The Warring States of NPF - View Single Post

Gregness · 08-24-2011, 02:19 AM

Okay, taking in to account some of Onion's suggestions, draft two looks something like:

----------------

Hello Mr. PRIVATE,

My name is DERP and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to HIGHEREDUCATION in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major. After two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008; when the degree was opened last year, I finally transferred to Computer Science & Engineering. A change of major as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four-year curriculum to complete. This coming fall semester is my ninth at DASCHOOL; my current projected graduation date is december 2012. However, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford continued attendance at PLACE because my financial aid, originally calculated at the WUE tuition level, has been readjusted so that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, which I cannot afford to pay.

I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I am determined to complete my course of study on schedule. I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan.

Thank you very much for your time.

MYNAME
ID #: CONFIDENTIAL

---------------------------------------

This is mostly a stylistic thing I guess, but constructions like "I initially transferred", and "I respectfully ask" seem sort of superfluous to me. My composition professors would always tell me to read a sentence with and without a word and if the meaning carried in both cases you leave it out. Also, I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but the --aside-- isn't something I've seen too often. Is it used in professional correspondance much? Anyway, I wasn't sure so I came up with another version that hopefully wouldn't need it.

Oh, speaking of redundancy, the third sentence there ("After two semesters ... in Fall 2008) the time reference seems redundant but I'm not sure whether the first or second should be the one to take a hike.

Anways, thanks for comments guys (and the lulz).

08-24-2011, 02:19 AM	#8
Gregness Never give up. Never give in. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 1,034	Okay, taking in to account some of Onion's suggestions, draft two looks something like: ---------------- Hello Mr. PRIVATE, My name is DERP and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to HIGHEREDUCATION in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major. After two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008; when the degree was opened last year, I finally transferred to Computer Science & Engineering. A change of major as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four-year curriculum to complete. This coming fall semester is my ninth at DASCHOOL; my current projected graduation date is december 2012. However, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford continued attendance at PLACE because my financial aid, originally calculated at the WUE tuition level, has been readjusted so that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, which I cannot afford to pay. I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I am determined to complete my course of study on schedule. I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan. Thank you very much for your time. MYNAME ID #: CONFIDENTIAL --------------------------------------- This is mostly a stylistic thing I guess, but constructions like "I initially transferred", and "I respectfully ask" seem sort of superfluous to me. My composition professors would always tell me to read a sentence with and without a word and if the meaning carried in both cases you leave it out. Also, I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but the --aside-- isn't something I've seen too often. Is it used in professional correspondance much? Anyway, I wasn't sure so I came up with another version that hopefully wouldn't need it. Oh, speaking of redundancy, the third sentence there ("After two semesters ... in Fall 2008) the time reference seems redundant but I'm not sure whether the first or second should be the one to take a hike. Anways, thanks for comments guys (and the lulz). __________________ A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. - Robert Heinlein