everyone tell a joke!
 

i'm kinda bored right now, so i though i'd start a topic where everyone tells a joke. i'll start off. (yes, its long, i know. but its funny, too :D)

Once there was a man who had a terrible habit of swearing on the golf course. Eventually he asked his minister to help him with his problem. The minister agreed, so that weekend they both went down to the local golf course and started playing a game. But on the very first swing of the very first hole, the man hit his ball in what looked like it would be a hole-in-one, but it stopped just a few inches short of the hole.
"Damn, I missed!" he yelled.
"Now, now. Your supposed to be stopping that, remember?" said the minister.
"Yeah, I'm sorry Father. It's just hard to stop after so long," replied the man.
"Well, keep at it, and I'm sure you'll pull through!"
But only a few holes later, the man drove his ball off course and into some trees.
"Damn, I missed!" he yelled.
"You don't seem to be very committed to breaking this habit of yours," said the minister.
"Oh, I am Father. But its just so hard to stop," the man replied.
"Very well, but do try harder from now on.
The man agreed, but only a few holes later he hit his ball far, far off course where it landed in a river.
"Damn, I missed!" the man yelled again.
"You're not trying to break your habit at all!" said the minister.
"I'm sorry Father, but its just so hard to stop. I am trying though."
Sighing, the minister replied, "Very well. I will give you one last chance to stop. But if you slip up again . . ." He let the words hang in the air.
"Alright, I'll do my best," the man replied.
They were on the last hole now, and the game was about to wind up. Concentrating, the man prepared for his final put. Keeping his eyes on the hole, he swung, hit the ball in a perfect arc, and it landed only a few feet from the hole and started rolling towards it. Slowly it curved towards to hole, and just when it seemed as though it would go in . . . it missed.
"Damn, I missed!" the man yelled.
"That's it!" declared the minister. "I can clearly see now that you have no intention of giving up your habit!"
"I'm sorry Father, please-"
"No more excuses! You are a liar and a sinner, and deserve to burn in the fires of Hell!!"
With that, the minister dropped to his knees and began praying.
"Oh God! Send forth thy mighty flames and thy lightnings to devour this unholy sinner who is a liar and the spawn of Satan! For he is a wicked and idolatrous man who ~"
As the minister was praying, ominous storm clouds began to roll over the sky, casting a heavy shadow over the golf course. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning streaked down and struck the minister, killing him instantly. Puzzled by this, the man just stood there for a moment. But then a deep voice boomed from the Heavens, "Damn, I missed!"

We've had a thread like this, and that exact joke was in it...

I've heard a much simplier version of that joke.

all four of the following items are more likely to do some thing than the last they are

a spider -> a frog -> a flashlight -> Mickel Jacson

they are all more likely than the last to end up in a boy-scout's tent

that was horrible

This guy inherits a parrot who has the most vulgar vocabulary. No matter what he tries to do to stop it cursing at him it won't change it's ways. Finally in a fit of anger at the bird who'd just successfully scared off the man's fourth date in a month, he puts the parrot in the freezer and slams the door. At first the parrot is enraged and begins cursing the man like he never thought possible and then suddenly the bird went completely quiet.

He started to get nervous and thought he may have actually harmed the bird, so he opens up the door and the parrot calmly steps out of the freezer and perches on his arm. The parrot then said, "I am so sorry for my rude behavior. I assure you Sir that I plan to turn over a new leaf and be as respectable a bird as anyone could want for a pet..." before the man could even ask what had caused such a dramatic change of heart the bird continued to say, "if I may ask sir, out of uh...curiosity, what did the chicken do?"

What should we tell it?

Oh, all right.

Another parrot joke, then:
(Try to imagining Cockney accents; it's not essential, but I think it helps!)

We have a man, who owns a parrot. Pretty straightforward so far, not so?
In any case, a water pipe breaks, so he calls the plumber. The plumber accepts the job and tells the man when he will arrive to fix the pipe. The man waits, and the time rolls around, but no plumber. The man needs to go to the shop, but continues to wait for a while. Eventually, he decides to go to the shop quickly, so off he goes.

While he's out, the plumber arrives. The plumber knocks on the door, and the parrot calls out: "Who is it?"

"It's the plumber come to mend the pipes." The plumber replies.

"Who is it?" the parrot repeats.

"It's the plumber, come to mend the pipes!"

"Who is it?"

The plumber is getting annoyed by now, and raising his voice cries:
"It's the plumber, come to mend the pipes!"

And the parrot replies (wait for it): "Who is it?"

And the plumber is furious now. He screams at the top of his lungs:
"IT'S THE PLUMBER, COME TO MEND THE PIPES!!!!"
But he overexerts himself, and his weak heart gives way, and he falls down dead of a heart attack.

In due time, the man returns, and finds a dead body on his doorstep. OPening the door, he wonders: "Who is it?"

And of course, the parrot replies: "It's the plumber, come to mend the pipes."

Wow, way to copy a joke from Conan...

What do you get when you cross your mother with a mallard?
I forget the punchline but your mother's a whore.

(See, I can copy TV jokes TOO)

My drummer helped me
Count the syllables in this
Haiku.

Two men are walking down the street. One of the men walks into a bar. The other one ducks.

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
"Dam."

What was the last thing to go through the flys mind as he hit a windshield?
His butt.

What did the dog say to the cat?
Woof. <- Funny beyond words at 2 in the morning.

No you fool!

it's:
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
one is a sick duck, and I can't remember the rest but your mother's a whore.