[Aerozord]

There is some good news in my life. My fox Natasha is healthy, usual pup/kitten/whatever issues. Gets into things, not potty trained, ect. But otherwise fine. Sent in the stuff to get the license and plan on chipping her sunday which should cover just about everything possible for her. Got on a medical card and clean bill of health. My weight is now ideal. Student loans are still there but I'm no longer required to pay, so thats a plus. On food stamps which, is honestly a pathetically small amount but atleast now I dont have to beg my family for money.

Work has slashed my hours which has left me in an odd position. I make minimum wage, and they dont give raises, and as a rule never give you more than 30 hours (realistically you are unlikely to get more than 20). It is not a long term thing and has left me with time to think on what I am to do. My dilemma is, well its two fold.

First is just the general indecision. Many of you might scoff at this, but offline I'm considered a talented individual. Intelligent and creative. Now while this is true my family especially have little understanding of how marketable said talents are. While I consider myself a good writer I am nowhere near talented enough to make a living off it. So alot of this is about weighing how much I want to do something and how likely it is to actually get me anywhere and sadly it seems to be in direct opposition of each other.

Things I am considering:
Acting, both traditional and voice acting. One upside to being an aspie is you get alot of practice at acting and I've already rid myself of most apprehension at performing. In fact I rather enjoy it when given the chance. Getting on a stage, entertaining people. At this point in my life I'd say its what I most enjoy doing. BUT, it is so far on the spectrum of plausibility I hesitate to even consider it an option. It definitely seems like a fools errand and I only consider it because its actually stress free for me. I look forward to those few chances I get to do it and it never feels like work. Unlike my other options which have atleast some aspects of it that I dislike. Though besides the usual issues to such a career I also have a speech impediment. Only times I've done live work its been improv kind of stuff and I've learned how to just roll with it, but from a script doing live work might not be possible.

Another option, since I was little I loved inventing. Its why I went into engineering. Problem solving a way to make something better has a great satisfaction to it. While I no longer have a way to get hired to do this kind of work I can just do it myself. Create a product and sell it, plenty of outright stupid ideas I see on store selves all the time. Personal issue is, its done in my head long before its physically completed and after that I have the grindy issues of business plan, loan applications, calling around for manufacturing. The part I find fun is all at the start so realistically I have trouble staying motivated pushing through with something that might fall flat. This is also the most expensive idea, prototyping costs money, I'm poor, and no one will give me money until I atleast get that far. Also makes this the most high risk high reward option. If just one idea is a success someone with my low standard of living could survive for the rest of my life.

On the "start your own business idea", I have become interested in the gamer bars that have been popping up. While my area is small it also lacks anything even close to that idea so I think if I get in on it early it has a good chance. Its the most practical business idea I have, not the most enjoyable but I can be abit creative with it and eventually delegate most of the real work. The odd problem is my family would be too into the idea. I'd never let them get involved because they don't want what I want and the golden rule of never going into business with family. Still they'd try and that could add to my stress.

My final consideration is more conventional job hunting. Despite no degree I do have alot of technical experience and knowledge so I might be able to get into a low end position. Its the most stable option as I can try while still working my crap job. Biggest drawback is occupying the other end of the spectrum. It would be less a job I'd like and more a job I wouldn't hate. I might also run into the issue of hitting the income deadzone. Enough money to rob me of things like my medical card and force me to pay my student loans again but not enough money to actually pay for it myself.

With the exception of just continuing to job hunt this all ties back to my other issue with all this. I've been burned before, and often, by taking a risk and trying to actually improve my life. Its why I am in such a horrible position in the first place. Its very hard to get past "why bother when I will fail", thinking of how much time and money I'd be wasting on the attempt.

I still wonder if it would be better to just try to make the best of what little I have and accept my life as it is. It can certainly get worse and I've grown rather sick of digging myself into a deeper hole on the off chance I might find something worthwhile.