with an axe."

This one works better if said out loud, but here goes.

What's long and hard and full of seamen?

....A boat, you sick bastard.

What should you say to a talking frog?
Nothing. You should run

Knock Knock...
Who's there?
You know damn well who it is! You're the one who locked me in here!

Two guys walked into a bar the third one ducked.

Guy1:I don't know why chickens like to cross roads but they must be good at it. You never see a dead chicken on the road.
Guy2: That's 'cause they get scooped up and sent to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

An angry Red Mage enters the bar.
RM: Allright! I Demand to know WHO KILLED MY DRAGON XILL"QFU!!
Bartender: Oh Jimmy did.
RM: Would who be so kind as to enlighten me on how an untrained farm boy could possibly kill a dragon? Or do I have to kill you?
bartender: Put the knife away...and Jimmy didn't so much kill the dragon as the dragon just sorta...choked on him and died.

Knights of the Dinner table is good
DM: You enter the room and the wizard...dies...
Player: What?! How?
DM: He just sorta dies...probably from a trap of some sort.
Player: Do I get a saving throw?
DM: Nope
Player: Can I cast a spell?
DM: Nope
Player: Wait a minute...does this have to do with the 5$ I owe you?
DM: Yep

three guys were drinking in a bar in the Empire State building. one drunk says to the others "you know... if you leap out the window at these heights, the winds will scoop you up and put you right back in."

the others didn't believe him, so the drunk did it himself. he leaped out the window, and sure enough he landed back in the building.

so the other two guys try it. they get a running start, jump out the window...

and fall to their deaths.

after the two drunks jumped, the bartender turns to the first drunk and says "you know Superman, you are one mean drunk!"

These ones are good! I have one from WB's Superstar.

Judge person: Knock Knock.
Contestant: Who's there.
Judge: You suck.

Person 1: "I've got a little joke for you: Knock Knock!"

Person 2: "... well that's not a very funny joke, now is it?"

I'm hearing a lot of different versions of many old jokes but here is one no one has used yet.

Two people were walking down the street and one was a salted.

(That one sounds much better spoken.)

Know for a real joke:

Want to hear a dirty Joke?

A kid fell into a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean Joke?

He took a Bath with bubbles.

Want to hear another dirty Joke?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

Personally, I pulled one off of the Penny Arcade! forums, and another from my friend.

But they could have come from that site.

Or they could be that site. You just never know.

Anyone ever see Catch Me If You Can?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Go fuck yourself.

A joke thread! Excellent, now I can get everyone here to hate my guts, and some other people's too! Why you ask?

What's funnier than a dead baby?
Dead baby in a clown suit.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
There's a live one on the bottom, and he's eating his way out.

What's worse than a ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
A dead baby nailed to ten trees.

Ah, I love dead baby jokes. Now for something that doesn't involve dead babies. This joke was actually voted the funniest joke ever here in the States, though I never saw the survey.

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Edit: I just found this one, and I thought it was pretty damn funny.
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

New joke sig!

Ever talk about a movie with somebody who read the book? They're so condescending! "Oh the book was muuch better." You know what I liked about the movie? No reading.

-Jim Gaffigan

...So this girl come up to me and she says "Hey you wanna try E?" I go "I watch E" So she's on the E and she goes "Hey you gotta make sure I drink enough water 'cause if I don't I could Die." :eek: I didn't wanna be the designated driver! Now I'm the paramedic! And what if she does die what'll I say to her amily? I'll be at her funeral "She Loved E! She hated water"

-Comedian on Shorties Watching Shorties...i forgot his name.

California has 4 seasons: Wind, Fire, Flood and Eathquakes. It gets windy for a couple months and everything dries out, then some dumb bastard flicks a cigarette out his windo, half the state goes up in flames! That's changing of the season. Then the rain comes and puts out the fires but it staye too long so the floods come and your in your kitchen up to your knees in mud...your living room is 3 blocks away.

-Another guy from shorties watchin shorties

Okay, let's hope I get this right.


Jimmy the drunk was sitting on his porch one day when he saw little billy walk by with a hunk of chicken wire in his hands.

Jimmy, being a crochity old bastard, yells out. "Hey billy! what you got there?"

"chicken wire." Billy responds.
Jimmy snorts. "What the fuck do you need chicken wire for?"
"To catch some chickens." Billy answers.
"Damnit Child! ya can't catch chickens with just chicken wire!"
Billy shrugs and says, "I'm gonna try it out and see what happens."

So Billy goes off. a couple of hours later he walks by Jimmy's porch with about 6 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

Jimmy looks on disbelievingly, takes a shot of rum and goes to bed.

The next day, Jimmy sat on his porch and saw billy walk by with a roll of duct tape.

Jimmy, being a crochity old bastard, yells out. "Hey billy! what you got there?"

"Duct Tape." Billy responds.
Jimmy snorts. "What the fuck do you need Duct Tape for?"
"To catch some Ducks." Billy answers.
"Damnit Child! ya can't catch Ducks with just Duct Tape!"
Billy shrugs and says, "I'm gonna try it out and see what happens."

So Billy goes off. a couple of hours later he walks by Jimmy's porch with about 6 Ducks caught in the Duct Tape.

Jimmy looks on disbelievingly, takes two shots of rum and goes to bed.

The next day, billy walks by again with a plant in his hands.

"Hey Billy!" Jimmy yells. "What you got there?"
"pussywillows." billy responds.

and then Jimmy says "Hold on boy, I'm commin' with ya!"

These are evil jokes

When is it bed time at neverland ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phoe booth?
All of them.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a shower?
None of them they all get washed down the drain.

How can you tell michael jackson has a hot date?
When ther is a tricycle in the drive way.

Whats Michal Jacksons favorite country?
Canada, 14 year old consent laws...

my god, these jokes are HORRIBLE. hahahaha.

herlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Here's a true one: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/home.html <- great jokes. Participate in the study! :D

I think that was voted #1 joke in canada(Though, I might be wrong)

A blond and a dark haired ladie stodd on top of a building, and jumped. which one hit the floor 1st?

The dark haired 'cow the blond had to ask for directions. (no offence)