I will fix all of your problems for a buck v2.0
 

You heard right, friends! It's that time again! Shitty advice, and snide remarks are at their lowest prices in years! We couldn't GIVE this shit away if we tried, so instead we're selling it to you for a buck! Why a buck? Because fuck you, that's why!
Got relationship problems? We've got a solution for that!
Need to understand the existential dread that keeps you awake until all hours of the morning? Me too!
Post your problems here, and I guarantee you a solution in one post, or less! Don't believe me? ME NEITHER! Try it for yourself, and find out.
The lines are open, and operators are standing by to take your calls now!

I can't finish my mountain of cocaine. How should i solve this

Take a fist full of amphetamines.
The extra energy, and can-do spirit they will provide will easily help you conquer your literal (figurative?) mountain of pure Columbian White.

I applied with FAFSA for income based repayment on my student loans in February (based on less-than-zero income). I haven't checked the email inbox the people who bought my loans use since then. How do I build up the courage to face two months of "We're going to non-consensually fuck you in the butt in a financial sense that in no way denigrates the homosexual nor ass-play communities but will land you in jail eventually" emails? Should I just keep ignoring them? I can get out my bedroom window pretty quick, but I'm not sure my Spanish is good enough to flee to Mexico, plus my car is on the other side of the house.

If your car is on the wrong side of the house to flee to Mexico that means it's on the right side of the house to flee to Canada!
Should fleeing to Canada not be a viable option, might I suggest:
http://i.imgur.com/4J49ZtG.jpg

Harumph, humbug, and a zero star Yelp for you, Mr. Thinks Any Amount of Lube will Compensate for the Violence of the Unquestioned Public-Private Alliance of Permissible Violence.

Next question, should I buy the new Nintendo before I go to jail?

I need money for food and video games, should I rob a bank? And if yes, which one will give me the biggest haul of untraceable bills and gemstones? Bonus points of they store the valuables in burlap sacks with dollar signs on them so that I won't need to bring my own.

What's the best way to convince the big software publishers to fund my future projects and endeavors?

Consider the market value of your vehicle, and if you could qualify to finance a new car. If the numbers are favourable, get a loan for a new car, buy a new car and sell the old one.

Use the money from the car sale to do a small lump sum payment on refinancing the loans to a payable standard that isn't gaining interest faster than you can pay it with less than zero income.

Alternatively if they somehow aren't federal loans, continue to ignore them until the 6 month mark.

(Sorry for a serious type reply, I've been dealing with US student loans a lot lately and I hate them. So much. They're almost as evil as payday loans.)

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Do not rob a bank. Rob a bank truck instead. You'll secure money already packaged for snatching, less security personnel, and less security equipment that might capture your identity.

---------- Post added at 11:08 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 AM ----------

Make things worth playing on the indie scene first or join an established company as a lower level employee and endure.

Satisfaction never guaranteed.


You should never not buy the new Nintendo. Unless the new Nintendo is the Nintendo VirtualBoy.

Money can be exchanged for goods, and services. Goods, and services can also be exchanged for money. I recommend selling a kidney. You have two and can easily make do with half that amount!
Alternatively, you could find yourself an experienced pimp, and become his "bottom bitch", thus ensuring a more secure long-term solution.

http://i.imgur.com/4J49ZtG.jpg