Figure we need a proper joke thread

[Muere Enano]

You?re probably right. Their culture heroes have dignity.

Here's a Cuban joke.

It was the 25th anniversary of the Revolution, and Fidel was raring and champing at the bit at the excuse to deliver one of his marathon speeches (fact: the man holds a record for one of the longest speeches delivered to the UN General Assembly, clocking over four hours). He mounts the podium to find the normal sea of people waiting expectantly, knowing they were probably going to be there past dinner. Fidel takes a deep breath and is just about to launch into the grandiose opening he'd laid out weeks before when a flat voice calls out,

'COCO Y PINA.'

A streetseller on the side of the plaza, selling coconuts and pinapples. Fidel is flabbergasted, but quickly decides that it was accidental, and is just about to rebound when

'COCO Y PINA!'

Face flushing, he stumbles and tries again but the crazy and obviously suicidal idiot insists

'COCO Y PINA.'

'Listen... you.' Fidel grates, each word falling like an iron nail. 'If you say Coco y Pi?a one more time, I swear I'm going to haul you up and kick your ass so hard it's going to send you flying all the way to Miami.'

All at once the entire crowd starts screaming,

'COCO Y PINA!!! COCO Y PINA!!! COCO Y PINA!!!'

[Amake]

Det var tv? bagare och en smet.

En m?lare m?lade ett staket och det var vittsen.

Internerna p? Kumla f?r inte ha akvarium i 500-litersklassen eftersom de rymmer f?r mycket.

Katt ?t lampa, l?s i magen.

If you spoke Swedish, you'd be rolling on the floor by now. Just had to get some of that off my chest.

So anyway, it was a dark and stormy night and in a damp little hospital a very long way from honor and decency a young woman was having a baby. This is a seriously fucked up story so keep reading at your discretion, I'm just going to spoiler the whole thing.She was alone in the room for some reason, a stainless steel room with a high window like in a prison, where the sharp dead light of the flickering fluorescent tubes competed with the lightning flashing and shining in.

The woman, little more than a child herself, cried for help, unable to hear anyone or anything past the thunder. She laid on a cold steel slab usually reserved for autopsies, and they had neglected to give her as much as a blanket, and she was bleeding and she was lonely and she wondered where the doctor was. The father was dead as Hell, in the same car crash that had brought her to this sorry excuse for a house of healing, and there was likely no one else in the vicinity, let alone anyone who could need medical attention, let along anyone who could need it more than her.

She thought of the father, briefly, and her heart ached as she remembered his warm laugh, his strong hands, his chest tearing like a ripe pumpkin when the steering wheel dug into it. Had she been hurt at all? Maybe she had hit her head. She couldn't remember, and she couldn't feel anything other than the life trying to be born from her. Something torn between her legs, and she could feel warm blood pooling under her back, and she screamed and wriggled, trying to free herself from the stupid fucking stirrups holding her feet up.

Precisely at the moment of her lowest despair, the dector came through the door, dressed in immaculate scrubs and attended by two nurses and a seasoned, heavyset midwife. She cried in relief, but it was short-lived.

Due to her youth, the doctor told her, the delivery was going to be difficult. The girl drifted out of time and space, lost in a haze of red hot pain, people pushing and pulling her every which way, screams, cold metal burrowing deep inside her, and great big splashes of blood up the walls.

Eventually, she came to her senses in complete darkness and utter quiet. She was resting on soft comforters, in deep layers of blankets, and for a long, suspended moment she laid still, exhausted but content; weak but safe. And she had her baby!

"Where is my baby?" she wondered, aloud, and was answered by a sudden bolt of lightning. In its deafening boom the room was illuminated, and she saw one of the nurses standing under the window, with the baby in her arms.

For no particular reason, the lights in the ceiling came back on.

"Hey, give me my baby", said the woman, softly. The nurse said nothing, and did not move.

"Did you hear me? is my baby alright? Let me see her. Or him?' She tried to sound strong, confident and eager but she could barely hold her head up, let alone raise her voice.

"It's a boy", said the nurse, as another bolt of lightning struck. "Come and get him."

"Come again?"

"I said, come and get your boy."

"What, what do you mean?" the woman asked, her voice cracking. "I can't get, I can't stand up."

"Come over here and take your boy", said the nurse, carefully pronouncing each word as her voice slowly climbed to a cruel peak, "or I will break every bone in his body."

A newborn baby has over three hundred soft, cartilageous bones. Its tiny femur broke with a wet crunching sound as the nurse bent it in her strong hands. The baby was quiet, much too quiet, unlike the mother.

The mother howled madly and twisted herself so violently that she fell off the slab, onto the plain concrete floor. The many blankets around her softened the impact somewhat, but still a thick lance of pain shot through the length of her body and she clutched her belly and tried to scream, unable to make a sound. Already her hands were covered in blood, and they left a pair of tracks on the floor as she turned over to face the nurse.

"You evil, crazy, shifty-eyed whore", the woman said, brilliant in her fury, "you worthless piece of shit excuse for a girl, give me my baby before I tear your intestines out with my teeth and feed them to you till you choke on your shit." She crawled, as she spoke, an endlessly slow journey across the floor, every movement a new, unexplored continent of pain as the trail of blood flowing from the ruin of her womb grew wider.

And for every two or three steps the woman took, the nurse would break another of the boy's bones. His finger bones went easily, crushed beyond all hope of repair. The nurse touched the soft spot in his skull, ever so lightly, with her tongue, and twisted his nose and his arms and his jaw. Every one of the horrible sounds drove into the woman's heart like an iron nail, drove into her mind until all the arguments against insanity fell away and she started babbling, blubbering, whining then like a dog and then like a baby, and on occasion she would spit the blood out of her mouth and unload a string of curses so searing, so filthy, so unimaginably obscene that the nurse, even in her madness, almost turned and ran away.

And eventually, after a thousand years and a thousand thousand miles, the woman grabbed the legs of the nurse and hoisted herself up on her knees. In a voice perfectly balanced between desperate begging and godlike command, between clenched teeth she said, "give me my baby."

And the nurse threw the ragdoll shape in her face and shouted, bright and brittle and bubbling with laughter, "Psych! He was stillborn!"

[Fenris]

Dude IQ that's one million different shades of terrible and not funny and just plain wrong and oh my god don't ever fucking do anything like that again.

[Carade]

I'm going to laugh my way to hell.

Thanks IQ.

[phil_]

Dude, Fenry, I read Sphere and Hideaway this weekend. IQ's jank is pretty much on the same level as throw-away adult literature. My beef is that it just wasn't a good punchline.

On the other hand, I take it that actually funny dead baby jokes are also off-limits? What if I started a thread about the cops who shot a seven-year old in her bed last Sunday because they wanted to look cool on TV? Is that ok? It's equally ridiculous with the bonus of being true. The punchline is about as good as IQ's, though, so maybe that shouldn't fly.

[POS Industries]

It's the drawn out amount of graphic detail involved. At a certain point it basically stops being funny and starts being gross, to the point that the half-hearted attempt a punchline at the end doesn't really do anything to improve the comedic value.

And on the whole it's just a bit more inappropriate in terms of content insofar as the we'd prefer to present, I guess. The spoiler-texting is appreciated, of course, but really on the whole it's just not the direction we'd like to take things.

Hope that clears things up.

[Fenris]

I mean I don't really mind dead baby jokes, but dead baby speeches are like just too much dead baby in one sitting for anything ever.

Like, that's just way way way way way too morbid for a thread where people are rightfully expecting funny things to be said.

(And yes, the spoiler tags are greatly appreciated. Gonna replace them with a swap tag though, same effect.)

e:

Originally Posted by POS Industries

It's the drawn out amount of graphic detail involved. At a certain point it basically stops being funny and starts being gross, to the point that the half-hearted attempt a punchline at the end doesn't really do anything to improve the comedic value.

And on the whole it's just a bit more inappropriate in terms of content insofar as the we'd prefer to present, I guess. The spoiler-texting is appreciated, of course, but really on the whole it's just not the direction we'd like to take things.

Hope that clears things up.

Yeah, I mean there's "crosses the line a bit funny," and there's "so far out there that it crosses the line again funny," but this is like "crosses the line, and builds a goddamn castle and makes a moat around that castle exactly halfway to crossing the line to being funny again not funny."

[Archbio]

It's not like regular shaggy dog stories are actually funny to begin with!

[Nique]

I was walking down the street looking for a hotel, and saw a classy lady so I thought I'd ask for directions. I said, "Do you know if there's somewhere to sleep around here?" I immediately realized this was a bad move on my part, being dressed in rags and my skin not covered in any substantial amount of glossy shit.
She looked down her nose so hard I thought she'd break her jaw as she said, "I am the Duchess of Northampton, Lady Catherine Giselda Tiberia Alianora Goodchild, wife of the celebrated neurosurgeon doctor Charles Atlas Goodchild, fidecommisar of no less than seventeen castles and founder of the fourth greatest public school of the land, and I. KNOW. NOTHING!"

I don't get it. I mean, I might get it? Probably not.

[Terex4]

The duchess was answering his question with I. KNOW. NOTHING. but the way it sounds is "I'm wealthy and powerful and do great things but I don't know shit."