I feel so trapped
 

I don't expect any good to come of this. I'm just using the forum as, well a forum for me to vent about whats spiraled my depression worse than normal. Most other outlets people that know me in real life see and I'd rather not bother them with such things. I just thought the act of writing it out like this might help. I do not expect solutions, nor am I asking for any. Sure if it was as simple as asking then I wouldn't have much of an issue to start with.

At the moment my life is thus. I live at home, and its not the most healthy environment. I'm insulted, belittled, and have to deal with an unhealthy amount of alcohol. Actual threats against me are rare as long as I dont defend myself against any verbal abuse and continue to not slight anyone. Its not all bad, I've dealt with far worse when I was far younger.

I do have a job, its horrible and I can barely maintain it. If I call in sick one more time I'm fired for example. Typically I wake up, go to work, come home at around 11:30pm then I relax for abit before I need to go to bed again. I make around 800 a month, 500 of which goes to paying off my loans. My student loans are especially bad, rest is for my car which I needed after my last one got t-boned. To this day I think its a cruel twist of fate my car was smashed but I didn't even get a bruise.

The rest goes to cellphone, insurance, gas, ect. I get abit of spending money but put most into my savings in case I lose my job. So I still try to be very frugal. I almost never leave the house, my family gives me crackers so I have something to eat at lunch. I've had to ration my snacks lately though, down to one cereal bar.

Enduring this in and of itself isn't so bad. As I said I used to deal with alot worse, the difference is back then I still had hope. I was told I was smart, gifted, that I could do something with my life. So I endured life, "today was horrible but someday it will get better." This was my mantra. Reality doesn't work like that.

I can't succeed in college, even if I did I'd be further in debt and its unlikely I'd get a job. Unskilled as I am my paltry pay and hours is the best I can hope for. However even working this job for 10 years I will still be in debt and too poor to support myself. I do not qualify for any government aid. My family will not assist me beyond not abandoning me in the street. My poor health even disqualifies me from selling my life to the military. Even too much of a coward to put myself out of my misery or take risks where thats likely. And as tempting as it is I can't bring myself to commit crime or even dull myself with narcotics.

There is just no way out of this. There is no way this will ever get better. All I can do is put up with it and continue to pray that my life will be short. Though I'm not so lucky, I probably have a good 40 years to suffer.

This is not a cry for attention, or help, and I am sorry if this is a downer. Writing all this is just my way of trying to come to terms with my reality. I wonder if I'd have been better if I accepted this sooner. Was I better naive when I thought I could be happy one day, or did trying to improve my life only make it harder in the long run. I think this was better. Even without my debt I couldn't support myself. Atleast this way I had some time where I could atleast imagine a better life.

Aero, I write this without a hint of sarcasm, or irony. I am not writing what I write to belittle your problems for they are indeed very real.

But it sounds like (apart from the family stuff) that you are suffering from a condition called capitalism. Now this all might seem like propaganda coming from me, but I assure I am being sincere and trying to be helpful to the best of my ability.

Different levels of depression are actually quite common amongst (anti-capitalist) political activists. The way people that I know or have heard of try and deal with it is by organizing together with others and together trying to better their condition at work or elsewhere. For work the IWW is a union to check out, I know they have the most members in the US.

Cry for help or not, we do care here.
 

This is an entirely viable thing to do. I'm glad you are!

I do not want to make things worse, but please permit me to respond.

This is terrible. I'm so sorry.

Reality doesn't usually just miraculously get better, no. But hope is incredibly important. Hope that it might get better.

As an unskilled laborer, you may not qualify for government aid, but you might find several organizations within your community that can assist you. Osterbaum noted a socio-political organization. There are probably others, too.

My first recommendation is, of course, various religious groups: find a church, a charity organization, those sorts of things. By "charity" I don't mean, "we hand out clothes and soup to people with low financial income", though that might be great, too, but rather there are a whole slew of different organizations out there which can help with different elements.

One thing that my local church does, for instance, is hold classes, for free, that help teach people to get control of financial distress like you seem to be suffering from. They work with you in order to help you lower your debt, and create workable long-term solutions. See if you can find something like that in your local area. If you can't, but you have access to a cell phone, or, heck, even email, and you're somewhere in the 'States, try contacting my church - it's unlikely that they'll be able to help you directly, but if you explain yourself, they may be able to recommend someone in your area. We have a surprising amount of connections around the world here, I've found.

This is not cowardice. This is "self-preservation" and it's the right thing.

Suicide is not the correct answer. It's a permanent end to a temporary problem. And rest assured, no matter how bad it seems, or how long-running it appears, your problem is, ultimately, temporary.

These are both good things, Aero. This means that you do, ultimately, want to be yourself, and you have the strong ethical underpinnings to help you do that. Crime isn't a solution, and it's not something you should resort to.

The first two things are not true at all. The third is misplaced, and the fourth is... I don't know, but not good.

There is a way. Things can get better.

Look, I'm guessing you're, what? 20? 30? Somewhere around there?

You're life has so much potential at this age. You may not ever realize all of it. That's okay. You may go through emotional crises. That's painful... but okay. The important thing is to keep living, keep breathing, and recognize that things will, in the end, get better.

I've linked this before, and shall do so again. It Gets Better. The message there is extremely important - not just about bullying, but the general message that, ultimately, life gets better. Listen to all those people who lost friends, family, or similar - life is important, and it's worth living.

But find a community. Find people who can and will support you - financial support is good, of course, but the most important thing is to find a non-toxic environment to immerse yourself in, which you are currently lacking.

As I noted before, I love my local church. The people there are awesome. If I have something wrong, I can turn to them, and they can grant me emotional support that I need. If you PM me, I can look into your local area to see if you've got anything similar there.

Hear me: I say this understanding that you might not be a believer. That's fine. Although I'd love it if you became one, this isn't an attempt to make you so - it's an attempt to help you find a community that will help you without abuse, which, regardless of where you find it, is extremely important.

And, to be clear, this isn't a bother, dude. You're an acquaintance, who needed to vent. Maybe you're fine now. If so, awesome. If not, here are a few things that might help.

But hope is always better. And hope, ultimately, is the correct response.

God bless you, man.

Work hasn't given me much time to reply to this, part of the problem. You also get more death threats than you'd think working retail. Now I admit I have a very bleak view of life. While it does "get better" better doesn't mean good. I dont have to deal with physical abuse, actual concerns about starving, and do get my entertainment. But an important thing to remember about psychology is a lack of abuse does not equate to proper treatment. Life does not get better than this, there is just no possible way it could. I've reached the apex of my quality of life and thats what depresses me the most.

I have attempted to lessen it though. I focus on self improvement. Expanding my skill set for example, working on various projects. Sadly the futility of it does still sadden me. No matter how many things I become competent in I do not have formal training to prove that I am, nor am I talented enough to succeed at more esoteric pursuits such as my writing or acting.

I guess ultimately I'm just trying to keep myself sufficiently distracted so I dont have time to think about it.

Ever thought about taking some of that time and putting it to something new?

Not to belittle you or anything, but how about learning modeling in TF2 or something of that nature?

If you're trying to be distracted, you can learn something that helps you bring in new income. It's something that I'm learning to get out of the problem that Osterbaum has been talking about.

And trust me, I know about retail... It's amazing what happens when you have people get mad at you for 40 different things of which none of them are your fault.
but honestly, if it's writing you want to do, that can be done for free on some self sufficient sites to try to work some extra income on the side.

Just don't give up. There are ways to pick yourself up.

Working with other people for their benefit and yours can be a very uplifting experience. Organizing together to fight for the good of everyone involved can be quite rewarding.

Gonna try and keep this short cause I'm tryin to keep outta the npfs a bit, but having seen this I do wanna say, Aerozord:

The place you're at sucks, but one of the things that makes it suck is how there's a lot of things and a lot of people who've told you, and who'll tell you, that you suck for being in that place.

And hearing that so much in so many ways makes you believe it, but the shit you're under isn't about you. And you believing the shit you're under is about you is, also, another thing that isn't about you, but is actually about the people who tell you that it is.

And I mean - my saying that won't make any of the people treating you like it is that way stop treating you like that, but hopefully it lets you know a little bit that that shit is about them, and not you.

I can't help you with the shit you're under, cause i'm kinda too much under my own, but I can tell you that - whatever anybody else tells you - the shit you're under isn't some shit that you are.

And maybe one more thing I can do is, I know you're outta hope these days, so I'll hope a little bit for you. And maybe that'll help.

I don't particularly like my time in the military but I can say this much for it.

Its easy, its stable, and for the most part the presences around you are incredibly liquid. Now I am not usually the kind of person who would suggest a military movement, like I said I'm not really all that happy being in it because I don't have a lot of control over my own life, but what it has gifted me with is time to prepare for the real world when I really didn't have anything going my way. I've built up a passable egg of money for rough times, started a retirement fund, have something dumb but appreciated to tack on a resume.

The military separates you from reality. It has you living in an alternate one where people pay for your healthcare, your home, your food. With effort you can put just about all your money into saving for the future, or paying off debts.

I'm not saying join the Marines or Army, but like the Coast Guard is technically the military, they get paid just as much as all the other branches and don't take nearly as much risks, they aren't required to have nearly the same physical standards, and get just about as much job training as the Navy without having to go stare at Korea at a moment's notice.

It's a thought, and it'll cost you about four years of your life but it could be a way to reset the balance on your current state and walk back into the real world with what you know now.

Because, really, it's exactly true.
 

Take Fifthfiend's post, and pretend it contains more words, less profanity and clarity, and probably more Christian-centric things. That's pretty much what I would've written.

Hope is really hard to come by. You're not feeling it right now. That's okay. But you can get it back. A community to help and support you is a good thing. It's what people are for.

Overcast's suggestion isn't a terrible one - especially the Lifeguard part.

Peace to you, and you're in my prayers.

I cant join the military, poor health. Thats one reason I get so overly defensive about healthcare. I know all too well what its like to live with medical problems just minor enough to avoid any actual aid but still bad enough to greatly reduce your quality of life.

Which kind of brings up a new issue. I hear my work is changing its policy, if you call off more than three times in a 6 month period for any reason you are fired. I've had to call off more than twice that due to illness (no they dont excuse those). So I better find something else before winter hits. No way I can make it through that with only three days of absence.