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Unread 02-11-2010, 06:12 PM  
Great Cartoonist
An increasingly inaccurate name
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: University. Don't try to reach me; it'll be a long wait.
Posts: 509
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Default Ask Arceus #1

Sorry people, no update for today because of work I need to do, so instead here's a new filler featurette:


<Hey guys! This is a new featurette where you get to send in your questions and Arceus will try his best to answer him. Obviously, seeing as how he's, y'know, GOD, this should be easy for him, right? Anyway, for our very first episode, I'm going to be asking him a few questions myself. So, without further adieu...>

Yeah, yeah, I don't need any grand introduction. Also, just so's we get this out of the way, I'm perfectly fine with you referring to me as a male even though I have no gender. Anyway, let's cut to the chase. What kinda questions you got for me?

<So, um, you're technically God of the entire Pokemon universe, right? But before you existed, there was absolutely nothing. How did you come into being?>

First of all, I didn't really create the universe in the first place. All those tales of me being the first Pokemon, and pretty much the first anything to exist, was all lies that I created myself just to throw you guys off.

<Wait, so... something else created you?>

Well of course. But let's back up a bit here, back to how the universe began. See, there existed a race of super-advanced aliens from another universe who liked to mess around with anything they could get their hands on while not worrying about the consequences until it was too late, because they were having too much fun for their own good. One day, a group of these guys decided that they would create an entire universe full of creatures that fought each other for no apparent reason. Why? Who knows. Personally I think that these aliens simply liked to watch action movies and creating a universe just for that purpose would ensure that there would be no shortage of violent entertainment.

<Hold on. This is just a metaphor for the humans that created the Pokemon franchise, right?>

Dammit you just had to ruin the mystique of my story. Oh well, I'm going to continue anyway. So, those aliens created your universe and injected an explosion into it, creating space and matter from nothing that eventually coagulated into a single star and a planet that revolved around it. Then, the aliens created life on that planet, bringing forth plants, humans, and of course, Pokemon, of which there were around 150 different species at the time.

<So, that would be the first generation of Pokemon, right?>

Duh. Also, it should be noted that your universe didn't work as properly as it does now. For instance, some humans found out that they could summon Pokemon out of thin air by using extremely complicated movements to manipulate the everpresent magic of the universe. Most of the time, what they got was an abomination of reality that was capable of removing them from existence.

<Wait, what? Magic?>

Well of course. How else would you explain the blatant violations of the laws of science that you Pokemon commit on a regular basis, such as making grass grow in steel? Or causing a hailstorm inside a building? Or even allowing allowing the union of a Skitty and a Wailord to be capable of producing offspring?

<Well... that's not really->

But I digress. Anyway, the aliens also realized that the universe they created was not quite right, so they worked it over for a bit while also adding new species of Pokemon just to keep things fresh. They also finally made the planet spin. We know how that worked out, right?

<I know. It was awesome. Mewtwo wasn't the most powerful being in existence anymore.>

It still wasn't enough for the aliens, though. They reshaped the universe again, but this time they created three special Pokemon to remodel the entire planet for them. When that was done, they added a few more new species of Pokemon to the mix, tweaked the existing ones a bit, expanded the universe's color spectrum, and then called it a day. They also forgot to make the planet spin again. I suspect they were just being lazy.

<They must have. How else would you explain the reduced amount of content from the last generation? I mean, we had two whole regions to explore in Gold, Silver, and Crystal, for crying out loud!>

Well, you know, this is a race known for not giving a crap about quality or consequences as long as they're having fun. So anyway, when they decided they wanted to revamp your universe again, they did something different. They completely wiped your universe clean, then they created me and told me that I was to recreate the universe according to their specifications. Also they gave me a crapload of "strange energy," as they called it, to work with. This will take a long time for me to explain, do you mind?

<Sure, go ahead.>

So, using the strange energy I first created three helpers--Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina--to help me create what those slackers already created in the first place, because even with my power it still takes a long time for me to make everything by myself. Things were going fine until Giratina started being a jerk and blew up a bunch of matter that Palkia was going to mold into your planet. I told Dialga to fix the mess while I sent that moody prick Giratina to another dimension. After creating the stars, the planets, and all the other heavenly bodies, I created the Pokemon incarnations of the three aspects of sentience, modeled after my own, to give sentience to all humans and Pokemon on the planet. Also, Dialga and Palkia left on their own for some reason (I asked and they wouldn't tell me). The rest is as you know in legend: Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf go into the lake caves at where Sinnoh would eventually be, Groundon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza are recreated spontaneously in their respective domains, Groundy-boy and Kyo shape the world a bit before meeting each other and cause such a ruckus that Rayquaza gets angry and tells them to knock it off (saving me the hassle), Mew gets busy, Regigigas moves stuff around, and I go on permanent vacation because frankly I'm very tired and I can't be arsed to care about what happens to that universe anymore. Whew.

<So, that whole legend about you coming into existence by yourself... was all a lie?>

That's right. A lie I created.

<How did you do it?>

Well, once the first humans were created, I telepathically contacted them, told them the "truth" and asked them to spread it and the rest is history.

<I've heard rumors that the universe will be changing again soon. Is this true?>

Oh yeah, they're never satisfied. They've laid out new plans for your universe already. I suspect they'll retire my status as established god of the universe and get some other random loser to replace me. I don't mind; I've been getting enough flak as it is, what with all those humans trying to figure out some way to put me in a Poke ball and use me for their own devious purposes. They've already done that with all my other creations.

<Wait, haven't they already done that to you? And how is it that anyone can capture you, the frigging GOD of the universe, with a simple Poke ball?>

Hey, just because I created the Pokemon incarnations of time, space, opposites, munchkins, drama, and Green Lantern, as well as recreating everything the precursors got rid of just for me to recreate, doesn't mean my power is infinite. That said, the reason we have all these humans running around with balls full of me is because I knew this crap would happen way before I started recreating the universe, so I made a whole bunch of carbon copies of myself for humans to find in the Hall of Origin that I also created myself before going on a holiday.

<So that's why you can be beaten by your own creations.>

Correct. Because it's not really me. Also, I used up all of the strange energy by that point, so I can't really do anything beyond pumping out more carbon copies and killing anybody I want to with my mind.

<Hang on. Who's to say that what you've been saying isn't another lie you made up?>


<Ye-uhhh... uhh... no? Please don't kill me>

Hahahaha, I'm just messing around with you. It's so much fun.

<O...okay... Alright seriously, why are you such a jerk? I mean, shouldn't a god like you be benevolent and have infinite wisdom?>

Yes, but don't forget who brought me into existence.

<Great Cartoonist?>




<...Am I right?>

I'm not giving you the answer.

<So, what do you do now that your job is finished?>

Oh, I play video games.

<Video games.>

Yep. They're quite fun. I especially like the Dragon Quest Monsters series, it brings back a whole bunch of memories. Also, have you heard of Live A Live?

<Sorta. Kinda.>

You should play it. Download an emulator, get the ROM and the translation patch and get all the endings. You will cry.

<Alright, well, thanks for your time, I'm sure other people will have more questions for you later.>

No problem. Oh, and by the way, you know about your friend right?


That Squirtle. You know. The one with that idiot.

<Oh, him. What about him?>

It's crucially important that you must be the one to defeat him.


There are evil forces at work that have insinuated themselves in your world. I can't say for certain, but know this: you must be the one to defeat him, or else his soul will be forever lost.

<So, to save him, I have to kick his ass?>

That's right.

<Sounds fair. And ominous. But hold on, isn't this deviating from the original game's storyline quite a bit?>

Hasn't it already?

<Good point. Well anyway, guess this is it for now; the next update will be coming soon (I hope).>

Yeah, I really like to see how high your blood pressure can get.

<You read it too?>

I read a lot of things.
Nope. Not happening.

Last edited by Great Cartoonist; 02-16-2010 at 10:32 AM.
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