Evil schemes 101
 

I force totsu to go on an adventure that involves retrieving the master sword. Only one problem, you're in the Final Fantasy world!

I replace the other two sprites in Totsumanu's avatar with killer robots. While he's distracted with those, I will transport him to a desert island, with nothing but a volleyball and a chance at an acadamy award to keep him sane. I will then surround this island with fog, and create the tutsuangle of doom, as I will call it.
I place the argent lord in a gold mine, then collapse it.

I turn myst into this:

` _.------._
,-' '-._ `
` / / / -- `-. ` ` .---._
/ \/ / _ _ `\ `,`,` .-`` _,-'
`/ / \ - . --____---``::::/
` /\ - /::::::://
` / __.._ \ /`:::::/ /
`` | \ `==` ____\ ```::,-/ /
__...____ ___.` / ---- ===` / @@ > `` [` P``
<._ -----````` __. ( ----- === `----` |\`` \
``-.::::::::::::`` ` / @@ / <WMW> \ --/``` `
`--.__::::`::` ------ / `-. `( ` `
.`-.___:` ` / ,,,- `| ` ``
`-.____=`````` / ,,,'''__. ```/ ` `
` ``\```````-' /---``````````/|` ` `
` ` `` \`````````````````````/``/ ` `
` ` `` ..\``````````-,___,-``````\''-'--\.
_.--' /``````````````````````) \.. ``\_
/` l --...__```````__./`/ ) \. < \
/ | \#X##W##;``&&;``:#Æ#W##/ `\ \
/ ` /:\ \W#@@#W#M#W#ÆÆ#WÆ@#Æ#/\ ` ) `\
]` ` ` (:::) 7@#WW#W#¥X#@#Æ#Æ#ttÆ#f> ) ] ]
| ` ` ` |:( \#X#W#¥@#MWÆZX#W@@Wf-) ) -- / \ |
| ` ` `` ``\::\ L#@W#Æ$##W#X#@@##^ / /--^ / ) )
) ` ` ` ` \::] --..```--æ##@SDB$@G| / ... / \
/ ` ` ` ` |::\ --- < \ \-,#..| / \\ / \
/ ` ` ` \:::\ -- - \ \ / - --. / \\/ / \
[ \ ` ` \ .:::¢ \ >--w> _' , \-. \ > / |
| |##\ ` \ . ./ | ^--/::::::( )/ | \\ ``--,___-_- . \
| \##\ \ . ||_|:::::::V -. \ |
\ \##\ \____,,---'' \ >--'''> \ \ ` ` \
\ \##\ /` --. |. \--'` \ \ |
) ''--. / -- \ ``. /ÆM@MWM\ \ | |
/` ` ``` ``` | >ÆWX#SWMW- | ` ` ` |
/``` \ `` ` | /MW@XENON#|```````` ` ` |
( ```````` `` ` `\ \ /Æ#WMWX#MWML\`````````` `` \|
\ ``` ``` /````/`\\ÆMWZQ#WMWMWM@M\``````````````` \

I'd toss the Argent Lord into a pit of Aligators, with contracting walls, and as the walls contract, the pit fills with Sulfuric Acid. I, however, wouldn't leave until I saw him die, and if he looks to be coming out, he'd eat 3 rounds of lead.

I zombify Elminster, then teleport him into a white mage coven's communal shower house.

I crucify The Argent Lord and kill him with Chinese Water Torture... except that the water is dripping onto his head... and the water is actually 10M HCl.

I'd toss mxyzptlk in to a pit full of killer lambs. (With plasma beams attached to their legs.) Then I throw some snakes to company him and the lambs. After that I seal the pit so that he will not be able to get out. And even if he does...I will go to his home and mess things up so that never again will he be able to find socks, taht mach!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

I leave Osterbaum in a dark room with nothing but World Cup Hockey matches in which Finland has lost to watch.

I surround Druid of the Dead with rainbows and carebears and cute little puppies and kittens and ribbons. I then have a thousand cabbage patch kids kiss him. I then give him the option of sitting with all of that for all eternity or lighting him on fire. No matter which he picks, I light him on fire, anyway. I then gather up his ashes and bake them into brownies. I take those brownies to his family as a gift in their time of sorrow.

I take CT's guitar, lock him up in my private prison. There he has to listen to crappy music all day long while I make him watch as I brake his guitar and make fun of his songs. Then he will never again be able to make music after that experience. Now there's a fear for him.

I purposely misspell finish, thus depriving him of his powers, then stick him in a room with Evil Doctor Shiney.

I lock him and all his friends(even the annoying sidekick/animal) in a chamber with no entrances and a magic disabling spell and hang it from the moon.

I'd shoot The Argent Lord in the head.

Keep it simple guys! Remember, Smarty had a Party and nobody came!

I force Slightly Above Average Man to become Slightly Above Average Hampster, and make him run in a hampster wheel for the rest of time.

How do I do this...I don't know. But it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I'd turn toastburner into a piece of toast and burn him.

I'd summon Auran Lord, let him beat Argent with his gold-based powers, then put him in a Bag of Holding, which is then chucked into a Portable Hole.

hasta la vista, Argy!

I'd throw DB into a world where Qeeko never drew him again! Muhahahahahahaha!

I'd make master of magic walk my pet beholder...off a cliff MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
okay, I got nothing :(

I wear sandals.:)

I kill Myst by surgically implanting razor blades in his stomach (while he's consious!), then inducing vomiting.

I shoot mxyzptlk. With a gun. Repeatedly. In the head.

I use the ninjitsu art of redirection, causing you to send cyclone through instead.

I would throw The Argent Lord in liquid form into a washing machine attached to a perpetual motion device, and let him slosh around for the rest of time.

I would chain Thaumaturge to a wall, make tiny little cuts in his body with a razor blade, then slowly rub salt into the wounds while he is forced to watch reruns of dubbed Sailor Moon is Ben Stein's voice.

No such world ;)

Pfff! Like you could affect my spells!



I would tie batgirl with adamantium chains over a pit filled with acid (all imps will be kept outside the Fortress with an electric barrier, to avoid "accidental" replacement with Mountain Dew).

She would have been first thoroughly searched, and all gadgets that could help her escape would be confiscated. Note, all gadgets, meaning she wouldn't be left with anything but the clothes she's wearing. Then an anti-teleportation barrier would be put in place to keep her from escaping

Baby black dragons (immune to acid) would be tossed into the pit and allowed to swim around for a while. They would have been starved for a week first, and have been trained to love the taste of humanoid flesh.

While Batgirl is tied up, I slice open her stomach with my katana, letting her guts and intestines spill out into the pit, where the baby dragons will begin to feast. Then, I will lower her into the pit, slowing the process down after her toes are immersed, so that the process of disintegration and being eaten alive by voracious wyrmlings is much slower and more painful. I'm an evil bastard!:D

Of course, normally I would just shoot her in the head, then cremate the body, but this thread seems to involve giving people painful, inescapable deaths...

I consistantly poke Dragonsbane to death!

I introduce Lycanthrope to Joey, the Big Gay Doberman on my street.

Have fun boys!

I kick Joey's ass (I'm still a black belt) then introduce SAAM to Bob the wedgie dinosaur

I use amenisa(sp) dust on Lycanthrope, making him believe he is a world class poodle, enter him into a dog show, which he loses, and watch him wallow in self-pity for being the ugliest poodle in the world for the rest of his natural life.

Edit: Hmm...appearently everyone wants to hurt/kill Lycanthrope

I introduce Bob to another black belt (the little girl from Dilbert), instead of using my own Black-Belt skillz to defeat him, then they travel the world giving wedgies and beating up corrupt adults (yes, they did that in the Dilbert comics)

I then cast "Giant Growth" on Joey, Teleport to my Fortress of Darkness, and let the oversized mutt do its stuff.

I show dragonsbane that he was out posted then retaliate with infamy against toastburner. (I didn't feel like being creative)

I force Lycanthrope to read Planet of Twilight, Children of the Jedi, and every other book that Barbara Hambley has ever written, then exit the room and record his screams of boredom.

I force SAAM to watch reruns of the OJ Simpson Trials.

Shave Lycantrope Naked, throw him into a room full of Ninnies and yell "GIANT RAT!"

Gah! Shaved! You have deprived me of my bearded powers. I am no longer Lycanthrope! I am merely person man. I swear revenge against SAAM

VICTORY IS MINE!

*fluffs his own full gotee*

No triangle man? Oh well... And don't worry, it will grow back to its usual scruff in a day or two.

I summon a horde or demons to scour the planet of all who stand against me!

I shall enslave my coworkers and force them to build monuments to my greatness till they are dead.

Squeezes ljadguy into a triangle-shaped mold, thus making him triangle man. randomly turns DB into a particle man, then they get in a fight. triangle wins. triangle man. I, however an universe man, and I place triangle man and the birdhouse in his soul between the minute hand, the milleunium hand and the eon hand of my watch. they all meet, and it becomes a happy land, due to the fact that DB and jadguy are dead.

I walk up to Argent and say "I'd like to change your mind with this rock I'm holding here though I am not unkind" as we both laugh and he turns and walks away he hits his head on the door of the gym where he lives today.

There's a picture opposite me
Of my primitive ancestry
Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing SAAM off and countless screaming Lycanthropes

I see your flood and raise you Apollo 18

The statue makes you die
the statue makes you die
the monument of granite sends a beam into your eye

The statue makes you fry
the statue makes you fry
In your jacket there's a furnace where there used to be a guy

And as the screaming fire engine
sirens fill the air
the evidence has vanished
from your chared and smoking chair
and all they'll find is just a statue
standing where the statue got you high.

Lycanthrope returned a bag of groceries
Accidently taken off the shelf
Before the expiration date
He came back as a bag of groceries
Accidently taken off the shelf
Before the date stamped on himself

I cast Flare on BOTH of you, Argent and Lycanthrope, thus reducing you to smoldering piles of ash, which I scatter to the four winds

I attack DB with monkeys through the US Postal service due to the fact that I am liquid metal and therefore cannot be burned to ashes.

You can't imagine so many monkeys in the daily mail
All of them coming anonymously so they leave no trail
I never thought I'd have an admirer from overseas
But someone is sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.
Some chimps in swimsuits, some chimps are swinging from a vine
Some chimps in jackboots, some chimps that wish they could be mine.
Starsky and Hutch chimps, a chimp who's sitting on the can
A pair of Dutch chimps who send their love from Amsterdam.
[CHORUS (x2):]
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me.
If I had to guess, I'd say the monkey-sender thinks it's great
He's sending me, maybe she's sending me just to see me get irate
I'm losing sleep - and it's gonna be keeping me up all night
I thought it was funny, but now I've got money on a monkey fight.
Some chimps in hard hats, chimps a-working on a chain gang
Some chimps who love cats, burning rubber in a Mustang
A birthday-wishing chimp, a chimp in black like a goth
A goin' fishin' chimp, a British chimp in the bath.
[CHORUS (x2)]
Somehow they followed me even though I packed and moved my home
No matter what, they come and they come they won't leave me alone
Another monkey in the mail could make me lose my mind
But look at me shuffling through the stack until I finally find
Some chimps in swimsuits
Some chimps in Jackboots
Some chimps in hard hats
Some chimps who love cats
I've got some shaved chimps; that's chimps devoid of any hair
I've got depraved chimps dressed up in women's underwear.
Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me.
Every one is, every one is, every one is addressed to me.
Every one is, every one is, every one is addressed to me.
[CHORUS (x4)]
Some chimps in swimsuits, Some chimps in Jackboots
Some chimps in hard hats, Some chimps who love cats
I've got some shaved chimps; that's chimps devoid of any hair
I've got depraved chimps dressed up in women's underwear.
Starsky and Hutch chimps, a chimp who's sitting on the can
A pair of Dutch chimps who send their love from Amsterdam.
Some chimps in Mustangs, Some chimps in chain gangs
I got a birthday wishin' chimp and I got the goin' fishin' chimp

AIIIIEEEEE!!!!! *MURDERS Argent, burns his body, and disposes of it*

Teleports DB to Albequerque, seeing as how DB doesn't seem to get that silver doesn't burn and it's hard to kill something without a lifeforce.

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

(belch)

I vaporize Argent. No I don't have a song for that.

Kills Lycanthrope with this song:

Krabby, Snubbull, Venonat
Mankey, Chansey and Zubat
Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree
Lugia and Caterpie
Oddish, Poliwag, Goldeen
Elekid and Nidoqueen
Victreebel and Magneton - Everybody Polkamon!

Aerodactyl, Seel, Machoke
Marill, Moltres, then Slowpoke
Articuno, Ditto, Muk
Flareon and ol' Psyduck
Cloyster, Kingler, Shellder, Gloom
Snorlax and of course Vileplume
Zapdos and Charmeleon - Everybody Polkamon!

It's time to polka
For Ponyta and Pidgey too
Come on put on your lederhosen
And try not to stamp on little Pikachu
You'd better grab yourself a partner
Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur (Bulbasaur)
Hold on a minute - there's still at least a hundred and twenty-seven more

Including Ledyba and Omastar
Jynx, Bellossom and Magmar
Geodude and Arcanine
Jiggypuff and Mr. Mime
Don't forget about Sandslash
Exeggcute and Rapidash
Lickitung and Porygon - Everybody Polkamon!

Everybody Polkamon!
Everybody Polkamon!

Can't burn Argent and he has no life force eh......

First, I'll spray paint him gold so he is no longer the master of silver! Then I'd place him in a mold to shape him into the form of a gold dragon and make sure he's frozen in that form. Then I'd teleport him to Tiamat's lair and let her think a lawful good gold dragon just entered her home.

Ta ta

(I would just tarnish myself, therefore becoming a black dragon!)

I turn DotD Amish, then trap him in a roomful of electronics:

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies all I agree I look good in black... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitave as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another
Think you're really rightous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might just have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise

Yuck

I cast "mute" or "silence" on Argent. Without the ability to sing a snappy comeback song, I defeat him easily.

Just for insurance, I cast "stun" on him also, so that he is paralyzed and cannot write a witty comeback poem either.

Or...I hit him with some naplam. Whichever I feel like at the moment.


Edit: I am Toastburner...master of the post that gets in the way of everyone else.

Vicitims:
Dragonsbane
Druid of the Dead

HA! I'm from a mideval era, electronics already confuses me hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Besides, I'd probably just lighting bolt the whole room and escape.

Even if you tarnished yourself, Tiamat doesn't take any more kindly to strangers than any other chromatic dragon so she'd still attack.

I screw up the thread by ignoring everyone between me and toastburner, psionically sending this:

It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer

Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter fued
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer

Guy Guest : Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
Gal Guest : Oh? Well, which one?
Guy Guest : All of them
Gal Guest : Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake!
Guy Guest : Yah? Well, well me too!
Gal Guest : Oh!
Guy Guest : And I've sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
(barking)
Gal Guest : Woofie, you b-tch!
Gal Guest : Well, I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
Guy Guest : That goat doesn't love you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said she's still dating twenty guys
Three days since he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger



into his head.

EDIT: DotD, I don't care, I'm a member of a godlike race called the Controllers so I take contol of Tiamat, then come after you.

Suppose she makes her saving throw......

Edit: And good luck killing me, you'd not only have to find my phylactery, but you'd have to find a way to destroy it as well.

Argent gets his just deserts with

THE BALLAD OF LORD ARGENT!

He dated Siamese twins
He slept with Bigfoot, too
Get Him on Sally Jesse
Put Him on Donahue
'Cause He wants ta tell the world about it
Right Now

His dog's a narcoleptic
His mom's a circus freak
He's gotta get a spot on
Geraldo's show this week
'Cause he want's ta tell the world about it
Right Now

he's just an anorexic codependant bingo addict
Stripper born without a chin
And He's only comfortable talking about it
When the whole wide world is listening in

Argent!... Argent!
Listen to him, (listen to him) listen to him, (listen to him) listen to him

His wife ran off with Elvis
His boss shaved off his hair
He's got a thing for poodles
And rubber underwear
And he want's ta tell the world about it
Right Now

He had a close encounter
He never chews his food
He got eleven nose jobs
He yodels in the nude
And He wants ta tell the world about it
Right Now

He's just a cross-dressin' alcoholic neo-Nazi
Porno star, as you may have guessed
And He's really gonna feel a whole lot better
If you let him get this thing off his chest

Argent... Argent!
Listen to him, (listen to him) listen to him, (listen to him) listen to him

He's just your average schizophrenic nymphomaniac
Albino go-go dancer, you see
Nothin' so bad that he can't share it
With a billion friends on national TV, whoa...

he has no genitalia
he sold my kids for cheese
he loves my blow up doll, so
Bring out those cameras, please
'Cause Ihe want's ta tell the world about it
Right Now!

I would toss fub into a pile of meat and then make him eat his way out well ever more is pouring in

*backs up SAAM by singing along, then using a Silver-to-Flesh spell to MAKE Argent flammable!*

*then proceeds to dump gasoline on Argent, and add a Fire-1 spell*

Upon capturing DB I would:
Plug him into a Flesh Eating Fire Ant Colony (genetically engineered for maximum pain)
This colony will be in a room that constantly regenerates ALL living things within it at a sufficient rate that it would takes Centuries for the ants to finally kill DB
Oh the room also supplies the necessary nutrients for DB to survive and keeps him from aging

I don't age anyway...

I cast Switch Location on Psyblade, then watch him go through the tortures he intended for me.

I would place DB in an adamant room with a permanent anti-magic field active in it, bar the doors (all adamant, of course) and let him spend the rest of eternity in a locked room with no magic. Food and water is provided via a small slot high up on a wall, from which the sustainance drops to a receptacle (made of adamant, and bolted down by adamant bolts). Note that this procedure is carried out by mechanical servators, each carrying anti-magic artefacts, to prevent any clever spells being cast before DB is locked up.

Now that's evil.

Thaumaturge...your strategy is quite clever, but Silver Fire can break through antimagic zones. Praise be to Mystra!

I would do the same thing to Thaumaturge, and see how HE manages to get out!

I will find the Necronomicon, De vermiis mysteriis, and the lost city of Ry'leh and raise an army of elder gods, demons, and undead to conquor and consume the world. And to my mortal minions I offer the option of being eaten first.

First, I hire some mercenaries to kidnap JADguy.
Then, I strap him to the rack.
Then, I stick tiny pins in him all over his flesh, then enchant them to get hotter or colder (depending on the needle) as the rack loosens, and more temperate as it tightens.
Then, I'll enchant the rack so it gradually cycles between almost unbearably tight and just inescapably loose.