[Red Mage Black]

Yes, I used a Seil format post and I am unashamed. On the off-hand, I didn't know where to put this. It's meant to be a guide, however, it's more for comedy purposes and to sort of parody actual helpful guides. I'm also kind of using it as practice, so if anyone likes it, I'll try to write other parody guides in the future. This isn't meant to be offensive, so I'll try to keep the use of certain words to a minimum. The guide might be out of order, but I'm writing down what comes to mind first, so I won't be using a list format.

How To Be A Master Internet Troll

Warning: If you have a problem with being a 'bad guy' or 'making people sad or angry' and have a guilty conscience then this guide is definitely not for you.

Welcome to "How To Be A Master Troll" or better titled "Trolling For Dummies." This short guide will teach you the best ways to be a troll, angering people for your own amusement and giving you the attention you crave. Lets start off with the first topic.


"Choosing A Subject" or "Picking The Easiest Place To Anger People"

This will be the easiest thing for you to do. Go around on news sites or forums and look for the most controversial topics. Such things include:
- Occupy Wall Street
- Gay Rights
- The Presidential Candidates
- Media Piracy
- Internet Censorship

These will be your bread and butter and find you more than enough people to annoy since many people are talking about them.

"Your Username" or "The Stupidest Letter and Number Combination Meant To Be As Offensive As Possible Without Getting B&."

Again, this will be one of the easiest things you can do. Since you have your topic picked out, why not relate your username to it, but also be as offensive as possible? A warning however, that it must not be so offensive as to warrant a ban before you even get posting, so try to keep swears out of it. It doesn't even have to be about the subject, it can just be absolute nonsense. Use the template 'Adjective/Noun', 'Noun/Verb' or 'Adjective/Verb'. The combination doesn't have to make sense, but add a few numbers of your choosing just to spice it up.

"Text Format" or "Making Your Text Too Small To Read, Too Big To Ignore, Clash With The Forum Background Color Or Bright Enough To Make Someone's Eyes Bleed." (Optional)

Text size is a cinch to do. Most forums use html coding for text and images, the options usually found in 'advanced posts' or when the button is clicked, bringing up options for formatting your text. If the forum uses its own text sizes, your options usually go from 1-7, but some might use font sizes like those found in Paint, Word, Notepad and OpenOffice. Use the one you will find most appealing for what you'll be posting.

Color can be a doozy. Clashing with a forum background can be hard to figure out, because they're never usually the colors given in the advanced posting section. It is only recommended for more experienced trolls, as it fixates on your knowledge of the hex code for certain colors and shades, but that won't be covered here. Stick to dark or very bright colors on a dark forum background or white or very light colors on a light, white or off white forum background.

This isn't only subject to forums, but comments on sites like Facebook, Livejournal or Cracked, which don't allow text format, but that will be covered later.

"Post Format" or "Finding The Most Annoying Way To Type." (Optional

Another easy thing to decide. Capslock or all lower case tend to annoy most people, as most will be sticklers for spelling and grammar, but that is a separate topic of it's own. Just remember, "CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL, BUT EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL NEED TO STEER." Just typing in all caps or lower cases can anger some people enough to make them avoid your post and go after your typing style, which is a useful tactic for derailing a topic and manipulating it yourself.

"Spelling and Grammar" or "How To Make Your Posts And Comments Barely Legible."

As mentioned in the previous topic, some people are sticklers for this. You "must post in correct spelling and grammar," or, "Your post must be easy to read." If you're following this guide, these rules don't hold you back and just so, they're guidelines anyway. Find different ways to spell words, even subtract or change a letter if it still has the same result. Examples:

What - wat, wut
You - yu, u
Would - wud, wood
Lose - luz, loose (The latter can be a common mistake, but still annoying to some people.)

Another tactic would be to use the same word that has two different spellings and meanings.

"Posting In The Thread Or Topic" or "Finally Getting The Attention You're Craving By Being A Dick."

Now we finally get to it, actually making the post that will give you what you want. Attention and reactions that will make your heart race and give you joy like no other. Trolling isn't just about being an internet bully, but also being as annoying as you can be and it takes the utmost confidence to do so without feeling emotional repercussions.

When you get to this point, we'll assume you chose a topic of high controversy with a lot of people posting. Don't expect you'll be the only one trolling this topic, but you have this guide to show those newbies how to really troll. Take all that we've given you and start writing your post. Include unfounded claims and even make up your own. If you're feeling bold, make up a story involving either you or someone in your family in conflict with the topic and then make up a reason why you believe the things you're saying. Don't hesitate to put in true facts to throw people off. As stated in the topics above, "Text Format", "Post Format" and "Spelling And Grammar" are completely optional. The difference between making a jumbled post and a correctly done post can mean failure or success. Go with the flow of the other posters in your thread or topic. A post done up correctly in both spelling and grammar has a higher chance of making people think you're serious and annoying or angering people enough to actually respond.

"Responding To The Backlash" or "You're A Fucking Idiot."

Reading this topic assumes you've posted and now you're looking over the responses. You may run into different types of people. Here are some examples and how to deal with them:

Smart: This person knows you're bullshitting and is trying to call you out on it. This can be used to your advantage. Whatever they state as fact, you either call a lie or bullshit another fact or story about it.

Name Caller and 'Unwell Wishers': This is one of the people that are most effected by your first post. They get angry and take out that anger on you, therefore drawing more people away from actually the discussing topic. They'll call you curses you've probably never heard before and tell you that they hope you die, often in horrifying and unthinkable ways. Don't respond to them, but soak in all the attention they're actually giving you.

Other Trolls: If you've been reading this guide word for word, you'll remember that you aren't the only one trolling the topic. Your objective against them is not to retaliate but to try and post even more egregious things then them. Remember, the focus is to have everyone pay attention to you. Then again, they could not be trolls and just be idiots, so take care to make your observations.

Person Actually Trying To Discuss The Topic: This person has been trying to discuss the topic since before you posted. If you've been doing your job right, no one should be paying attention to them and neither should. Though there is a small chance they may become any of the previous categories with enough time.

"Avoiding Ban" or "Delaying Your Ban Just Long Enough To Get Your Rocks Off And Leave."

Truth is, you will be banned over the course of your trolling history. Once, twice or maybe even ten times before you've perfected your art. If you use garbled text and bad spelling and grammar, it will happen more often. However, the more successful trolls are the ones who can make others actually take them seriously and control the flow of the topic for themselves. Keep this in mind when you're posting.

"Knowledge Is Power" or "Just Because You're An Asshole Doesn't Mean You Also Need To Be A Moron."

Remember how the first topic is choosing something controversial? Well, instead of going into the arena unarmed, it might actually do you well to look up some facts and do a little research on it. If you're to be successful, you at least want people to think you know what you're talking about and it'll help people believe you're actually serious. Of course, as mentioned in "Posting In The Thread Or Topic", it'll do you well to add some of those correct facts into your bullshit.

"Godwin's Law," "Last Ditch Effort," or "Abandon Thread!"

If you've been listening to this guide and you find your efforts in vain, there might be one last thing you can do. Enact Godwin's Law. Try comparing a certain event in the subject or someone against you in the topic to Hitler or the Nazi's. This will have varying effects depending on the forum or site you decided to post it on. Either a mod or admin closes the thread because of it getting out of hand, the thread refocuses back on you and your bullshitting or it earns you a ban.

"Victory or Defeat" or "The Big Wide Interweb."

Winning or Losing may or may not earn you a ban, but there is no shame in losing and trolling might not be your thing if a loss bothers you. Trolling isn't about victory or defeat, it's cultivating attention and getting joy from other people's misery. Schadenfreude is a big part of trolling and you should embrace it, as other people will suffer for your entertainment.


Written by: (Real Name Withheld) Red Mage Black(RMB)

I didn't make this guide to actually coach people on how to troll. I just took what I observed from internet trolls and decided to make a funny guide about it. As I put in the topic, it's actually how to avoid being a troll or not acting like an asshole, even on the internet.

I have another idea outside of this one for another guide, but I'll wait to see what people think instead of just posting another thread on top of this one. I'm self titling these planned guides to, "The RMB Book of Douchebaggery." The aim of these guides are "being a total asshole". I just ask that people not take my stuff seriously.