The Warring States of NPF - everyone tell a joke!

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said,

"I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes".

Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.

Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.....

One day while at his best friend, Jim's house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag.

Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife "please?", said Norris.

Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?".

Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jim's wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself.

After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV. An hour or so later, Norris said.

"Jim? Can I shag her again please?. To which Jim replied "OK, but remember, don't go down on her!!!".

Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jim's wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her, he couldn't help himself.

Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

"What's wrong Norris?".

"I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldn't help myself..."

"You went down on her didn't you Norris!!!!" said Jim looking horrified.

"I got a mouth full of rice!!!" said Norris disgusted!

"That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!"

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Jim proposed to Sandy. Prior to accepting his proposal, Sandy decided to confess to her man that she had a childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease as a child, that left her with breasts that stopped maturing at the age of 12 year old.

Jim told her that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,he felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in her eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you can deal with that once we are married.

Sandy said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they quickly engaged in some heavy foreplay, touching, teasing, holding one another. No sooner than Sandy put her hands in Jim's trousers to fondle his penis she removed them and ran from the room screaming!

Jim, somewhat mystified, ran after her. Once he caught up with her he asked, "What's the problem?"

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant."

Jim replied, "It is ... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long."

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Thumbs up

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, 'if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab.'

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.

'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.

'And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'

'What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'

The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

$2000 cash prize
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details."

Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.

"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.

"What are the three things?"

"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out..."

"After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled..."

"Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."

"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied."

When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed.

The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.

"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??"

What's big, yellow and eats rocks?

A big, yellow rock eater

* * *

Why is a river rich?

Coz it got 2 banks.

* * *

"I haven't slept for days!"

"Why not?"

"I only sleep at night."

* * *

Who has the biggest shoes in the British Army?

The soldier with the biggest feet

* * *

Why was there a foot on Pinocchio's face?

He lied so much his nose grew to twelve inches and became a foot.

* * *

"What's the difference between dinosaur and snew?"

"What's snew?"

"Oh, not much, how about you?"

* * *

"What's the difference between a gnat and a gnatterbaby?"

"What's a gnatterbaby?"

"Nothing. What's a gnatter with you?"

* * *

Did you hear about the sick werewolf?

He lost his voice, but he's howl right now.

* * *

"I've lived on vegetables for years."

"That's nothing. I've lived on Earth all my life."

* * *

What do you call a man with wax in his ears?

Anything. He can't hear you.

* * *

Did you hear about the fight on the bus?

The conductor punched all the tickets.

* * *

"Do you have any invisible ink?"

"Sure, what colour?"

* * *

"Do you have any invisible thread?"

"I haven't seen any around. What does it look like?"

* * *

"Why are you asking me to answer the phone when it is not ringing?"

"But why leave everything till the last minute?"

* * *

How do you make a pipe lighter?

Take the tobacco out.

* * *

"What's that ugly thing on your head?"

"Eh? Where?"

"Oh, it's just your head."

* * *

"Give me a sentence with the word 'gruesome' in it."

"Er ... he didn't shave for a while and grew some whiskers."

* * *

What's the longest English word?

SMILES -- because there is a mile between the first and last letter. (cringe cringe, everyone knows this, it's soooooo lame = [ )

* * *

Why did the man get the sack as soon as he started work?

Coz he worked as a postman.

* * *

"My art teacher didn't like what I was making and scolded me."

"Oh dear. What did you make?"

"Mistakes."

* * *

If sixteen boys share a cake, what's the time?

A quarter to four

* * *

"My baby brother is only a year old and he has been walking for six months!"

"He must be really tired by now."

* * *

"Doctor, doctor, I can't seem to go to sleep!"

"Now that's not too much of a problem. Just go home and lie on the edge of your bed and soon you'll drop off."

* * *

"Doctor, doctor, my family thinks I'm crazy because I like chips."

"Nonsense. I like chips too."

"Oh good! You must come and see mine. I've collected 39,547 so far.

* * *

"Doctor, doctor, my hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?"

"How about a paper bag?"

* * *

"Oh dear. I am afraid your arm will never be right."

"Why not, doctor?"

"Because it is your left arm."

* * *

"Don't worry, I'm just going to take your pulse."

"What? And leave me with none?"

* * *

"Waiter, send the chef here. I want to complain about this disgusting meal."

"I'm afraid you have to wait, sir. He just went out for dinner."

* * *

"Waiter, there's a dead spider in my soup!"

"Yes sir, it's probably drowned. They can't swim very well."

* * *

"Waiter! What's this in my soup?"

"I'm not too sure, sir, I can't tell one bug form another."

* * *

"Waiter! There is a worm on my plate!"

"That's your sausage, sir."

* * *

"Waiter, bring me some tea without milk."

"Sorry sir, we are out of tea without milk, how about some tea without cream?"

* * *

"Hey waiter, your thumb is in my soup!"

"It's okay, sir. I'm used to the heat."

* * *

"You are taking very long to fill the salt shaker."

"Well, you can't really get much at a time through that tiny hole on top."

* * *

"Joules, if you borrow ten dollars from Alvin and return him two dollars a month, how much do you still owe him after three months?"

"Ten dollars."

"Oh dear, I'm afraid you don't know arithmetics very well, Joules."

"I'm afraid you don't know Alvin very well, sir."

* * *

"Alvin, if you lend Daniel twenty dollars and ask him for three dollars a month, how much does he still owe you after four months?"

"Thirty dollars."

"Oh, dear, I'm afraid you don't know arithmetics very well, Alvin."

"I'm afraid you don't know Daniel well, sir."

* * *

"I didn't come here to be insulted!"

"Oh. So where do you usually go instead?"

* * *

"Son, this progress report is disgusting. I thought I promised you a bicycle if you passed your exams. What have you been doing?"

"Learning to ride a bike."

* * *

"Hey, don't worry, Martian A, it's only a little green snake."

"Yes, Martian B, but it might be as dangerous as a ripe one.

* * *

"So sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night."

"It's okay, I had to get up to open the door anyway."

* * *

"I wanna be a bake when I grow up."

"Why?"

"Because they make lotsa dough."

* * *

"How did you do for your test?"

"Oh, I only got one question wrong out of twenty."

"That's good!"

"You flattered me. I couldn't do the rest."

* * *

"Eh? Why am I walking in circles?"

"Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the ground too."

* * *

"Weather looks bad. Why don't you stay for the night?"

"Sure, thanks. I'll just go home now to fetch my pyjamas first."

* * *

"What's the problem, madam?

"Those people were so rude about my son. They said he was ugly."

"Oh, don't worry about it. How about a nice cup of tea?"

"That would be nice, thank you."

"And while I'm at it, how about a banana for that pet monkey in your arms?"

* * *

"With this book, half the work is done."

"Good. I'll take two."

* * *

"What kind of car does your father drive?"

"I can't remember the name. I thinks it starts with T."

"Oh really? Ours only start with petrol."

* * *

"I bought a big book on body building and I've been working hard on the exercises for three months."

"Is it having any effect?"

"It certainly is. Now I can lift the book."

* * *

"If you find ten dollars, will you keep it?"

"No sir."

"That's good. So what will you do with it?"

"I will spend it, sir."

* * *

"Those potatoes you sold me are full of eyes!"

"Well, you asked for enough to see you through the week."

* * *

"You're fired!"

"But I didn't do anything!"

"That's why you are fired!"

* * *

"Barber, barber, I think your hands are quite dirty."

"Yes sir. No one's been in for a shampoo yet."

* * *

"I was shipwrecked once and had to live for a whole week on a tin of sardines."

"Goodness! Lucky you didn't slip off."

* * *

"He got away, sir!"

"What? I thought I told you to put a man at all the exits?"

"Er ... he got away from one of the entrances, sir"

* * *

"Don't dive into the pool! There's no water inside!"

"It's okay, I can't swim."

* * *

"What shall I do with this soldier? Everything he does is wrong!"

"Just make him a general, your Excellency, and everything he does will be right."

* * *

"What's that man doing there, hanging from the ceiling?"

"Oh, he thinks he is a light bulb."

"Goodness! Why don't you tell him he isn't?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

* * *

"Alvin, I told you to write this out twenty times because your handwriting is so bad, but you've only written it out fourteen times!"

"I'm sorry, Mdm, my arithmetics is bad as well."

* * *

"Can you guess how many sheep I have in my farm?"

"734"

"Goodness! How do you count them so quickly?"

"Oh, you just count the number of legs and divide by four."

* * *

"I thought I asked you to draw a horse and a cart, but you've only drawn a horse!"

"Don't worry, sir. The horse will draw the cart."

* * *

"I thought I asked you to draw a cow eating grass, but where's the grass?"

"I can't help it if the cow is hungry, sir. All the grass had been eaten."

* * *

"Miss Tan, is it fair to punish someone for something they didn't do?"

"Of course not."

"What a relief. I didn't do my homework."

* * *

"How do you spell 'wrong', Alvin?"

"W-O-R-N-G"

"That's wrong!"

"Yes I know, sir. Isn't that what you asked for?"

* * *

"Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilisation?"

"I think it would be a good idea."

* * *

What makes a giraffe so arrogant?

It finds it hard to swallow its pride.

* * *

Why are robots never afraid?

Coz they got nerves of steel.

* * *

Why was the crab arrested?

Coz it was always pinching things.

* * *

Why is there always a wall around the graveyard?

Coz people are dying to get in.

* * *

Why did the football manager give his team a lighter?

Coz they kept losing their matches.

* * *

Why should you not gossip in the fields?

Coz corns have ears, potatoes have eyes and beanstalks.

* * *

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Coz it wanted to get to the other side of the road.

* * *

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Coz it was the chicken's day off.

* * *

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Coz they can't afford the train.

* * *

Why did the bald man buy a rabbit farm?

Coz he wanted to grow some hares.

* * *

Why do cows give milk?

Coz they ain't smart enough to sell it.

* * *

Why is a room full of married people always empty?

Coz there is not a single person inside.

* * *

Why shouldn't you lose your temper?

Just in case you can't find it again.

* * *

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Coz they can't remember the lyrics.

* * *

Why did the taxi-driver go broke?

Coz he drove all his customers away.

* * *

Why did Robin Hood rob the rich?

Coz the poor got no money.