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Unread 06-28-2009, 11:06 PM   #1
Toastburner B
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Default NPF Avatars VII: Mauve Buys Milk Act IV: Soy Milk is Beans!

"This is madness," Toastburner muttered. "What kind of place charges fifty bucks for two cups of soy milk? I mean...soy milk?"

All and in all, Otto's shop was definately not panning out. Small portions for for ridiculous prices were not what they were looking for when they left to go looking for food after a zombie apocalypse. Maybe it was weird to say, but Toasty had been looking forward to a good cheeseburger or something after dodging zombies for 18 months...tofuburgers with some kind of creamy stuff in place of cheese wasn't what he was looking for when he left the city.

And somehow the fact that the place was set up as come kind of Greco-Roman architecture was just weird...and totally made him crave Little Caesar's pizza.

"This whole place is just weird," Toast mumbled as he continued through the store, trying to find anything that looked edible and reasonably priced.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite being cornered by a strange sorceress, the store clerk seemed to be more than happy to share the history of the store with Arhra II.

"Otto's was erected a little more than a year ago, raised by the Generalissimo from the ground in honor of Otto Gomer, who helped the Generalissimo in his battles against the giants who used to terrorize this area. During the final battle Otto Gomer was crippled when he used his powers as the World Warlord of Fire to burn a giant's arm off, but was unfortunately where the arm happened to land. Because he was unable to continue his duties as a World Warlord, Generalissimo Globe used his powers to raise this very building, and gave Otto the first and only permit to sell food in the new GitP. Even now, more than a year after it opened, Otto's Organic Foods remains the premiere cuisine store for the population of GitP."

With the obviously well rehearsed speech over, the clerk smiled a cheerfully blank smile at Arhra II, waiting either another question or for her to get out of the way so the clerk could continue her duties.

--------------------------------------------------------

The explosion of the "cafe" and the resulting fight did not go unnoticed. Soon, a small column of armored vehicles, each with a ridiculously oversize solar array mounted on the roof, rolled up the dirt road. The owner of the cafe, who was just now digging his way clear of the debris of his business, ran over to the vehicles as a contingent of armed men exited the vehicles.

"My shop just exploded!" the owner said, "I don't know what happened! One minute, I was trying to warm up some coffee, and the next moment, boom!"

"Sir," one of the troopers said, "You realize that you're burning wood, correct?"

"No! My shop exploded! I had nothing to do with it!"

"It says here in my notes that you have already exceeded your carbon footprint for this month, and that you have already received a warning for this. Tell me, if we search this wreckage, are we bound to find any meat?"

The man looked around vainly for help, nearly in panic from where the conversation was going. "Well, there might me some of my customers in there...and my dog Fr-" the man cut himself short and covered his hands in the mouth.

"So...not only are you burning a fire without a permit, exceeded your monthly carbon footprint, and now you have illegally killed an animal?"

"No-but-no-no-but-"

"In the name of the Generalissimo, praise his name, and given that you have broken the laws that the Great One has laid down, I pronounce the judgment of the Generalissimo, which is death."

Given the turn of events in his ever shortening life, the cafe owner did what any sane man would do: He threw his arms up in the air, screamed at the top of his lungs, and ran screaming for his life.

----------------------------------------------------------

Inside of the Otto's, the NPFers heard the desperate scream of the cafe owner...or, at least, Toasty did.

"Dang it," Toastburner said, looking around and doing a quick headcount. "Who's out there terrifying the local populace?"

Expecting to see any number of his compatriots out there causing havoc, Toastburner stormed up to the front door and peeked out, and was surprised to see it was the local populace terrorizing itself. The armed troopers were calming lining up into a firing line as the cafe owner ran for it. Toastburner looked back and forth between the two, and groaned. "You know, I spent all my time in that last place complaining about how you guys were picking on the populace." he said to no one in particular. "So, it is with full knowledge that I am being a hypocrite, that I say: Will you excuse me? I have to go meddle."

Toastburner sauntered out the door, and over to the firing line as the officer raised what appeared to be a sharpened wooden sword, waving it around as his men raised their weapons, what looked to be rifles made out of an odd mixture of wood and stone, and aimed at the fleeing man. "Hey, chief," Toasty asked the officer, "What's going on?"

"We are preparing to deliver the Generalissimo's justice to this ungreen heathen. He claimed no responsibility when his property caught fire, thus increasing his carbon footprint beyond his monthly limit, as well as illegally killing animals with his property."

Toasty paused, processing what the man just said. "So, basically, you're going to gun this guy down in the back because his building exploded...something which he probably didn't do anyway...but it messed up the local environment a little bit, so it's time to gun the man down?"

"According to the exceedingly just laws of the Generalissimo...yes."

"...You're a little obsessed with this Generalissimo dude, aren't ya?"

The officer turned on TB. "How dare you speak of the Generalissimo in such terms!"

Toastburner shrugged. "Well...I didn't hear about the man until today..."

The officer looked aghast. "And outsider barbarian! Heathen! You come here to meddle in our affairs?!"

"Actually, I just came to buy some fo-"

The explanation seemed to fall on death ears, as the officer turned his firing line around. "This polluting barbarian has come to try to dethrone our beloved Generalissimo! Strike him down in His name!"

"I just came for some food!" Toastburner tried to protest, however, it was drowned out in a cascade of weapons fire, and Toasty was hit with enough fire, rock, and lightning to reduce Toasty to fine paste.
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Unread 06-29-2009, 12:47 AM   #2
Intern Nin
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Nin simply stared at the set of too-large-for-cat-his-size chompers Pyros decided to bare. Judging from the yawn he issued, he didn't seem too impressed. Then Nin bared his own teeth, which weren't really teeth so much as they were large protrusions of his beak that acted as teeth which, as it also happened, were much bigger than the cat's pearly whites.

"Still want to get into bite-fight with me, Freddie Fuzzypaws? I didn't think so."

Just then, the desperate scream of a man running for his life cut through the air.

"Ah shoot, never fails does it? Always when I'm busy doing something else..." Nin sighed and then gently set the maybe god-beast onto a display of Granola O's. "Welpsies, I have to go now. We'll finish this discussion when the crisis at hand is... no longer at hand or something. Okay, furball? Until then, please put a rain check on painting things and doing-"

"-things like that. Remember, you're supposed to be on vacation. That's right, I read your posts."

Now, due to the absence of Inbred, Thad, Prem's Ninja army, and the shinobi persona from Dallas, Nin was now the only ninja in the county making him-

"Death on two legs with no shirt and a smoky, smart-alecky voice. Just the way things should be."

He took off with lightning speed, despite nearly succumbing to exhuastion after the hike earlier. Really, what the hell? Stay consistant dammit! Anyways, he ran real fast like a ninja should and stopped right in the screaming cafe owner's path, with his arms folded in an attempt to look cool.

"Hi there!"

"Ahhhh!" The man stopped, screamed, and fell over on his ass. It was hilarious!

"Now, would you mind telling me why you've decided to suddenly start screaming at the top of your lungs and thus interrupt my very important bout of civil discourse with the cat?"

The man frantically scrambled off of the ground, got behind the turtle outlander, and nervously pointed to the brigade of Eco-Nazis. "M-m-m-my cafe b-blew up a-a-and the wood s-s-started burning a-a-a-a-and n-now THEY"RE GOING TO EXECUTE ME!"

"You mean those guys? With the solar powered assault vehicles and the wooden guns?" Nin said in very flippant manner.

Then Toastburner was killed with rocks, fire, and lightning right in front of him.

"Holy bleeding Bs, these sprout growers are packing real heat!"

"Told you."
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Last edited by Intern Nin; 06-29-2009 at 12:49 AM.
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Unread 06-29-2009, 01:05 AM   #3
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Pyros watched Toasty's death in anticipation. Would it be....or was ScarKitty permanently removed from the line up?

He did this of course, while gnawing on Nin's hand ferociously, a tactic Pyros found distasteful, as Nin had all the flavor of raw cabbage covered in week old pickle juice.

Eww!

But then Pyros was NINJA'ed by Nin, and forced to think up a new post.
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Unread 06-29-2009, 10:39 AM   #4
Arhra
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Militant environmentalists had arrived to ruin everyone's day, answering Toastburner's feeble protestations of innocence with enough firepower to turn him into a fine, greasy mist. Smoke billowed dramatically, a dark shape becoming visible at ground zero.

The leafblower musha was still standing.

This was highly irregular.

"You must wait for the smoke to clear before declaring someone dead." Arhra I reprimanded everyone mildly. She also became visible, standing just behind and to the side of TB, one hand on his shoulder. The faint golden haze that clung to her had intensified, covering TB as well, particularly bright at where her hand clasped onto him.

"I vowed to protect TB from the monsters and the police," the healer robe clad chaos being said proudly, certain these goons counted as one or the other, "and so he shall not suffer the rocks and missiles of outrageous danger! This is my ultimate shield, the light of my soul where none may trespass!"

"Except you." she added coyly, voice pitched low so only TB would hear.

* * *

Arhra II got the answers she was looking for. It was clearly a crazy hippie cult!

Further enquiries were cut off by the nearby explosions and gunfire. Clearly no force on earth could coax the clerk out from her hidden place beneath the reassuring stone bulk of the counter.

Expression stormy, the sorceress swept outside to find what new mischief had happened and nearly got gunned down.

Three fire-wrapped stone bullets exploded on something invisible a few feet in front of her, leaving three patterns spidery cracks radiating from the point of impact in the air that oozed something dark and unpleasant as they slowly faded.

Ducking into the cover of one of the bizarrely Greco-Roman pillars lining the facade, she was successful in getitng out of the lining of fire before her ward failed completely and very angry. Cupping her palms in front of her, eyes narrowed into a predatory glare and chaotic mana gathered into her hands.

She was planning unpleasantness.

* * *

Arhra III had decided on her witty reply. "Well, your face is ill suited to my fist." she said. Psychic Mac had dodged her half hearted attack, but she didn't really care very much. She had found a line. That was the important part.

"I should have guessed you would attempt that sort of thing. You appear to be an uncouth thug," Psychic Mac sent back telepathically. He twitched his hand and a large piece of plywood flew up and swung at Arhra III's head.

The succubus swatted it aside like an annoying fly.

"Plywood?" Arhra III asked dubiously. "We're surrounded by large, heavy rocks and you pick up a flimsy sheet of glued together shitty wood. Dumbass."

Her plan to return fire with more than harsh words was interrupted by an APC full of eco-police. They were very suspicious about two strangers being in the vicinity of a gigantic carbon footprint, an illegal fire, the black market meat trade and only the Generalissimo knew what other crimes against the planet. The squad leader had some pointed questions for them.

It was a situation that would require tact and careful handling to avoid a confrontation.

Arhra punched him in the face.

The defender of nature next to him started to raise his gun but was cut off by the fated intersection of Arhra's foot and his temple. Completing the roundhouse kick with a flourish, she ploughed into the squad, getting into their midst to prevent being filled with rock bullets.

She seemed to be enjoying herself.
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Unread 06-29-2009, 11:00 AM   #5
Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope
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"I would have rathered implant your mind with the image of 1000 faceless cosmic horrors," Psychic Mac telepathically said. "But I don't feel like causing you to go insane." He turned his attention to the Eco Defenders. "Now you guys on the other hand..."

The psychic raised his arms skyward and several rocks and steel beams became clumped together and formed two large fists. "I am going to hate myself for quoting one of my brothers," Psychic Mac thought to himself. "Okay you mentally deficient thugs, in the words of Brawler, I'mma goin' Fist City* on you," Psychic Mac telepathically shouted to all those around him. He swung his giant stone hands and began hitting his enemies.

**/\**

Mean while, Scholar Mac was standing beside Toastburner when he heard the call. "Did anyone else here that?" he asked.

*I am actually quoting Atomic Robo here.
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Unread 06-29-2009, 06:46 PM   #6
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A cloud of dust and a powerful gust of wind swept over the battlefield as a cloaked form spun into view. As the hemp cape finally stopped whirling, a mass of gnarled cury hair could be seen stikcing out of the top of it.

It raised a tattoed hand and slammed a barefoot down on the ground, causing a tremor to knock the soldiers on their respective asses. It spoke out in a dramatic voice asit pointed it's finger to the sky.

"BEHOLD! I AM THE SPIRIT OF NATURE! I HAVE COME TO SPEAK WITH HE WHO WEILDS MY POWERS, THESE PEOPLE ARE MY CONCUBINES AND SERVANTS! STEP ASIDE! YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF SOMEONE FAR GREATER THAN YOURSELVES"

He waved his arm along the ground, igniting the grass and scorching it into a spiral patter around his feet, the flames flashed one final time before dying out, leaving a wall of smoke between the soldiers and the NPF'ers
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Unread 07-01-2009, 11:18 PM   #7
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SSB crashed through a window and fell into the battle outside. He looked around and smirked.

"Hey, what's up?" he said, faking a Brooklyn accent. "You ain't the same bunch of good-looking mooks I followed into here! I thought we were going to a barbeque."

One of the troopers shot a finger at him. "Kill the heathen!" He shouted. The eco forces surrounded him.

He held up his hand. "Hey Pal! I'll have you know, I used to live in the dumpster behind Denny's. I've thrown ten hobos twice your size... all at once!

As they loomed closer, he rolled his neck. "Or should I say "we"?" His knuckles cracked. "Ah heck I can't take all the credit...." He brought his hands into his hood and clasped them over his face.

There was a pop. "Allow me to introduce you to the boys," he pulled out his hands, revealing two shiny, white orbs. "They've been dying to see ya."

"Ugh!"
"EW"

Using their astonishment, SSB filled the air with deadly lazers. The guards snapped back into their religious fervor and swerve through the blasts toward the blue-hooded Intern. He ducked to left and kept the pressure on them.

"Hey Prem!!" he bellowed over the din. "I don't think that'll work! The only one they listen to to is their big cheese: General Lisa-Moe."
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Unread 07-02-2009, 12:33 AM   #8
Intern Nin
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"'Concubines and Servants'? And I thought Thad was the deluded one of our little play-group. Whatev's, that smokescreen is just the thing I need though. Listen cafe dude, now might be a good for you to start running for the border. I'm about to join in this fight and I have trouble holding back, so I can't guarantee your safety if you stay-"

Nin turned around and saw that there was no one behind him. The guy had apparently taken off.

Huh. Well, that's one less innocent to worry about. Now then, time to pull out all the stops.

The carapaced crusader took a deep inhale through his nostrils and then took off running towards the shroud of smoke between the Eco-rangers and most of the NPFers. He stopped just short of it and jumped straight in. And for a few seconds nothing happened. Well, that's not true. Lots of things were happening on the battlefield with the other people involved it's just that nothing seems to be going on with Nin and his smoke div- Oh hey, would you look at that the uh, wow. I guess the only way to describe this would be that a large portion of the smokescreen simply fell off like a stone from a wall. The chunk of smoke fell onto an area with a high concentration of GITP task force, completely enveloping the troops in the vapor.

Almost immediately, there came screams and sounds of gunshots and blows landing from inside of the smokescreen. Suddenly, one of the eco-extremists came flying out of shroud, face bloody and bruised and his armor broken into splinters. A few more came flying out until the noises started dying down and finally stopped. Then the smoke began to clear, revealing the ground to be littered with beaten but still breathing GITP EG members. Standing amongst the fallen, smoking one of his favorite Zebra brand cigarettes, was a single green being who had somehow changed his outfit. Nin was once again wearing his trademark fedora and trenchcoat, although this time he was also wearing a matching tan suit with a green tie. No shoes though. Weird.

"So, are the rest of you girl scouts gonna put up as good a fight as these guys?" Nin addressed to the nearby conscious eco-rangers, who where now staring at him. "Cuz if so, let me say, I'm never going to get enough exercise to burn off the calories of that Pad-thai and tuna melt I had early. C'mon, step it up a notch. And on another topic, what do you guys think of the new threads? Does this work for me?"

"The turtle is a filthy smoker! He is a defiler! A polluter! He shall die for poisoning Mother Earth!"

"Geez, this is like eating at TGIF Fridays all over again."

"For the glory of the Generalisimo!" And with that, they opened fire on Nin.

"Uh-oh, super back-flip away!"

Nin did just as he declared, back-flipping away from the hail of flaming rocks.

Well, this is a fine kettle of fish. At least their aim is about as good as the guys in Avarial or else I'd be real trouble. Thank god for stormtrooper marksmanship. Now, what to do next? Ooh, is that rock thing over there a tank?
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Unread 07-06-2009, 04:48 PM   #9
Toastburner B
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Needless to say, Toastburner was rather surprised to be alive, and was somewhat less surprised to see it was Arhra that saved him. Out of all the avvies, Arhra was one of the few who did not partake in the team-killing aspect that Toastburner's pseudo-immortality brought about, and had even saved his life on a number of occassions...such as now.

"Thanks, Arhra, I appreciate it." Toastburner said to Arhra I. He looked up. The other NPFers had started to mess around with the GitPians, but a fair number of the troopers and APCs still had a bead drawn on the leafblower musha and the healer. Unfortunately for them, I'm still in a useful form, Toastburner thought.

With a thought, Toastburner shifted the elemental gem in his gauntlet, causing his weapon to change to a rather large hammer, which he proceeded to tap the ground with. A few feet in front of him and Arhra I a large wall of stone erupted from the ground, just in time to start to catch the next round of fire from the Environmental Guard.

"Rocks and fire, eh? Well, I can do that to!" Toastburner vainly taunted (he was behind a wall and was drowned out by explosions and such. You have to give him a break...Toasty's not used to being on the offensive). He shifted elements again, turning the warhammer into a fire-cover broadsword, and was about to launch into the next phase of his attack when Mac spoke. Surprised the seemingly sudden appearance of the scholar, Toastburner couldn't help to turn around and make sure he wasn't just hearing things.

"Mac?! What the heck are you doing out here? You complain about having to go shopping and about how shooting hurts your wrist, but you follow me when I got to face down an army? I thought scholars were supposed to be able to think things like this through?"

Before Mac had a chance to answer, Toastburner noticed that his rock-wall was starting to show signs of breaking. "'Cuse me," Toast said to Mac, and ran towards the wall. Raising his broadsword, causing as much fire as he could to erupt from the weapon, Toast struck the weakened wall. The force of his swing was enough to break the wall and to wrap the spray of debris in flame from the sword, showering the nearby the Guardsmen in flaming rocks. Not quiet as effective as the gun-fired flaming rocks, but effective enough.

In the meantime, whatever Prem's plan was for his distraction, all it did was rev the GitPians into a near-berserker rage as someone would dare attempt to match the glory the Generalissimo. Still, the officers in their ranks managed to keep control of their men long enough to make sure that the APCs advanced into the smoke cloud first, with the Guardsmen in support. All of them were spraying blindly into the smoke at any rate, so while the fire wasn't aimed, sheer volume made up for it.
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Unread 07-08-2009, 12:53 AM   #10
Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope
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"I am smart," Scholar cursed to Toast under his breath. "I'm smart enough to know I need you as a meat shield in order to try and calm these eco freaks down." Scholar cursed to himself and went looking for someone else. Squinting through his glasses, he saw one of the Arhra's. "Hmm...I wonder if..." the young man thought as he formulated an idea in his head.

Going over to her, Scholar spoke up, his voice brimming with confidence. "Arhra, I need your help. I want to stem the tide of this battle and I need you!" he announced proudly.

**/\**

Meanwhile, Psychic Mac was bruised and bloody. "Well this is just Prime," he cursed, his silver eyes erupting with harmless energy. Seperating the fists into it's individual rock shards, he had them orbit around like a Galaxy filled with planets. "I have had enough," he cursed loudly, filling their heads with his voice, causing some of them to fall over. Raising himself higher off the ground, Psychic prepared his next move. Waving his hand, he threw the orbiting shrapnel at his foes.

Turning smugly to Arhra III, Psychic Mac spoke into her mind. "That is how you do it."
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