Figure we need a proper joke thread

[Amake]

I was walking down the street looking for a hotel, and saw a classy lady so I thought I'd ask for directions. I said, "Do you know if there's somewhere to sleep around here?" I immediately realized this was a bad move on my part, being dressed in rags and my skin not covered in any substantial amount of glossy shit.
She looked down her nose so hard I thought she'd break her jaw as she said, "I am the Duchess of Northampton, Lady Catherine Giselda Tiberia Alianora Goodchild, wife of the celebrated neurosurgeon doctor Charles Atlas Goodchild, fidecommisar of no less than seventeen castles and founder of the fourth greatest public school of the land, and I. KNOW. NOTHING!"



Ooh, ooh, another one! Once upon a time there was a man who owned a farm. After his parents passed away, he went for three years without a single visitor and it dawned on him that he was lonely. That was mostly because he was a right unpersonable bastard and drove people away with his argumentative, invasive silences. What he needed, he thought, was a wife who didn't have any say in how far from him she wanted to be. Family, he thought, means they have to put up with you. And this being back in the day, he soon found the means to have a bride delivered to him by train. And on the appointed day, he put his horse to his carriage and went down to the train station to pick her up.

Now, the way there went without any trouble, and he spotted his wife easily as she had two large suitcases where her whole life was packed away and she looked around as if she'd never been near anything like this small town before. Frankly, even calling it a town was stretching it, it was five houses standing in a half circle around the train station, and four roads leading off into the woods. The man nodded by way of greeting, picked up the suitcases and slung them up on the carriage, led the wife on board with a firm hand and headed off home on one of these roads. You see, the farms in this land were few and far between, with miles of quiet forest roads between them. And they went on this quiet road, sitting side by side in silence for some time.

Then, all of a sudden, the horse stopped. A horse on the way home will make the effort by itself, so the man had maybe neglected to drive it properly, and now he gave it a firm lash with his whip, but still the horse wouldn't move. So he climbed down, walked up and looked the horse in the eye and said, in a low voice, "That's once." And then he climbed up and the horse started pulling as if nothing happened. But some time later, despite regular whipping, the horse stopped again. And again the man walked up to it and looked it straight in the eye and spoke to it, and he said "That's twice." The horse seemed to shiver for a moment, and looked down, and then resumed its work again.

As he sat down by his wife, she stared at him and tried to find words, but for that his silence was all too oppressive. And yet again, for some unknowable reason, the horse stopped dead on the road, and the man climbed down, took out his gun, and pointed it at the horse's forehead. "That's thrice", he said, and pulled the trigger. The gun made a short, muted, somehow scared sound but the horse fell down dead none the less. And the man took down the luggage and hefted it on his back and started walking, soon followed by his wife.

"What was that about?" she said, as bewildered as any of us would be. She was scared, yet exhilarated; her heart brought to life by the danger, the mystery, the deep dark thrill when she found herself looking into the man's pale blue eyes.

'That's once", he said.

[tacticslion]

I suppose I should get this over with now:

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

[krogothwolf]

So a guy from Alberta, Saskatchewan and Quebec are all stranded in the desert. Miraculously they stumble upon a magical lamp and a genie appears from it. He explains to the three of them that he will send them all back home on the condition that they each make one wish first. The guy from Saskatchewan agrees to go first. He explains to the genie about how the lack of rain is making the soil unfertile in his province, and with that he is sent back to his home to find the most fertile soil he could ever imagine.

Then the guy from Quebec steps up. He tells the genie that Quebec is loosing it's heritage and unique culture. He says that he wants a bubble put over the entire province so that no one can get in, and no one can get out. In a flash, he is sent back to his home in Quebec and sees that there is in fact a large bubble covering the entire province.

The last of the three, the Albertan, is standing there laughing. The genie looks at him and asks what is so funny.

Still laughing, the Albertan looks up and says, "you know that bubble you just put over Quebec... fill it with water."

[Amake]

Huh, must be some Albertian in-joke. Brings to mind Swedish cultural hero Bellman. (Based on eighteenth century bard Carl Michael Bellman.) His stories often go something like this:

A Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman were stuck on a desert island when one of them happened to find a bottle with a genie in it. The genie gives them one wish each, and the Dane says "I want to go home", and the genie says "It is done", and the Dane goes poof and disappears.

Naturally, the Norwegian also goes "I want to go home", and goes home in a puff of smoke.

"It's lonely here without those guys", says Bellman. "I wish they'd come back."

[krogothwolf]

It's a Canadian In Joke you could swap alberta for any of the other provinces or territories and they'd still wish for the same thing to happen to Quebec!

[Julford Hajime]

...No pokepuns allowed in this one, I assume?

That's a shame.no seriously I won't do it.unless someone else starts it.

[Amake]

Ah. Well, it's been some years since I heard anyone rip into Norway like we used to in the old, old days of 1995. Such as:

Why does a Norwegian carry a big rock with him when he goes to pick berries in the forest?
Cause if he sees a bear, then he can drop the rock and run faster.

What's it say on a Norwegian fire hose?
Please roll up after use.
(I've actually seen that with my own eyes.)

What does it say on a Norwegian roundabout?
Max ten laps.

Oh and the great local patriot tale of the Northlander who wanted to move south, to Stockholm. He was told that he'd have to surgically remove 10% of his brain to become a proper Stockholmer, and he went "Oh alright, it's probably the ten percent I'm not using anyway."

So he went down to Karolinska and had his brain unscrewed, and then he woke up to a room full of grave faces. "There was a mistake", said his doctor, after the slightest of pleasantries. "I'm sorry to have to tell you, we removed nine tenths of your brain instead of one. It's going to be okay, you can still fit in in Stockholm, but it's going to take a lot of therapy."

The expatriate Northlander considered this carefully, in order to not bruise his brain, and then insight dawned on his face and he cracked a broad smile and said "De gor ikke na, jeg trivs bra me o vare Norrman!"

(That's Norwegian for "That's alright, I'm comfortable being a Norwegian, if you couldn't guess.)

Originally Posted by Julford Hajime

...No pokepuns allowed in this one, I assume?

That's a shame.no seriously I won't do it.unless someone else starts it.

Well we do have a perfectly blastocant thread for puns already. I felt we needed one with a wider scope

[Muere Enano]

Two sausages were sizzling in a pan.

Sausage no. 1 flops over to face the other, and says, 'it's kind of hot in here, isn't it.'

The other immediately screams, 'OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAAAGEEEE!!!!'




Amazing how these things translate! I've got it on good authority that that Bellman joke is told, detail for detail, in Egypt, and who knows how many other countries in the world.

[Amake]

One day Bellman was on the way to the castle and met a hobo. He pulled down his pants and asked the hobo to shit in them, and the hobo did so without any questions. This was the eighteenth century and all.
And then he met with the king, who said "Bellman, did you shit your pants?" as he noticed the smell.
"I did not, and I'll bet you a hundred gold coins you can't prove I did", said Bellman.
The king agreed and, of course, urged Bellman to drop his pants. But Bellman instead shouted to the hobo, passing on the street, "Hey there! Who shit in my pants?"
"Why, that was me", said the hobo. And so Bellman won.

Betcha that one haven't been transmigrated to no Egyptian culture heroes!

Furthermore: Once a Dane, a German and Bellman had a contest to see who could stay in a particularly smelly pig's sty the longest. The Dane went first, and came out after two minutes. "The pig farted!" he said, as he fainted. Then the German tried, and he stayed in there five whole minutes before coming out looking pretty green around the gills. "The pog farted", he gasped, gagging for air. And then it was Bellman's turn. Twenty minutes passed, and then the pig came out, fanning its snout with its foot. "Bellman farted!" it said.

And then there was the evil genie who was unleashed by the Dane, the Finn and Bellman. He said they each had to give him a challenge and if he, the genie, could do it then he would kill the fool in question. The Finn, stroking his trusty kaarves for comfort, tried: "Run around the earth in one second!" And the genie did, before his image could fade from their eyes, and brought back an orange piece of Uluru from Australia as proof. And then he cut the Finn down with a suspiciously large blade.

The Dane, shaking nervously, stuttered as he said "Run to Venus and back in one second!" And he had barely finished talking before the genie appeared with a sonic bang, bearing a little cloud of Venus' poisonous atmosphere which he stuffed down the Dane's throat.

Now Bellman was so scared he farted, but in that moment he shone up and said "Catch my fart and paint it green!" And the genie was never seen again.



...I kinda notice a theme here.

[Lady Fire Dove]

What do you call a petite fortune teller who just escaped from prison?

Huh? Huh?

A small medium at large.