Final Fantasy X (The Longest Journey)

[Kim]

So, I'm about a decade late to the party, but I figured I should probably get playing FFX out of the way before FFXIII came out, so I could decide whether FFXIII being more like X than XII was a legitimate reason to be disinterested.

As NPF members, it is your solemn duty to give me tips for where to look for cool/funny stuff, how to get awesome optional stuff, and so on. And also probably to provide decent counter-arguments to me making fun of the game, which is done mostly just for fun, and not me being any kind of serious.

The game starts off with a scene from later on in the game set to really pretty piano music. It is at this point that we learn our first thing about this game. You can't skip the cutscenes. After a piercing glare from me, and a single line of dialogue from Tidus, we go to the real beginning of our tale... The Future. You know it's The Future because everything is neon and nobody has any fashion sense, including Tidus who decided the best thing to compliment his yellow, boy band half-shirt would be half a pair of pants with suspenders attached.

It isn't long before we learn the second interesting fact about The Future, and that's that everybody suffers from some sort throat condition, as shown through the universally terrible voices all across the board. Apparently this condition is more prevalent amongst the poor, as Tidus, a goddamn pimp who be rollin' in the moneys and the honeys, doesn't have quite as awful a voice.

After signing everyone's soccer balls, a trio of young boys ask Tidus to teach them how to blitz. Tidus gives a tentative "blitzing" date of that night. I don't know what blitzing is, so I'm left with the assumption that Tidus is some sort of creepy pedophile and they are his harem. Unfortunately for them, Tidus' boyfriend says that he can't tonight, for reasons unexplained. I have to assume the small, cloaked child is Tidus boyfriend, because no other explanation for who he is is given, yet Tidus does what he's told at a moments notice.

Tidus starts running down the road, which is occupied by people but no cars, and an announcer talks about some sports dude named Jecht. I thought that the announcer was announcing stuff at the sports dome, but he stopped talking the moment Tidus got there and was swarmed by pretty girls, so I guess not. After escaping the crowd of pretty girls, because Tidus just doesn't swing that way, he enters the sports dome, which is built around a giant water balloon, minus the balloon. Cue cutscene.

Apparently they play some form of soccer/football in this aquasphere, and I can't help but think that this is a very dangerous sport, since nothing keeps you inside the sphere. Proving my assumption, we see someone get knocked out into the crowd. Apparently spectating isn't safe either.

Rob Zombie is singing off-screen during the whole competition, and we cut to an old man with a broken arm and a jug of booze. He's standing on the ledge of some building, but we don't really know why. Before a decent reason can be given, Water Balloon's older brother comes out of nowhere to unleash vengeance upon mankind for trapping and using its sibling in the name of some silly sport. I don't know what Big Balloon is, but apparently he fires lasers and pod people, so he is not to be trifled with.

As the sports dome explodes, Tidus falls. Maybe I blinked when it happened, but I don't think we ever see how he survives the fall. He just does. Running outside he meets Old Man, who is apparently named Auron. Auron is Tidus' ex-boyfriend, I guess. Further clarifying who's who, Auron tells us that Big Balloon is called Sin by... someone...

Tidus current boyfriend shows up, freezing time because apparently he can do that. He tells Tidus not to cry, further cementing the blondie into the yaoi fanfic role of uke, before disappearing mysteriously. Tidus is largely unfazed by this turn of events, and joins Jecht in a charge towards Sin.

Pod people attack and Jecht gives Tidus a sword. Tidus wobbles side to side like a drunk struggling to hold it aloft with both hands, before Auron says the sword belonged to Jecht, who it turns out is Tidus' father. Auron asks Tidus if he can use the sword, at which point Tidus gains the strength of not one Who but ten and can now wield the sword one-handed with relative ease.

Combat happens, which is standard turn-based stuff, but you at least know the order so that's kind of nice. There are mini-cutscenes between the battles at this part, and you can't even pause those ones which is kind of a pain. The combat seems like it needs to steal the Auto/Rush button from the SMT games because it feels kinda slow and not very dynamic. Also, there are limit breaks and you have to do some sort of mini-game to do them like Simon Says or pressing X when the line is in the gray area. Luckily, I'm "GREAT" at it.

TL;DR - I don't hate it yet!