What kind of jokes does a frito tell?

Corny ones...

What snakes are good to have in your car?
Windshield vipers.

An old woman lost her husband to cancer. The poor old widow was very lonely. One day, a Telegraph came to her door. She instantly brightened up, saying,

"Is it a singing telegram? I've always wanted a singing telegram!"

The man tried to explain that it wasn't a Singing telegram, and that it would be inappropriate for him to do so, but the Widow told him her story and begged him to sing it.

He grudgingly agreed, singing "Buda-buda-ba-ba, Your sister Rose is dead!"

What does one call a gay orgy?
A snowball fight.

What does a gay man call a used condom?
A doggie bag.

bad joke from my dad this morning...


Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomiac that stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog?

or what about the one about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

This is just too freaking funny.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

Thermodynamics of hell... great stuff :D

I'll stop with the dead baby jokes since not everyone appreciates them (myself included...mostly did it since many find humor in them somehow)

but how about some more physics since that last one inspired me? :p

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew (mu).

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."

And a simple math equation that explains why children are evil. (the original is why women are evil, but I wish to avoid the flames)
children require time and money
children = time * money
we all know that time is money
time = money
therefore
children = money * money
children = money^2
it is true that money is the root of all evil
money = square root of evil
therefore
money^2 = evil
and finally we are left with
children = evil

lotta funnies
 

Well Here we go LOTS of jokes:



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Five Floors

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

Pick up lines that could get you killed.

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Could I touch your belly button... from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

Three old guys are talking about problems they have. The first one goes "I can't crap! I mean, at all!" The second one goes "That's not bad, i can't piss." The third one thinks for a second and replies "I do both every morning at 6." The other two look at him and say "That doesn't sound so bad." The last guy responds "I don't get up til 8..."