Figure we need a proper joke thread

[Geminex]

Boy: I have two cookies.
Girl: I have no cookies.
Boy: Here, I give you one of my cookies.
Girl: Thank you. Now we both have the same amount of cookie.
Boy: Everyone should be nice to each other.

I don't get it. Where do the dead babies come in?

[Amake]

I think you need a new schtick.

There's just no pleasing you, is there?

How about this story from the last humor thread that I'm betting no one remembers:

Once upon a time there was a bus driver. He did his job fairly and well, and did not consider himself a timid man, until one day the monster came on his bus.

'Monster don't pay', it said, and walked right by the driver and sat down in the back of the bus.

The driver was more than speechless, he was paralyzed, drained of all thought. He failed to report the incident to his supervisors, but carried it in silence for almost a week, until it happened again.

Like before, the thing squeezed through the bus door and forcefully stepped past the driver, barely recognizing his existence with a dismissive look and again, the words, spoken like a wet rotting thing from under the earth, 'Monster don't pay.'

This went on for several months, during which the driver often switched shifts and drove different routes, but the creature almost seemed to follow him, taunting, mocking, delighting in the terror it gave and the power it held over the poor driver. All it ever said, like a mantra, was 'Monster don't pay.'

Eventually, the driver's resolve grew stronger. He said to his bus driver wife one night, 'I'm not going to let it beat me', and as he spoke he felt some steel deep inside the core of himself that he had not before been aware of. He took night classes, and as his shift changed he took day classes, in positive thinking, in conflict management, in assertiveness and confidence, in the arts of war and martial combat. He lifted weights and ran, and slowly his bus driver belly turned into muscles, and he began moving with a different poise, a different purpose in his step and a newfound gentleness in the swing of his shoulders, as if he was taking care not to break things as he touched them.

Eventually, the driver was ready. On a crisp spring morning like any other the monster came on his bus and said, with the same nonchalant cruelty as always, 'Monster don't pay.' But this time, the driver embraced the steel within him and spoke, with a loud and commanding voice.

'And why doesn't Monster pay for his ticket like everyone else?' he said.

'Monster has month card', it said.

Originally Posted by POS Industries

I was trying to nice about it, IQ.

Do not force me to do otherwise.

Sorry? I'm completely on board with the fact that we have an image now, I'm just wondering when it happened, since way back when I posted that joke the last time there was nothing wrong with it. Guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic about that and surprised that things have changed.

I can see how you could read my post as challenging the mods, if I was really really stupid, but that wasn't my intent.

[Fenris]

Originally Posted by Invisible Queen

There's just no pleasing you, is there?

Originally Posted by IQ

Sorry? I'm completely on board with the fact that we have an image now, I'm just wondering when it happened, since way back when I posted that joke the last time there was nothing wrong with it. Guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic about that and surprised that things have changed.

Originally Posted by FenrisWolf

this is like saying to your dad "Well you haven't told me recently that it's not okay to swipe cookies from the cookie jar and I've done it tons of times without you saying anything so why am I getting in trouble now?"

[Darth SS]

Originally Posted by FenrisWolf

In Soviet Russia, point miss you!

[POS Industries]

Originally Posted by Invisible Queen

Sorry? I'm completely on board with the fact that we have an image now, I'm just wondering when it happened,

When it became my job to worry about it.

since way back when I posted that joke the last time there was nothing wrong with it. Guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic about that and surprised that things have changed.

I can see how you could read my post as challenging the mods, if I was really really stupid, but that wasn't my intent.

Drop it. Now.

[Kim]

Glenn Beck

[Rejected Again]

Just going to go ahead and Underail this tread, k?

Apprently this was a test answer from an Arizona University Chem Student.Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following.

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

[DarkDrgon]

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? all of them. 1 to screw it in, the rest to say they could do it better

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? all of them, 1 to screw it in the rest to say that Neil Pert could do it better

You hear about the time the drummer locked his keys in the van? it took an hour to get the bassist out.

How do you tune 20 trumpets? throw 19 down the stairs.

how do you know a drummer is at the door? the knocks change timing.

[bluestarultor]

John and Mildred were getting on in years and were getting a bit forgetful, so they'd taken to writing things down. One day, it was hot, so Mildred asked John to get her some ice cream. He got up to go to the kitchen.

"You'd better write it down!" Mildred suggested.
"Oh, come on!" John replied. "How hard can it be to remember ice cream?"

So he went into the kitchen, and took a long time. Eventually, Mildred started to get worried. Finally, he came back out with a tray of milk, orange juice, scrambled eggs, and bacon.

"I told you to write it down!" Mildred chided. "Now look, you forgot the toast!"

[Mike McC]

[posts transcript of Bob Saget's rendition of The Aristocrats]

[pretends it's the most wholesome and inoffensive thing ever]