Lets say I walk up, and punch you in the face. I then declare it was performance art without a hint of insincerity. Is it Art?

Not everyone. My issue with his statements is that he's basically telling countless artists that the art they've spent so much of their time creating isn't art at all and never will be, which I feel is insulting and dismissive to them to say the least.

Is that a koan? Should I be contemplating the nature of enlightenment?

You can't have a legitimate opinion on something without experiencing it.

It would be like me trying to tell you that having penises in your vagina sucks because obviously the act of penetration is superior to the act of penetrating. Maybe I could draw some comparisons on how like, any OTHER kind of penetration of the body is usually pretty terrible or something.

MAYBE if he actually played some of the more artistic games or did even some cursory research into the subject he could have a legitimate opinion.

He admits he has done neither, and so as it stands, he has none.

It's why I haven't, until now, bothered to actually respond to anything dealing with Ebert directly.

Let's say something is critiqued by art critics, put in a museum, and taught to art students as art.

Does it make you an idiot for insisting it isn't? Yes.

Also it wouldn't surprise me if someone doing that was actually a piece of performance art that existed to explore the violent undertones of modern society and how the modern man represses his primal urges even in the face of obvious force.

But why does it? But... is it Art?

Yes. Jegus fucking Christ it is art. Okay?

I mean, if nothing else it at least falls under martial arts which has the word "art" in it so I guess you could say that it totally is art.

Depends how all right you are with getting punched back.

True artists suffer for their art.

So, if someone declares something is Art, than it is always Art?

Yup.
Start here, proceed through all the cited works, maybe take an art course.

Come back when you're done being ignorant and obstinate just for shits and giggles.

And stop trolling.