I feel so trapped

[Aerozord]

I don't expect any good to come of this. I'm just using the forum as, well a forum for me to vent about whats spiraled my depression worse than normal. Most other outlets people that know me in real life see and I'd rather not bother them with such things. I just thought the act of writing it out like this might help. I do not expect solutions, nor am I asking for any. Sure if it was as simple as asking then I wouldn't have much of an issue to start with.

At the moment my life is thus. I live at home, and its not the most healthy environment. I'm insulted, belittled, and have to deal with an unhealthy amount of alcohol. Actual threats against me are rare as long as I dont defend myself against any verbal abuse and continue to not slight anyone. Its not all bad, I've dealt with far worse when I was far younger.

I do have a job, its horrible and I can barely maintain it. If I call in sick one more time I'm fired for example. Typically I wake up, go to work, come home at around 11:30pm then I relax for abit before I need to go to bed again. I make around 800 a month, 500 of which goes to paying off my loans. My student loans are especially bad, rest is for my car which I needed after my last one got t-boned. To this day I think its a cruel twist of fate my car was smashed but I didn't even get a bruise.

The rest goes to cellphone, insurance, gas, ect. I get abit of spending money but put most into my savings in case I lose my job. So I still try to be very frugal. I almost never leave the house, my family gives me crackers so I have something to eat at lunch. I've had to ration my snacks lately though, down to one cereal bar.

Enduring this in and of itself isn't so bad. As I said I used to deal with alot worse, the difference is back then I still had hope. I was told I was smart, gifted, that I could do something with my life. So I endured life, "today was horrible but someday it will get better." This was my mantra. Reality doesn't work like that.

I can't succeed in college, even if I did I'd be further in debt and its unlikely I'd get a job. Unskilled as I am my paltry pay and hours is the best I can hope for. However even working this job for 10 years I will still be in debt and too poor to support myself. I do not qualify for any government aid. My family will not assist me beyond not abandoning me in the street. My poor health even disqualifies me from selling my life to the military. Even too much of a coward to put myself out of my misery or take risks where thats likely. And as tempting as it is I can't bring myself to commit crime or even dull myself with narcotics.

There is just no way out of this. There is no way this will ever get better. All I can do is put up with it and continue to pray that my life will be short. Though I'm not so lucky, I probably have a good 40 years to suffer.

This is not a cry for attention, or help, and I am sorry if this is a downer. Writing all this is just my way of trying to come to terms with my reality. I wonder if I'd have been better if I accepted this sooner. Was I better naive when I thought I could be happy one day, or did trying to improve my life only make it harder in the long run. I think this was better. Even without my debt I couldn't support myself. Atleast this way I had some time where I could atleast imagine a better life.