How can people possibly believe Fallout 3 is better than New Vegas?

[Solid Snake]

So while everyone else obsesses over Speroni-manufactured forum drama, Homestuck descending into new and amusing levels of abject idiocy, and whatever the hell else is going on here these days, leave it to Snake to address the truly important questions in life.

I bet if you asked yourself "What is the absolute worst opinion any human being on this planet could have?" your initial instinct might be to respond with such intelligent, nuanced answers as 'homophobia,' 'transphobia', 'supporting institutional racism in law enforcement,' 'supporting warmongering foreign policies,' 'Islamophobia,' 'conservatism in general,' or anything and everything related to the odious term 'Gamergate.'

Allow me to add one more abjectly awful kind of human being to that list of ugly stains on our species: People who think Fallout 3 was a better game than Fallout New Vegas.

My God, they're everywhere. The venerable Chris Avellone recently chatted with fans and the discourse from several weirdos on Kotaku is like "Dude, I loved your work on Fallout 2 and Planescape Torment and even Alpha Protocol but, bro, you sure effed up with New Vegas AMIRITE?" You look up New Vegas videos on Youtube -- as you should, because New Vegas is one of the best RPGs of its ilk, certifiably superior to 3 and Skyrim when you objectively analyze Bethesda's template -- and all these Neantherthals are postin' shit about "FALLOUT 3 IS BETTER" and it's just like, what kind of strange parallel universe do we live in where that's actually the case?

Okay, let's just establish some ground rules to show you how certifiably unbiased and dispassionate a source on this subject matter I am:

1: I lived in the Washington DC metro area for nearly a decade and I love the District of Columbia. Half of the Fallout 3 map takes place in rough approximations of places I've been before and places I'd love to explore.

2: I've been to Las Vegas before and (sorry Poch you know I love ya but still, the truth must be spoken) it's boring as hell. There's some cool geological formations and shit but goddamn, the desert gets old after a day or two. The city itself is a monument to all the worst, most base and craven instincts of humanity, and also sex, with the positive vibes about sexual pleasure possibly being the least offensive vice being celebrated there. The rest is all about gambling in casinos, which is horrible, monetary excess, stupid environmentally unsound city-planning decisions, atrocious bars and clubs designed for extroverts who are nothing like me, D-list celebrities, overpriced food and overpriced everything in the context of a place where human beings aren't designed to live in.

3: Recent bizarre movie choices aside, Liam Neeson is really cool.

4: Saul Tigh and Chandler Bing are really cool too, though, so I guess that's a wash.

5: Fallout 3's introduction sequence is better handled than New Vegas'; the whole 'growing up with Dad in the Vault' thing was really exceptionally well-done. New Vegas' Intro takes less time, which is a blessing in future playthroughs, but it's kind of industry-standard. It serves its purpose but isn't spectacularly memorable.

6: Both experiences are buggy messes, but the bugs in New Vegas pop up more frequently.

7: VATS feels more essential in 3, and if I recall correctly, I'd generally say 3's gameplay had more 'tough' moments. I mean, eventually you become a demigod in both games, but I died more frequently in 3 in ways that made me appreciate the game's difficulty. In New Vegas, Deathclaws are FUCKING MONSTERS, but eventually you roll through the Sierra Madre, transfer all your casino winnings there into like 500 Stimpacks, steal all the gold, buy all the Gun Runners exclusives and you're absolutely untouchable.

8: Fallout 3 had the better final mission(s). The second Battle for Hoover Dam was a bit of a letdown. Liberty Prime was amazing.

So like, Fallout 3 probably should be better, right?

...No.

Fallout 3 is not better. Fallout 3 is overrated, dull, boring, insipid, meaningless meandering in a world colored exclusively in shades of grey but with characters and moral situations in stark black and white. Fallout 3 is ugly and bland and unmemorable. Fallout 3 has that classic Bethesda problem of presenting you with the world's most uninteresting people with the world's most uninteresting storylines as supporting characters. Fallout 3 is like a shallow pool of water that looks inviting but once you jump in the water is lukewarm and filled with urine and you're wondering why the fuck you're bothering with a game that tries to boil down all choices into a simplistic good/bad paradigm. Fallout 3 also leaves you asking rather basic and essential questions like "How the fuck are all these people surviving without sustainable agriculture?" and "Why the fuck does it feel like barely a generation has passed since the nuclear war?" Fallout 3 has atrocious DLC that doesn't tie in with each other in any way whatsoever. The Pitt was a slog, Operation Anchorage was garbage, I guess that one that took place in some faraway town on the Chesapeake was okay though?

New Vegas is an ocean. Real, complex factions with disparate goals! (And, admittingly, one faction that's evil, but evil in a historically accurate kind of reflective way that's actually interesting and leads to asking intriguing questions, as opposed to just presenting you with cartoon villains.)

Actual personality in history in characters and locations!

Actual NPCs with actual sidequests that are actually interesting and engaging to talk with!

Actual political and economic frameworks that are readily apparent that gives your story crucial context!

Actual depth and meaning buried in the dialogue and characterization of everything that's happening!

Downloadable storylines that are interconnected to present you with a real, vibrant, emotionally resonant 'second story', intricately tied together!

Cass and Boone and Arcade!!! I repeat: The three best NPCs are in this game.

Fallout 3 is like a kid's story for little kids who need their precious hands held through storylines of good versus evil and saviors of humanity bestowing precious water to humanity while working through daddy issues through clumsy, hamfisted writing that makes me want to take a bullet to the brain. It's all presented through a world so oppressive and uninteresting that, despite my affection for the District of Columbia, I think I'd rather explore all the intricacies of Final Fantasy XIII's dumb linear corridors again and at least see colors than put me through that slogfest. I think I'd rather commit suicide than walk through one more aimless portion of Rivet City. And who the hell were your companions in Fallout 3 again? I can't even remember them.

Fallout: New Vegas is a complex, morally ambiguous, expertly-crafted narrative for adults who appreciate the opportunity to explore the nooks, crannies and crevices of real-world problems without easy magical Deus Ex Machina answers. There's no perfect holier-than-thou Messiah ending. The decisions you make do not lead to miraculous divine intervention breathing hope upon humanity. You make tough choices and you weigh the pros and the cons. You choose the uncertainty of anarchic independence or the well-intentioned but heavy-handed governance of the NCR or the stable yet far-reaching Old World craftsmanship of Mr. House (or the misogynistic terror of the Legion if you're an asshole, but even the Legion presumably has merits, if you're some sort of privileged male merchant who wants security at any cost and doesn't give a crap about the suffering of others.)

And like, those four factions are more than what Fallout 3 in its insipid lunacy deems credible to offer you but Vegas doesn't stop there because Obsidian is filled to the brim with competent writers who actually KNOW HOW TO WRITE, BETHESDA, GOOD GOD I LOVE SKYRIM AND ALL BUT COULD YOU LEARN HOW TO WRITE HALF-DECENT NON-PLAYABLE CHARACTERS PLEASE.

What else is there? The Boomers, The Great Khans, The Omertas, the other clans of The Strip, Freeside, Westside, Jacobstown, Goodsprings, the Followers, the Powder Gangers, competing Caravan companies, the Fiends, differing militaristic and pacifist factions within the NCR, the Brotherhood, the Enclave, Novac, competing tribes in Zion, the Big Empty, Ulysses...all with their own endings, all with true player agency built in, all with different approaches that fundamentally alter how you as a player experience the narrative of New Vegas and how you view your Courier's role in the Mojave.

If Bethesda had even a tenth of Obsidian's writing ability we could have seen this kind of nuance and depth in, say, the conflict between the Imperials and the Stormcloaks in Skyrim, but HAHAHAHAHA it's Bethesda we're talking about don't make me laugh.

In conclusion, if you like Fallout 3 more than New Vegas for any reason whatsoever, your reasoning is flawed and you need to reevaluate your life.

(Then again, this is coming from the person who genuinely prefers Dragon Age 2 over Origins, who thinks NieR is the best game you can play on PS3, who thinks Sleeping Dogs and LA Noire are both better than your favorite GTA game, and who sincerely dislikes Final Fantasy Tactics.)