A History of the Nuklear Power Forums, Written by Solid Snake

[Solid Snake]

Chapter One: Let There Be Light
On November 17th, 2003, Kurosen establishes order, and Shiney is the first to enter the pages of history.

Before the beginning, there was only the void.

While past iterations of the "Nuklear Power Forums" undoubtedly existed and quite possibly flourished prior to the date of November 17th, 2003, the earliest written archives of the Nuklear Power civilization trace its founding to this illustrious date. Prior to November 17th, the world of the "internet" was undoubtedly a dark and desolate place, home to barbaric warlords (who worshipped grotesque acts of violence and overt displays of wanton sexuality.)*

The story of civilization as we know it begins with the single most prominent being in Nuklear Power's history, a legend so extraordinary in its origins that much of the narrative must be considered fictitious mythology. We begin with the deity Kurosen, God of Eight Bit Webcomics, Savior of the Internet, Creator of All That is Good and Holy and Pure, the Righteous Leader of the Intelligent and Noble.**

According to prehistorical legend, prior to the creation of the Nuklear Power Forums, Kurosen was a young and gifted storyteller who hailed from a small tribe in the era of the height of Clan Porn. Yet his small cave-dwelling tribe resisted the temptations to merely raze and pillage the world of the internet; Kurosen had apparently been raised by a family who believed the world could be used for something greater, something useful, and something profound. The earliest legends of Kurosen's rise to power chronicle his struggles against overwhelming odds.***

Kurosen's illustrious ideals were first laid forth for humanity to peruse on the tablets of "8-Bit Theater." These extraordinary works of dark comedy and insightful satire inspired a number of Clan Porn's former adherents to swear allegiance to his cause. Slowly but surely, Kurosen began to wrest away control of the world of the Internet to a devoted band of his followers, building perhaps the world's first civilized empire. After several conquests, he christened the land "Nuklear Power" and organized his followers into productive communities. Once the people settled into distinct territories, the practices of agriculture and architecture began. The people no longer lived in degrading caves, yet resided in houses built from wood and bricks. Most importantly, the people's daily lives were restructured around a worship of Kurosen as Lord; sacrifices were laid before his altars daily, and the coffers of Kurosen's palaces swelled with the donations, purchases and support of his loving admirers.

Kurosen may have been an incredible leader, but his true gifts did not fall in the realm of daily administration. Kurosen was committed to his storytelling, perhaps at the expense of governing Nuklear Power. To maintain his burgeoning empire, Kurosen needed to designate a small but loyal band of noble followers to enforce his principles. He called these individuals "Moderators." Some moderators were aggressive and militaristic, perhaps chosen due to their ability to fend off brazen attacks from barbarians who still claimed adherence to the unethical practices of Clan Porn; others were kind and sensible rulers, who sought to build enduring relations with the people.****

The very first written account that exists from this archaic era of the spear, sword and bow was written by one such Moderator. On November 17th, 2003, the very first voice from the annals of history was recorded for the sake of posterity.

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=1

As an apologetic creed, "It Had to Happen," written by Shiney, seems self-explanatory. Shiney's text is written as a justification of Kurosen's rule, and was likely written to honor his God. Shiney, one of the earliest and most hallowed of Moderators, begins the earliest text of civilization in a way fitting for the religious people of Nuklear Power in 2003, by noting that a prophecy had been fulfilled:

"And somehow you knew it would be me." The very first lines ever written conveyed a poignancy, an emotional catharsis, a spiritual enlightenment: Shiney is declaring that through his faith in the deity of Kurosen, he has risen from humble beginnings to a position of respectability. Through his Nuklear Power citizenship, Shiney has become someone greater: he is no longer a mere slave to Clan Porn, no longer a "spam nazi."*****

"Once spam freak, turned spam nazi, turned reformed spam nazi who just posts. Yay." Here, Shiney's declaratory shout of triumph is both literal (a personal recognition of his own metamorphosis) and figurative (a spiritual recognition that all Nuklear Power forumites had likewise been saved by Kurosen's creation of civilization.) This redemptive theme, a hallmark of the ancient forms of Kurosen worship, is sprinkled throughout Shiney's work.

Nonetheless, the civilization of Nuklear Power is still a new and entirely untested entity, and its people are still flawed and undergoing a lengthy process of maturation. Shiney is not exempt. In his first writing, Shiney continues: "Allow me to christen these new forums...with complaints!" This surely was an illustrative example of humanity's inevitable shortcomings; regardless of the gifts granted by the loving, compassionate deity Kurosen, the people of Nuklear Power remained sinful and unappreciative. Perhaps Shiney's post reveals an unforgettable truth of the inadequacy of human nature. Shiney nitpicks the presumed shortcomings of his God, showing a disturbing lack of tact and grace. Civilization itself was bestowed among people like Shiney, in the days of yore; yet Shiney concentrated on those tiny imperfections that seemed beyond Kurosen's benevolent grasp.

However, Shiney retains enough of his kingly nobility as a newly christened to redeem himself later in his musings: "Good to see a forum hosted on a predictably stable server."******

Shiney concludes: "Nonetheless, I suppose being as I own the first post, and I'm supposed to be a mod, I should really make my presence more known about the nukie 8bit communitah." (Here Shiney is referencing the Nuklear Power Forums, albeit doing so in virtually indecipherable slang.)

Following the conclusion of Shiney's narrative, written perhaps as an allegory to the human condition of Kurosen's loyal subjects, a correspondence develops among a number of Moderators (perhaps struggling over the true boundaries of their newly designated powers as Kings over the land.) From these records, ancient personalities arise to the forefront: Viper Daimao, Drooling Iguana, Mike McC, Fuitad, and the long-deceased Tulip Toes.

Writings from this date show all the people of Nuklear Power collectively testing their abilities, and initiating awkward and perfunctory conversation over minor issues, perhaps still in awe or fright of the sheer unyielding power of Kurosen, or perhaps due to their inability to understand their purpose as a Nuklear Power forumite. Yet from these inauspicious beginnings, the people of Nuklear Power would arise to write their own destinies. Empires would rise and empires would fall; barbarians would threaten their villages and the Moderators would be compelled to respond with force; debates in political theory would divide the people, yet a common love of Kurosen and his works would bring them back together.

This history seeks to uncover the evidence of ancient times from the archives, and craft a compelling narrative from their hallowed origins. It is from these archives that we can truly understand who we are, where we've come from, and who we're destined to become.

Kurosen stood upon the ashes of a moribund Internet, sword and shield in hand, and screamed "Let there be light!"
And the light of a new era washed upon us.
And it was good.


*In fact, prior to the creation of the Nuklear Power Forums, most historians have agreed that approximately 90% of the known world was dominated by tribes of the Clan Porn; their founder, a mythological being known as "Hugh Hefner," can be reconstructed from legends who reference his exceptional carnal prowess. A select minority of scholars have concluded that Clan Porn predated the rise of the Warlord Hefner, yet virtually all historians agree that under Hefner, the Clan expanded dramatically. In the years before our Lord Kurosen rose into prominence as a beloved deity, the banners of Clan Porn supposedly dominated the four corners of the globe. Yet this Clan's activities could hardly be called civilized; indeed, Clan Porn was a disorganized morass of sin and debauchery. Some citizens of the Nuklear Power Forums look back nostalgically on the days when the archaic Clan Porn ruled, citing these times as simple and beautiful; others look down with scorn upon the past of prehistory, citing the tribe's inability to communicate and its unrealistically idealistic approach to existence as reasons for its downfall. Regardless, no written text from the era of Clan Porn exists; we know of its heritage only due to the many monuments it has left behind, marking its territory in its traditionally sensationalist manner.

**Although this is his full title, we'll just call him "Kurosen" for short.

***These fables are more appropriately found in the epic poems of ancient writers than in a factual historical account such as this one. Certainly, most of the legends have been embellished by Kurosen's fanatical band of worshippers and spiritual adherents. However, several undeniable facts can be attributed to the person of Kurosen from the myths. First and foremost, Kurosen was a bold and innovative leader; the legend of "Kurosen and the Dragons of Florida" records him outsmarting several scaled dragons in an effort to win the affections of the goddess Mashirosen. The legend "Kurosen and the Bandits of Orlando" features him single-handedly battling hordes of petty thieves who sought to steal his property. Perhaps the greatest legend of all highlights Kurosen's compassion and his love of all beings; he is said to have risked his life and livelihood to care for several felines, establishing that all his followers should care for lesser creatures. (Or, alternatively, establishing that even deities ranked below household cats in the pecking order of the universe.)

****In fact, though the identities of moderators and the concentration of power amongst them has changed dramatically over the years, the institution of the Moderator still flourishes to this very day.

*****A "spam freak," then and now, refers to one of the lowest and most degrading forms of a common criminal. In a form true to a spiritual enlightenment, Shiney tells his tale of redemption from the lowest of possible upbringings.

******Although these terms are still used commonly today, just to refresh your memory: The "forum" refers to the world, or at least the civilized world of Nuklear Power, and the residents who collectively populate it. The "server" Shiney references here includes the administrative laws and technicalities Kurosen and his fellow Moderators enacted to maintain peace throughout the realm. Here, Shiney is praising the stability fostered through following Kurosen's principles, a stability sorely lacking in the world formerly dominated by the barbarians of Clan Porn.

[Aldurin]

First reply!!

But seriously, where do we get to the part where I come in?

[Si Civa]

Only the ruling class can write true history and the ruling class in the forums are mods and admins. Thus logically Solid Snake should be promoted to modhood.

:|

[Meister]

Originally Posted by EvilEarl

First reply!!

You do know that literally the only reason "no firstposting" is a Brian's Projects subforum rule rather than a global one is because so far it's never come up outside of that subforum, right?

In short: don't.

[Solid Snake]

Originally Posted by Si Civa

Only the ruling class can write true history and the ruling class in the forums are mods and admins.

Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.

[Terex4]

Originally Posted by Meister

You do know that literally the only reason "no firstposting" is a Brian's Projects subforum rule rather than a global one is because so far it's never come up outside of that subforum, right?

In short: don't.

I suppose posting in an epic thread is out too?

Originally Posted by Si Civa

Only the ruling class can write true history and the ruling class in the forums are mods and admins. Thus logically Solid Snake should be promoted to modhood.

Originally Posted by Solid Snake

Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.

Besides that, Solid tends to write lengthy posts with big words, no one worth banning or infracting would know he was doing it.

Publish it and have your descendants charged with seeing if it becomes an actual religion in a couple hundred years.

[Aldurin]

Originally Posted by Meister

You do know that literally the only reason "no firstposting" is a Brian's Projects subforum rule rather than a global one is because so far it's never come up outside of that subforum, right?

In short: don't.

It's everybody else's fault for not posting before me.

I'm actually further intrigued by these "Clan Porn" tribes. I in fact know of a desolate community that still wallows in some of those practices and has written records back to 1998. They were not drawn in by a work of art crafted from the principles of the eternal concept of "rpg" but in fact were drawn in by a subset of the rpg concept. They take their worship semi-seriously on a good day but mostly talk about ducks and one of their favorite members. Few of them know of "8-bit theater" but are generally unaware of this amazing realm.

Solid, do you think it's possible for Clan Porn remnants to be stuck halfway through reform and doomed to stay that way?

[Si Civa]

Originally Posted by Solid Snake

Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.

Ah, but as part as the common folk, the proletariat, you are deemed to have bias of some sort against our glorious ruling class, who have done nothing wrong in their long and worshipped existence.

And we, the ordinary kind, are not worthy enough to say word against our masters and princes of universe. We are mere hobbits to their Valar.

[Amake]

I lol'd.

To nitpick, I think you meant "but resided in houses built from wood and bricks", not "yet".

However, the most important part of this history I think is the word "Nukie". I move we make that the official term for citizens of NPF with all haste.

[Solid Snake]

Originally Posted by Invisible Queen

To nitpick, I think you meant "butresided in houses built from wood and bricks", not "yet".

It appears that you and Shiney have much in common.