I may have to go on the lam, you guys

[Satan's Onion]

In my inbox: An email titled (seriously) "FBI OFFICE GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DONT [sic] WANT US TO ARREST YOU AND JAIL YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" from FBI OFFICE, whose email handle is...JTCARPETCLEANING at [email service redacted].

My questions to everybody: How do I beat this rap and/or make sure I remain un-shanked during my upcoming prison sentence? After all, this is clearly serious FBI business .

edit: On the bright side, I won 800,000 United Kingdom Pounds apparently! (Yep, "United Kingdom Pounds", verbatim.) Maybe I can make that into real U.S. money somehow?

[Bells]

You need a car, a weapon, at least 3 possible and viable hostages and a getaway vehicle.

Buy multiple tickets on your credit car. Train, bus, Air on multiple time slots... doesn't matter, they will trace them all but won't be able to tell which one you will use and you won't be able to use the credit card for anything else anyways, so might as well make it for good use.

Then, of course, buy some Hair Dye (cash only, in somewhere with no cameras), take your hostage unconscious to the complet opposite direction where you want to go and leave him there to be found (distraction!), leave some silly clues for it too!

That should buy you a couple of days to have the feds and local possible scrambling around for you on all the wrong places.

At that point... Canada. Then Alaska. Then you go west for asia by sea.

It's almost too easy!

[Intern Nin]

You forgot the most important thing, Bells! A new life means a new identity. You got to pick out a new name for yourself.

I would go with... Allison Notafugitive.

[Aerozord]

there will be checkpoints as you try to flee remember these nine words which have saved many a fugitive

"These are not the droids you are looking for"

[Krylo]

Originally Posted by Bells

You need a car, a weapon, at least 3 possible and viable hostages and a getaway vehicle.

Buy multiple tickets on your credit car. Train, bus, Air on multiple time slots... doesn't matter, they will trace them all but won't be able to tell which one you will use and you won't be able to use the credit card for anything else anyways, so might as well make it for good use.

Then, of course, buy some Hair Dye (cash only, in somewhere with no cameras), take your hostage unconscious to the complet opposite direction where you want to go and leave him there to be found (distraction!), leave some silly clues for it too!

That should buy you a couple of days to have the feds and local possible scrambling around for you on all the wrong places.

At that point... Canada. Then Alaska. Then you go west for asia by sea.

It's almost too easy!

Mexico is better. They don't extradite, and you only have to cross one border with the US border patrol on it (and a pretty 'leaky' one at that) to get out.

[Seil]

Osterbaum - Osterworthington III - you may have to lie about your carpets.

[mauve]

I'll bet the Nigerian prince from whom you won the United Kingdom Pounds secretly framed you as part of a larger revenge scheme against the FBI. Clearly, now it's time for you to get a really flashy car and go on an action-packed globe-spanning adventure to evade the FBI and prove your innocence before the real villain gets away and kidnaps the moon or something. You'll probably have a lot of close-call last-minute escapes and end up with a mysterious and attractive partner in crime who may or may not end up as a double agent out to kill you.

I mean, obviously that's what you'll have to do. A bazillion action movies can't be wrong about these things.

[Bells]

I Just got this e-mail...

RE: YOUR PACKAGE DELIVERY BY 5:30 PM TOMORROW <fbioffficeflorida@fbi.gov.org>


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
(FBI FLORIDA)
DEPT: WORLD DEBT RECONCILIATION AGENCIES.
23 TALOR WAY JACKSONVILLE FLORIDA.
Official Website: http://www.fbi.gov/
http://www.fbi.gov/libref/executives/director.htm
EMAIL: (fbiofficeflorida@usa.com)


Hello


We officially write to you based on the total collection of your package delivery by 5:30 pm tomorrow.


However we hereby draw to your notice that you have to get your package insured against any governmental agency and also to protect your Fundamental Human Right as soon as your package is been delivered to your door step.


So you have to understand that your package must be insured before the delivery can take place today, but failing to get the package insured you will not get the package as was scheduled to be delivered today.


However we have sent a signal to the custom and also your sender’s agent towards this new development, and to your information this insurance will cost you sum total of $76.


This insurance is very important to enable you access your package as soon as is been delivered to you, and it has been to our notice that your package contains atm master card which can be used in any atm machine all over the world and if you fail to get the card insurance you can not be able to use the card once it is been delivered to you.


So you are to forward the payment to insurance company with the payment information below for your package insurance to enable then issue your package insurance certificate and you are to forward the certificate to us as soon as is been issued to your for your delivery to take place immediately.

Name: john nwa
Address: Lagos-Nigeria
Text question: Urgent
Text answer: Need
Amount: $76

MTCN:.............................................
Sender's Name.....................................
Sender’s Address..................................


You are to email him the payment information as was directed on the email.


Contact person: murice bruce

Email: customerservicecare@linuxmail.org
linuxinsurancemail@yahoo.co.jp




You are the delay to your package delivery, so the earlier the better.

MR. ROBERT MUELLER III

FUCK! You guys... The FBI has my Package...

*shifty eyes*

Onion, dude! We're in this one together!! i'll meet you up in Tijuana, the sign is "Donde esta la biblioteca?". I'll be P. J. Normalguy and you'll be Al dente Incognito, Get a Mustache!

[Intern Nin]

Onion's a woman, numbnuts.

[Bells]

Originally Posted by Intern Nin

Onion's a woman, numbnuts.

i Know!! That's why nobody will be looking for Someone with a Mustache!!

On the other hand... it is mexico...

Either way! GAWD you don't know the first thing about international manhunts and escaping federal authorities do ya?! Do feds are coming for us all man! You can't fight the system, the system fights you!...