"So I'm Seeing A Psychiatrist" or "I'm Scared"

[Seil]

So on the fifteenth, I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time, a CAMH doctor that my family doctor referred me to. I've been struggling with a few issues for a while and I think it's long past the time where I should see someone.

As terrible as it sounds, I want something to be wrong with me.

If something is wrong, it means that it can be fixed. If there's no problem, and this is my normal, then that's worrying. I won't pretend that I haven't been reading about different afflictions and ticking off a mental checklist as I go down the symptoms lists, but recently a friend shared this list of challenges faced by those with autism, and I nearly burst into tears because of how closely I identify with them.

I've been on anti-depressants for a few months, and while I know there's no reason to worry before I actually talk to the doctor, but I can't help but worry. At the risk of sounding insensitive, I would struggle with some diagnoses - maybe the stigma of developmental disabilities versus psychological ones, but I am worried.

Nikose has been a dear and recommended help. Alcohol and marijuana, while not reacting well with my current medication (Trintellix) also help. (As much as alcohol and drugs help mental problems, I know.)

My second worry is that I know that psychiatrists don't cure things, they just provide you with the tools you need to work through it. I'm just worried about fighting a lifelong battle armed with expensive medication.