The Solid Snake is a Fucking Failure at Life Thread

[Solid Snake]

...You know what this community has desperately needed while I was away?

...A thread in which you can laugh at all the stories of how much of a fucking jackass, a fucking dipshit, a fucking miserable excuse for human flesh Solid Snake is.

...Let's rectify this situation immediately!!!

This is The Solid Snake is a Fucking Failure at Life thread, a special place where you can come in, sit down, warm yourselves by the fire, and laugh uproariously at stories of my complete and utter ineptitude.

Did you just receive that promotion, win the heart of that special someone, or ace that test? Come here to mock someone lower on the totem pole of existence than you. Did you just lose your job, lose that special someone, or flunk that test? Come here to realize that you still have it better off than Solid Snake, the living pile of excrement that God pities for ever having the audacity to create and expect anything less than catastrophic debacles with.

Yes, this is a thread where you will be regaled with stories of how Snake is offered opportunities on a silver platter and finds new and unique ways to shoot himself in the foot, scream and howl in pain, and then shoot himself again. Because as all of you and everyone else in this world can attest, there is nothing Solid Snake does better than...absolutely nothing.

So come back here for regular updates of Snake whacking himself with a gigantic hammer, standing underneath a falling anvil and falling off cliffs in a manner even Wile E. Coyote would find excessive. This is your one-stop shop for mocking the poorest excuse for a legally minded lawyer the law has ever known, and you are going to have so much fun checking my updates and laughing profusely at my unique brand of pitiless self-inflicted misery.

CHAPTER ONE: "I would call you an idiot but that is an insult to idiots everywhere"

Earlier today I went to Starbucks after my last class to sip on my daily dose of coffee, do a bit of legal reading for tomorrow's class, and waste time on my laptop chatting with people on MSN like Nikose.

I ordered my drink at Starbucks and proceeded to sit down at an available table. I sat down and began to work.

An attractive girl with dark tanned skin (likely Greek, Italian or Hispanic) and dyed red hair had ordered her own drink (some colored tea concoction apparently), then approached me, and said "I'm so sorry, do you mind if I sit at your table? All the tables are taken and I have an interview shortly." I said, "Oh, sure! Go ahead!" She was probably just a few years younger than me and quite pretty. I was a bit taken aback. Typically at Starbucks strangers do not sit across from you at your table.

And then what does Solid Snake. Guys. This is Solid Snake we are talking about. What does he do. What does he say.
Absolutely nothing.

I am talking to Nikose on MSN while this is happening. My first indication that something was a bit off was that she had brought a backpack with her and took out a book of...Immanuel Kant. She was studying for a course, underlining notes. She did not appear to be preparing for an interview. I did note this but figured she must be the type who's addicted to studying.

Nikose meanwhile essentially called me about fifty bad names and regaled me to make a move. Of course I said nothing, because I am horribly scared the minute I open my mouth she will say "Fuck off, I had to sit here and I'm studying, don't bother me you pathetic pervert." So I just keep doing my own work, listening to Nikose call me names on MSN, etc.

Eventually I get a call from my father, we speak briefly, and I decide it is time to head out because it is getting late and I have to grocery shop. Hint number two that something was off: Forty-five minutes have passed, at least that amount of time has passed, and she is still sitting there reading her Kant. Her interviewer has not arrived.

As I leave I actually do at least have the basic human courtesy to say "Good luck on your interview!"
Her: (looking up at me, smiling) "Oh, actually my interview was just cancelled. But thanks!"
Me: "Oh! Where were you going to interview with?"
Her: "Just an insurance company for an internship."
Me: "Oh. I hope it works out for you. Have a nice day!"

AS I WALK AWAY AND AM EXITING THE STORE, I LOOK BACK
And I realize something strange.
Something I did not recognize before, because at the time my vision was largely limited as she was sitting down.
SHE WAS WEARING BLUE JEANS.

...Now let's do the math, kiddos:

1: She says she has an important interview at the coffeeshop, requiring her to sit down in the store, requiring her to break social convention and sit across from me.

2: She spends the whole time reading and underlining a Kant book, and texting on her phone. I swear I catch her a couple times glancing my way, but I assume it's just my imagination.

3: The interview was "canceled" and she still wasn't leaving the Starbucks.

4: SHE WAS WEARING BLUE JEANS.

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...So after this occurred I told the story to my friend Kris, who sent me over a dozen texts in the proceeding hour mocking and insulting me, including the titular quip, "I would call you an idiot but that is an insult to idiots everywhere"

...Let's face the facts. A remotely attractive woman was actually interested enough in my appearance alone to take a gigantic risk and prove she had more balls than I will ever possess in basically concocting a hypothetical scenario that gave her an excuse to potentially get to know me.
I DID NOTHING BECAUSE I AM A JACKASS AND DO NOT DESERVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST.
I not only fucked up from my own selfish perspective, I completely invalidated an incredible once-in-a-lifetime gesture from one of a stark minority of individuals in the world who actually would be fooled into believing for a split second of inaccuracy that there was anything remotely redeeming about me and worthy of taking such a risk for.

...I deserve to be shot. I deserve to be hanged. I deserve to be beaten into a bloody pulp by Jack Bauer.

And she was reading Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason.
And playing with her hair the entire time.


...Come back next time for a new exciting chapter of "The Solid Snake is a Fucking Failure at Life Thread!"

Nikose was right I am chickenshit.