Oh! Wow, I almost forgot these.

In eighth grade:
Our teacher asked the girls what kind of guy they're looking for to eventually marry, in other words, who's their "perfect guy." One girl said "Someone Spanish, who's good looking, nice, and makes a lot of money." Me, completely missing the "Spanish" part said, "You're not going to find a lot of those around."

Another time in high school:
Every day in economics class our teacher would tell us a quote from someone famous and if we guessed it, he would give us an extra credit point. One day he gave us a quote that sounded like an old football coach said it. So I answered "John Madden." He said it was wrong and everyone said I was a moron. The next day, he quoted a Shakespeare play. I raised my hand and said "John Madden." It was a running joke from then on.

My Irish friend Damien, on seeing the physics teacher handing out yet another pile of worksheets:

"I smell a great disturbance in the Poo..."

That led to a year-long stock of jokes. For instance, we discovered very interesting things happen when you rearrange the letters of "Sith". Something very appropriate to our theme.

Big edit: Since my sense of humor is making a rare visit tonight I guess I'll share a few more from Physics:

One morning Petr -yes that's how you spell his name, he's a Russian immigrant- came in, dropped his homework on the teacher's desk, sat at his desk in front of me, leaned back onto mine and Damien's desk, and goes to sleep.
Damien walks in: "Why is there a dead Russian on my desk?" (Petr raises one finger in his direction)
Me: "you just missed WWIII, Demon."
Damien: "Dibs on Europe!"

You know a class is boring when you look around and see:
-Half the kids (no kidding) asleep on their desks
-three playing games on their calculator
-two playing "Boxes" on graph paper
-Two more listening to headphones
and the rest doing homework for other classes.

Demonstrating centrifugal force and related things, our teacher started swinging a brass weight on a string very fast. Kids start leaning back in their chairs, and she starts chanting "heads up! heads up! heads up!". I didn't want to believe it, but she actually let it fly across the desks. It's a good thing most of us ducked under the tables!


Story from Damien, then I'll stop:
He was house-sitting for an uncle back in Ireland, by himself, and got up Sunday morning to discover the stove didn't work. Figuring (I'm not why why) that it would be working later, he went upstairs to take a shower.

The plumping had backed up.

Damien on the phone: "How soon can you guys get a repairman out here?"
"What's the problem?"
"The sewers have backed up."
"You realize we charge extra on Sundays?"
"I don't care what it costs! There is SH*T in my TUB!!!!!"

This conversation occured 3 days before halloween after I took a friend of mine to get his wisdom teeth removed and saying he was heavily medicated would not be a fair assesment... so be prepared.



Me:Ok here we are, lets get you in bed.
Friend:I'm ok, sexy.
Me: ... Let's sit and wait for your dad. He can watch you cause your scaring me.

Enter my friend's dad in his halloween costume, A full Vader suit.

Friend: AHHHH, Its Darth Vader! He's gonna melt my brain! RUN!

My friend runs/stumbles outside and hides behind a tree. His dad and I watch him a moment. He goes to take off the suit and I go to comfort my tweakin' friend.

Me: Yo, are you ok?
Friend: Shh! Don't you see? They're after me!
Me: Who is after you?
Friend: The ninjas.
Me: What ninjas?
Friend: The ones in the bushes.
Me: There are no bushes there man.
Friend: Well of course you can't see them, they're ninjas!

Classamate:Teach what would you do if you were god?
Teacher:What do you mean if?

"Female orgasm is not the OMG EXPLOSION OF COLOR AND LIGHT AND HEAVEN AND MAGIC..."

- From shoujoai.com, by Grets

In response to Dante's quote in the chat:

Me: Yes it is, I speak from personal experience.

Me: I'm a girl I promise.
Dante: Lies!
Me: Well if I'm not then I have a huge pair of man boobs.
Dante: I've seen a lot of those in basic training.

Friend: Run, it will make it more interesting for her, plus we're taking bets on how far you can get before she catches you.
(said to a girl who hit me in the head with a hockey puck on purpose and whom I subsequently chased down with a hockey stick).

"You know how it will be. First, it's 'try this pizza.' then it's 'hey, have some booze.' then 'how about a joint.' Next thing you know I'll be a crack addict starving on the streets breaking in to cars for radios so that I can afford the good stuff. Pizza: the gateway drug."
--me

"So beer is made of hop and barley.

... if we'd just crossbreed them..." -me during a particularly boring lesson
-----
"Hi guys. Say, where's the beer?"
"Under the table."
"Oh, how handy. The easier to find it later on." -me arriving at a party

"This is harder then a virgin's nipples in winter." - Classmate while doing a science puzzle.

Teacher - "I want you to give the sub the same amount of respect you give me."
Classmate - "That's because we're scared of you."

1.My friend to me: Do you ever take off those sunglasses?
Me: No
My other friend: She does to take showers
2.Who am I? Where am I? When is November?
3.You smell like dirty sausages.