"So I'm Seeing A Psychiatrist" or "I'm Scared"

[Seil]

Therapy starting in 1 - 6 months. Going home for a week in April. Thinking that home would be most beneficial right now.

Thank you for your support.

[Seil]

Meeting in June with an addiction therapist re: drug an alcohol use.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of me - the fact that no matter where I am, I can't seem to shake off the lethargy, the lack of motivation to move and get things done.

I'm tired of wanting more and not being able to get off my ass. I'm tired of people telling me I can achieve my dreams if only I "think positively." I'm tired of needing medication to be a functioning person. I'm tired of being "so nice" and "so sweet" and "so good with" everybody.

I might seem wrapped up in myself, but it's because I am; I'm always thinking of how I look to other people. I want to be liked, and I want to be loved. It's why I try to be funny, or witty. I actively look up to fictional characters and envy them because they've got the life I'd like.

Mostly I'm just tired of me. I see the problems in my life and I see the solutions, I'm just... too tired to pursue them, if that makes any sense.

I'm so tired of living in an expensive city and being broke all the time, but if I took a few more shifts I could fix it - and the phone does ring sometimes. I'm tired of having no social life, but I actively push people away. I'm tired of health issues and excess weight, but I don't take care of myself - even though I'm spending $100 a month I usually don't have on gym memberships. I'm tired of spending almost all of my free time online, while I've got unread books on my shelf and a Netflix account.

I feel stuck and I don't know how to fix it.

Wherever I go, wherever I live, whoever I meet, I've always got the same problems and hang-ups. I can't turn off the thought that I would be more comfortable by myself, alone at home. I did more socializing in a one week trip home than I ever did while living at home.

So I drink, and I smoke pot, because at least I don't feel like me anymore. But that goes away, too, and it's expensive. The thing I'd like most is to connect with other people, but I don't let myself connect with other people. I don't know how. I'm constantly trying to come off as everything at once in order to appeal to as many people as possible because I'd desperately like to connect with someone, but I wear too many hats at once and wearing more than one hat in public looks absolutely ridiculous.

So I open up on Facebook because at least I can socialize. I can get "likes" without having to do much. I can make a pun as quick as George Takei, or be as talented as George Bernard Shaw or as political as George Washington from the comfort of my lonely room.

Most of my friends are getting married and having kids, which is a life I'd love - but because I don't socialize, I don't connect with anyone romantically. I think I'm actually regressing, losing the few skills I've got because I don't use them enough.

What I'd like most in the world is space, a home, a full stomach, and someone to lay in bed with on Sunday mornings. I'd like to see things and do things and learn things. I'd like to have a dollar to put in every person's cup when I walk by them and a smile for even the people I dislike. I'd like to be as cool as Fonzie, as tough as Schwarzenegger, as able as MacGuyver, as loving as Cassanova, as well traveled as Carmen Sandiego.

As it is, I feel kind of like Oscar the Grouch.

I don't want to disappoint anyone. I've got thin skin and I'm susceptible to criticism. I feel that by being masculine, big and strong, I can get by. That people will assume that I am strong. While I do need a certain amount of strength for work, I'm not participating in Strong Man competitions - I don't need to be huge... but I want to be because I think more people will like me, or think well of me.

I just want to get by with minimal fuss. I don't want to make waves, I just want to get by. I want to get everything done so I can go on my way without anyone commenting on me. The thing is that I get everything done and go back to my room so that I can sit on Facebook with several unread books and several unwatched movies on my shelves that I bought so that people will see them and think well of me. That I can talk about them with others. That I can be a part of the conversation or so that I can get the joke.

To quote George Carlin, "I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow."

[mauve]

Please don't give up, Seil.

Everything you posted there-- feeling hopeless, feeling too tired to fix anything, everything-- is something you should tell your therapist/psychiatrist, if you haven't already. Print it out and hand it to them if that's easier than saying it all out loud. And if they don't listen to you, give 'em the middle finger and find a new therapist/psychiatrist because you deserve to be heard and you deserve to get options and assistance.

Don't give up yet.

[shiney]

Agreed. Don't give up, Seil. I don't have any magic answers that can help combat depression I'm afraid, just my own experience has been that getting out and being active or going somewhere familiar and comforting has helped me in the past when I've struggled.

We're here for you, too. <3