The Food Thread

[Pip Boy]

So the other day people were like "Dude, we should get one of those fancy ass George Forman Grill Thingies" And I was like "Dude, we totally should get one of those things!"

And then I got one.

Now I need to make something with this bitch. Already broke it in by grilling chicken breasts that were wrapped in bacon. Did you hear that shit? Chicken wrapped in bacon. I didn't even know you could do that. I thought that would violate like the Law of Conservation of Deliciousness or something but apparently it can be done. And it was fucking delicious. We got some crazy ass spicy/sweet asian sauce and dumped it all over. It was like a sweet, spicy, smoky explosion of chicken and bacon.

This is the thread where we talk about preparing food, eating food, crazy stories somehow related to food, and maybe some weird-ass food theory-crafting if we're feeling up to it. Fuck man I'm so hungry.

[Satan's Onion]

You know what I just discovered is extremely tasty? Hummus! I just got a little tub of the cheap store-bought stuff and it's delightful--on toast, with pretzels, on practically anything where you'd want a spread or a dip. And it's pretty good for you too, so there's that. Actually, we have a food processor in our house, so if I really wanted to not be a lazy shit I could look up recipes for other varieties (Ive had some with garlic in it, and some more with sun-dried tomato and basil) and make myself some...

[Wigmund]

Right now, I'm too poor to do anything truly great with food besides boiling water for ramen noodles.

But if I had the money to get the supplies I'd probably make myself a big crock pot full of homemade chili and have each bowl with a nice chunk of cornbread.

Meat from two different animals - ground beef (or buffalo if the supermarket has some), pork sausage and bacon; onions, green onions, garlic - lots of garlic, tomato sauce & paste, beef broth, several types of beans, tons of seasonings and beer.

Good dammit, I'm starving right now.

[Magic_Marker]

Yo Wigmund, since you're hungry I brought some copy-pasta:

————

Take a lesson from the Puerto Ricans. Millions of us have managed to survive in one of the most expensive cities on earth with recipes like this:

Find a supermarket that has black beans on sale. Buy as much as you can. Then buy 5 or so pounds of Carolina rice, a bag of onions, a few bulbs of garlic, and a box of Goya Sazon.

Set 2 cups of water to boil

Dick around on the internet until the water is boiling

Throw in one cup of rice, turn the heat down to simmer and lid that shit

Slice up a small onion

Smash up a clove of garlic

Throw some olive oil or butter into a HOT pan.

Throw the onions and garlic into the pan and fry them till the onion gets glassy. Throw some salt in there.

Grind some pepper in there for good luck.

Toss in half a packet of Sazon and stir till you get a paste. Now you have a ghetto sofrito.

Dump in your can of beans bean juice and all.

Stir that shit up.

Add a pinch of Cayenne pepper so you remember that you have a set of cojones

Set that shit on simmer

Your rice is done.

Throw the beans on top.

Win

You should get at least 2 meals out of one can of beans, and if your lucky you can get black beans 2 for $1. Adding the cost of the Garlic, Sazon and a small onion and you still eat a tasty, hearty, relatively healthy meal for less than $1.

Now. You are a growing lad. You need MEAT

OK, first of all, fuck eating lips and assholes. There is a much, much tastier option that has kept millions of starving boriquas alive for generations: PORK SHOULDER.

In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, Pork shoulder is 79 cents a pound. That’s right. 79 cents. A package of hot dogs at $2.50 is more than double the price and has offal and all sorts of vile shit inside.

Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs should do nicely.

Bring that fucker home and get out a long, thin knife.

In a pilon (that’s a mortar and pestle gringo) smash up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt, some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now you have another ghetto sofrito.

Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.

Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the holes. Don’t be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig. RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack some fucking pepper on there.

Set your oven for ~300 degrees

Throw the pork in skin side up and WAIT.

It’s going to take like 45 minutes a pound…

A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is the best cure.

After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the bone, or you will get a bad reading.

You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400 degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin that will make your pork rinds taste like year old carboard comparison.

At 170 ish? Pull that fucker out, but DON’T carve it up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the fuck out. WAIT.

Congratulations. You just made Pernil. A five pound Pernil should give you meat for at least a week. SAVOR IT BROTHER. SAVOR IT

Edit: Forgot the best and cheapest fucking recipe!!!

TOSTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck me. Green plaintains are usually like 5 for a fucking dollar!

Here’s my mom’s recipe:

Fry up some bacon. Set the bacon aside and save that lovely, glistening fat.

Take a plantain and run a knife down the side and split the skin off without breaking the plantain. This takes a bit of practice.

Slice up the plantain into ~1/3 inch thick slices. Throw them into a bowl of ice water.

You have a fry daddy? You’re golden papi. No? Pour around half an inch of oil into a frying pan. Corn oil works best, olive oil smokes too easily. Get that shit hot! Throw in your bacon grease.

Take your sliced up plantains out of the ice water and drain them or even pat them with a paper towel till they’re dry.

Fry em up until they just turn golden.

Throw them in the freezer for 10 minutes.

Now, here is where you become a MAN: Get yourself a flat bottom glass and a cutting board or a plate. Throw some flour on there. Smash the plantains with the cup. You may need a spatula to get them off the board…

Fry em AGAIN until they are golden and crispy

Make all three of these things together and you have an incredibly delicious and cheap meal!

TLDR; Learn the lessons of my people: The Nuyoricans. (New York Puerto Ricans) We have survived for DECADES on no money in one of the most expensive cities on the planet.

I've tried the rice and bean dish and it's absolutely delicious.

Now when cooking food, casseroles and crock pots are where it's at. Little preparation, little cooking and then BOOM! You've got a week's worth of food. Breakfast Casserole everyday? I thought you'd never ask.

If you're poor in both time and money, cook for a party. Freeze it. And eat like a king for weeks.

[Aldurin]

Try bacon wrapped in bacon, with a heavy bacon grease garnish.

[Darth SS]

Try being like these crazy cats here if you want a real taste experience...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xc5wIpUenQ


Also good: Baking a giant casserole of pasta, cutting it up and just eating that for a week.

[Aldurin]

Originally Posted by Darth SS

Also good: Baking a giant casserole of BACON and pasta, cutting it up and just eating that for a week.

Fixed

[Darth SS]

I want to thank the OP. You have inspired me to bust out my beloved George Foreman to grill up the chicken that I shall eat for supper tonight.

[Bells]

Take one Boneless full Chicken Breast

A tupperware big enough for it

3 Kinds of pepper

Hot Sauce

1 Onion

Garlic and Salt (as you wish)

Half a lemon.

"scrub" the chicken breast with the lemon, and drip all the Juice over it. Give it 15 minutes or so, and cover it with all the other ingredients (Chopped to very small bits)

carve the breast with a few Lines, just a couple on each side, and dump the Hot sauce over it.

Close the Tupperware, take it to the Fridge for a few Hours

Then dump on contents in a Pan with Potatoes and Carrots and a cup of tomato sauce and half a cup of water

or Take it straight to the oven untill it's done

Or Barbecue it

Call me in the morning and whisper "I looooove you".

[Pip Boy]

We haven't injected nearly enough deep fried lovin' into this thread yet.

So I'm just going to take the opportunity to brag that my new girlfriend is a culinary major, and she makes fried chicken that is better than sex. She gets like a light, flaky, delicious beer batter on there with just a tiny bit of brown sugar in the mix to make it a little bit sweet, but not enough to be weird. Then we fry that shit up and serve it with homemade french fries.

EDIT: And I've just discovered that my sister bought me some Mana Potions for my birthday. More on that when they arrive.