This barista is so beautiful it's not even funny. How can I win her heart?!?

[Solid Snake]

So I'm here at the local coffee shop where I've made myself a makeshift office for the past week, because my legal research internship enables me to work from home, but actually working at home would involve absolutely no work and many more distractions (such as my PS3.) Here, by contrast, there should only be the distraction of NPF and its delightful archives (and my presumed duty as NPF Historian) to prevent me from concentrating on reading every nook and cranny of ANILCA, a 250 page statute passed by Congress to protect the Alaskan environment. (It is very long and a very dull read, in large part because Congress apparently has no imagination and repeats itself constantly.)

However I did not anticipate the possibility that today I would be introduced to the most beautiful woman of all time holy crap on a stick this girl is so fucking gorgeous I can't even think straight and she made me my coffee and she's sssssoooo pretty she has the most charming smile and I can't help but stare longingly at her fffffuuuucccckkkkk.

I've utterly misplaced my "Game" somewhere around the time I decided to sacrifice any chance of having a social life by attending law school. Subsequently, I am in desperate need of your assistance, because you're all (probably) as introspective, antisocial and outright awkward as I am when it comes to wooing beautiful women.
How do I accomplish this daring feat? i ordered a coffee from her earlier and was barely even able to put two thoughts together into a coherent sentence (while desperately trying to avoid staring into her beautiful eyes.)

...Should I write her a poem? I could probably write her a quick poem over lunch break.
...But there's no way to print it out. Crap!

Should I go up to the counter and attempt to strike up a conversation? But I just recently ordered a coffee: it's too early for another one. Besides which, there are several other employees working back there and any one of them could respond to my presence. And what exactly do I say? There's nothing I want to order at the moment. Do I just shout "I'd like to go out on a date with you, woman whose name I do not yet know?" Do I attempt to play it cool by announcing to no one in particular that I am a law school student at a fairly well-known law school? "Why, yes, I am in fact planning on becoming a high-paying lawyer, you know, the type who could support a beautiful wife." ...No? ...That wouldn't work?!? FUCK!

Would a conversation about video games work out? ...No, she doesn't seem the type to play video games. Besides which, a ten-minute long rant about how amazing Persona 4 is (or how terrible Final Fantasy X-2 is) probably would not impress her. In fact, she would probably think I was clinically insane by the time I started comparing Social Links. Or she'd think I was a delusional playa' wannabe when I started referencing how I got away with dating Yukiko and Rise and Chie and Naoto at the same time without any of them being any wiser.

Oooh! I could talk about how much I hate the Twilight series! That way, if she responds with a comment to the effect that she really likes the Twilight series, I'll know that her beauty is just a cheap facade and that she is, in fact, a demonic agent of Satan sent to corrupt this world. Yet, what if she's merely ambivalent towards Twilight?

Maybe I should just play it cool and attempt the classic "keep away from her, but maintain brief spurts of eye contact with her and she how she responds to the attention" routine? ...No. She might wonder why I'd stare but not approach. Or she might think I was a creepy stalker straight out of a horror film.

Crap I haven't witnessed the sight of an angel this drop-dead ethereal in the past year, easily, at least. I have to make a move. I have to. I have to man up and become a real man, I have to do the manly thing and get my flirt on or I'll never swallow this down. I'll never forgive myself for losing this chance. But what do I do, Nuklear Power Forums? You will not meet a human being with less confidence when it comes to casual flirtation than me: I was crafted to handle deep intellectual conversations, but small talk utterly eludes me. I swear this is just torture, absolute torture this isn't even fair, how could a kind and benevolent God do this to me and keep doing it over the course of this past decade.

OH CRAP SHE JUST SMILED AT ME (or at least in my general direction) I JUST WITNESSED THAT

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Bring her some booze, get her drunk, take her under a bridge- bing bang bong, finish the job.

[Solid Snake]

Originally Posted by Smarty McBarrelpants

Bring her some booze, get her drunk, take her under a bridge- bing bang bong, finish the job.

This plan is absolutely brilliant, aside from the part where she probably can't get drunk on the job, and I'd probably get in trouble for even bringing alcohol in here, and I'd probably be arrested after the fact.

Besides, she's the type you can't just have a one-night stand with. She's altogether too beautiful to mistreat like that!

[Premmy]

Brazenness works everytime, get straight to the point:
"I Like you, you're beautiful, wanna hang out?"

[Nikose Tyris]

Do not hit on a girl while she is at work or on shift. It rarely works out. Cross your fingers that her shift ends while you're drinking coffee and while she's walking out, talk to her. She has the ability to say "Oh, I have to get going, I have plans" to get out of things lightly and politely- at work she's (somewhat) awkwardly obliged to deal with you until it bothers her too much and she asks you to leave, which is embarassing for everyone.

And for god's sake if she's not getting off shift within your actual "Sitting and Drinking Coffee" period don't stay longer, you'll be twice as creepy and garuntee a fail.

Edit: Oh I see we're going to give him bad advice?

Clonk her on the head with a club and drag her back to your cave, I hear that option is popular.

[Kim]

Originally Posted by Solid Snake

...Should I write her a poem?

No.

Do I attempt to play it cool by announcing to no one in particular that I am a law school student at a fairly well-known law school?

No.

Would a conversation about video games work out?

No.

Oooh! I could talk about how much I hate the Twilight series!

No.

Maybe I should just play it cool and attempt the classic "keep away from her, but maintain brief spurts of eye contact with her and she how she responds to the attention" routine?

No.

[Solid Snake]

Originally Posted by Nikose Tyris

And for god's sake if she's not getting off shift within your actual "Sitting and Drinking Coffee" period don't stay longer, you'll be twice as creepy and garuntee a fail.

Well that's just the thing, I actually legitimately intended to stay at the coffee shop a good eight hours today (and every other weekday,) but if she has no clue that I'm actually legitimately here doing work for an employer (and if she keeps catching me giving her the pleasant eye) she might erroneously assume I'm here for more nefarious reasons!

But I can't help but stare at her she's actually that pretty

...Damn. Maybe I should leave and find another coffee shop. Or maybe I should give up and cry tears because I will be single and unhappy forever. That's not such a bad plan, really. There's only about sixty or so more years of miserableness I'd have to endure, right?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Originally Posted by Solid Snake

This plan is absolutely brilliant, aside from the part where she probably can't get drunk on the job, and I'd probably get in trouble for even bringing alcohol in here, and I'd probably be arrested after the fact.

Besides, she's the type you can't just have a one-night stand with. She's altogether too beautiful to mistreat like that!

She can drink coffee on the job right? Pour the booze into that. Honestely you have to work with my here.
And if she real beautiful the police will let you off- temporary insanity caused by madness.
You can also keep her under the bridge forever.

If you want some serious advice, just go talk to her- if ou plan shit iut t won't work out. Wait until she's less busy though and don't force it, any sign of hesitation and back away. You could wait until her shift finishes but that is always a dicey prospect.

If you want to stay single forever you need not be sad. I can teach you to overcome your biological urges, your primitive oozing fluids and to become an intellectual titan like myself, constrained by nothign as limiting as emotions or desires.

[Kim]

Forget the barista. Get beer. Throw party. Don't worry about "OMG she's so cute" about any of the chicks that show up, and instead just focus on having fun.

That's my actual advice.

[Solid Snake]

Originally Posted by NonCon

Forget the barista. Get beer. Throw party.

I'd actually have to know a lot of people here to throw a successful party, though.
...Unless I just invited myself and my dog, and I just sat down alone in my room and drank myself into such a stupor that I imagined imaginary friends to hang out with.

NEVER GO TO LAW SCHOOL EVERYONE, YOUR LIFE WILL BECOME THIS DEPRESSING