To Our Valued Customers

[Seil]

I accepted the job at the local convenience store because I needed a bit of cash to pay some bills and pay for my expensive whiskey addiction. I had no idea that I'd be treated with serving you, the general public. Just a few points I'd like to touch on:

I need you to read. There is a small deli attached to our store, but it's closed some of the time while the rest of the store is open. Yes, the door to the deli is open, but that's only because it's like a hojillion degrees outside and we need air circulation inside the store. You might have noticed the deli hours posted on the door. Or realize that the lights are off, the open sign turned off, all the sandwich boards pulled in and stacked against the wall. Or that there's no food on display. Any number of things that standing there, dinging the bell is not going to change. And when no one comes out of the deli, please don't take this opportunity to ask if the deli is open, because I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

On that note, slushies. It distinctly says on the machine to buy the cups first, then get your slushie. It's not an invatation to use the small, styrofoam coffee cups that are located next to the coffee machine - and when you get your cups, please don't sample the slushie mixes. There are other people waiting to use the machine, we know you're grabbing half a cup and drinking it there, just don't do it.

Prices; I don't know how much the store down the way sells this. I don't have any control over pricing things. I'm not in charge, I just work here. So yelling at me about how much we charge for a bottle of pop or that you can get it for a dollar less somewhere else, or that it used to be cheaper when you were a kid forty years ago, I reallly can't do anything about it, so please stop yelling.

We all love candy, sugary sweet stuff that it is. Though please don't grab it. That's why we have tongs there. Yes, the tongs are a pain in the ass and yes, we just want to grab some and go, but if you stick your hands in there you're dirtying the candy for everyone else. And it's gross. You're getting better about this, but I stil have to tell people to use the tongs before they stick their hand in there. So stop it.

Lottery players, it's great that you've found something you can devote several hours to a day and spend over a hundred dollars with no return. But please know what you want, and for the love of Christ, check your tickets. We have a special machine for that, where you can check your tickets. Bringing in a stack of things that you've been collecting for years not only holds up the line and makes others angry, half of your tickets aren't winners and the rest have expired.

On that note, smokers - know what you want. If you come in saying that you or your friend smokes smokes that come in a browny-orangey-yellow pack, then we're going to have to go across the wall and find it.

I understand that you all have a sense of humor. Well, most of you do. But if possible, could you refrain from making jokes? If the scanner isn't working and I'm having trouble pricing your item for you, the best thing you can do is not say something like "Well, I guess that means it's free." The frquency of that being repeated on long days and the smugness of the person saying it is grounds for your slushy being dumped over top of you. Just stand by while we try to get our machines working.

There's a few other personal peeves of mine, but for now, I'll leave you with that. So if you could work on that, then we can get along so much better and the process will go so much more smoothly.