To Our Valued Customers

[Seil]

I accepted the job at the local convenience store because I needed a bit of cash to pay some bills and pay for my expensive whiskey addiction. I had no idea that I'd be treated with serving you, the general public. Just a few points I'd like to touch on:

I need you to read. There is a small deli attached to our store, but it's closed some of the time while the rest of the store is open. Yes, the door to the deli is open, but that's only because it's like a hojillion degrees outside and we need air circulation inside the store. You might have noticed the deli hours posted on the door. Or realize that the lights are off, the open sign turned off, all the sandwich boards pulled in and stacked against the wall. Or that there's no food on display. Any number of things that standing there, dinging the bell is not going to change. And when no one comes out of the deli, please don't take this opportunity to ask if the deli is open, because I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

On that note, slushies. It distinctly says on the machine to buy the cups first, then get your slushie. It's not an invatation to use the small, styrofoam coffee cups that are located next to the coffee machine - and when you get your cups, please don't sample the slushie mixes. There are other people waiting to use the machine, we know you're grabbing half a cup and drinking it there, just don't do it.

Prices; I don't know how much the store down the way sells this. I don't have any control over pricing things. I'm not in charge, I just work here. So yelling at me about how much we charge for a bottle of pop or that you can get it for a dollar less somewhere else, or that it used to be cheaper when you were a kid forty years ago, I reallly can't do anything about it, so please stop yelling.

We all love candy, sugary sweet stuff that it is. Though please don't grab it. That's why we have tongs there. Yes, the tongs are a pain in the ass and yes, we just want to grab some and go, but if you stick your hands in there you're dirtying the candy for everyone else. And it's gross. You're getting better about this, but I stil have to tell people to use the tongs before they stick their hand in there. So stop it.

Lottery players, it's great that you've found something you can devote several hours to a day and spend over a hundred dollars with no return. But please know what you want, and for the love of Christ, check your tickets. We have a special machine for that, where you can check your tickets. Bringing in a stack of things that you've been collecting for years not only holds up the line and makes others angry, half of your tickets aren't winners and the rest have expired.

On that note, smokers - know what you want. If you come in saying that you or your friend smokes smokes that come in a browny-orangey-yellow pack, then we're going to have to go across the wall and find it.

I understand that you all have a sense of humor. Well, most of you do. But if possible, could you refrain from making jokes? If the scanner isn't working and I'm having trouble pricing your item for you, the best thing you can do is not say something like "Well, I guess that means it's free." The frquency of that being repeated on long days and the smugness of the person saying it is grounds for your slushy being dumped over top of you. Just stand by while we try to get our machines working.

There's a few other personal peeves of mine, but for now, I'll leave you with that. So if you could work on that, then we can get along so much better and the process will go so much more smoothly.

[Nique]

Yeah people have this weird idea like employees have any control at all.

Like, check it: There's a local game store I go to and I ALWAYS buy games from them and I feel obliged to give them almost any of my gaming related business. You know why? I'm in there all the time and they always cut listed prices for me without me asking and they always talk to me and just act all-around cool whether I'm buying something or not (although I usually am)

But I mean, I don't expect that and I especially don't expect it from any other place and if a policy from some big corporate conglomerate disagrees with me I don't have any illusions that complaining to Seil is going to accomplish anything except make him hate his life.

[Terex4]

Grocery and retail employees are one small step above fast food employees, and about two steps above hobos in the eyes of the general public.

Nothing solves your self esteem problems like finding someone you can feel superior to (note: if you don't know the customer is a cashier, the customer is better than you) and acting on that feeling.

Whoever invented the phrase "the customer is always right" either never had to interact with the customer, or feeds off bitching. As far as the pricing goes, blame the big chains with price match policies (oh boy do I have stories about that shit!)

[Menarker]

Customer: "What you mean I can't smoke inside the store? I just bought the damn thing here and I'm a regular customer!"
Cashier: "That is true. But we also sell condoms here. You understand what I'm saying?"

[Viridis]

I don't know if a link to Not Always Right (http://notalwaysright.com/) would be cathartic or rage-inducing for you, Seil.

[Fifthfiend]

I don't know if a link to Not Always Right (http://ouch) would be cathartic or rage-inducing for you, Seil.

:raise: Man you only link that at a guy after he's been in those retail trenches; this is like showing a guy what death by land mine looks like right before he parachutes into the war zone.

[Terex4]

That list both amuses me greatly yet depresses me at the same time. My faith in humanity can be compared to the fate of Aldaraan at this point.

[Azisien]

My top retail pet peeves after almost 2 years in a game store:

No Sir, that game disc IS scratched
Seriously, holy shit. I have repaired and resurfaced more DVDs than you've ever seen in your life. I know how to look at a disc and assess it's damage level.

Know at least Vaguely what you want
I cannot count the number of inane requests I get. This is the Information Age, you should be able to have some rudimentary knowledge about what you want, or what you want to buy for your kids. Instead, I get this:
"Can I get a copy of that Mario game?"
"I need that game that plays on the TV."
"You know that game where you're this guy with a sword looking for vengeance or something?"

Though nerds, we are not the masters of the universe
Sometimes I just don't know the answer to a question. Contrary to popular belief, I haven't played every game EVER made, EVER. But the odd customer will still reply with a "What? You don't KNOW? But you work in a game store!"

Can I see this game? What's the price? With tax? Ad nauseum.
My most hated customer will repeat the bolded part over, and over, and over, for like a tenth of the games in the store. On top of that, he'll mutter and curse to himself, and not believe me when I say there's a game we don't have. Literally like "No we have NONE." "Really? None used?" "No." "None new?" "No." "Really?" In my head: "Are you trolling motherfucker?"

WHAT?! I don't get 95% of what I paid back for my 6-year old console and games?!
God damn it! I paid $400 for this xbox! I should get $300 back! Arrrrgh! You guys are such rip offs! Come on man, only 25 cents for Madden 05? I paid $40 for that!!!

That's all I can think of for now.

[synkr0nized]

Whenever I read stories about retail employees in these dumb situations, I'd love to go to where they work and behave like a proper customer who's not an idiot/ass/retard and maybe give them hope in customers.

[Fifthfiend]

Whenever I read stories about retail employees in these dumb situations, I'd love to go to where they work and behave like a proper customer who's not an idiot/ass/retard and maybe give them hope in customers.

I'd like to go to their workplaces and go up to them and look them in the eye and then look down at their nametag and sort of squint at it and then real slowly look back up and then go "So hey there..." and then look back down at their nametag just to make sure and theeeeeeeen look back up "...Steve"

And then turn around and leave.

[Terex4]

My favorite retail story comes from one of my favorite retail workers I've ever had the pleasure of working with. This woman could stab a customer and not get fired (she's the only one in the store who knows the Store Manager's employee ID including the Manager as people in the store).

Wal Mart has the ad match policy where you bring in an ad from a local competitor and Wal Mart will adjust the price but the item has to be completely identical to what's advertised.

Woman comes in with a black and white ad with a picture of a ham that has been cut and pasted from a color ad in and brings it to my co worker. Now as soon as she sees it, my co worker is pissed because she knows this customer walked up and down the registers looking for the dumbest cashier she could find and chose her.

Her response? She starts looking all over herself. Behind her nametag, under her shoes, behind her back. The customer asks what she's doing to which my co worker replies "I'm trying to find out where it says stupid on me!"

[Thadius]

There is just something about the fact that you can be rude to the employees and they have to try to answer your questions that brings out the ugly/stupid/greedy natures of people. Which is why I've taken to being the nicest customer anyone ever did meet in a store, not asking stupid questions, accepting the fact that I may not get it my way, so on and so forth. Mainly because I know that employees are not all-powerful, cannot bend space and time to my whims, nor can they read my mind.

[Living Bobbeh]

I work in a library and we hand out free, orange recycling bags. They're in this blue basket and anyone is free to take one. However, people do not take just one. They walk off with about four or five rolls which, as a result, means we're often run out of them.
So we put a giant sign over the basket: "OUT OF STOCK". You look in it's general direction and you cannot miss it. This does not stop people coming to the counter, pointing in its general direction and asking: "Do you have any orange sacks?"

We also have customers, professors of all people, asking for hyper-specific books and then being surprised that our tiny, little library doesn't keep a copy in stock. And please forgive me if I don't know the name of this specific author you're asking for. I really don't know who wrote "Blood of vengeance" or what number book it is in the series.

And if you're going on the computers, please have at least a basic knowledge of how they are used. It's the busiest time of the year for us, so I don't really want to show you how to google for "hotmail". And I really shouldn't have to show you where the "@" key is.

But then there is Howard who is easily the funniest regular in the place. We were holding an art class in the middle of the library, he leans over the counter and quietly says: "What a bunch of scribbles"

[Azisien]

accepting the fact that I may not get it my way, so on and so forth.

This is probably one of the things that bothers me the most about customer service, on the customer side and employee side. Complaining, whining, or threatening to get the best deals. Honestly, they are negative behaviours that then get rewarded. We could probably hook up a turbine to Skinner's grave and power a Walmart.

It does apply to the bigger companies too, because I can't count the number of times it's been suggested to me that I call one of the big cell phone companies and pretend to be mad at them until they give me a great deal. Why the hell aren't they giving good, loyal customers a great deal?

I try to cope as best I can, as an employee, by not giving assholes what they want.

[Ecks]

I come to you with tales of the darker side of retail. I work for RGIS. The ninjas of retail inventory. Ordinarily, we slip in, scan your stuff, and slip out without a trace. But, and this is a big BUT, fucking Kmart has to be retarded and call us in for their inventories in broad daylight. This presents two problems. One, not only do we have to cover the entire store while the Kmart staff are running around putting out fires, but customers are running around the store yanking shit off of clothing racks or shelves and then putting it down somewhere else in the store. People let their kids run around and they rip the tags off clothing (which, as you might expect, slows down the fucking scan crews because we have to yell out SKU CHECK! so the Kmart staff can come and give us the UPC code). AND KMART CUSTOMERS ARE THE DUMBEST LIFE FORMS ON THE PLANET! As part of our uniform, we wear grey (team leaders) or maroon (auditors, specialists, and experts) collared tees with the RGIS logo near the hem on both arms, and we wear large ID badges, again, WITH THE LARGE RGIS LOGO RIGHT OVER OUR FUCKING PICTURES. Kmart employees wear smaller tags, WITH THE KMART LOGO ON THEM, and they wear BRIGHT RED VESTS OR OTHER BRIGHT RED CLOTHING.

So what do you think the first clueless fuck who bumps into me as I'm pulling yellow placeholder tags off shelves? "HAY DO YUH NO WUR [SUCH-AND-SUCH] IS?" To my credit, while the repeated questions about the store, none of which I could answer, as I'M NOT A KMART EMPLOYEE, did irritate the hell out of me, I was nice and polite the whole shift.

THERE WAS ONE FUCKING PERSON THROUGHOUT THE DAY WE WERE AT THIS PARTICULAR KMART WHO WAS SMART ENOUGH TO ASK AN INTELLIGENT QUESTION. It was "Do you work here?" I smiled, guys. It gave me a small ray of hope that the uneducated masses might not perhaps remain so.

But still retail sucks. Unless you're working a late shift when all the dipshits are home in their beds.

[Jagos]

Ecks, the freaks come out at night...

[Ecks]

Jagos, we're posting on NPF...

[CABAL49]

I had to hear a speech from this crazy lady (she had the crazy eye) about how how NC tax is a percentage of every dollar you spend. If it is less then a dollar, you don't get taxed on it.

Now this is not true at all but despite the fact that NC sales tax had forever been a percentage of the price of the good, she still insisted that I was wrong. The thing is, I wasn't working that day. I stopped in so that I could get my check. After my boss got me my check, I passed her onto one of my co-workers and left. By that point she was talking about how NC tax policy was criminal.

[Julford Hajime]

Man, you guys have my sympathy. I used to work fast-food and loved it because I was basically working at the kind of place you see in sitcoms and webcomics, where the staff rise to superior levels of assholishness when the asshole customers show up.

And for the record: Just because I work there doesn't mean that I know every price for every combo meal, nor do I immediatly know every ingrediant that is on the new special burger we just started making today. That you expect some sort of reward, and that you vehemently start shouting at me for that reward you're expecting, is your own fault for being a goddamn idiot and I don't have to cater to your every whim.

That said, I'm the nicest fucker you will EVER meet if you're behind the register. I know what kind of shit people give you, because everyone (EVERYONE) in my family treats the peope behind the counter like sub-human filth. So if I'm back up there, I'm calm, I briefly summarize why I'm back up, and while I have expectations of what should be done (If my order's wrong, I expect to get the food I ordered; if the price scanned in wrong, I expect to get the price adjusted, etc.), I understand that getting angry at you does no good for either of us.

[Seil]

I have had at least one customer from every bit of crazy you guys have listed (I've worked in retail/fast food my whole working life) and you have my sympathies.

My regret is that I'm at least trying to be a nice person, 'cause everyone is worthy of some respect, but why do they make it so hard?!

No, I don't know how much those are. I don't have our inventory memorized, especially since the tax prices have recently changed due to HST.
No we don't have a public washroom. That's across the street. Could you please stay there until you learn how not to yell at me?

Upon re-reading the actual thread, I realize that I'm just copying Mr. Hajime's post.

[Mannix]

Luckily I've never worked customer-side in a retail establishment, though I saw some of the stuff the waiters and waitresses had to deal with while I was a dish washer.

One dude was trying to dicker down the price of his steak by saying he hadn't asked for the seasoning we cooked steaks with so he shouldn't have to pay for the less than one cent worth of salt.

Another dude walked up behind one of the waitresses while she was punching an order into the computer and started rubbing her back, then walked away.

One of my favorite waiters (for many reasons) had seated a young family at one of his tables and they were taking more than 30 minutes to figure out what they wanted to order. The last time he went to figure out if they were ready to order he said what was on his mind ("You guys have your shit together yet?") This guy also regularly turned the clock ahead 15 minutes just before closing time so he could turn away the assholes that would show up at the last minute and make everybody stay late. Oh, another rule to add to the mix: Don't go into a dining establishment if it's anything less than 30 minutes to closing time; so for example if closing time is 11:00, don't go in after 10:30.

[Fenris]

Dear Retarded Old Lady:

When a coupon says "10 for $1 on selected varieties," "selected varieties" does not mean "all varieties." In fact, that is the opposite of what it means.

Hugs and Lollipops,
Fenris

[bluestarultor]

Having worked deli, I have a few additions.

1. If the hot case is being taken down for the night, you have no right to complain that the food doesn't look fresh. It's not. That's why it's being taken down and thrown away. You are also not entitled to a discount because the food is not fresh. You're not even entitled to the food, especially after it's already been weighed up for inventory purposes. If the worker is nice enough to redo the books for you, do not bite the hand that is literally feeding you.

2. If the storefront does not say Wal-Mart on it, you are not at Wal-Mart. That means that the prices are probably going to be different. If you don't like them, go to Wal-Mart instead of coming in every week, asking about the prices, complaining Wal-Mart's are better, and leaving without buying anything, thereby wasting the workers' time.

3. Be advised that the deli is also not a get-rich-quick scheme. If you DO decide to go to Wal-Mart, do not try to return the goods to another store. Buying five pounds of potato salad and then trying to return it elsewhere to make a quick buck is not going to work because most stores will want to see a receipt. Arguing with the girl at the front desk is not going to help. It also helps to make sure you actually have a brand the store carries when one of the deli workers gets called over.

[Azisien]

Quotes of the night:

1)
Customer: "Hey, do you guys give change?"
Me: "Banks give change."

2)
Customer (kid): "I'd like to trade in these games."
Me: "Are you 18?" (legal requirement)
Customer: "No....but....last time I came the...the guy let me trade in."
Me: "Cool story bro, you're not trading with me unless you're 18."

3)
Customer: "What's the trade-in value of Halo 3?"
Me: *checks* "$5 in store credit."
Customer: "What?! Why so low? It's Halo 3!"
Me: "Halo is old news, BRO."
Customer: ... :(

4)
Customer (phone call): "Hi, I was wondering if you have any used Fifa Soccer 10 for the PS3?"
Me: *checks* "Nope, we have no used or new Fifa Soccer 10 for any systems."
Customer: "Oh...do you have any new copies?"
Me: "No."
Customer: "So you don't have any copies at all?"
Me (inside head: mixture of hang up urges and death threats): "No."

[Wigmund]

Linking Fifth's thread about the Greatest Flight Attendant Ever (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=38496) because that's how everyone being shit on by customers should deal with the assholes.