Episode of The Simpsons, "Ces-(annoyed grunt)-da"

[Sun-Wukong]

My goal in life is to be a writer, and my preferred medium that of the screenplay. Granted you don't get as much credit as the people who write prose, but it just comes more naturally to me. To that end, I decided to write a Simpsons episode and I'm actually pretty proud of it. I look forward to constructive criticism though.

Please help me hone my craft.

EDIT #2: Okay, I separated it into parts so I could still upload the .doc file (and keep all the formatting). Sorry, that was the only way I could figure it.

EDIT #3: And even then it screwed up in a few places... My apologies. I'd also like to take this opportunity to say you should use Microsoft Works Word Processor, that's what I typed it in.

[Sun-Wukong]

Okay, I realize some people may not want to download a bunch of files (especially from someone so new) so here goes. Keep in mind the formatting has been redone for forum viewing:

ACT ONE

A LOGO FOR "COPS: IN SPRINGFIELD". APPEARS ON SCREEN.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

CAMERA MAN'S POV:

EDDIE AND LOU ARE CHASING BEHIND CHIEF WIGGUM, PURSUING SNAKE JAILBIRD ON FOOT. SNAKE STARTS TO CLIMB A FENCE BUT GETS ELECTROCUTED AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, SMOLDERING AND MOANING IN PAIN. WIGGUM LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.

CHIEF WIGGUM
(Out of breath)
Okay, we've caught up with
the perpetrator. Now...

HE LOOKS DOWN, THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO SHOW THAT SNAKE IS HOLDING A GUN.

CHIEF WIGGUM (CONT'D)
Eh, he's still armed. Better
hand me the Taser, Lou.

TV STATIC TO:

INT. POLICE CRUISER - LATER

CAMERA MAN'S POV:

CHIEF WIGGUM AND LOU ARE IN THE FRONT SEATS; EDDIE IS SITTING ON THE FAR LEFT WITH SNAKE BETWEEN HIM AND THE CAMERA MAN.

CHIEF WIGGUM
Now before we take him down to the
Police Department, we're gonna
retrieve the stolen property from
his hideaway, since he was nice
enough to tell us where it is.


LOU
I don't know chief, seems
like some kind of trap.

CHIEF WIGGUM
Aw jeez Lou, can't you just trust
somebody for once? Maybe if you
did, your wife wouldn't have left you.

THEY ALL SIT SILENTLY FOR A MOMENT.

LOU
Y-yeah...

TV STATIC TO:

E/I. JAILBIRD'S MOTEL ROOM - LATER STILL

CAMERA MAN'S POV:

CHIEF WIGGUM UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND STEPS IN. HE TURNS ON THE LIGHT TO REVEAL A COMPLETELY BARE ROOM, EXCEPT THAT THERE'S AN ORANGUTAN LYING ON THE BED. WIGGUM'S MOUTH HANGS OPEN.

CLICK

THE CAMERA TURNS AROUND AND SNAKE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE LOCKED DOOR; HE POINTS AT CHIEF WIGGUM.

SNAKE
Haha, Sick him Tangy.

THE CAMERA IS STILL FOCUSED ON SNAKE. CHIEF WIGGUM CRIES OUT IN PAIN WHILE THE RANGUTAN SHRIEKS ANGRILY.

TV STATIC TO:

E/I. POLICE CRUISER - DAWN

THE ORANGUTAN, NOW HEAVILY SEDATED, IS STRAPPED TO THE ROOF OF THE CAR.

CAMERA MAN'S POV:

CHIEF WIGGUM
I may have gotten scratched up
pretty bad. In fact, part of my
brain is exposed under this hat
(pointing), but I'm proud to say
that this orangutan is going to be
released back into the wild.

OVERLAPPING WITH THE LAST OF HIS DIALOGUE, A MESSAGE APPEARS BELOW THAT READS "ORANGUTAN NOW AVAILABLE AT LOCAL POLICE AUCTION"

REVEAL:

INT. SIMPSON HOME - DAY

HOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH HIS ARMS IN THE AIR.

HOMER
Omigod, oh my GOD!

THE REST OF THE FAMILY RUSH INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MARGE
What? What is it?

HOMER
(Pointing at the TV)
Police auction, amazing deals,
CHEAP PRE-OWNED MONKEY FOR SALE!

LISA
Dad, it's wrong keep an
animal like that in captivity.

CLOSE ON: LISA'S FACE

LISA (CONT'D)
Besides, an orangutan is part of the
great ape family. Monkeys have tails.

REVEAL: VISIBLE THROUGH THE WINDOW, HOMER IS RUNNING OUT TO THE CAR.

HOMER
Used monkey, people!
Come on. Move it or lose it.

HONK-- EVERYONE WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AT AN APATHETIC PACE, EXCEPT FOR BART WHO LOOKS CONCERNED.

EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

HOMER AND LISA ARE SITTING IN THE CAR, BART STANDS OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

BART
Dad, don't you think this is a little
dangerous? They arrest that guy
once a month, what if he escapes again?

LISA
Now that I think about it, didn't
you already buy a car that
belonged to him? It's almost like
we're running out of new things to do...

HOMER
Don't worry kids. A car is one
thing, but this is a monkey. Who's
gonna care that much about a monkey?
I mean, they're so different. Too.
(Winks at the screen)

BART
You seemed pretty exited about it.

HOMER
That's because I appreciate the
little-- Ooh, there's a penny on
the ground!

BART
It's not even on heads.

HOMER
Who says that matters?
(Looks down at floor mat)
Oh my God, another penny!

BART SHRUGS AND GETS INTO THE CAR.

LISA
That's a melted caramel candy.

HOMER
(Eating)
Even better.

EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER

AN OLDER MAN STANDS AT A PODIUM WITH A GAVEL.

AUCTIONEER
...And the primate goes to the
portly gentleman with whiskey
on his breath.

BARNEY
Alright, I sure am glad I fell off
the wagon again or I never would
have thought this was a good idea...

HOMER
D'oh! Lousy Barney,
stealin' my monkey...

LISA
Again, I'd like to point out that
orangutans are apes, not monk--

RANDOM CROWD MEMBER
Nobody cares!

LISA
(deflated, sighs)
I know, but I keep trying...

AUCTIONEER
The last item up for bid is this
outdated prison cafeteria deep
fryer, used by a mask-wearing
sociopath to splash hot oil on a
fellow inmates face. Barely used,
do I hear fifty dollars?

HOMER
(raising his paddle)
Fifty one dollars!

EVERYONE IS SILENT.

AUCTIONEER
Is that all then?
(Sighs)
Going once, going twi-- oh come
on! Only one person wants to bid?
You don't know what it's like in
there, we need money! We can't
even afford to use the real
electric chair any more, it's just
a kiddie pool and a toaster!

COMIC BOOK STORE GUY
I would have multiple reasons to
buy it, yes, but I already spent
all the money I brought on this.

COMIC BOOK STORE GUY HOLDS UP A CLOTH WITH A MOVING RORSCHACH TEST ON IT.

AUCTIONEER
Fine, fine. Sold to the
Balding man in blue pants.

HOMER
Woohoo!

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

BARNEY IS LEADING THE ORANGUTAN TO THE PLOW KING, HOLDING ITS HAND.

BARNEY
Now you get into the passenger
seat and I can use the carpool
lane to get to MOE'S in time
for happy hour.

BARNEY SITS DOWN, SNAKE JAILBIRD IN AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT PEERS
THROUGH THE WINDOW FROM THE TRUCK BED. AS BARNEY PULLS OUT
OF THE PARKING LOT, AN OMINOUS SCORE STARTS TO PLAY.

ACT TWO

INT. FAMILY SEDAN - DUSK

THE FAMILY SITS IN THEIR USUAL POSITIONS IN THE CAR, THE DEEP FRYER IS IN THE BACK.

HOMER
Oh mama, I'm gonna make so many
foods even worse for me!

MARGE
Homer, I don't want you to overdo
it. You're not the healthiest man
alive, you know.

IN THE BACKGROUND, THE PLOW KING DRIVES ALONGSIDE THE CAR. THE BACK WINDOW IS BROKEN AND BARNEY IS TIED UP IN THE TRUCK-BED. SNAKE IS DRIVING WHILE THE ORANGUTAN PLAYS AIR GUITAR IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.

HOMER
(Sighs)
I finally fulfill my life-long
dream of owning a deep fryer and I
can't even have fun with it.

MARGE
Your life-long dream was to own an
orangutan! I guess you kind of
missed your opportunity to do that
today, but I've never heard you
say anything about wanting a deep fryer.

HOMER
I'm a fat guy, Marge, it should go
without saying. It'll be like
eating at a carnival but everyday!
And then on Thanksgiving, we can
fry a turkey instead of baking it.
(Enraptured, talking more
to himself than Marge)
No wait, scratch that, we can fry
a turkey on every holiday, even
the ones where we wouldn't normally have a turkey!

MARGE
Homey--

HOMER
Come on, we can use old coat
hangers to dunk the turkeys in.
(Pleading)
I know how much you like finding
new uses for things instead of
just throwing them out.

MARGE
That's true. Okay, we can do something
fun with it tonight, but after
that I want you to use it sparingly.

HOMER
Deal!

HOMER SWERVES JUST IN TIME TO MAKE AN EXIT ON THEIR LEFT.

E/I. THE PLOW KING - CONTINUOUS

SNAKE TURNS HIS HEAD AND LOOKS TOWARDS THE BACK WINDOW.

SNAKE
I just want to let you know that
it's nothing personal, drunky.
This orangutan is just the only
thing to show me any kindness
since Gloria left me. She says I
was "abusive", but Tangy here
knows I'm only kidding her.

SNAKE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD WHILE HE TALKS, THE ORANGUTAN GRABS THE WHEEL TO AVOID ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

SNAKE (CONT'D)
Isn't that right, banana bunch?

ORANGUTAN (SUBTITLE)
That's the third time this exact
thing has happened!

BARNEY
Aw, that's nice... Is there any
beer left in my glove box? I'm
startin' to sober up.

SNAKE
Looks like some spilled out a
while back and hasn't been cleaned
up yet.

BARNEY
That's fine, I'm pretty sure
there's a bag of bendy straws
under the driver's seat. Could you
toss some of 'em back here?

SNAKE GETS A SLIGHTLY ANNOYED LOOK ON HIS FACE AND TOSSES THE BAG BEHIND HIS SHOULDER. A STRING OF SEVERAL BENDY STRAWS EMERGES FROM THE HOLE IN THE BACK WINDOW AND JABS SNAKE IN THE FACE.

SNAKE
You know what? I changed my mind,
you can't have any.

INT. SIMPSON HOME/KITCHEN - NIGHT

HOMER IS HOLDING A SAUSAGE ON A SKEWER; HE WRAPS A SLICE OF BACON AROUND IT AND DIPS IT IN A JAR OF BUTTER.

MARGE
Don't you think that's a little much?

HOMER
It's only for tonight, I swear.

MARGE LEAVES; HOMER FRIES THE SAUSAGE AND EATS IT IN ONE BITE.

HOMER (CONT'D)
Hmm, I'm in the mood for fries
now... Toss me a potato, Lisa.

LISA PICKS UP TWO POTATOES; THROWS ONE TO HOMER AND STARTS CUTTING THE OTHER ONE RAW.

HOMER (CONT'D)
Honey, you don't eat food raw. You
might get sick.

LISA
It's a vegetable, dad. Cooking it
only gets rid of nutrients.

HOMER
Suit yourself.
(Looks at potato)
Oh, I don't wanna spend time
slicing this. I wanna eat it now.

HOMER'S BRAIN (V.O.)
Just dunk the whole thing in
there, man.

BART WALKS IN THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN.

HOMER
Good idea.

HOMER'S BRAIN (V.O.)
That's what I'm here for.

HOMER
And I thank you for it.

HOMER STICKS THE POTATO ON A SKEWER AND FRIES IT; WALKS OFF EATING IT. LISA LOOKS ON, CONCERNED; BART IS UNFAZED.

INT. SIMPSON HOME/MASTER BEDROOM - LATER

HOMER'S STOMACH RUMBLES WHILE HE LIES IN BED.

HOMER
So many foods left uneaten...
Left unfried...

INT. SIMPSON HOME/KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

HOMER WALKS TO THE FRYER AND SEES A PADLOCK WITH A NOTE FROM MARGE.

HOMER
Come on, I just wanted a midnight snack.
(Looks at fridge)
Oh well...

HE OPENS THE FRIDGE AND PULLS OUT A STEAK; LOOKS AT IT,
SHRUGS AND STARTS EATING IT RAW.

E/I. MOE'S - DAY

SNAKE IS HOLDING A GUN TO BARNEY'S BACK IN THE PARKING LOT,
BARNEY IS SOBER, BUT HIS HAIR IS STILL MESSY.

SNAKE
Now go in there and tell them that
the orangutan you bought ran away
and you have no idea where it went.

BARNEY
Okay, just stop pokin' me with that thing.

BARNEY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, THE BAR FLIES ARE IN THERE USUAL PLACE; HOMER IS INHALING A BOWL OF PEANUTS.

MOE
Hey Homer, that's the third bowl
today. I ain't smugglin' elephants
for the mob no more, I don't keep
peanuts stock piled in the back.

HOMER
Sorry Moe, I just can't seem to
get full. Do you have anything a
little heavier?

BARNEY SITS DOWN AND INTERRUPTS.

BARNEY
(Forced)
Hello everyone. I am sad that my
orangutan ran away and I can not
find her. I have no idea where she
could have gone.

MOE
Yeah that's nice. Are you gonna order
anything or just sit there?

BARNEY
Sure, just--

HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET TO FIND THAT IT'S EMPTY.

BARNEY (CONT'D)
Hey, he stole my money!

MOE
Who?

BARNEY
No one. I have to go, I don't need a drink.

BARNEY LEAVES WITH AN ANGRY EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

MOE
Yeah yeah, see ya in a week.

SLAM-- MOE TURNS TO HOMER AND SITS A PLATE WITH A BRICK DOWN ON THE COUNTER.

MOE (CONT'D)
That heavy enough for ya?

BARNEY KNOCKS THE GUN FROM SNAKE'S HAND.

BARNEY
The orangutan was one thing, I can
understand that. My money was a
step to far though.

SNAKE
I'm a criminal, what did you expect?

BARNEY STANDS AND THINKS FOR A MOMENT. HE HUGS SNAKE, THEN
PUSHES HIM OUT OF THE WAY AND GETS IN THE PLOW KING. HE
COMBS HIS HAIR BACK AND DRIVES AWAY, STILL UPSET.

SNAKE
So I can keep her? Alright, let's go.

SNAKE BREAKS INTO A CAR AND HOT WIRES IT, THE BAR DOOR OPENS
AS HE DRIVES OFF.

LENNY
My car! Even if I get it back the
monkey dander'll never come out.

HOMER COMES OUT OF THE BAR, HOLDING HIS STOMACH LIGHTLY.

HOMER
You wanna ride? I gotta go anyway.

LENNY
I'm good, thanks though.

HOMER GETS IN HIS CAR AS LENNY GOES BACK INSIDE.

HOMER
Ooh, maybe I shouldn't have eaten
it...

LENNY SITS DOWN NEXT TO CARL.

LENNY
Can I have a ride home?

CARL
Sorry, I got a date on the other
side of town.

INT. FAMILY SEDAN - CONTINUOUS

HOMER IS A FEW BLOCKS AWAY FROM MOE'S.

LENNY (O.S.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

HOMER
What the hell was that?

INT. SIMPSON HOME/MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

MARGE IS IN BED ALONE, THE BATHROOM DOOR IS OPEN.

HOMER (O.S.)
Hey, I lost five pounds.

MARGE
Are you sure? Maybe you're leaning
on the towel rack again.

HOMER
The scale isn't even next to it
anymore, I really lost five
pounds!

MARGE
That's wonderful. What kind of
exercise have you been doing?

HOMER
None that I'm aware of.

MARGE
Are you eating better?

HOMER
Does sausage instead of pepperoni
count?

MARGE
Are you sure you're not just sick?

HOMER
Sick of being fat, maybe. I'm not
gonna look a gift horse in the
mouth, so- good nigh--

HOMER COLLAPSES NEXT TO THE BED, MARGE GETS UP AND KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HIM.

ACT THREE

INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE - DAY

HOMER IS SITTING IN THE EXAMINATION CHAIR LOOKING ANNOYED,
NOW EVEN THINNER; MARGE IS NEXT TO HIM. DR. HIBBERT WALKS IN.

DR. HIBBERT
Now, your wife tells me that
you've been losing a lot of weight
and you're not sure why.

HOMER
Maybe God loves me?
(Defensive)
Look, I don't care why, all I know
is that I feel great. A little
light headed, maybe, but still great!

DR. HIBBERT
(To Marge)
Tell me, has Homer been
experiencing any other signs of...
well, illness?

MARGE
No, not really.

DR. HIBBERT
I suppose it could be Narcolepsy,
but that wouldn't explain such
rapid weight loss.
(Beat)
Hold on, we may need to take a few X-Rays.

INT. DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE - LATER

AN X-RAY OF HOMER'S STOMACH IS ON THE PROJECTOR,
INFESTED WITH A LARGE TAPEWORM.

HOMER
That thing is inside me?

DR. HIBBERT
Yes, it's hooked onto your large
intestine, eating everything you
eat; slowly draining you.

HOMER
So it's like a baby?

DR. HIBBERT
Not really, maybe a lit--

HOMER
Cool. Maybe I can teach it to likechili.

DR. HIBBERT
Homer, this is serious. If you
don't get it removed it will kill you.

HOMER
Okay, what do I need to do?

DR. HIBBERT
You can't eat anything for the next twenty
four hours, then you need to take this pill.

HOMER
D'oh!

INT. SIMPSON HOME/LIVING ROOM - DUSK

HOMER IS SITTING ON THE COUCH BETWEEN BART AND LISA,
MARGE IS HOLDING A TIMER.

MARGE
You still have another twenty
three and a half hours left,
starting now.

MARGE SITS THE TIMER ON THE TABLE.

LISA
How did you even get a tape worm anyway?

HOMER
I dunno. How do you get a tape worm?

LISA
Eating raw or undercooked food,
mostly meat.

HOMER
Nothing comes to mind.
(Beat)
Oh wait, there was that steak I
ate the other night.

BART
Raw?

HOMER
I was gonna deep fry it, but
someone put a padlock on the fryer.

MARGE
You could have pan fried it.

HOMER
I was tired. I didn't wanna go
back to bed with an empty stomach though.

BART
Wait. Since when do we have steak
just lying around?

HOMER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH FOR A MOMENT.

HOMER
Well, that killed five minutes.

HOMER STARTS TWIDDLING HIS THUMBS, THE REST OF THE FAMILY LOOK AROUND AWKWARDLY. HOMER GRABS THE REMOTE AND TURNS ON THE TV.

KENT BROCKMAN (V.O.)
...Unfortunately, the orangutan
had to be put down. And now, sports!

HOMER
Ohh, I never would have let that
happen. Not until I got bored with
it at least.

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER LETS OUT A SCARED YELP.
EVERYONE CONTINUES TO FIDGET NERVOUSLY.

HOMER
I need food!

HOMER RUSHES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN, THE FAMILY LEAPS AT HIM
AND GRAB HIS ANKLES. HOMER LIES DOWN AND STARTS WHIMPERING.

HOMER (CONT'D)
I'm just so hungy...
(Continues sobbing)
Now I'm tired... See ya in the mornin' folks.

CLOSE ON: HOMER FALLS ASLEEP AND STARTS SNORING.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. SIMPSON HOME/LIVING ROOM - LATER

TIMER BUZZING

HOMER GETS UP, MARGE IS HOLDING A PLASTIC CUP WITH A PILL IN IT.

MARGE
It's time.

HOMER TAKES THE PILL AND CHEWS IT.

HOMER
Okay, now what?

HOMER CLUTCHES HIS STOMACH, THEN RUNS FOR THE BATHROOM.

THE END

HOMER (V.O.)
(Strained)
Oh God, it’s like passing a brick!
(Beat)
Oh, wait...