The wretchedness of insomnia - Page 3

pochercoaster · 07-15-2016, 02:33 PM

So, I haven't slept in about 8 days.

I don't mean I've had a few nights of fitful sleep that were less than 8 hours. I mean in the past week I've at most gotten 3 hours of sleep a night, and many nights I've gotten no sleep. And I am totally losing my mind and don't know what to do besides write about it on here. Maybe this belongs in the 99 problems thread but, eh, fuck it.

I went to my doctor who prescribed me temazepam, which gave me 4 hours of sleep the first time I took it, 3 hours the second time I took it (and took a double dose), and none the third time I took it. It also gave me a serious hangover. Melatonin makes me vomit, benadryl maybe helps me relax a little, alcohol makes me more awake and is bad for sleeping anyways. I see my doctor again on Tuesday but don't know what she can do to help me.

My fatigue is so bad that it's giving me nausea and making it difficult for me to eat; in one week I have lost 8 pounds, and no it was not intentional nor is it something I'm happy about. And I don't think I realized how severe that is until I typed it out. I've lost a pound a day for a week, what the fuck? I've been trying to eat anything I can stomach, when I can, but it's hard; yesterday I spent a long time simply chewing and struggling to swallow saltine crackers. It's not like I'm not hungry either, and my severe reduction in calories is probably contributing to my insomnia, but I find it hard to stomach anything until the early afternoon, when maybe I'll eat a bowl of soup or a bagel and then it seems to sit in my stomach for hours. So I end up going to bed slightly hungry, being disturbed by the gnawing feelings in my stomach in the morning, and then struggling to tame those gnawing feelings.

I have missed 4 days of work this week and I don't think my co workers or bosses feel particularly sympathetic (I know it's frustrating for someone to miss so much work). But they'll say "oh, I have insomnia too; I get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night" and while that totally sucks, I am literally getting none for days at a time. I'm going to try and get FMLA but I don't know if it'll get approved or if it'll get approved fast enough. I am due for a second write up for my attendance, ugh. (Third one is final and anything after that is being fired.)

Earlier this week I did go to work and fight through the fatigue, thinking the physical activity would help me sleep, but it didn't. The last time I was at work I went home after an hour because I was shaking as I tried to slice vegetables.

So this is spiraling into anxiety about my job security. My husband quit his job and returned to school and we get money from the navy for his schooling but we still need my income. We just bought a house and a second car, which is great, but now I'm worried about losing my job and having to find one that pays significantly less than the one I have right now (I am an overpaid retail worker with only retail experience), or is only part-time. Also, I like my job and really don't want to lose it.

With each day that passes I feel terror. What if I lose my job, and then my husband has to quit school so he can support us because I fucked up? I want him to be able to accomplish his goals. What do my co workers and bosses think about me missing so much work (I have also gotten sick and missed a lot of work in the previous 6 months)?

This has been one of the loneliest and most isolating weeks I've experienced in, well, a long time. Staying awake through the night and then waiting for my husband to wake up is grueling.

Okay, so sleep hygiene? I'm working on it. I quit coffee four days ago (I only had one cup a day anyways, but whatever.) I use a bluelight filter on my phone and (inconsistently) avoid watching youtube before bed (this was/is one of my big addictions). My room is cool and dark, my bed is comfortable... and yet... nothing.

It's like I spend all day utterly tired, but when I lie down my brain wakes up, even if I'm on the cusp of relaxation. I'm working on meditation and breathing exercises, which are helping maybe a little bit to calm my mind but it's not enough to put me to sleep. I even tried listening to hokey sleep hypnosis videos on youtube, which relax me until they end and then I'm awake again.

I bounce between the bed and the couch. Initially, the couch seemed more conducive to sleep, probably because I didn't associate struggling to sleep with it, but after a few restless nights that association is starting to form with it too.

You're supposed to get up and read if you don't sleep, but how I am I supposed to read when I'm tired? What the heck am I supposed to do at 3am when I'm awake but sleepy?

At this point I don't know if anxiety is causing the insomnia or vice-versa.

Leading up to the weeks when I started having sleeping issues (in previous weeks I did sleep, but just fell asleep later than usual), I had some frustrations with my life. Namely, my life is too repetitive. It consists of waking up around 11am to get ready for work, which takes me awhile because I'm tired, working from 2:30-10:30, going home, and then probably watching youtube let's plays or something similar until I sleep. (When I actually sleep!) I don't get any sunlight which probably isn't helping. If I'm lucky, I will wake up earlier and run 2 miles before going to work. I know exercise is supposed to help with sleep, but it's out of the question when I can't sleep at all.

I'm an extreme introvert and find going out and interacting with the world tiring unless I'm in a really good mood. Also the reduction in my spending money has made it less appealing to go outside anywhere. But the lack of variety and stimulation in my life might be turning my head inside out.

I spent most of my life until I moved in with my husband on survival mode. The only thing that mattered was that I was alive and eliminating toxic shit/people from my life, which was a lengthy task. Relaxing and fun were something I would experience afterwards. I don't want to go all “first world problems” or “oh look at me my life is so perfect feel bad for me” but I feel like I'm stuck, like I spent so much time trying to construct a functional life that I don't actually know what to feel or do now that I have it. Coincidentally I started having sleeping problems when I moved into my house in May, which I envisioned as the last step in constructing the life I wanted. (I know life is an ongoing process but I kind of have problems with being present in the moment I guess.)

I suppose my subconscious brain's answer is to simply explode in suffering and anxiety.

Or maybe it's just my thyroid and I'll find out when I get my blood work back on Tuesday. I doubt it, though.

If you read all of my rambling up there, thank you. If you have anything to share please offer it. I feel alone and desperate and I'm losing hope that this has an end to it.

All I want is to get some rest and get back to work, and enjoy my weekends.

07-15-2016, 02:33 PM	#1
pochercoaster rollerpocher tycoon Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 1,808	The wretchedness of insomnia So, I haven't slept in about 8 days. I don't mean I've had a few nights of fitful sleep that were less than 8 hours. I mean in the past week I've at most gotten 3 hours of sleep a night, and many nights I've gotten no sleep. And I am totally losing my mind and don't know what to do besides write about it on here. Maybe this belongs in the 99 problems thread but, eh, fuck it. I went to my doctor who prescribed me temazepam, which gave me 4 hours of sleep the first time I took it, 3 hours the second time I took it (and took a double dose), and none the third time I took it. It also gave me a serious hangover. Melatonin makes me vomit, benadryl maybe helps me relax a little, alcohol makes me more awake and is bad for sleeping anyways. I see my doctor again on Tuesday but don't know what she can do to help me. My fatigue is so bad that it's giving me nausea and making it difficult for me to eat; in one week I have lost 8 pounds, and no it was not intentional nor is it something I'm happy about. And I don't think I realized how severe that is until I typed it out. I've lost a pound a day for a week, what the fuck? I've been trying to eat anything I can stomach, when I can, but it's hard; yesterday I spent a long time simply chewing and struggling to swallow saltine crackers. It's not like I'm not hungry either, and my severe reduction in calories is probably contributing to my insomnia, but I find it hard to stomach anything until the early afternoon, when maybe I'll eat a bowl of soup or a bagel and then it seems to sit in my stomach for hours. So I end up going to bed slightly hungry, being disturbed by the gnawing feelings in my stomach in the morning, and then struggling to tame those gnawing feelings. I have missed 4 days of work this week and I don't think my co workers or bosses feel particularly sympathetic (I know it's frustrating for someone to miss so much work). But they'll say "oh, I have insomnia too; I get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night" and while that totally sucks, I am literally getting none for days at a time. I'm going to try and get FMLA but I don't know if it'll get approved or if it'll get approved fast enough. I am due for a second write up for my attendance, ugh. (Third one is final and anything after that is being fired.) Earlier this week I did go to work and fight through the fatigue, thinking the physical activity would help me sleep, but it didn't. The last time I was at work I went home after an hour because I was shaking as I tried to slice vegetables. So this is spiraling into anxiety about my job security. My husband quit his job and returned to school and we get money from the navy for his schooling but we still need my income. We just bought a house and a second car, which is great, but now I'm worried about losing my job and having to find one that pays significantly less than the one I have right now (I am an overpaid retail worker with only retail experience), or is only part-time. Also, I like my job and really don't want to lose it. With each day that passes I feel terror. What if I lose my job, and then my husband has to quit school so he can support us because I fucked up? I want him to be able to accomplish his goals. What do my co workers and bosses think about me missing so much work (I have also gotten sick and missed a lot of work in the previous 6 months)? This has been one of the loneliest and most isolating weeks I've experienced in, well, a long time. Staying awake through the night and then waiting for my husband to wake up is grueling. Okay, so sleep hygiene? I'm working on it. I quit coffee four days ago (I only had one cup a day anyways, but whatever.) I use a bluelight filter on my phone and (inconsistently) avoid watching youtube before bed (this was/is one of my big addictions). My room is cool and dark, my bed is comfortable... and yet... nothing. It's like I spend all day utterly tired, but when I lie down my brain wakes up, even if I'm on the cusp of relaxation. I'm working on meditation and breathing exercises, which are helping maybe a little bit to calm my mind but it's not enough to put me to sleep. I even tried listening to hokey sleep hypnosis videos on youtube, which relax me until they end and then I'm awake again. I bounce between the bed and the couch. Initially, the couch seemed more conducive to sleep, probably because I didn't associate struggling to sleep with it, but after a few restless nights that association is starting to form with it too. You're supposed to get up and read if you don't sleep, but how I am I supposed to read when I'm tired? What the heck am I supposed to do at 3am when I'm awake but sleepy? At this point I don't know if anxiety is causing the insomnia or vice-versa. Leading up to the weeks when I started having sleeping issues (in previous weeks I did sleep, but just fell asleep later than usual), I had some frustrations with my life. Namely, my life is too repetitive. It consists of waking up around 11am to get ready for work, which takes me awhile because I'm tired, working from 2:30-10:30, going home, and then probably watching youtube let's plays or something similar until I sleep. (When I actually sleep!) I don't get any sunlight which probably isn't helping. If I'm lucky, I will wake up earlier and run 2 miles before going to work. I know exercise is supposed to help with sleep, but it's out of the question when I can't sleep at all. I'm an extreme introvert and find going out and interacting with the world tiring unless I'm in a really good mood. Also the reduction in my spending money has made it less appealing to go outside anywhere. But the lack of variety and stimulation in my life might be turning my head inside out. I spent most of my life until I moved in with my husband on survival mode. The only thing that mattered was that I was alive and eliminating toxic shit/people from my life, which was a lengthy task. Relaxing and fun were something I would experience afterwards. I don't want to go all “first world problems” or “oh look at me my life is so perfect feel bad for me” but I feel like I'm stuck, like I spent so much time trying to construct a functional life that I don't actually know what to feel or do now that I have it. Coincidentally I started having sleeping problems when I moved into my house in May, which I envisioned as the last step in constructing the life I wanted. (I know life is an ongoing process but I kind of have problems with being present in the moment I guess.) I suppose my subconscious brain's answer is to simply explode in suffering and anxiety. Or maybe it's just my thyroid and I'll find out when I get my blood work back on Tuesday. I doubt it, though. If you read all of my rambling up there, thank you. If you have anything to share please offer it. I feel alone and desperate and I'm losing hope that this has an end to it. All I want is to get some rest and get back to work, and enjoy my weekends.