Critique my appeal plzkthx!

Gregness · 08-23-2011, 09:53 PM

So, those of you keeping up with the helpstraveganza thread may remember that I'm in a bit of a bind regarding my ability to afford school this semester. Long story short, my discounted tuition status apparantly has a time limit on it, and that limit has expired. I've written a draft of an appeal that I want to send to the appeals coordinator fellow and I'd like to hear y'alls thoughts on it.

Proper nouns have been replaced to protect the innocent.

---------------------------

Hello Mr. CONFIDENTIAL,

My name is CENSORED and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to MYSCHOOL in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major and after two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008 and, ultimately, to Computer Science & Engineering when the degree was opened last year. A change as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four year curriculum to work through and this coming fall semester is my ninth at SCHOOLNAMEAGAIN. My current projected graduation date is december 2012 but considering that my financial aid was calculated at the WUE tuition level and that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford to attend.

I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan.

Thank you very much for your time.

TOTALLYMYNAME
ID #: LOLNOTONTHEINTERNET

---------------------------------------

So, a few relevant things: I had a meatspace buddy of mine take a look at this already and he's suggested I add a bit about being determined to finish according to schedule so that they're sure I'm not just wasting my time but I'm not exactly sure how to put it that won't be redundant with what's there. Also, I'm pretty sure the school's policy regarding this WUE tuition thing has changed since I was admitted because when I checked the current version of the policy they don't even accept transfer students into the program these days. This makes me think that the time limit might be a new thing too, but I'm not sure if that gives me any leverage.

Anyways, thanks for your time guys and I'd value any (constructive) input you've got.

**Satan's Onion** · 08-23-2011, 10:16 PM

Let me polish up the grammar 'n' stuff a bit, breaking up some run-ons and possibly adding the odd word or two (you'll know the additions 'cos they're italicized). Even little things like that can make a significant difference in how your appeal is treated.

My suggestions. I hope this is helpful.

Bells · 08-23-2011, 10:23 PM

for things like this i (personally) feel best to prepare for the worst and scale down from that into something realistic. So, i read your draft as the biggest asshole possible, imagine what would would the line of thought be in this case... here is what i came up with:

"So you want us to expand your special condition of a discounted tuition, just cause you've been flip floppin between your majors? How can we know that next year you won't change your mind again if we don't even know why you change it this time?"

It's harsh, i know, but if you can solve this, you can solve anything.

So...To ask for a discount is pretty much the same as asking for money. Maybe you should slide in something about how this is your final position and this is what you really want, or maybe bring some light as to why such a drastic change came to be in the first place.

Y'know... at least let them know that you really want to finish this course, don't let it get distorted into making it seem like you just want a "break" from the tuition costs.

shiney · 08-23-2011, 10:25 PM

Dear Mr. To Whom it May Concern:

Convincing words!!

Sinceriously,

Greg

P.S. I know your daughter's school schedule

(You put this in general so you don't get 100% serious responses!)

akaSM · 08-23-2011, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bells

Maybe you should slide in something about how this is your final position and this is what you really want, or maybe bring some light as to why such a drastic change came to be in the first place.

Y'know... at least let them know that you really want to finish this course, don't let it get distorted into making it seem like you just want a "break" from the tuition costs.

This, also, if you have good grades and stuff, maybe talking about them would be a good idea.

Gregness · 08-23-2011, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shiney

Dear Mr. To Whom it May Concern:

Convincing words!!

Sinceriously,

Greg

P.S. I know your daughter's school schedule

(You put this in general so you don't get 100% serious responses!)

P.P.S. I also know her sleep schedule.

Seriously though, I wasn't sure whether this would be better in the writing/art forum, but I figured it'd get more traffic here so whatevs. Hilarity at my expense is okay too.

@Satan's Onion: I was originally gonna say something about how the word choice at the point where you suggest I write "cannot afford to pay" might not be entirely accurate. I just did some math and if I take every loan I'm being offered, even the unsubsidized ones, that still leaves me having to pay hundreds out of pocket and that's not even getting into the fact that I've got no money to actually pay rent with. If I had a job right now I might be able to swing it, but loleconomy. not to mention that holding down a job while doing a full time engineering curriculum is not a recipe for the kind of grades I want. TLDR: maybe your version is accurate after all....

Krylo · 08-23-2011, 11:17 PM

Uninspired, cliche. The same appeal I've seen thousands of times before. There was no pathos, no human connection.

One star out of five.

Gregness · 08-24-2011, 02:19 AM

Okay, taking in to account some of Onion's suggestions, draft two looks something like:

----------------

Hello Mr. PRIVATE,

My name is DERP and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to HIGHEREDUCATION in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major. After two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008; when the degree was opened last year, I finally transferred to Computer Science & Engineering. A change of major as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four-year curriculum to complete. This coming fall semester is my ninth at DASCHOOL; my current projected graduation date is december 2012. However, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford continued attendance at PLACE because my financial aid, originally calculated at the WUE tuition level, has been readjusted so that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, which I cannot afford to pay.

I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I am determined to complete my course of study on schedule. I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan.

Thank you very much for your time.

MYNAME
ID #: CONFIDENTIAL

---------------------------------------

This is mostly a stylistic thing I guess, but constructions like "I initially transferred", and "I respectfully ask" seem sort of superfluous to me. My composition professors would always tell me to read a sentence with and without a word and if the meaning carried in both cases you leave it out. Also, I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but the --aside-- isn't something I've seen too often. Is it used in professional correspondance much? Anyway, I wasn't sure so I came up with another version that hopefully wouldn't need it.

Oh, speaking of redundancy, the third sentence there ("After two semesters ... in Fall 2008) the time reference seems redundant but I'm not sure whether the first or second should be the one to take a hike.

Anways, thanks for comments guys (and the lulz).

Meister · 08-24-2011, 02:28 AM

Darling Fascist Bullyboy,

Give me some more money, you bastard.

May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman,
Neil

**Satan's Onion** · 08-24-2011, 02:36 AM

It looks like it works to me! I do have a tendency to fancypants it up in my more formal writing, so it's good to find ways to say the same thing without sounding like you (and by "you" I mean I) just finished a Frasier marathon.

08-23-2011, 09:53 PM	#1
Gregness Never give up. Never give in. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 1,034	Critique my appeal plzkthx! So, those of you keeping up with the helpstraveganza thread may remember that I'm in a bit of a bind regarding my ability to afford school this semester. Long story short, my discounted tuition status apparantly has a time limit on it, and that limit has expired. I've written a draft of an appeal that I want to send to the appeals coordinator fellow and I'd like to hear y'alls thoughts on it. Proper nouns have been replaced to protect the innocent. --------------------------- Hello Mr. CONFIDENTIAL, My name is CENSORED and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to MYSCHOOL in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major and after two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008 and, ultimately, to Computer Science & Engineering when the degree was opened last year. A change as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four year curriculum to work through and this coming fall semester is my ninth at SCHOOLNAMEAGAIN. My current projected graduation date is december 2012 but considering that my financial aid was calculated at the WUE tuition level and that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford to attend. I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan. Thank you very much for your time. TOTALLYMYNAME ID #: LOLNOTONTHEINTERNET --------------------------------------- So, a few relevant things: I had a meatspace buddy of mine take a look at this already and he's suggested I add a bit about being determined to finish according to schedule so that they're sure I'm not just wasting my time but I'm not exactly sure how to put it that won't be redundant with what's there. Also, I'm pretty sure the school's policy regarding this WUE tuition thing has changed since I was admitted because when I checked the current version of the policy they don't even accept transfer students into the program these days. This makes me think that the time limit might be a new thing too, but I'm not sure if that gives me any leverage. Anyways, thanks for your time guys and I'd value any (constructive) input you've got. __________________ A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. - Robert Heinlein Last edited by Gregness; 08-23-2011 at 10:25 PM. Reason: Hah, forgetting words FTL

08-23-2011, 10:16 PM	#2
Satan's Onion Swing You Sinners! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: 4th Street Posts: 2,666	Let me polish up the grammar 'n' stuff a bit, breaking up some run-ons and possibly adding the odd word or two (you'll know the additions 'cos they're italicized). Even little things like that can make a significant difference in how your appeal is treated. My suggestions. I hope this is helpful. __________________ Good evening, ladies. Please enter and be tained .

08-23-2011, 10:23 PM	#3
Bells That's so PC of you Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In a Server-sided Dimension where time is meaningless Posts: 10,490	for things like this i (personally) feel best to prepare for the worst and scale down from that into something realistic. So, i read your draft as the biggest asshole possible, imagine what would would the line of thought be in this case... here is what i came up with: "So you want us to expand your special condition of a discounted tuition, just cause you've been flip floppin between your majors? How can we know that next year you won't change your mind again if we don't even know why you change it this time?" It's harsh, i know, but if you can solve this, you can solve anything. So...To ask for a discount is pretty much the same as asking for money. Maybe you should slide in something about how this is your final position and this is what you really want, or maybe bring some light as to why such a drastic change came to be in the first place. Y'know... at least let them know that you really want to finish this course, don't let it get distorted into making it seem like you just want a "break" from the tuition costs. __________________ *BELLS STORE : Clothes! You wear* them! Free US Shipping Subscription System? WTF?! Zazzle Black!**

08-23-2011, 10:25 PM	#4
shiney Derrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: The land of fartz and buttz Posts: 8,266	Dear Mr. To Whom it May Concern: Convincing words!! Sinceriously, Greg P.S. I know your daughter's school schedule (You put this in general so you don't get 100% serious responses!) __________________ boop

08-23-2011, 11:17 PM	#7
Krylo The Straightest Shota Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: It's a secret to everybody. Posts: 17,789	Uninspired, cliche. The same appeal I've seen thousands of times before. There was no pathos, no human connection. One star out of five. __________________ I am very tired.

08-24-2011, 02:19 AM	#8
Gregness Never give up. Never give in. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 1,034	Okay, taking in to account some of Onion's suggestions, draft two looks something like: ---------------- Hello Mr. PRIVATE, My name is DERP and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to HIGHEREDUCATION in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major. After two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008; when the degree was opened last year, I finally transferred to Computer Science & Engineering. A change of major as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four-year curriculum to complete. This coming fall semester is my ninth at DASCHOOL; my current projected graduation date is december 2012. However, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford continued attendance at PLACE because my financial aid, originally calculated at the WUE tuition level, has been readjusted so that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, which I cannot afford to pay. I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I am determined to complete my course of study on schedule. I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan. Thank you very much for your time. MYNAME ID #: CONFIDENTIAL --------------------------------------- This is mostly a stylistic thing I guess, but constructions like "I initially transferred", and "I respectfully ask" seem sort of superfluous to me. My composition professors would always tell me to read a sentence with and without a word and if the meaning carried in both cases you leave it out. Also, I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but the --aside-- isn't something I've seen too often. Is it used in professional correspondance much? Anyway, I wasn't sure so I came up with another version that hopefully wouldn't need it. Oh, speaking of redundancy, the third sentence there ("After two semesters ... in Fall 2008) the time reference seems redundant but I'm not sure whether the first or second should be the one to take a hike. Anways, thanks for comments guys (and the lulz). __________________ A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. - Robert Heinlein

08-24-2011, 02:28 AM	#9
Meister Pure joy Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Germany Posts: 10,689	Darling Fascist Bullyboy, Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil

08-24-2011, 02:36 AM	#10
Satan's Onion Swing You Sinners! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: 4th Street Posts: 2,666	It looks like it works to me! I do have a tendency to fancypants it up in my more formal writing, so it's good to find ways to say the same thing without sounding like you (and by "you" I mean I) just finished a Frasier marathon. __________________ Good evening, ladies. Please enter and be tained .