Kids and their parents and caretakers: a guide to Wal-Mart transactions

[Magus]

I recently wrote a post in the Avengers topic wherein I bemoaned the state of cinemas vis a vis very small children and their being allowed entrance to them, especially when the film being shown is Watchmen, because seriously, come on, what the fuck? But I felt some specifics might be in order as to the caretaking of children within the environs of Wal-Mart. I have none of my own, of course (what am I, some kind of cretin ), but I feel that some things may be self-evident. As such, here are a few tips:

1. To grandmothers: quit telling your four-year-old grandson to "hurry up and make a choice" when picking out something for him to buy at the store as you wander around, getting more and more exasperated as he picks up thing after thing after thing. He is utterly incapable of making an informed decision as to what he wants. He is distracted by all the shiny options, and I assure you he cannot grasp that he is only going to get one of them. And no, he didn't actually want Kidz Bop 18 from several years ago, lady, he wanted that copy of Horton Hears a Who he was looking at five minutes ago. What are you, retarded? Don't ever actually buy the kid the last thing he picks up, he's a kid. Pick out the thing that actually made sense from the shitload of things he was throwing around. Sheesh, is this really that hard? Man. No, he doesn't want that Kenny Chesney CD, either. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU MAKE THE DECISION YOU ARE A 60 YEAR OLD WOMAN AND HE IS THREE

2. Your six year old kid didn't almost get creamed by that car because they "don't pay enough attention", so maybe you could quit yelling at them like a harpy. Like as a rule I'm not really against yelling at kids but seriously now. They almost got creamed by that car in the parking lot because you weren't paying enough attention to where they were in comparison to the car. It's a six year old kid, they're bound to step out in cars, that's why you hold their hand constantly. Yeah, I know, they don't want you to hold their hand and whine at you to stop. Deal with it. You're not even pushing a shopping cart or anything. What is distracting you?

3. Yes, your 14 year old granddaughter or daughter or whatever wants you to spend the entirety of her birthday money on Mass Effect 3. Quit telling her that that'll leave with her with nothing left to buy other presents. She doesn't want anything else, she wants Mass Effect 3. Damn, are you deaf, or something? Jesus Christ. She gets it. Yes, for the fifth time, she doesn't want money left over for you to buy socks and school clothes. God, are you serious with this? Yes, she understands it's 60 whole dollars. What are you, from 1937? Oh, you are. Well I guess that's understandable but seriously, come on. It's Mass Effect 3. This is the opposite of the three year old conundrum in #1. I mean, seriously, now.

4. Just to reiterate my earliest point, don't buy your kids Watchmen on DVD, either. I mean, come on now. COME ON NOW

5. Letting your kids drive the cart directly into the back of my heels is right out. Maybe just drive that thing yourself, okay?

Let these simple tips guide your path through your Wal-Mart transactions when your children are in tow. Any further tips may be appended below.