A History of the Nuklear Power Forums, Written by Solid Snake

[Token]

This is much more accurate.

[Aldurin]

Originally Posted by Premonitions

Probably Here, or Here

Originally Posted by Rejected Again

Now Prem, your being hard on the guy. I think around the time this came into effect is more accurate.

Originally Posted by Token

This is much more accurate.

Crapdammit, you guys made me hurt myself from laughing.

[Solid Snake]

Chapter Two: The Cradle of Humankind
On November 18th and November 19th, 2003, multitudes of impoverished vagrants immigrate to Nuklear Power, bringing their antiquated and prehistoric cultures with them. The Moderators are momentarily powerless to contain their influence.

Conventional historians often treat the emergence of Nuklear Power as a singular transformative event, ushering in a sudden and bold new era of startling technological and sociological development. While Kurosen's rise to authority undoubtedly and immediately altered the course of history, its impact on the everyday residents of the territories once dominated by Clan Porn was more gradual and incremental in scope. As a benevolent ruler, Kurosen was not known to impose his unchecked authority upon the people he conquered. To the contrary, the people were given the unique opportunity to essentially join civilization at their own leisure.

Nonetheless, the sudden burst of growth of citizenship Nuklear Power indicated a surprising willingness among the people to align with Kurosen. While many individuals undoubtedly chose a life within the walls of his illustrious kingdom, the spike in membership suggests that cruel necessity may have forced cave-dwellers and tribal warlords to relocate and consolidate themselves into Nuklear Power's villages. Scientific evidence collected in the barren lands of the borders of Kurosen's empire suggest that a drought decimated tribal populations. In addition to Kurosen's impressive military victories over the brutish barbarians of Clan Porn, this drought may have contributed to a massive immigration movement into Nuklear Power territory.*

Regardless of the exact details justifying their immigration, our archives are filled with ancestral testimonies of their torrential arrival in Nuklear Power paradise. The fifth communication recorded in Nuklear Power's known history, initiated by a now-defunct introvert named HRslammR, asked "what's the average traffic for Nuklear Power?" (He was likely baffled by the sudden explosion of immigrants flooding into the local villages, most of which only recently arose under Kurosen's patronage.)**

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=5

The response to HRslammR's honest inquiry was astounding: "Over 900 gigs" of human traffic were pouring into Nuklear Power's borders at a constant rate.***

Under the strain of this demographic shift, even the old veterans from Kurosen's virtuous armies found themselves temporarily displaced. "This is odd," said Krylo, a loyal mercenary who had originally been hired by Kurosen to fight against the hordes of Clan Porn.****

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=66

Krylo had noticed a "new look," which he apparently approved of. Yet he remained unaware of Kurosen's requirement (enacted shortly after the creation of Nuklear Power civilization on November 17th) that even long-time veterans re-register to receive recognition as citizens. "I tried sticking my e-mail in there, and it said it wasn't recognized...what would have caused this?"***** The issue was later resolved by the Moderator Drooling Iguana, and Krylo was able to successfully join the masses as a newfound citizen of Kurosen's burgeoning civilization.

As the new citizens collectively settled in to Nuklear Power's assorted villages, the first bonds among friends and neighbors were made. At the time, these refugees from outlying areas had difficulty engaging in communications our generation would consider basic and primitive. These young, waylaid souls were likely drained of energy from their exhausting journeys. The language of sophisticated men, spoken by the refined gentlemen and ladies of Nuklear Power, had not quite been crafted.******

Subsequently, communications written by citizens during this timeframe were often short and merely cursory, often attempting to craft 'small talk' among assorted individuals over insignificant and trivial matters. Pieces of tablets we've recovered have excessively indulged in misspellings and grammatical errors. Omega (ironically named, for he lived during the beginning of Nuklear Power's history, and did not appear to last to its end) created one such example in his pop-culture musings over a favorite "Final Fantasy":*******

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=50

Note the primitive, inarticulate manner of debate carried on by the participants in this ancient argument. The responses are often mere sentences long, with no forethought put into the words utilized to convey meaning. Words as simplistic as "original" are hopelessly misspelled, and at least one deranged individual (perhaps dehydrated during his lengthy misadventures into Nuklear Power territory) even dared to claim that liking FFX-2 was normal.********

Another wretched example can be found in the following tablet:

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=72

Apparently, this is what once passed as "entertainment" among the impoverished migrants of ancient Nuklear Power: Arbitrarily adding "in my pants" to the end of sentences. (Clearly, people then had very different and somewhat...unique senses of humor.)

One last example exposes just how powerless the Moderators, Kings and Queens of their day, respected rulers with the power to kill indiscriminately, were to stop this madness:

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=106

...Upon witnessing this painful onslaught of intellectual depravity, the goddess Mashirosen (blessed be Her name) not only allows the tablet to reach its full capacity before marking it completed, but even encourages the participants to continue their hijinks elsewhere!
This passive response from Mashirosen reveals another truth of the ancient period of November 2003: The Moderators, who were intended to wield extraordinary amounts of power within the confines of the Nuklear civilization, were restricted by this sudden and urgent influx of refugees from every corner of the Internet. Perhaps the all-powerful Moderators were convinced that, under their influence and tutelage, these young neophytes could be saved from their old, downtrodden ways. Perhaps they believed the newcomers could be taught how to speak and write properly, and how to appropriately instigate intellectual discussion. Or perhaps the Moderators simply had not reached the traditionally assumed apex of their powers. Maybe the Moderators, swarmed by the decrepit masses they had benevolently invited to reside in their kingdom, were barely straining to maintain a semblance of law and order.

Despite this period of turmoil and transition, Nuklear Power remained a paradise compared to the filthy land surrounding it: compared to the territories still occupied by the tyrants of Clan Porn, Nuklear Power remained a beacon upon a hilltop for the rest of the known Internet to emulate. Subsequently, the Moderators cannot be faulted or criticized for their leniency. They offered the impoverished, downtrodden citizens of faroff lands a chance to redeem themselves in a virtual Eden. Though the first days of civilization would require awkward growth and disturbingly childish indulgences, Kurosen and his Moderators knew that eventually the wheat would be separated from the chaff. Those who did not ultimately resign themselves to the Moderators' authority would eventually be called on their immaturity and forced to retreat to the Wilderness; they would eventually resettle in their own communities and perhaps rejoin the disjointed ranks of Clan Porn. Yet those few who would arise to the occasion would be worthy citizens indeed.

One citizen arose in these first days of known existence. Hotheaded, impulse, yet undeniably intelligent, this individual sought to create arbitrary divisions through his rhetoric and sought to enlighten outsiders of the presumed rightness of his impassioned perspective. With all the intensity of a life-threatening earthquake, Lockeownzj00 roared into the annals of history with a statement that was, in its day, an extraordinary source of controversy.

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=126

"Fuck you, Bush." He declared.*********
"Gay Marriage," he unambiguously wrote upon his tablet.

The gauntlet had been thrown. The blissful, serene, yet unpolished and unrefined era of comparing "Final Fantasy" poems and playing trite one-sentence games had ended, nearly as soon as it had begun. Lockeownzj00 would not tolerate such a waste of time, effort and resources. Lockeownzj00 demanded excellence, desired authority, and rigidly followed rules with the dedication of a Pharisee. (Until such rules opposed his own interests, at which point they could easily be broken.)

Despite his faults and despite his adversarial personality, Lockeownzj00 had issued a call for a serious, passionate, and entrenched debate.
Eventually, the people began to respond.**********


*Geological studies have largely confirmed that in 2003, the soil of these outlying areas had denigrated in quality and content. Different theories have been advanced by prominent scholars as to why this worldwide drought impacted the Internet, and why the territory of Nuklear Power was not effected by this catastrophic event. Some scholars have relied on ancient myths and legends, which make vague and oblique references to crippling droughts and largely place the blame on the increasingly unethical decisions made by the tribal authorities of Clan Porn. At least one epic poem references the chieftain "Chan IV," a Clan Porn ruler so savage and disgusting that the clouds themselves ran in terror from his scarred visage. The poem is undoubtedly inaccurate, but may contain a kernel of truth. Chan IV arbitrarily decapitated workers who merely annoyed him, forced his adherents to conduct massive orgies at the expense of gainful activities like hunting and berry-picking, and ate himself into monstrous obesity. A drought caused by natural climactic changes in rainfall totals was certainly exacerbated by Chan IV's tyrannical rule.
Another theory advanced by prominent historians studying the archaic hunter-gatherer culture of the era of Clan Porn involves the quality of the tools used to collect and utilize water, as well as those used to hunt animals for sustenance. In the ancient times of 2003, the most basic tools necessary for success in the world of the Internet had not yet been invented or fully implemented. "Youtube," used by blacksmiths to forge high-quality metals, had not been discovered. "Facebook," the technology utilized to irrigate lands far from raging rivers, was still a year away from its creation by the infamous caveman Mark Zuckerberg. "Google" longbows, though technically in existence, were not yet mass-produced, and many cave-dwellers relied on the vastly inferior and outdated "Yahoo" and "AltaVista" models. Historians who advocate this theory have suggested that when the sudden drought hit, ancient peoples subsequently lacked the technological capability to fend for themselves. Impoverished by their lack of knowledge, the fertile lands of Nuklear Power must have seemed glorious to these downtrodden wanderers.

**Perhaps HRslammR was a bit too shy to handle this outpouring of new individuals into his beloved homeland. From 2003 to 2007, HRslammR rarely left the comfort of his home to participate in public events; in April of 2007, he disappeared from Nuklear Power entirely. Perhaps his unexpected departure was an inadvertent consequence of Nuklear Power's population boom. In the aftermath of the population growth, those who socialized often and contributed most to Nuklear Power's robust community prospered, while introverts who struggled to find their voice may have felt shut off from the rapidly growing cliques of members who worked and bonded together.

***We have no way of knowing for sure exactly what "900 gigs" translates into in terms of actual numbers of migrants, as the translation of these technical terms into identifiable units has been lost with the passage of time. However, circumstantial evidence in Nuklear Power's archives would suggest the number was astoundingly large. On November 18th, a man named Hunter (now deceased) exclaimed "Whoah, the forums are going rather quickly."
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=24
While some stood in awe of this growth in Nuklear Power citizenship, others were nonplussed. A virtual unknown named Stimpo reacted to Hunter's exclamations in a nonchalant manner: "Don't worry...everyone else will be here shortly." Mantras like these were repeated often, in a series of posts made by newcomers announcing their arrival. Upon renaming himself after one of Kurosen's most prized literary characters, Evil Black Mage announced his presence: "Hi, i'm new. i wish to state my arrival."
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=136
Evil Black Mage also attempted to make quick money among the throngs by advertising his wares; however, his efforts were stymied by the moderator Viper Daimao, who likely had his hands full redirecting the new citizens of Nuklear Power to the proper bureaucratic agencies to announce their entrances. "There's an intro thread for this," stated Viper Daimao. Evil Black Mage subsequently disappears entirely from the pages of history; perhaps Viper Daimao killed him and displayed his corpse, making him an example for other newcomers to avoid. Or, perhaps Evil Black Mage simply felt unloved in his new environs, and voluntarily returned to the barbaric conditions of Clan Porn (from which he came.)

****Ancient accounts of the early life of the man known as 'Krylo' vary tremendously. Certainly, this was at least partially due to Krylo's intentional deception. In all of Krylo's statements, his own name has since been blurred, requiring the use of a highlighting device to determine the true identity of the author. Even Krylo's skullfaced insignia, once a common signature of his presence, has since disappeared from much of his work. Perhaps this is due to Krylo's known reputation as a ninja assassin; a trained killer, he is alternately feared, reviled and begrudgingly admired to this day by many members of the Nuklear Power populace. In a later conversation about dating, Krylo once remarked to the effect that he was exceptionally handsome and could seduce nearly any woman he wished; however, this statement was likely influenced by Krylo's own nefarious biases, and it certainly hasn't helped that precious few individuals have ever seen his uncovered face (and lived to tell the tale.)
Krylo's dark, mysterious past and his characteristically violent tendencies led to a short stint as a Moderator that ultimately ended due to a prototypical mercenary's ambivalent view towards commitment and his probable distrust of authority (among several other factors,) but that is a tale for a later Chapter. (Whether Krylo is even legitimately sane or, in fact, a dangerous psychopath is another one of those ambiguities that historians have never quite resolved.)

*****"E-mail," then as in now, refers to a private account held by every Nuklear Power citizen and used to differentiate each other; the accounts are used for communication among individual households, as well as utilized by Nuklear Power's bureaucracy to keep tabs on the number of citizens within the confines of the kingdom. Each gainful citizen of Nuklear Power is required to register with their own e-mail account, which Moderators and others may subsequently access to send private messages to the owners. In his complaint, Krylo is noticing that his e-mail was not "recognized," suggesting that the Nuklear Power bureaucracy had failed to recognize his identity as a citizen. This was certainly a disconcerting development to Krylo, who was unaware of the imposition of the re-registration requirement.

******Some tablets in the archives remain borderline illegible due to their underdeveloped command of language. A few of these esoteric phrases have since had their meanings uncovered by tireless teams of literary professors. For example, the seemingly meaningless letter "u," on its own and without support from consonants, apparently referred to the second person pronoun "you." Likewise, "Tonite" apparently was a misshapen, malformed version of the word "tonight."
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=62
"E-Doken," a phrase referenced once by an apparent werewolf, was presumably a phrase concocted to express adulation and worship towards the creator of all "Dokens," (including Hadokens and Boatdokens,) Kurosen. Thus, referencing a "Doken" was apparently akin to praying for Kurosen's approval or seeking Kurosen's affections.
Speaking of Dokens, however, no one was successfully interpreted the word "chilred" on an ancient tablet written by FIGHTERDOKEN:
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=85
Given the rest of the borderline indecipherable text FIGHTERDOKEN has written during his brief lifetime, however, it may be wise to simply assume the poor man had suffered from a mental handicap.

*******Final Fantasy refers to the series of epic poems (whose authors remain unknown, though the words "Squaresoft" and "Enix" are often associated with their craft) written predominantly for teenagers but adored by many ravenous members of the collective tribes of Clan Porn (if you wish to learn more on the subject, feel free to use your "Google" longbow during an organized search. You'll inevitably find thousands of grotesque monuments created by Clan Porn fans of the Final Fantasy goddesses "Tifa" and "Yuna." A forewarning: be wary of those monuments dedicated to a "beautiful woman" named "Cloud." He's really a man wearing [or not wearing] a dress.)
The deity Kurosen, founder of civilization, originally acquired fame by brazenly mocking the very first "Final Fantasy" poem in his first renowned literary work, Eight Bit Theater.

********As a personal note, I would like to remind all readers that the year 2003 was a faroff time in our nation's ancestral history. Many of the people who lived in those times suffered from maladies that are, fortunately, quite rare today. As historians, we must all take deep pains to remain unbiased in our analysis of those long deceased. Instead of judging these people by our modern moral standards (in that case, every historical citizen would inevitably fall short of our standards of tolerance and decency,) we must instead view the people of the past by their contemporary moral standards. Back in 2003, it was not entirely impossible (though still somewhat immoral) for a sane individual to enjoy Final Fantasy X-2.
If you have the stomach to accept ancient customs and mores without instinctively convulsing in agony, consider reading this link: http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=56
But you have been warned: The content is only for those capable of enduring the atrocities of a bygone era.

*********George W. Bush is known today as a demonic spiritual entity, one who possessed and corrupted the hearts of numerous conservative men and women during the heyday of his power and influence. Back then, however, opinions on the devilish mythical being were split. Bush had not yet revealed his true nature; many at the time, including your humble historian, were deceived by the apparent urgency and clarity of his narratives. Ultimately, Lockeownzj00's instincts would prove accurate, but his aggressive and (arguably) self-serving argumentative style would work against him in his efforts to convince others of Bush's true evil.

**********It is with a great sense of pride that this humble historian reveals that he was one of the earliest citizens of Nuklear Power, and he began to make an impact (however subtle or slight) in this earliest phase of civilization. Throughout the first few years of his existence, however, Solid Snake was a quiet presence, lingering on the outskirts of debates and refusing to become entrenched in the daily happenings of Nuklear Power society. In addition to the prototypical one-sentence posts regarding favorite Final Fantasys and other epic poems, Solid Snake indicated an early affection for history and philosophy (as well as his stereotypically obtuse obsession with long-winded rants masquerading as halfway decent writings) in this post:
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpos...07&postcount=8
Nonetheless, as Solid Snake remained very much on the periphery of Nuklear Power's developments, it is likely he will not be heard from again in this history...for at least the foreseeable future. In the interim, however, one of his predictions still stands the test of time, and is in fact a valuable observation to include in a historical work today:
"Eventually, millions or even billions of years from now, I predict that humans will either have become demigods, or have destroyed themselves somewhere along the way."
If I do my job, the rest of this story will ultimately reveal to faithful readers which direction humankind has been heading.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

This is truly a glory to behold! This is without doubt, the best thing anyone on this forum has attempted since the somewhat lackluster Nuklearpedia. In fact we should probably create a page for this to go on there and condense all of these posts into one contigous text.

Was that really the first major debate on the NPF too? On gay marraige? Man, I am actually learning stuff on the history of this site because of this!

I hope you can find the time (and the strength) to continue with this and adaquately document the last 7 years Snake. This is a fairly epic undertaking.

[Funka Genocide]

Man, you know a thread was good when you can read it like 7 years later and you STILL GET PISSED OFF!

Nice job Snake.

[Solid Snake]

Originally Posted by Hawk

Was that really the first major debate on the NPF too? On gay marraige?

Yup.
...So long as you don't include pedantic "debates" about which Final Fantasy is better, whether MMORPGs are worth playing, and if you avoid the not-really-discussion-but-still-funny (and included in the next chapter!) DarthZeth's "hey everyone you should stock up on guns and ammunition" thread.

I just wish DarthZeth and Lockeownzj00 had been more aggressive / angry with each other early on because a chapter with them tearing the living stuffing out of each other would be fun to write, but aside from a few snarky comments here and there, in November 2003 they were pretty civil. (But will that change?)

[Rejected Again]

This thread is simply amazing.....In my pants.



Snake, your my hero man.

[Amake]

I have been waiting for this day. The day a thread would happen on the Internet good enough to deserve this picture.

See, it's a thread bracelet with spools of epic thread for beads.

[Loyal]

So when do we get to:

-The comics thread
-Otaku Son

[Donomni]

I await the day of the chronicles of the OverFifthfiend and the tales of the RaiRO armies, and their deadly art of Muh-Mor-Pi-Guh.