Let's Play Dwarf Fortress - Skeletal WHAT?!

[Kerensky287]

Originally Posted by Thadius

By 'end' do you mean 'wipe the fort'?

By 'end' I mean 'wipe the Kerensky the Woodcutter.'

EDIT JAN 21: Last chapter's getting started now.

EDIT SLATE 18: Shit. I.... Shit. Umm. Fuck.

EDIT FINAL: Oookay, I think I've cleared everything up here.

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27th Granite

Those miners are useless buggers. I had been trying to create a hole deep down into the earth so our marksdwarves could shoot those damned undead in the underground river... but nooo, one of them just happened to sneak a peak down and now they won't dig any further. They're a full height level above the zombies, I don't see what there is to be worried about. But I have no talent in mining, so I guess that if they won't do it I'll have to figure something else out.


28th Granite



I figured something else out.

Looking at a map of the river, it seems that most of the undead are clustered near the end of the river. We've got a mining encampment near the head of it, and for some reason or another the area is pretty much devoid of threat. I've started a new digging project above there. Now, there are two issues with the new plan.

1) The new location is pretty far south of the fortress. The goblins appear to have set up camp on a nearby hill as well, meaning that we'll have to protect the miners as they work. I've got some masons set to construct a wall around the dig site, but there isn't any stone nearby so the soldiers we station as defenders will be on their own for a bit. Bob and his mercenaries have already volunteered to head out and provide whatever backup is necessary.

2) Crossbow bolts won't be as effective with no target anymore. But that's fine... the wall serves another purpose. It will be the scaffolding for my new super-project. It will be a massive suit of armour, powered by mechanisms, capable of walking on its own, wading through the river and crushing all opposition!



I call it the Gurrin' Log-On.

1) The armour's titular Log-On. A mighty wooden weapon useful for clubbing the zombies into dust.
2) The armour's titular "Grrr" sound effect. Not sure how to make it do this yet but it's unimportant.
3) The driver rests within the heavily shielded beard. The driver will be me.
4) A single support that the machine rests on. Once released, the machine will drop into the river, ready for action!

My plan is flawless. It goes into action starting tomorrow.


1st Slate



A temporary setback in the plan. One of Bob's redshirts arrived early and apparently decided it was in his best interests to perform some force reconnaissance. He managed to escape in time for Bob to back him up, and the two took care of the few goblin sentries that had given chase.



Apparently the horde took notice at this point.



Bob and that other guy naturally charged right into the enemy force, figuring that offense was the best defense. They were also smart enough to go straight for the ranged attacker. Bob's wrestler sidekick actually TORE THE CROSSBOW GOBLIN'S HAND OFF while Bob eviscerated every other creature within 10 feet.



There wasn't much left by the time backup arrived.



I told Bob and co. that they could go right back off duty because there were no longer any hostiles within sight of the fort. Construction has continued pretty well for the entire day and there doesn't appear to be anything that wants to kill us.


4th Slate



While waiting for the entire wall/hole project to be completed, I went to work trying to make sure Mauve's quarters were up to her ludicrously high standards. While forcing more statues into her dining room we accidentally trapped a pony on top of one of her treasure chests but I honestly don't think she'll mind.


5th Slate



Pony and statues don't add enough. Drafting plans to enlarge Her Highness's dining room to fit in more statues.


17th Slate

Queen Mauve is so goddamn picky.

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CONVERSATION RECORDED ON 18TH SLATE

MAUVE: Why are you not making Us more treasure chests?

KERENSKY: Saywha?

MAUVE: We need at least 10. Give Us more treasure chests.

KERENSKY: But... you HAVE 10.

MAUVE: Yes, but two of them are behind statues. We can't reach them. And one of them can't even be opened because there's a pony on top of it. We need some actual useful chests.

KERENSKY: Oh, come on! What are you even going to DO with that many chests? It's like the statues! They're nice to look at but it's not like you need them all!

MAUVE: On the contrary, We need to store all of Our queenly outfits separately so they do not contaminate each other! Dinner wear cannot touch morning wear, and so forth!

KERENSKY: Look, I just DOUBLED the size of your dining room. I filled it with more wealth than is in the rest of the fort combined. And yet you still want more?!

MAUVE: As queen, We are entitled to-

KERENSKY: You're entitled to JACK SH-

*A loud crash resonates throughout the fortress.*

KERENSKY: ...What was that?

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18th Slate



It's almost poetic, really.

I mean, it's not even the new location that collapsed. It's the OLD one.

Some miner apparently got up the courage to dig through the hole again and miscalculated.

Gonna go see who it is.

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KERENSKY: What the HELL is wrong with you?! You trade your brains for balls or something?!

MINER: Hey, boss, it wasn't MY idea.

KERENSKY: ...Then who put you up to it?











KERENSKY: Oh no. Please tell me I'm seeing things.

MINER: Yeah, Thadius made me do it. Crazy gu-

KERENSKY: What the FUCK are you waiting for?! Get him out!



MINER: B-but it'll flood the fort! We'll lose a whole bunch of mines we never use anymore!

KERENSKY: Wall it off, I don't care! Just get him out!

MINER: Nobody can swim. What could we even do?

KERENSKY: *no response*

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18th SLATE



...He passed out while fighting off the hordes of skeletal lizardmen around him. The miner who fell in with him survived for a little while, escaping while they tore Thadius to bits.



No point in flooding the fort anymore, I guess. Not like there ever really was.



Now we don't have any kind of leadership. The one guy who backed me from the start is gone and I'm one of two people who knows why. We're also down to one miner now. None at all if he talks.





Screw that megaproject. I've got one last idea and running the fort doesn't really factor into it.

Ciao.

*A large, circular hole is cut out of the next page.*

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CONVERSATION RECORDED ON 22nd SLATE

URIST MCGOSSIP: Where'd that overseer go off to?

URIST MCOBLIVIOUS: Not sure. Think it had something to do with that crash earlier?

MCGOSSIP: For certain! I heard the zombies crawled up from that hole and dragged him down!

MCOBLIVIOUS: What hole?

MCGOSSIP: You know, that hole that they were digging - hey, you! You worked on it, didn't you?

MINER: Nothing happened and you'd better stop talking about it or by Armok you'll meet the same fate as Thadius.

*MINER runs off, a terrified look in his eyes.*

MCOBLIVIOUS: Thadius? What, like, we'll end up locking ourselves in our rooms for hours on end? Nobody sees that guy anymore.

THADIUS: Nobody sees who anymore?

MCGOSSIP: Hey, what are you doing out and walking around, Mayor Thadius?

THADIUS: Please, call me Thadds. And I'm stepping down from the office of mayor for now.

MCOBLIVIOUS: Why?

THADIUS: Too much work.

MCOBLIVIOUS: No, why call you Thadds?

THADIUS: Too much work.

MCGOSSIP: So, what happened to that overseer you appointed?

THADIUS: Uh, he ran away. The new overseer is... that guy.

GREGNESS: Hmm? What?

THADIUS: You two, Urists! Show him around the fort. Teach him in the ways of overseeing. I have to go inspect... umm, my room.

MCGOSSIP: So, who gets the old boss's tower?

THADIUS: Doesn't matter to me. But I want the statues regardless. Anyway, I'd better be going. See you later!

MCGOSSIP: Hold up a second!

*THADIUS freezes.*

MCGOSSIP: You look different somehow.

THADIUS: What?

MCGOSSIP: Something about your face.

THADIUS: Oh, I caught a dwarf-cold. So I'm wearing a mask. I drew a picture of my face on it so you'd still know it was me.

MCOBLIVIOUS: Oh. Carry on then.

THADIUS: Ciao.





MCGOSSIP: What did you say?

THADIUS: ...It was my book. It said "Meow."

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THE SAVE FILE

My original intention was to end this by dropping the Gurrin' Log-On into the river with my dwarf inside it (probably after asking someone who the hell they thought he was), thus ending the story prematurely. But while I was paying attention to other stuff, Thadius went ahead and collapsed himself to death. I'm honestly not sure how it happened. I had cancelled most of the channels for the old hole...

But yeah, Gregness's turn. I don't want to cut his turn short thanks to my quitterness, so we should probably start and stop on either the 22nd of Slate (which is where the save ended) or the 1st of Felsite (start of the next month). Or we could continue as usual, ending on the 1st of Granite. Doesn't really matter to me.

For future overseers, you'll need to head into [your DF folder]/raw/objects/creature_standard.txt and add [PET_EXOTIC] to the entry on unicorns. I also added [TRAINABLE] to the entry on wolves in [your DF folder]/raw/objects/creature_large_template.txt but I don't think it did anything so I don't know if it's necessary to add.

Apologies to Thadius, this really didn't turn out as I had hoped. But I renamed my dwarf to Thadius in hopes of maybe giving the real Thadius a possibility of playing again when his turn rolls around. Having an imposter allows for plenty of options - he could play as a ghost who haunts/possesses the imposter, or play as the imposter who is slowly being driven mad by the Economicon, or... I dunno, whatever else.

You could always kill him off if you don't like the ideas, too.

But yeah, sorry.