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Unread 04-23-2009, 02:18 PM   #1
Axoren
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Default It all makes sense now... (Heinz Ketchup Conspiracy)

Heinz Ketchup is trying to get someone working on the inside of the White House so that they can take over the world's Ketchup supply.

My proof? John Kerry married Mrs. Heinz when Mr. Heinz died. John Kerry ran for presidency. Heinz ketchup started using a new type of vinegar in their recipe in 2005. It had a pH 0.06 greater than the previously used vinegar, possibly a mind control agent, I haven't touched ketchup since I noticed the difference. In grocery stores across the US, the ketchup section has increased in size and bottles have increased in volume and many are "Easy Squeeze" so that less Ketchup is wasted due to post-squirt dripping. Why would a company do this? They're selling less Ketchup this way. It's almost like they want every single drop of it inside of you.

In 2006 and various times between now and then, they came out with colored ketchup. No doubt a way to conceal the stronger mind control agent that would not lose it's color. Studies showed that these colored ketchup contained Serotonin, and a lot of it. It's a neurotransmitter that increases mood. This is most likely to get you addicted to the stuff so you ate more of it. For some reason they were forced to stop selling this new brand, but the truth was never revealed to the public. They may plan on selling this ketchup again the next time John Kerry runs for president. If they do, you already know what's going on.

In 2008, John Kerry backed off of the presidency. Possibly because he thought we were onto him. He began selling larger quantities of Ketchup in Texas, California, Florida, and Tennessee. He's obviously using a weaker mind control agent in the "normal" ketchup to attempt to liberalize the red states to get fellow blues into the White House. His plan backfired and then recoiled in a way he didn't predict. The liberalizing agent didn't affect republicans the way he wanted, however, it did cause liberals to become super liberals. They began finding things wrong with the McCain-Palin candidacy that not even they could keep up and cover up. It was astounding. The republicans were, however, demoralized by the ketchup's effects. They found various things they could use against Obama, but they were unable to keep up with the flow of cons found on their side. Not to mention McCain-Palin was essentially committing political suicide with many of the things they approved of. One of which was eating freshly hunted animals WITH KETCHUP!

This outraged PETA, who were against hunting, cooking, and eating animals, but by dressing animals in ketchup? McCain-Palin crossed the line. Heinz Ketchup had successfully liberalized the United States.

In 2012, the world is going to end, or so they say. They speak the truth, but for the wrong reasons. Mayans had nothing to do with it. John Kerry will run for Presidency, Ketchup will be ingested, and a nuclear war will ensue. The nuclear explosion will damage 60% of the Earth's surface area, in turn damaging the hadron collider. This will cause a black hole (the precautions preventing them was destroyed in the initial blast). The world will be inhaled by the black hole and the solar system will soon follow. However, they will stop on the way to get some fries... WITH KETCHUP!

Read this whole thing or you lose the game...

Last edited by Axoren; 04-23-2009 at 02:20 PM.
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Unread 04-23-2009, 02:37 PM   #2
Professor Smarmiarty
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We've had mind controlling water flouridation for 50 years. Why would you need to put it in ketchup?
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Unread 04-23-2009, 02:39 PM   #3
Magic_Marker
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Man, I hope, nay I pray to the dark gods mentioned in the dread Necronomicon that you are being serious.
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Unread 04-23-2009, 04:19 PM   #4
george144
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My god. my mind has truly been opened to the wonders of the world.
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Unread 04-23-2009, 08:09 PM   #5
PhoenixFlame
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Agh, I lost the game! Why did you make me lose the game!?

This is unfair, I call shenanigans.
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Unread 04-24-2009, 01:50 AM   #6
Viridis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smarty McBarrelpants View Post
We've had mind controlling water fluoridation for 50 years. Why would you need to put it in ketchup?
The fluoride doesn't control your mind. It just renders teeth detectable to spy satellites.
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Unread 04-24-2009, 02:31 AM   #7
POS Industries
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POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them. POS Industries will strap all reputation givers to balloons and kidnap them.
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Unread 04-24-2009, 11:38 AM   #8
Marelo
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You fool!

You'll ruin everything we've worked for!
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