This is pathetic

[Osterbaum]

What is pathetic you ask. The fact that I am about to ask for opinions from you guys about my personal life. Why is that pathetic? Let's just say that the answer lies within in ourselves.

I am afraid to say this matter is rather serious. Atleast for me, atleast at the moment. Not so serious that I don't want to see any half-assed jokes in this thread though. In any case, and at the risk of seeming whiny and emo, here's the problem:

I'll try to keep this short, but I'll have to start from the beginning. Spring this year I was seeing a girl, a fellow biology student, for a few monhs. It was all good, but not super exciting or anything so we decided to call it quits in june. It was a mutual decision and it seemed to be the right one in the long run.

In july, while in Spain, I started to doubt the decision. Not 100% sure why. Maybe I liked her more than I had realized, maybe I was tired of being single? Whatever the cause, it led to me calling her, aranging a meeting and telling her how I felt. She was unsure what to do. We met again a week later and she was still a bit unsure, but I convinced her to give it a try anyway. So we did, and it was good. Until last week.

Last week I became unsure of a situation I had just a short while ago been sure was what I wanted. Really unsure. So unsure infact, that I've contemplated ending the relationship before it can really start (again). I am not sure why I suddenly feel this way. It might have something to do with fear of (any kind of) commitment, or it might not. Maybe I just don't like her as much as I thought I did. Maybe going to the army ads to the uncertainty.

That army bit needs a little more clarification. I'm going in a few weeks and I would want to have this matter resolved one way or another before that. If we break up when I'm in the army, if it's in bad (worse than now) circumstances it would be bad for my moral and motivation. If we break up now and in a few days or weeks I again think differently, that could be pretty bad aswell. At this point I'm not sure I can any longer fully trust my own judgement. We spoke about this today, and I know she doesn't feel the same way. Whatever my decision, I don't want to have her to have to wait for it any longer than possible. That is to say, as little as possible.

I hope all that is coherent enough. It's hard to get all the details in there so feel free to ask any additional questions you might have. What I am asking here is; What do you think I should do?

[Nikose Tyris]

Broach it from a viewpoint of fear, to her: Ask her what she thinks of you joining the army, and tell her that there are risks involved and that if things go the worst way imaginable, you two might never see each other again. Ask her if she's ready for you to be potentially very far from her, and if she thinks your relationship would last through that.

It's young, and she might admit that she agrees, it wouldn't last. It takes the Onus off you if she makes the decision to say, "I don't think -I- could stay with you through that"; alternatively, if she says, "Yes, I am confident that I'm strong enough to stay through that," it's an easy sign that if she believes in the relationship that strongly, maybe you should too.

I dunno, it's just one idea.

[krogothwolf]

If you really are unsure of everything then I think it would probably be best to explain the whole thing to her. Maybe fully talking it out with her might help explain your own feelings and help give you better perspective.

I think it's only fair you be honest with her and talk to her about it. It's a lot better then leading her on.

I'm sure there is a biology joke to make on this but I'm firing blanks on it.

[Osterbaum]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your post has promted me to clarify a bit. The chances of me ending up having to do the worst imaginable are, atleast for this time around, really slim almost zero. It's not a troop meant for international use and Finland itself is in little risk of war. In the future I might think about applying for peace keeper duties, but that's far away and far from certain.

My fear now, I think has more to do with fear of not actually being with someone I want or being unsure of it. That and possibly regretting my decision later.

e: I talked to her just today infact. This actually prompted me to post here. She felt more sure about her feelings although she was unsure at first. The whole situation actually got kind of turned around since now it's me who isn't at all sure. In any case she did agree with me that the worst thing to do would be to stay together if I didn't want to. The only thing we agreed on though was that I would think about it more and we'd talk about it again in a few days. The talk went cordially and all even if a little sad.

e2: The main problem right now I feel might be my uncertainty. I don't want to stay in a relationship I don't enjoy being in any longer than I have to but I also don't want to end it and wake up the next day immensly regretting my decision.

[krogothwolf]

You know, it kinda sounds like your unsure because you're worried something else out there might be better. You want to be in a relationship but you're scared you'll end up with the wrong person. Like, you're scared to be alone and scared to be committed in fear of missing something better.

[bluestarultor]

Never settle. It's not good for either party. It's not good for you because it's something you don't really want and it's not good for whoever you're settling for because that person will feel it in small, but meaningful ways.

Chemistry is something you either have or don't. Even if you feel chemistry, if the compatibility is bad, then it's not going to hold the relationship up and the chemistry starts to wear off. Compatibility is also something you either have or don't. Compatibility without chemistry is much better suited to friendship.

I speak from experience in that I had a relationship where I felt chemistry, but the compatibility was poor. We didn't fight or anything (we got along famously), but there was just a disconnect in what I felt towards her and how we interacted. I still think she's a great person, but I found myself on the friend ladder because we were expecting different things and I wasn't fulfilling her expectations.

What you need to do is determine what you have and what you don't. If you feel chemistry toward her, you need to make sure it's mutual. If you have chemistry, you have to figure out what the problem is with the compatibility. This is harder, because chemistry is a primal thing you feel and just is, while compatibility is more cognitive and specific, but sometimes just as hard to explain because it's not just one thing. You need to think long and hard about what you expect from her out of your relationship and if she fits that image. It would be best if you asked her to do the same in a way that lets her know you want to know if it's going to work for both of your sakes. Think hard about it and make a list as things come to mind. When you both feel your lists are complete, compare them and see if they match up on the things that concern both of you and honestly discuss whether you both feel you can meet each other's expectations. If things don't match up, you need to accept that. Nobody is really going to change for another person. It just doesn't work that way. Change takes place over time, not over people.

If you feel that kind of direct route would put her off, suggest just being friends for a while and better getting to know each other. That way you're not chaining each other down for the duration of your military service. Tell her honestly how you feel about it and that you really want to work it out, and that it's not that you don't like her, but you want to be sure of your own feelings for both your sakes. Being friends frees you both up from making a serious commitment and lets you have fun together while you figure things out. It also lets your relationship grow naturally without binding you to subconscious role expectations. If you find yourself driving her around while you're friends, it's an extra thing pulled from a higher level, just as an example. If you're dating and you're not driving her around when she needs it, you're failing in a duty. Start at the lowest level and see what you're already willing to do from higher levels before you move up to them. Then when you do move up, it's an affirmation that you were already there.

Working up like that lets you examine just how far you're really willing to go when no one's pressuring you, which is as honest an approach as I can think of.

[pochercoaster]

^That... that contains so much pop psychology it makes my brain hurt... Sorry blues >_>

I'm going to echo Krogo here and say it sounds like you're worried about passing up future opportunities. I don't have much advice beyond that as I don't feel I can properly judge a situation unless I personally know the people involved.

Just out of curiosity, how long will you be in service, and how frequently do you get time off?

I was kind of in a similar situation as you, except there was no impending military service. It was at a shitty point in my life, though, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I just went with it and it turned out to be a good decision. Our barrier was long distance- however, we both happen to be really stubborn fucks and wouldn't give it up. We were both also kind of at a turning point in our lives so we didn't really care about any other opportunities that came up cause we were already seizing one.

Edit: This really doesn't need to be stated but trying to analyze all your different traits and such to determine compatibility is useless. People are too complex to be distilled into a list. I mean that's what internet memes are. You can think and think and try to figure out if this person is "the one" but ultimately it boils down to two people who are willing to compromise with each other. Obviously you can dismiss someone based on glaring personality flaws, like a cocaine habit or something, but if you already started going out then chances are the major barriers in your relationship aren't going to be ones that show up on a list.

Edit 2: Also I wouldn't say it's pathetic to ask for advice, it's not like you have to follow it or anything. Sometimes you just need to brainstorm.

[Osterbaum]

krogo has a point. But so does blues, pop pshycology or no. I apreciate the replies I have gotten.

e: Service lasts till april and in theory I get every week end off, in practice propably one in two weekends.

[TIME BOMB]

if youve only been dating this girl for a couple months you shouldnt worry about it too much. That isnt time enough to really get to know someone that well and you would probably be better off not being exclusive and enjoy being young and dating around. Especialy if youre already having doubts this early on.

[bluestarultor]

Originally Posted by pocheros

^That... that contains so much pop psychology it makes my brain hurt... Sorry blues >_>

I'm going to echo Krogo here and say it sounds like you're worried about passing up future opportunities. I don't have much advice beyond that as I don't feel I can properly judge a situation unless I personally know the people involved.

Just out of curiosity, how long will you be in service, and how frequently do you get time off?

I was kind of in a similar situation as you, except there was no impending military service. It was at a shitty point in my life, though, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I just went with it and it turned out to be a good decision. Our barrier was long distance- however, we both happen to be really stubborn fucks and wouldn't give it up. We were both also kind of at a turning point in our lives so we didn't really care about any other opportunities that came up cause we were already seizing one.

Edit: This really doesn't need to be stated but trying to analyze all your different traits and such to determine compatibility is useless. People are too complex to be distilled into a list. I mean that's what internet memes are. You can think and think and try to figure out if this person is "the one" but ultimately it boils down to two people who are willing to compromise with each other. Obviously you can dismiss someone based on glaring personality flaws, like a cocaine habit or something, but if you already started going out then chances are the major barriers in your relationship aren't going to be ones that show up on a list.

Edit 2: Also I wouldn't say it's pathetic to ask for advice, it's not like you have to follow it or anything. Sometimes you just need to brainstorm.

I... wasn't really trying?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that having chemistry is a good way to start a relationship, but it has to be more than that. The two parties have to "work" together well enough that the relationship works out. Relationships are built on fulfilled expectations. A guy is going to expect certain things from a potential wife and vice versa. Maybe he expects her to manage the bank account, maybe she expects him to do it. If nobody ends up doing it, there's conflict.

When I said compatibility, I didn't mean some mumbo-jumbo "I'm a Virgo" thing as much as "this is what I expect you to bring to the relationship." Whether that's romantic dinners on the weekend or transportation or spontaneous gifts or playing Halo together or fantastic sex varies between different people.