[bluestarultor]

Never settle. It's not good for either party. It's not good for you because it's something you don't really want and it's not good for whoever you're settling for because that person will feel it in small, but meaningful ways.

Chemistry is something you either have or don't. Even if you feel chemistry, if the compatibility is bad, then it's not going to hold the relationship up and the chemistry starts to wear off. Compatibility is also something you either have or don't. Compatibility without chemistry is much better suited to friendship.

I speak from experience in that I had a relationship where I felt chemistry, but the compatibility was poor. We didn't fight or anything (we got along famously), but there was just a disconnect in what I felt towards her and how we interacted. I still think she's a great person, but I found myself on the friend ladder because we were expecting different things and I wasn't fulfilling her expectations.

What you need to do is determine what you have and what you don't. If you feel chemistry toward her, you need to make sure it's mutual. If you have chemistry, you have to figure out what the problem is with the compatibility. This is harder, because chemistry is a primal thing you feel and just is, while compatibility is more cognitive and specific, but sometimes just as hard to explain because it's not just one thing. You need to think long and hard about what you expect from her out of your relationship and if she fits that image. It would be best if you asked her to do the same in a way that lets her know you want to know if it's going to work for both of your sakes. Think hard about it and make a list as things come to mind. When you both feel your lists are complete, compare them and see if they match up on the things that concern both of you and honestly discuss whether you both feel you can meet each other's expectations. If things don't match up, you need to accept that. Nobody is really going to change for another person. It just doesn't work that way. Change takes place over time, not over people.

If you feel that kind of direct route would put her off, suggest just being friends for a while and better getting to know each other. That way you're not chaining each other down for the duration of your military service. Tell her honestly how you feel about it and that you really want to work it out, and that it's not that you don't like her, but you want to be sure of your own feelings for both your sakes. Being friends frees you both up from making a serious commitment and lets you have fun together while you figure things out. It also lets your relationship grow naturally without binding you to subconscious role expectations. If you find yourself driving her around while you're friends, it's an extra thing pulled from a higher level, just as an example. If you're dating and you're not driving her around when she needs it, you're failing in a duty. Start at the lowest level and see what you're already willing to do from higher levels before you move up to them. Then when you do move up, it's an affirmation that you were already there.

Working up like that lets you examine just how far you're really willing to go when no one's pressuring you, which is as honest an approach as I can think of.