The Dreadful - Page 5

Krylo · 03-01-2011, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSperoni

Sorry if I got your hopes up

Well I am dreadfully disappointed.

ChaoticBrain · 03-02-2011, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krylo

Well I am dreadfully disappointed.

This joke is getting dreadfully old.

Krylo · 03-02-2011, 12:41 AM

Your sense of humor is dreadful.

MSperoni · 03-02-2011, 12:50 AM

Enough of this dreadful exchange! Let's give some opinions about the comic!

Does Page 3 work or is it too wordy? I am hearing both sides of the issue. I think it's okay, but I dunno or else I wouldn't ask.

Krylo · 03-02-2011, 01:00 AM

It is dreadfully wordy, but I think it works. Assuming the little lady there is prone to rambling monologues, that is. It's a matter of whether her giving a judge an impromptu speech like that is in character.

Right now I can only assume it is, and thus approve of it. If that's not the case, however, welp.

It's also a pretty decent vehicle to explain her past in a way that doesn't come off as an exposition dump, while still getting us all (or a lot, at least) of the important information. From the mention of 'her kind' to her explaining some of her motivations and her job.

You could have done some more back and forth between them over a couple of pages, but it would have slowed the pace, and it's entirely justifiable to want to condense the 'boring' exposition as much as possible.

OR TL;DR it's too early to judge whether it was too wordy. Need to know... Kit you said her name was? Need to know her better. It's a decent vehicle, though, assuming it's in character for her.

Pip Boy · 03-02-2011, 01:13 AM

Right now you're at the point where you're just starting to show everyone your characters, story, and style, so its hard to say. Like Krylo suggested, if rambling monologues are common for our little protagonist its fine. If that was not your intention, however, it might be better to put a bit more focus on two-sided conversations. Even if its just the occasional comment like "Go on.." or simple questions that keep her talking, such things can make it feel more like a conversation and less like she's talking to a wall. Sometimes from such ramblings it almost starts to peel away the fourth wall a bit, and make it seem more like she's talking to the reader than another character.*

*By saying this, I mean its something that I often feel when reading long single-sided rants from a character. This didn't seem to be the case this particular time, but is something you should be careful about if this becomes a thing for her.

MSperoni · 03-02-2011, 01:15 AM

Well, "Muttonchops" DOES start talking back to her on the next page.

My intentions with Kit here was that she just started talking and kept going and didn't stop. Like she would say something and then she would prompt herself to say something else and so on... Like a typical chatterbox.

So, yeah, it's in character for her. One of my plans was to contrast her with the typical stoic Western hero who lets his GUNS DO THE TALKIN' instead of his mouth. Kit talks. Sometimes a lot. I try to give her something interesting or funny to say though, and I don't want her to come off as whiny or annoying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pip Boy

... it almost starts to peel away the fourth wall a bit, and make it seem more like she's talking to the reader than another character.

Actually the original page there WASN'T anyone there. I added that panel on the top afterwards. Originally I kinda wanted it to seem like she was talking to "us" to give it a kind of odd vibe.. But Brian said it was too confusing of a cut from page 2 and so I changed it :P

Anyone ever play Heavenly Sword? Remember the parts where Nariko is talking "at the camera"? It kinda seems surreal. That's kinda what I was attempting originally but I felt Brian was right about it being too much of a weird cut from page 2. I dunno, maybe I should have kept it the way it was after all

Krylo · 03-02-2011, 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSperoni

Well, "Muttonchops" DOES start talking back to her on the next page.

My intentions with Kit here was that she just started talking and kept going and didn't stop. Like she would say something and then she would prompt herself to say something else and so on... Like a typical chatterbox.

So, yeah, it's in character for her. One of my plans was to contrast her with the typical stoic Western hero who lets his GUNS DO THE TALKIN' instead of his mouth. Kit talks. Sometimes a lot. I try to give her something interesting or funny to say though, and I don't want her to come off as whiny or annoying.

Well, mission accomplished then.

She didn't come off as whiny or annoying, at least from my perspective, but DEFINITELY as a chatter box.

Pip Boy · 03-02-2011, 01:47 AM

She does seem to fit the profile for the ditsy chatterbox, and "I thought they was here to arrest me" seems to indicate she's an outlaw or former outlaw of some kind. This kind of makes her perfect for the role of the charismatic scoundrel, which is among my favorite kinds of lead character.

Given her cute, yet demonic appearance, I'm thinking we'll see a few certain traits in her personality. We've already established that she's chatty, which is a sign that she's a bit ditsy. This combined with her appearance are a huge indication that she may be a witty, charming rogue. Normally she'd be very optimistic and naive, but she's been hardened a bit by living the rough life, and while still very nice and usually cheerful, maybe has a few more serious or even dark moments. This is especially evident in the way her facial expression changes over the panels in that comic. She looks childish or even adorable, like a little girl, through most of it, yet in the last moment when she mentions her sister she gets a very serious and almost scary look in her eyes. She is probably very idealistic to give her a contrast to similar characters who might play a more villainous role.

That's a giant crap-shoot of assumptions based on very little comic so far, so its probably like 99% wrong, but either way I'm looking forward to seeing things develop a bit to see where this goes.

MSperoni · 03-02-2011, 01:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pip Boy

That's a giant crap-shoot of assumptions based on very little comic so far, so its probably like 99% wrong, but either way I'm looking forward to seeing things develop a bit to see where this goes.

All that is actually pretty spot-on :P

Though there are some twists and such to make her less than totally predictable, but you did a pretty good job pegging her for what little there was to go by

03-02-2011, 12:41 AM	#43
Krylo The Straightest Shota Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: It's a secret to everybody. Posts: 17,789	Your sense of humor is dreadful. __________________ I am very tired.

03-02-2011, 12:50 AM	#44
MSperoni Artist and Writer of Comics Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 2,666	Enough of this dreadful exchange! Let's give some opinions about the comic! Does Page 3 work or is it too wordy? I am hearing both sides of the issue. I think it's okay, but I dunno or else I wouldn't ask. __________________ I do commissions! So Email me if you'd like anything and we'll work out the details! matts_1104@yahoo.com Follow me on Twitter for Dreadful news and random info! (though mostly it's just me babbling about nerd-stuff) http://twitter.com/#!/mSperoni Check out my Deviant Art page if you'd like to see other pictures I've made! http://exmile.deviantart.com/ Follow The Dreadful on Facebook!

03-02-2011, 01:00 AM	#45
Krylo The Straightest Shota Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: It's a secret to everybody. Posts: 17,789	It is dreadfully wordy, but I think it works. Assuming the little lady there is prone to rambling monologues, that is. It's a matter of whether her giving a judge an impromptu speech like that is in character. Right now I can only assume it is, and thus approve of it. If that's not the case, however, welp. It's also a pretty decent vehicle to explain her past in a way that doesn't come off as an exposition dump, while still getting us all (or a lot, at least) of the important information. From the mention of 'her kind' to her explaining some of her motivations and her job. You could have done some more back and forth between them over a couple of pages, but it would have slowed the pace, and it's entirely justifiable to want to condense the 'boring' exposition as much as possible. OR TL;DR it's too early to judge whether it was too wordy. Need to know... Kit you said her name was? Need to know her better. It's a decent vehicle, though, assuming it's in character for her. __________________ I am very tired.

03-02-2011, 01:13 AM	#46
Pip Boy Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: A right and proper Nerd Cave Posts: 2,460	Right now you're at the point where you're just starting to show everyone your characters, story, and style, so its hard to say. Like Krylo suggested, if rambling monologues are common for our little protagonist its fine. If that was not your intention, however, it might be better to put a bit more focus on two-sided conversations. Even if its just the occasional comment like "Go on.." or simple questions that keep her talking, such things can make it feel more like a conversation and less like she's talking to a wall. Sometimes from such ramblings it almost starts to peel away the fourth wall a bit, and make it seem more like she's talking to the reader than another character.* By saying this, I mean its something that I often feel when reading long single-sided rants from a character. This didn't seem to be the case this particular time, but is something you should be careful about if this becomes a thing for her. Last edited by Pip Boy; 03-02-2011 at 01:18 AM.*

03-02-2011, 01:47 AM	#49
Pip Boy Sent to the cornfield Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: A right and proper Nerd Cave Posts: 2,460	She does seem to fit the profile for the ditsy chatterbox, and "I thought they was here to arrest me" seems to indicate she's an outlaw or former outlaw of some kind. This kind of makes her perfect for the role of the charismatic scoundrel, which is among my favorite kinds of lead character. Given her cute, yet demonic appearance, I'm thinking we'll see a few certain traits in her personality. We've already established that she's chatty, which is a sign that she's a bit ditsy. This combined with her appearance are a huge indication that she may be a witty, charming rogue. Normally she'd be very optimistic and naive, but she's been hardened a bit by living the rough life, and while still very nice and usually cheerful, maybe has a few more serious or even dark moments. This is especially evident in the way her facial expression changes over the panels in that comic. She looks childish or even adorable, like a little girl, through most of it, yet in the last moment when she mentions her sister she gets a very serious and almost scary look in her eyes. She is probably very idealistic to give her a contrast to similar characters who might play a more villainous role. That's a giant crap-shoot of assumptions based on very little comic so far, so its probably like 99% wrong, but either way I'm looking forward to seeing things develop a bit to see where this goes.