PUNS!: Also Dammit Queeny!

[Premmy]

In this thread,we create and discuss horrible puns.

[Ryanderman]

I'm subscribed to a joke a day e-mail service. This was yesterdays:


A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
came and informed the dad that his son was born without a
torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he
could. Twenty-one years later, the son was old enough for
his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told
him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest
drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons
chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The
bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged
his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another
drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the
whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands,
he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of
it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy
stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He
stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front
door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The
bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while
he was a head."

[Amake]

Want another taste of my taekwondsleydale huh?

Okay, let me tell you the story of the worst pun I made all year in 2009. It came up in Eve Online chat, in the middle of a "strip mining" joke session.

Q: What do you call a fleet of Rokhs attacking you with medium size artillery?
A: Scorpions.

To explain, Rokhs, Scorpions and Hurricanes are all spaceships you can fly in Eve. "Rokh" is a homonym of "Rock". Hurricanes tend to attack you with medium size artillery. It follows that if a number of Rokhs used the same weapons, although they'd be quite inefficient at it, they'd do something to you similar to what a Hurricane would do.

Re. Ryanderman's joke, I like it. It almost qualifies as a Shaggy Dog story, although those are best if they're really really long.

[Premmy]

Jake the snake is the most horrible thing ever.
Your pun loses points for requiring a nerdy-ass explanation.

Ryan Wins

LIGHTNING ROUND!

Puns involving Food and Weaponry.

winner gets a Kookie.

[Amake]

In the Swedish, we have the same word for "goal" and "meal". Soccer jokes abound.

Anyway, how about that new cannon diet? I bit the bullet and lost nine pounds in one shot.

[Premmy]

SHABAM!


Now! Fire-Fight round!
Two Puns in succession!
Winner get's a beer!
Puns about:
Animals, and Music!

[Amake]

Overheard at the suicide cult party:
"This poison filling is yummy. What is it?"
"Gravy."

Edit: Oh we're on a new topic. Have you heard the one about the animals who started a band? It was a tuna and a bass.

(Again, I miss the Swedish. Our word for "shellfish" is "skaldjur" which could mean both "scale-animal" and "skald-animal".

And then there was the guy who played the horses. His favorite was the Camptown races.*

I can't think of any more but let me relate a funny story about some animals. Once upon a time there was an anthill that was bothered by an elephant. Every day, the elephant would come and stand next to the ants' home and stomp on the ground, causing relatively great earthquakes. Rebuilding their city for the fiftieth time, the ants decided they were going to have to kill the elephant.

So they all climbed into the trees and laid in ambush, and when the elephant came they lunged on his back and started whacking away. With one shrug of his neck, the elephant shrugged off all the ants, but one. That last ant desperately held on to a hair on the elephant's back, and the ant city looked up on her with desperate prayer in their eyes. She felt all their hopes and dreams resting on her back, and it seemed heavier even than the elephant.

Then, as one, the ant colony started chanting, loud enough for the elephant to hear, and this is what they said:

"Choke him, Amy! Choke him!"**

The end.

*Damn that's clever. Not as funny as taekwondsleydale though.
** Little known fact, all the ants in an ant colony are female except the rare specimen whose only purpose is to impregnate the queen.

[Funka Genocide]

I haven't understood one thing you've posted in this thread yet Queen.

[Amake]

Preems made a thread about fighting and cheese and i trumped his "brie-fu" and "karacheddar" with "taekwondsleydale", seamlessly blending taekwondo and wensleydale. It's the pun of the year and pretty much the reason for this thread.

Cannonballs often come in nine pound variants.

Poison filling fills up graves and is therefore gravy.

tuna and bass are musical-sounding names for fish.

Camptown Racetrack is five miles long, goes the song. If one were to play horses as a musical instrument it'd be a most ironic song to play.

And an ant choking an elephant is just silly.

Does that help?

[Seil]

Start scrolling down from here. Read until Mac ruins it.