Files from the Batcomputer (aka Batgirl's EMS Stories)

[batgirl]

Originally Posted by Sir Pinkleton

Have you ever flipped out, on co-worker or patient, before?

Probably and yes. I do get annoyed with my co-workers and probably tell them to shut up, but nothing really crazy comes to mind. The guy I usually work with, Steve, and most of my other partners have been great.

I flipped out at a patient once. She was a psych patient who was schizophrenic and delusional, but she did know what she was doing and was completely aware of the events around her. She decided to make our lives as difficult as possible by cursing and screaming at the top of her lungs and trying to get out of the stretcher. I let her carry on for 33 miles since antagonizing her would just make it worse. She had kicked off her blanket and was stripping naked as we pulled in so I strapped her down and put the blanket back on. As I was strapping her she managed to get a foot free and kick me in the chest hard. I sternly told her to stop but she just spat at me. I strapped her down again and as I turned to get out of the truck she twists her foot free (god knows how since I strapped her down hard) and boots me in the ass.

I pretty much turned around and sat on her legs. I look at her straight in the eye and said, "there are two ways we can do this, the easy way or my way. The easy way involves me getting up and you going into that facility with your dignity intact. My way involves me sitting here until security comes out and I put you in restraints or I'll just sit on you the whole time until we're in the facility. The choice is yours." She looks at me and nods for me to get up. As I get up she starts to spit at me again so I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her mouth, tying it at the back of her head. I then get really close to her and say, "I tried being nice, but now you've just pushed me. If I even see your hands move an inch to touch that towel, you will be going into this facility in handcuffs and I will make damned sure you spend the night in the padded restraint room." I was pretty much shaking with anger at this point and she saw that, so she stopped and behaved herself until we got her into the facility.

As she was being interviewed by the psychiatrist, I had gotten a pair of restraints from security just in case. The psychiatrist was talking very nicely to her, when she suddenly punched her in the chest. My partner tried to get her arm and she scratched him so he bled. We managed to wrestle her down on the facility stretcher and tied her up. She then tried to kick again so I planted myself right down onto her legs again and sat there until they gave her enough haldol to knock her out.

[Riin Whitewind]

I enjoy your stories, Batgirl. They're entertaining and empathetic.

But they're very pointed reminders of why I didn't go into practicing medicine. I don't have the generosity that you do when dealing with patients (or co-workers).

I'm very impressed.

[CABAL49]

Originally Posted by Riin Whitewind

I'm very impressed.

I am impressed with Yuko Ota and therefore your avatar!

But yeah, I have no patience when it comes to people. And I feel sorry for any EMT who ends up with me. I've been told I am not a very graceful patient, especially when medicated.

[Moogle0119]

Damn your stories are really good, but they also remind me why I'll never switch over to the ambulance side of the fire house. I've run quite a few EMS calls in the last 1 1/2 years working on the fire engine but I'm glad I don't have to deal with patients for too long (usually just long enough for the ambulance/medic to show up for transport). Despite those shitty patients I know it's hard to maintain your concern for patients even when it is bullshit or they're exaggerating their sickness but thats also the last thing you want to happen. Keep up the good work!

[batgirl]

For some reason, ever since I started this blog/post/thread thing, my patients have been getting friskier. Really, I haven't had this much excitement in a while, but I guess it's someone's way of making sure I have interesting or funny things to write about.

Sometimes all you can do is Laugh

The day is going alright, nothing out of the ordinary really. My second patient of the day told me I was pretty and asked me to make him some fried chicken, and a man with a clogged catheter kept grabbing and massaging his penis in pain, but really that was par for the course.

It was nearing the end of the day, and I was hoping to get off on time, but no such luck. We get a late discharge that was supposed to be picked up at 430pm (it being 530pm), but we knew we could bust the call out fast, so we wouldn't be so much overtime. My partner goes towards the room and I begin my paperwork. Suddenly my partner frantically gestures at me from down the hall and points as a woman is striding towards me. Immediately I recognize her.

Now, I am all about patient privacy and HIPAA. If someone in an elevator, even a nurse asks me who I'm picking up, I won't tell them. I'll say something like "3rd floor" and leave it at that. If they say "are you picking up so and so?" I'll usually say no, even if we are, so that privacy remains intact. I cover all my paperwork and I keep everything in front of me so no one can see. After all, you wouldn't want strangers to know your business. Two big pet peeves of mine are nosy people who ask too many questions and people who look over my shoulder while I'm working. I'm trying to concentrate on reading paperwork and deciphering doctor handwriting (which is akin to hieroglyphics written with someone's feet), the last thing I need or want is someone hovering over me.

The lady in question had committed two of my pet peeves. While I was picking up a different patient off the same floor, she tried to grill me for information on who I was picking up. She told me a name, and I had said no (which was true at the time), but she would not stop asking me questions. "What room is this person in? Is it a man or a woman? What disease do they have?" She then walks away only to turn around a minute later to try and leer over my shoulder at the paperwork, to which I give her a death glare and kindly ask her to give me some space. My partner is gesturing at me frantically to tell me that this woman is in fact, our patient's wife. Thankfully she walks by without much fuss other than a "I knew I'd see you again."

Now, I'm already in a bad mood of sorts due to getting this overtime job. While most people would say that overtime = money, after working 10 straight hours at my job, I'd rather get off on time, eat dinner and relax before going to bed. I put on my best "holy crap am I happy to be dragging your half dead ass to the cesspool that you call a nursing home" smile and walk into the room.

Me: *waves*
DM: Dementia Man

Me: "Hi sir, how are you today?" *smile smile*
DM: "Call me Sarge. I served under Patton in '44 but I was only 18, so I didn't know what to do with the mademoiselles."
Me: "Uh...ok." *smile faltering*
DM: "What's your name?"
Me: "Ariella."
DM: "That's very pretty, you're a very pretty girl. Do you like Greek men?"
Me: "Uh..."
DM: "Are you married?"
Me: "I have a boyfriend."
DM: "Tell him I'm handsome and rich, because I am."

So now I'm officially weirded out, since he's trying to flirt with me while fiddling with his blood/urine filled foley catheter tube,but not overly so. We move him over to the stretcher and he keeps blabbing on about being a dancer and all sorts of stuff. I smile and nod, thinking about the DNR that I will sign in a few decades to make sure I get the plug pulled before I get this badly demented. We start our drive and he comments about the smooth ride, so I figure I'm out of the woods. Oh silly me.

He turns to me and asks me if I'm Greek. I say no, to which he replies with, "you must be Italian, Italian girls are wild," and then proceeds to tell me, in GRAPHIC DETAIL, the experience he had during "the war" with an Italian hooker. I sit through it, trying not to imagine a large, sweaty, hairy, Greek man and an equally large, sweaty and hairy Italian hooker doing the nasty (no offense to the Greeks and Italians here) when I hear a noise. I immediately think "fart," and dismiss it until the man looks at me, full grin on his face and says, "I farted." I smile and say it's ok, only to hear, "too late, I pooped myself too."

The smell assaults me instantly, my nostrils burning and my eyes watering. I can take smells to be sure, but whatever hospital food this man had ingested over the course of the week had all come out at once in a bouquet that I could only describe as "hungover bathroom smell mixed with old cheese." I look to the heavens and ask whatever deity up there to give me the lung capacity to hold my breath for the next five miles.

When the second fart hits, and I just have to laugh.

[krogothwolf]

At least he was proud he farted lol.

[batgirl]

But I have an Emergency too!

Lately I've been partnered up with a Paramedic, M, who is very experienced and has been at our company forever. She is a wonderful person who teaches me all sorts of interesting medical tidbits and shows me how Paramedics work and how I can help her more. We get along really well since she and I have similar ways of handling situations, especially with asshats.

It's Monday afternoon and our day is winding down. We were sent to grab an emergency out of an assisted living for general sickness and abdominal pain. Nothing major, so I took the call and she drove (patient didn't need an IV or a monitor, so I worked it instead). There wasn't a dire sense of urgency to the call, but we wanted to get the nice elderly patient to the ER as soon as we could so she could be made comfortable and start getting care. The hospital we were going to was undergoing construction and as such there was only small alley sized lane to get to the emergency rooms for the ambulances. There were many roads and ways to get to the general parking lot though, so visitors and staff would use those to park, and we would use the small enclosed lane for emergencies (we were initially afraid of some bottlenecking due to many ambulances, but the hospital wasn't too busy so it hasn't happened yet).

We start pulling into the lane, and we see a car up ahead. Not a big deal, since sometimes cars go the wrong way and there is a way to get to the parking lot through the lane. As we got close to the car, we realized that the man inside was PARKING the car in the middle of the lane. Now, while this was an older man (probably mid to late 60s) there were large red and yellow signs indicating that this was an ambulance area only. The man had his wife in the passenger seat and started to leave the car to walk into the Hyperbaric clinic next door to the ER (a hyperbaric chamber is a tube that people lie in and get 100% pure oxygen pumped into it to help promote healing and skin growth- very useful for healing wounds and burns quicker). M gets out of the truck to get the man to move his car since our patient is visibly in pain. A minute or two passed and I see her coming out looking very flustered with the man ranting behind her. Apparently this is what happened.

M: Excuse me sir, we need you to move your car.
Old Man: Why?
M: Well this is the only access for ambulances and we have an emergency.
OM: *gesturing wildly and raising his voice* WELL I HAVE AN EMERGENCY TOO!
M: What could be emergent about the hyperbaric clinic?
OM: *flailing his arms* I HAVE TO CHECK AN APPOINTMENT! WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION ME? *rawr*
M: Sir you need to move your car right now, you're parked illegally I have a patient in pain.
OM: I'm not doing anything you dumb bitch, I couldn't give two shits.
M: Move now or I call the cops.

Apparently she whipped out her cell phone and began dialing and the man finally said yes. He then ranted and screamed at her as they exited the clinic. As he started to go into his car, he turned to us and gave us the finger. He then pretty much burned rubber out of the area, his wife with her head down the whole time.

[Madcow9000]

I love the elderly.

No wait, scratch that. I hate them. Like a good 90% of them. I'm sure there are the nice old men and nice old ladies out there but I've never met one.

[BitVyper]

Yeah, actually pulling out a phone and calling the cops usually works pretty good for getting rid of people. I've had to do that while delivering in some of the bad areas of town before.

[Nikose Tyris]

I love reading these. I rarely comment but it's like reading notalwaysright, it's just satisfying in some way.