How the NPF Saved Christmas: 'Twas the Fight before Christmas...

[Truce]

"You know, Pyros...can't you just make overpriced French cat food fall from the sky? Considering you're a deity? Or at least have a pair of sunglasses that make you blind to sexification?"

[Raiden]

"We used to be able to do stuff like that, Ecurt."

Raiden was leaning back in a thundercloud he had formed into a chair. He was still watching the repeating scene of Krylo's hilarious entry.

"We deities used to be able to create anything we wanted out of thin air. It was a good racket too. Until Bacchus fucked it all up. I told the council that it wasn't a smart idea to allow the Greek god of Wine and Parties to have that gift to begin with, but did they listen to me? No. Of course, I had recently destroyed a whole fleet of the Mongol hoard near Japan, so not many were going to listen to what I had to say."

He pressed a small button on the cloud, and the screen paused.

"Well, the downside of being in a union is, when one drunkard fucks up, the rest of us have to be brought down. So instead of simply taking away the man's power, the Council President decided to introduce science. Physics can bite my ass. Basically, matter could no longer be created or destroyed. Which meant that we had to actually earn money, and I could no longer simply smite my enemies through vaporization."

[The Wizard Who Did It]

Listening to Raiden's story, The Wizard Who Did It has confusion etched on his face.

"Hold on. You say that you can't create matter out of nothing? I know a lot of mages that can do that. Hell...," *bursts water out of his hand*, "I don't see H2O anywhere near here to...," *looks down at the ice*,"Well it isn't like I summoned the water to my hand, so how can mages still make something from nothing, if the 'gods' can't?"

[PyrosNine]

"Nah, you're merely taking water from the air. As the accursed laws of "Science" state, matter cannot be created or destroyed, only changed or moved. Even summoning follows that law, causing me to have to travel across the globe in tiny particles whenever some loser wants burning vengeance upon his enemies." Pyros stated as he check for a pair of sunglasses that were Krylo's size, and were the most expensive.

"Heck, I used to have a castle I'd poof up wherever I needed to stay, and now it's perpetually stuck between dimensions and whatnot. I especially mourn my harem. May the lord have mercy upon those poor whores souls..." Pyros shook his head in pity.

"Oh well, there are plenty of cults out there for me to milk from them their monies anyway. And no, there is no way to block the sexification, unless you think of a naked Robin Williams eating fried chicken while running around a baseball field. And even that won't work against Krylo AND Cheshire. Fortunately, I'm a cat currently. So I'm immune. Maybe."

[phil_]

"Bah, I say," grunted Phil. "ATCHOO!" sneezed Phil. His nose was always the first thing to get cold, and whenever his nose got cold, he'd start sneezing. Sounding slightly annoyed (because runny noses are annoying), Phil grumbled, "We can argue the mechanics of magic later. Right now, I want to know what's going to keep me and the other few mortals here from freezing to death." He paused, as if waiting for an answer, then said, "Actually, I'll just do something about that."

Phil walked a few meters from the group, then raised his hands in the air.

"●Summon: Inappropriate Comedy Tree!"

A strange, short elm tree with a grinning face appeared in front of him and said, "A woman's place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen! Get it?!" Phil sneezed again, then pointed at its base and said "●Fire." Small flames burst to life at its exposed roots, then caught and started climbing its trunk. Before it could finish saying "I heart New York, and I club prostitutes and dump their bodies in dumpsters," its mouth was consumed and it was forever silenced.

Phil stretched out in front of his bonfire and waited for TB to answer the more important questions. He also watched RMB and Mammoth fight a few devil dogs that had gotten caught with them, as RMB's heavenly magic was always a cool lightshow and everybody likes tanks.

[_mike]

"Yay! A fire that isn't being used as a weapon!" Mike exclaimed as Phil burned the inappropriate comedy tree. "A cape only does so much for the cold."

After a second of standing next to the fire, Mike realized that he had nearly killed everyone with his last spell. Trying to keep his composure, he turned to Phil.

"Man, you could have killed us all! What were you thinking summoning me!? I mean, can't you smell my breath!? Of course I'm gonna cast a stupid spell, and Krylo's burnination is all your fault!"

[Toastburner B]

"As for what kind of demons they are...I'm no expert. The most I can give you is the 'large and scary' kind. I didn't really have much of a chance to catalog the varies species, and cross-reference as to what type...I was rather busy running for my life." Toastburner said, answering GAURD's question.

Then he watched the arrival of Krylo...and the...er...'festivites" that followed. TB could of sworn he heard the gasp of distant NNN agents at Krylo's verbal tirade against existence in general.

Finally, someone...that someone being CT, got back to the chase.

"As far as I know, Santa is still alive. In fact, oddly enough, most of the people living in the castle are still alive. As far as I could tell, the only thing the demons were trying to kill was me. Why? Heck if I know."

"Santa is still at his complex, which is made out of three buildings: the Castle, the Workshop, and the Stables. Santa was in the Castle when the attack happened, so I assume he's still there. The elves were scattered...about half in the workshop finishing off the orders, a quater in the stables getting the sleigh and reindeer ready, and a quater in the castle."

While he talked, Toast drew a basic diagram in the snow. TB was never much of an artist in the first place, and drawing with a cat claw made that even worst, but it was good enough to get the idea.

"However, before we even worry about that, we have to get over the walls." TB said, drawing a box around the diagram. "The walls were originally built to be the focus point for the spell that hid the complex. The illusion of a mountain of ice was projected from the walls, and covered the whole complex. However, the demons seem to be less than concerned about being found, and now the illusion is gone. However, the walls remain. Each wall is very high...about 50ft, and made out of solid stone. On top of the stone, centuries of ice and snow have collected on them, making them hard as diamond. Undoubtedly, demons now patrol the walls...and the devil dogs that got away will undoubtly let them know a rescue force is coming."

Toastburner turned. "Basically, about two miles that way, we have to get over a giant stone wall which is covered in diamond hard ice, which is patrolled by demons." Toast smiled and looked back at the group. "Nothing we can't handle, eh?"

[Truce]

Ecurt nodded. "It's almost too easy, if you ask me. Most of us can get past the walls, and those that can't can be helped by those of us that can.

"The only problem I see is...how much of the castle do we want to keep intact?"

[mammothtank]

"Hmm... How important is it that these walls remain intact? If we can't think of a better way, I could probably knock down part of the wall with my tank. Of course, I'm only offering that as a last resort, but we shouldn't be afraid to go with it if we start running low on time."

[CheshireThief]

CheshireThief grinned. Moving to the center of the group, he brandished the Legendary Plot Device.

"You guys are going about this all wrong. How about if we just hope there's an unlocked door that happens to not be guarded? I mean, stranger things have happened..."

As CheshireThief said that statement, the Plot Device began quietly whirring. The flaming comedy tree blazed a little bit higher, and a thousand chickens fell into the blaze. Somehow, they managed to land on a grating. The smell of cooked chicken surrounded the camp.

"Hmm. Dinner!"

CheshireThief grabbed a chicken and very delicately shoved it in his mouth. He quickly spit it out and waved his hands in front of his face.

"HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!"

Quickly thinking, he grabbed a fistful of snow and shoved it in his mouth.