Figure we need a proper joke thread

[Amake]

I was walking down the street looking for a hotel, and saw a classy lady so I thought I'd ask for directions. I said, "Do you know if there's somewhere to sleep around here?" I immediately realized this was a bad move on my part, being dressed in rags and my skin not covered in any substantial amount of glossy shit.
She looked down her nose so hard I thought she'd break her jaw as she said, "I am the Duchess of Northampton, Lady Catherine Giselda Tiberia Alianora Goodchild, wife of the celebrated neurosurgeon doctor Charles Atlas Goodchild, fidecommisar of no less than seventeen castles and founder of the fourth greatest public school of the land, and I. KNOW. NOTHING!"



Ooh, ooh, another one! Once upon a time there was a man who owned a farm. After his parents passed away, he went for three years without a single visitor and it dawned on him that he was lonely. That was mostly because he was a right unpersonable bastard and drove people away with his argumentative, invasive silences. What he needed, he thought, was a wife who didn't have any say in how far from him she wanted to be. Family, he thought, means they have to put up with you. And this being back in the day, he soon found the means to have a bride delivered to him by train. And on the appointed day, he put his horse to his carriage and went down to the train station to pick her up.

Now, the way there went without any trouble, and he spotted his wife easily as she had two large suitcases where her whole life was packed away and she looked around as if she'd never been near anything like this small town before. Frankly, even calling it a town was stretching it, it was five houses standing in a half circle around the train station, and four roads leading off into the woods. The man nodded by way of greeting, picked up the suitcases and slung them up on the carriage, led the wife on board with a firm hand and headed off home on one of these roads. You see, the farms in this land were few and far between, with miles of quiet forest roads between them. And they went on this quiet road, sitting side by side in silence for some time.

Then, all of a sudden, the horse stopped. A horse on the way home will make the effort by itself, so the man had maybe neglected to drive it properly, and now he gave it a firm lash with his whip, but still the horse wouldn't move. So he climbed down, walked up and looked the horse in the eye and said, in a low voice, "That's once." And then he climbed up and the horse started pulling as if nothing happened. But some time later, despite regular whipping, the horse stopped again. And again the man walked up to it and looked it straight in the eye and spoke to it, and he said "That's twice." The horse seemed to shiver for a moment, and looked down, and then resumed its work again.

As he sat down by his wife, she stared at him and tried to find words, but for that his silence was all too oppressive. And yet again, for some unknowable reason, the horse stopped dead on the road, and the man climbed down, took out his gun, and pointed it at the horse's forehead. "That's thrice", he said, and pulled the trigger. The gun made a short, muted, somehow scared sound but the horse fell down dead none the less. And the man took down the luggage and hefted it on his back and started walking, soon followed by his wife.

"What was that about?" she said, as bewildered as any of us would be. She was scared, yet exhilarated; her heart brought to life by the danger, the mystery, the deep dark thrill when she found herself looking into the man's pale blue eyes.

'That's once", he said.

[tacticslion]

I suppose I should get this over with now:

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

[krogothwolf]

So a guy from Alberta, Saskatchewan and Quebec are all stranded in the desert. Miraculously they stumble upon a magical lamp and a genie appears from it. He explains to the three of them that he will send them all back home on the condition that they each make one wish first. The guy from Saskatchewan agrees to go first. He explains to the genie about how the lack of rain is making the soil unfertile in his province, and with that he is sent back to his home to find the most fertile soil he could ever imagine.

Then the guy from Quebec steps up. He tells the genie that Quebec is loosing it's heritage and unique culture. He says that he wants a bubble put over the entire province so that no one can get in, and no one can get out. In a flash, he is sent back to his home in Quebec and sees that there is in fact a large bubble covering the entire province.

The last of the three, the Albertan, is standing there laughing. The genie looks at him and asks what is so funny.

Still laughing, the Albertan looks up and says, "you know that bubble you just put over Quebec... fill it with water."

[Amake]

Huh, must be some Albertian in-joke. Brings to mind Swedish cultural hero Bellman. (Based on eighteenth century bard Carl Michael Bellman.) His stories often go something like this:

A Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman were stuck on a desert island when one of them happened to find a bottle with a genie in it. The genie gives them one wish each, and the Dane says "I want to go home", and the genie says "It is done", and the Dane goes poof and disappears.

Naturally, the Norwegian also goes "I want to go home", and goes home in a puff of smoke.

"It's lonely here without those guys", says Bellman. "I wish they'd come back."

[krogothwolf]

It's a Canadian In Joke you could swap alberta for any of the other provinces or territories and they'd still wish for the same thing to happen to Quebec!

[Julford Hajime]

...No pokepuns allowed in this one, I assume?

That's a shame.no seriously I won't do it.unless someone else starts it.

[Token]

Originally Posted by Julford Hajime

unless someone else starts it.

No Pokepuns yet? Well,

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Originally Posted by Token

No Pokepuns yet? Well,

I hate you so hard right now.

[Token]

Originally Posted by Julford Hajime

Wait, you bring a pokepun turf war back up in here, and then re-use one from the last war?

I guess your right. At least no one hates me for it this time, though.

Originally Posted by Mac

I hate you so hard right now.

[Aldurin]

So two Iron Maulers walk into a bar. Well, at least they try, but the entrance is only one hex wide and they keep trapping eachother with their ZoC. Both are so determined to get inside first, they begin to fight to the death. Problem is, they each have 10% impact resistance and each can only attack twice every 4 hours. They might have been able to resolve it by dawn, but of all of their luck, the floor beneath them was made from the same stone as castle walls, giving them their highest available dodge chance. And to top that off, there was a party of Elvish Druids behind them, each able to heal 8 hitpoints every 4 hours.

The fight went on for months, then years, everyone was trapped because of the same stupid ZoC that started the whole thing. Eventually the bar had to close down due to lack of business, so instead the bartender hired an army of Drakes to kill off most of the crowd, and then he built an arena around the Iron Maulers and Elvish Druids. Profits soared and the never-ending fight was famous across the lands.

Then one day, the Iron Maulers stopped and told the crowd, "Psych!! You guys are such dumbasses, we have the same team color on our armor and everyone knows that allies don't get caught in eachothers ZoC!!"

I doubt anyone here is gonna get this joke, and if you do, I know where you lurk.