Asshat's Spectacular Shenanigans!

[Token]

Not entirely sure if I should put this in a new thread, but whatev's. The old one was getting sort of huge anyway. So, couple things to get out of the way: First off, a warning. What I've seen of the dialog in this game is frankly retarded. I strongly dislike using the word "retarded" in a derogatory manner, but there is no other way to describe it. Secondly, this is, for the most part, a blind run. Topaz is a hack of Ruby, which means towns will most likely have similar layouts, and the events of the plot will most likely take place in a similar order. Other than that and what's in this episode, all I can tell you for sure about Topaz is that the bike has been replaced. This will be just as much of an experience for me as for you. Third: I'm actually going to attempt to update at least once per week. Knowing me, this might not happen, but I will certainly try. Without further ado, allons-y!

Volume Two; Chapter One: Let's Do the Time Warp Again

Ngh...dammit...Stupid dragons...

Excuse me?

Wait, what?

As in the jackass those other jackasses were trying to contact?

Oh hell. You do realize that ain't going down, right?

The fuck? What is that? It's like a fucking mutant Barboach!

Topaz ain't no region I ever heard of.

Yeah, I know that, jackass.

So is it your fault my Pokemon aren't with me? Nah. That was probably those stupid legendaries. So I guess your only crime is vaguely annoying me. And being the head of a criminal empire, I guess, but whatever.

Gio, I refuse to accept that any Pokemon that looks like that radioactive dildo is valuable. But, since I'll need to capture some Pokemon anyway, I might as well help you out for a while. But you best name me your successor. Got it?

And you aren't listening. Whatever. Anyway... boss... I'm Token.

Goddammit.

Standard grunt uniform? Eh. I'll make it work.

Prepare for trouble and whatnot, I suppose.

Fantastic.

New goal: become the commander of Team Rocket. Rage war on Palkia. Also, burn Johto to the ground.

Did he just teleport out of here? More important question: where is here?

A desk, boxes... and I felt movement... a moving van, perhaps?

Of course not. That would be logical. Clearly that was a helicopter. I really shouldn't be surprised the police are already here, I guess.

A) Who the fuck are you. B) What "scheme?" Three- hang on, that's C) I just apparently landed a helicopter in broad daylight outside of a house, we're both in Rocket uniforms, so why are the police looking the opposite way? The hell?

But. What. How?

Ah. There we go. Okay, Skittles should make a suitably flashy distra... forgot. Well, shit.

Fair enough. I'd feel bad for whoever's house I'm bout to break into, but I don't really feel like being arrested just yet.

It's bigger on the inside.

Those sneaky bastards! They anticipated that we'd run into some civilian's house?

I'd imagine they're looking for the two people in Team Rocket uniforms?

...my room. In an effort to help us escape from the police, you basically told them where I live.

I hate you. So much. In fact, just fuck this. I'll just turn myself in. It's gotta be less stupid than any other possible action.

...

...

I swear to Arceus, these are the dumbest people I have ever met.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Forget Team Rocket. If everyone here is this dumb, I'll be ruling the entire region in a month.

This... looks exactly like Hoenn. How underwhelming.

Eleven? That's fucking atrocious!

It's clearly NITE 10 'o'clock and 58 minutes!

How on earth did you manage to do that?

Okay. Yes, the two Pokemon I use most are a pink Hypno and a Chikorita, but that doesn't mean I'm gay!

I'm leaving as soon as possible.

I'd care, but I don't care.

If I do, will you shut up?

Didn't think so. It's going to be entirely impossible for me to go incognito, isn't it?

No casualties? That's good, I guess. Don't see why there would be any, but whatever.

Don't thank those fuckers for anything. They're all jackasses.

The fact that our "glorious leader" has managed to hide owes more to his own competence than anything else. If it were me, I wouldn't tell anyone where I live.

... that's. um. huh.

Sure, whatever.

This is so insanely stupid.

On the plus side, I have Welch's Grape Soda, the best carbonated beverage in existence.

I'm still surprised the popo left without searching Giovanni's house. I suppose it's not like there's a massive sign that screams "HEY THIS IS THE HOUSE OF A TEAM ROCKET HIGHER UP." That would be dumb.

Okay. Well. That's just my house, and I've already established that the universe hates me.

Dammit. Okay. He probably never spends any time there, and nobody knows where he really is.

Or, I suppose, random citizens could know he lives here.

I suppose at least he's a Rocket sympathizer. It's not that horrible then...

Yes. This is common knowledge. Why are you telling me this.

I refuse to believe that. Also, I'm leaving. This town is dumb.

Kid, are you fucking kidding me?

Find deez.

Oh for fuck's sake. Fine.

I'm... honored, I guess? I suppose it's interesting that the boss would mention a grunt to his family.

Did I ask?

I'd say that's not how rivalry works, but considering Dicktoe was apparently my rival, it might as well be.

"You will find decent grammar in other games."

Wait, there's a promotion up for grabs?

Probably should have announced myself before barging uninvited into a girl's room, but meh.

Some people call me Maurice...

Typical.

Uh huh. We'll see. Y'best hope Gio's a believer in nepotism.

You speak like a chav.

Of your trashiness?

Ah. Clearly I'm supposed to be jealous of your ability to make non-sequitur comments. Unfortunately for you, I'm a master at those.

Johto champion, douche. Top that.

Do I look like I have any Pokemon with me? I swear to fuck, if I ever see Wallace again, I'm having him implode your brain.

Try not to drown on your own drool, you mouth breathing chav.

So. Gio's not here, and that little shit probably won't let me leave. If he tries to stop me again, I'll just punt the bastard.

Did you actually just say "OMG." That's it. Whether you let me pass or not, I'm kicking you in the face.

I suppose that's one way to make an impression on my employer.

Que?

How dignified. And he's being chased by... is that a shake weight?

Because I have so many Pokemon with me right now.

Hmm... nah. See, I'll just wait for it to maul you, then I'll take the Pokemon for myself and begin my takeover. Peace, bitch.

Or, I could just get promoted through the ranks in a manner that won't immediately raise suspicion of your flunkies. Fine. I'll just grab a Pokemon.

Three of them, huh. Hopefully they won't look as derpy as the two I've seen so far...

Of fucking course that's what they look like. That's just... ugh.


So, NPF. Pick a starter! I'm personally leaning towards the dog myself, just because it's relatively the least horrible looking, and because my other two starters were Grass and Water, but I'll put it to a vote. Next part will be up within a week, probably sooner.