This barista is so beautiful it's not even funny. How can I win her heart?!?

[Solid Snake]

So I'm here at the local coffee shop where I've made myself a makeshift office for the past week, because my legal research internship enables me to work from home, but actually working at home would involve absolutely no work and many more distractions (such as my PS3.) Here, by contrast, there should only be the distraction of NPF and its delightful archives (and my presumed duty as NPF Historian) to prevent me from concentrating on reading every nook and cranny of ANILCA, a 250 page statute passed by Congress to protect the Alaskan environment. (It is very long and a very dull read, in large part because Congress apparently has no imagination and repeats itself constantly.)

However I did not anticipate the possibility that today I would be introduced to the most beautiful woman of all time holy crap on a stick this girl is so fucking gorgeous I can't even think straight and she made me my coffee and she's sssssoooo pretty she has the most charming smile and I can't help but stare longingly at her fffffuuuucccckkkkk.

I've utterly misplaced my "Game" somewhere around the time I decided to sacrifice any chance of having a social life by attending law school. Subsequently, I am in desperate need of your assistance, because you're all (probably) as introspective, antisocial and outright awkward as I am when it comes to wooing beautiful women.
How do I accomplish this daring feat? i ordered a coffee from her earlier and was barely even able to put two thoughts together into a coherent sentence (while desperately trying to avoid staring into her beautiful eyes.)

...Should I write her a poem? I could probably write her a quick poem over lunch break.
...But there's no way to print it out. Crap!

Should I go up to the counter and attempt to strike up a conversation? But I just recently ordered a coffee: it's too early for another one. Besides which, there are several other employees working back there and any one of them could respond to my presence. And what exactly do I say? There's nothing I want to order at the moment. Do I just shout "I'd like to go out on a date with you, woman whose name I do not yet know?" Do I attempt to play it cool by announcing to no one in particular that I am a law school student at a fairly well-known law school? "Why, yes, I am in fact planning on becoming a high-paying lawyer, you know, the type who could support a beautiful wife." ...No? ...That wouldn't work?!? FUCK!

Would a conversation about video games work out? ...No, she doesn't seem the type to play video games. Besides which, a ten-minute long rant about how amazing Persona 4 is (or how terrible Final Fantasy X-2 is) probably would not impress her. In fact, she would probably think I was clinically insane by the time I started comparing Social Links. Or she'd think I was a delusional playa' wannabe when I started referencing how I got away with dating Yukiko and Rise and Chie and Naoto at the same time without any of them being any wiser.

Oooh! I could talk about how much I hate the Twilight series! That way, if she responds with a comment to the effect that she really likes the Twilight series, I'll know that her beauty is just a cheap facade and that she is, in fact, a demonic agent of Satan sent to corrupt this world. Yet, what if she's merely ambivalent towards Twilight?

Maybe I should just play it cool and attempt the classic "keep away from her, but maintain brief spurts of eye contact with her and she how she responds to the attention" routine? ...No. She might wonder why I'd stare but not approach. Or she might think I was a creepy stalker straight out of a horror film.

Crap I haven't witnessed the sight of an angel this drop-dead ethereal in the past year, easily, at least. I have to make a move. I have to. I have to man up and become a real man, I have to do the manly thing and get my flirt on or I'll never swallow this down. I'll never forgive myself for losing this chance. But what do I do, Nuklear Power Forums? You will not meet a human being with less confidence when it comes to casual flirtation than me: I was crafted to handle deep intellectual conversations, but small talk utterly eludes me. I swear this is just torture, absolute torture this isn't even fair, how could a kind and benevolent God do this to me and keep doing it over the course of this past decade.

OH CRAP SHE JUST SMILED AT ME (or at least in my general direction) I JUST WITNESSED THAT

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Bring her some booze, get her drunk, take her under a bridge- bing bang bong, finish the job.

[Solid Snake]

Bring her some booze, get her drunk, take her under a bridge- bing bang bong, finish the job.

This plan is absolutely brilliant, aside from the part where she probably can't get drunk on the job, and I'd probably get in trouble for even bringing alcohol in here, and I'd probably be arrested after the fact.

Besides, she's the type you can't just have a one-night stand with. She's altogether too beautiful to mistreat like that!

[Premmy]

Brazenness works everytime, get straight to the point:
"I Like you, you're beautiful, wanna hang out?"

[Nikose Tyris]

Do not hit on a girl while she is at work or on shift. It rarely works out. Cross your fingers that her shift ends while you're drinking coffee and while she's walking out, talk to her. She has the ability to say "Oh, I have to get going, I have plans" to get out of things lightly and politely- at work she's (somewhat) awkwardly obliged to deal with you until it bothers her too much and she asks you to leave, which is embarassing for everyone.

And for god's sake if she's not getting off shift within your actual "Sitting and Drinking Coffee" period don't stay longer, you'll be twice as creepy and garuntee a fail.

Edit: Oh I see we're going to give him bad advice?

Clonk her on the head with a club and drag her back to your cave, I hear that option is popular.

[Kim]

...Should I write her a poem?

No.

Do I attempt to play it cool by announcing to no one in particular that I am a law school student at a fairly well-known law school?

No.

Would a conversation about video games work out?

No.

Oooh! I could talk about how much I hate the Twilight series!

No.

Maybe I should just play it cool and attempt the classic "keep away from her, but maintain brief spurts of eye contact with her and she how she responds to the attention" routine?

No.

[Solid Snake]

And for god's sake if she's not getting off shift within your actual "Sitting and Drinking Coffee" period don't stay longer, you'll be twice as creepy and garuntee a fail.


Well that's just the thing, I actually legitimately intended to stay at the coffee shop a good eight hours today (and every other weekday,) but if she has no clue that I'm actually legitimately here doing work for an employer (and if she keeps catching me giving her the pleasant eye) she might erroneously assume I'm here for more nefarious reasons!

But I can't help but stare at her she's actually that pretty

...Damn. Maybe I should leave and find another coffee shop. Or maybe I should give up and cry tears because I will be single and unhappy forever. That's not such a bad plan, really. There's only about sixty or so more years of miserableness I'd have to endure, right?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

This plan is absolutely brilliant, aside from the part where she probably can't get drunk on the job, and I'd probably get in trouble for even bringing alcohol in here, and I'd probably be arrested after the fact.

Besides, she's the type you can't just have a one-night stand with. She's altogether too beautiful to mistreat like that!

She can drink coffee on the job right? Pour the booze into that. Honestely you have to work with my here.
And if she real beautiful the police will let you off- temporary insanity caused by madness.
You can also keep her under the bridge forever.

If you want some serious advice, just go talk to her- if ou plan shit iut t won't work out. Wait until she's less busy though and don't force it, any sign of hesitation and back away. You could wait until her shift finishes but that is always a dicey prospect.

If you want to stay single forever you need not be sad. I can teach you to overcome your biological urges, your primitive oozing fluids and to become an intellectual titan like myself, constrained by nothign as limiting as emotions or desires.

[Kim]

Forget the barista. Get beer. Throw party. Don't worry about "OMG she's so cute" about any of the chicks that show up, and instead just focus on having fun.

That's my actual advice.

[Solid Snake]

Forget the barista. Get beer. Throw party.

I'd actually have to know a lot of people here to throw a successful party, though. :(
...Unless I just invited myself and my dog, and I just sat down alone in my room and drank myself into such a stupor that I imagined imaginary friends to hang out with.

NEVER GO TO LAW SCHOOL EVERYONE, YOUR LIFE WILL BECOME THIS DEPRESSING

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Bro, where abouts are you? I'll bring you a party right now. It'll be a rocking hobo party.

[Nikose Tyris]

Stay there, work all day, occasionally grunt at your computer, furiously type as often as possible, on your third coffee offhandedly mention how frustrated you are with your writing project.

When she asks what you're working on, tell her honestly and maybe make up a point that you're stuck on- and then ask what her opinion is of [POTENTIAL ANSWER A].

Listen to her advice, then thank her, tell her you really like that, possibly even add that to what you're working on, and then later on (probably 5th or 6th cup of coffee) thank her, compliment her intelligence, ask if she does any writing on the side. Mention that you're here to avoid distractions from other sources.

If she is still on shift when you go to pack up, then pack up first, and before leaving, ask if you can give her your phone number, and invite her to call you - you found her intelligent and charming, and you really admire that.

Do not compliment her on being jaw droppingly beautiful. That's second-date material. You're on "I don't even know her name" territory.


AND FOR GOD SAKE IF SHE IS WEARING A NAME TAG DO NOT JUST USE HER NAME. THAT SHIT BE CREEPY SON.

[Krylo]

OR OR OR

Here's an idea: Walk up to her and ask for her number. If she turns you down, just smile, shrug, and move on with life. Don't use any facades, don't try to be clever or funny or 'charming'. It's not a bar or a club or whatever else, and she's not there to listen to your lame attempts to get chicks.

Thus, if you absolutely must make your move on this poor woman, just do it quick and precise with minimal awkwardness for everyone involved.

Stuttering and sounding like a nervous moron is optional.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

OR OR OR

Here's an idea: Walk up to her and ask for her number. If she turns you down, just smile, shrug, and move on with life. Don't use any facades, don't try to be clever or funny or 'charming'. It's not a bar or a club or whatever else, and she's not there to listen to your lame attempts to get chicks.

Thus, if you absolutely must make your move on this poor woman, just do it quick and precise with minimal awkwardness for everyone involved.

Stuttering and sounding like a nervous moron is optional.

We are trying to emotionally scar him for life. Did you not get the memo?

[Kim]

OR OR OR

Here's an idea: Walk up to her and ask for her number. If she turns you down, just smile, shrug, and move on with life. Don't use any facades, don't try to be clever or funny or 'charming'. It's not a bar or a club or whatever else, and she's not there to listen to your lame attempts to get chicks.

Thus, if you absolutely must make your move on this poor woman, just do it quick and precise with minimal awkwardness for everyone involved.

Stuttering and sounding like a nervous moron is optional.

.

[Solid Snake]

Unlike you Krylo, I am not devilishly handsome, roguish and/or brazenly psychopathic enough to pull off such a trick!
Instead I am a skinny four-eyed freckled dork who has not fully mastered the art of moving my lips and making cognizable sounds in front of females.
If only my parents gave me better genes!

[Terex4]

I'd do what Nikose says. Besides that, casually asking her advice will also help you get to know her better. You're an intelligent guy, you probably won't be happy with a beautiful ditz in the long term, so give her the opportunity to show her intellect in a friendly setting.

That accomplishes several things, including banishing any thoughts that you're just a creepy guy who uses a laptop to hang out in her coffee shop.

The biggest problem in my opinion is the "try to win her heart" mentality. Relationships go both ways and she has to want it too in an honest and non-won over way. Your frustration with your work and need for a second opinion is a perfect way to break the ice and for the two of you to start to get to know each other.

I wouldn't grunt too much though, grunting is only attractive in construction workers and bikers.

[Mr.Bookworm]

Don't hit on her, just talk to her whenever you go up there sometime, be polite all of the time, and because physical beauty is only 99.99% of a relationship, you should probably make sure you actually like her for more than her looks.

Be patient. If she's as pretty as you say she is (take pictures), you don't want to be guy number 483 who chats her up and then asks her out.

My two cents anyway.

Or what Nikose said.

Or what Krylo said.

[Kim]

Unlike you Krylo, I am not devilishly handsome, roguish and/or brazenly psychopathic enough to pull off such a trick!
Instead I am a skinny four-eyed freckled dork who has not fully mastered the art of moving my lips and making cognizable sounds in front of females.
If only my parents gave me better genes!

Krylo's advice is pretty much the only decent advice in the entire thread, though I'm still an avid supporter of finding people and just getting drunk. If you can't take the good advice, I honestly don't know why you're asking for advice in the first place. It's not "Here's some good advice, but if you can't do that here are some other things you can try that might work." It's just "Here's some good advice. All other advice ends in failure and a really awkward time every time you go back to the coffee shop."

[Premmy]

Unlike you Krylo, I am not devilishly handsome, roguish and/or brazenly psychopathic enough to pull off such a trick!
Instead I am a skinny four-eyed freckled dork who has not fully mastered the art of moving my lips and making cognizable sounds in front of females.
If only my parents gave me better genes!

It took me a long time to realize I'm not as lame as I think I am, but you need to hurry up with that shit, seriously, just go talk to her.

[Krylo]

We are trying to emotionally scar him for life. Did you not get the memo?

Isn't Snake like the male version of Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed?

I'm pretty sure there's no more we can do to emotionally scar him in the way of women.Unlike you Krylo, I am not devilishly handsome, roguish and/or brazenly psychopathic enough to pull off such a trick!
Instead I am a skinny four-eyed freckled dork who has not fully mastered the art of moving my lips and making cognizable sounds in front of females.
If only my parents gave me better genes!
I did say the stutt-t-t-t-t-ering was optional.
Be patient. If she's as pretty as you say she is (take pictures), you don't want to be guy number 483 who chats her up and then asks her out.

Which is why he should skip the chatting her up and just head straight for his inevitable rejection. Or acceptance, as unlikely as that may seem.

The chatting every day/all day while he works thing builds up a repertoire with her and increases chances of success, sure, but if she's a pretty barista she hears it about a million times a day from hipsters and the like, I'm sure, so it's not like the chances of acceptance are going to be super-high, anyway, if he does the same thing as every other dude who walks in there, and it's also going to make it much more awkward if/when she rejects him due to said repertoire.

[Kim]

More bad advice: Go up to her and start rapping about law school. Throw in clever references to the Ace Attorney franchise.

[Bells]

What i can offer you is that if she is THAT alluring that just staring at her breaks your game, then, if you get an opening, just be flat out honest and talk about how you were feeling awkward cause she is actually so beautiful you had trouble not looking at her.

That usually dials the creepiness down to cuteness if the girl is receptive.

[Solid Snake]

: Go up to her and start rapping about law school. Throw in clever references to the Ace Attorney franchise.

This is the best advice ever.
I think I'll throw in a few subtle comparisons between her and Franziska von Karma and how they're both extraordinarily charming and intelligent individuals worthy of affection.

But the rap should generally be about how both Phoenix and I struggle with understanding the Law and yet we will both persevere with the assistance of underage girls.
...I think that will go over very well. Don't you?

[Seil]

What are you doing for lunch today? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0xvPihYHg4&feature=related)

[Loyal]

This is the best advice ever.
I think I'll throw in a few subtle comparisons between her and Franziska von Karma and how they're both extraordinarily charming and intelligent individuals worthy of affection.

But the rap should generally be about how both Phoenix and I struggle with understanding the Law and yet we will both persevere with the assistance of underage girls.
...I think that will go over very well. Don't you?Before you run off to your barista, you should check it with us first to make sure those rhymes are stupid fresh.

Show us what you're made of, bro.

[Solid Snake]

*sigh*

She's gone. It's over. False alarm, peoples. Solid Snake had his chance, as he always has and forever will, but as usual he found a way to lose everything because he is a pathetic wuss who always fucks everything up and doesn't deserve to be happy. =(

Now I'll just let the inevitable depression sink in as I continue reading this statute and pretending my lackluster life has meaning. =( =( =(

[Rejected Again]

Dude, she works there. She has to come back some time. Then just......I can't belive I'm about to say it. Listen to Krylo. Besides, it could just be a lunch break. Deep breaths man.

[Jagos]

Is it just something about the wiring?

Are there really no other people able to give advice save Krylo?

Go up to her, say these words here:

Hi, I noticed that you're very alluring. Are you single?

Just see if she's looking, if not, no harm done, you can shrug it off and she may respect you more for coming off as a man. Who knows? She may have a sister.

[Lumenskir]

I'm roadtripping up to DC for 4th of July. Assuming this is where you still are, just PM the name of the place and an appropriate time and we can do a variation on the beach bully caper (Me: Assholish and lechy, You: Defending her honor).

Countless old teeny bopper beach movies can't be wrong.

[Solid Snake]

I'm roadtripping up to DC for 4th of July. Assuming this is where you still are, just PM the name of the place and an appropriate time and we can do a variation on the beach bully caper (Me: Assholish and lechy, You: Defending her honor).

Countless old teeny bopper beach movies can't be wrong.

Sadly, I'm actually in Connecticut until mid-July.

[Rejected Again]

Get a rag with some chloroform, make sure she passes out good. Then set the place on fire. Run out wait for a good blaze, then go in and save her. Then you can pull the hero card!

[pochercoaster]

HA HA HA.

This is far too familiar a situation for me, a veteran coffee pourer and barista. I have no shortage of stories of customers who piss me off, particularly ones who try to build some sort of relationship with me.

Snake, in the following rant I don't mean to say you're a creepy guy or anything. I'm just trying to provide the perspective of a barista who deals with this kind of stuff 40 hours a week. Any woman under the age of 40 who was worked in the service industry is well versed in this kind of situation... Any anger in this rant is not directed at you.

If you absolutely, positively have to ask this girl out, do it Krylo's way. There are few people I despise more than the guys who think they're charming and awesome and come up to me and try to chat me up while I'm doing my fucking work.

It puts you in this really awkward situation where you have to shrug the customer off. You can't be too rude, of course, because that's bad for business and excessive rudeness isn't necessarily warranted (unless they're downright harassing you- last week I had to deal with some fucking trucker complimenting a certain part of my body in very crude terms. I swear to fucking god I was about to put a fork in his eye), but you can't be too polite or they might think it's okay to chat you up while you're at work.

I have seen my co workers stalked. I have given out more fake names than I can imagine. I have worked at places where it was understood that certain customers would be pawned off to other employees because those customers liked to stare at one particular employee and make them extremely uncomfortable. I have had to move where I sit when I take my lunch break because one particular customer would walk up to me and lean over me and try to make small talk. I have, when I worked a third shift by myself, on rare occasion told someone to get out of my store and fuck off. I have feigned stupidity to avoid conversation with overly chatty customers.

I do not dislike 99.5% of customers, but 99.5% of them don't creep me out or try to get dates with me. Not every customer who's friendly and tries to start a relationship with someone they met at a coffee shop is a creep, but chances are this girl has dealt with a million guys attempting to flirt with her before and unless you're lucky (she's single and from her limited interaction with you as a customer she decides she likes you) she'll probably reject you, probably with some degree of politeness.

This is coming from someone who already has a boyfriend and hates humanity, though. Maybe she'll take you up on her offer. Whatever you do, don't try to talk to her while she's on her shift. That's annoying, particularly if there's a lot of work to do, or if you're near the end of your shift and tired.

Edit: Whoops, skimmed the thread, didn't notice your last post, Snake. But um... I guess you have some advice if the situation arises again.

[Solid Snake]

HA HA HA.
Snake, in the following rant I don't mean to say you're a creepy guy or anything.

It's not an entirely unreasonable assumption, so I wouldn't blame you if you did. ;)
...But no all kidding aside (and I hope it's been clear that about ~95% of the content in this thread has been kidding, just about the only thing I'm being honest about is the fact that there was a drop-dead gorgeous barista in here and I was flabbergasted by her beauty), I have no particular interest in stalking her or anything. I'm frustrated with myself because I lack the social skills to flirt effectively (or at all), and moments like this really hammer that point home.

Not every customer who's friendly and tries to start a relationship with someone they met at a coffee shop is a creep, but chances are this girl has dealt with a million guys attempting to flirt with her before and unless you're lucky (she's single and from her limited interaction with you as a customer she decides she likes you) she'll probably reject you, probably with some degree of politeness.

On the bright side, at least, this particular barista hasn't been one very long. She apparently just started. (I know this in part because I've frequented this coffee shop before and never seen her, but also in part because she messed up my order earlier and the manager, who had to cancel it for her, told me that she was new. Sadly said conversation did not open any avenues with the hot girl because A: I could barely speak coherently at that time, I was shocked with how beautiful she was and B: The middle-aged manager hovered behind her back through the rest of the transaction, eliminating any chance for even the slightest morsel of small talk.)

But maybe she's not completely bitter yet!

[pochercoaster]

But maybe she's not completely bitter yet!

Make your move soon, because she will be within two weeks. Bwaha.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Get a whole lot of ugly guys to ask her out first then ask her out and her standards will be shattered so she will accept.

[Amake]

Smarty just revolutionized the concept of picking up girls and none of us really understand it yet.

[Solid Snake]

Smarty just revolutionized the concept of picking up girls and none of us really understand it yet.

For an avowed communist, Smarty sure has a cold, calculated, capitalistic view of the art of flirtation.
What's next, Smarty? Are you going to encourage us to learn the art of seduction from the works of Ayn Rand?

[Brainmeats]

Just don't worry about it. Ask her if she'd like to go see a movie or something random like that. The worst she can say is no.

[Nikose Tyris]

You're in Conneticut?

Drive the rest of the way to Toronto, I'll take you out and at least teach you how to TALK to women. :/ Get Bob to come too. It'll be awesome.

[Si Civa]

Something says to me that this thread shouldn't be about hitting girls as much as telling Solid Snake to get some rightfully deserved self-respect*. (And hey, girls kinda dig that, expect if your ego is bigger than the room)
*And that's like the hardest thing to do.

You can utilize NonCon's idea this way: be sober in that party. You will see how much more mature you're than those who drink. And everybody is going to talk with you because they want you to drink some fuckin' booze. You will even get some bloody willpower if you don't drink.
So you will basically gain some willpower and people socialize with you, and you can use them as a way to build your self-esteem.

Or just party or otherwise spend time with people, even with strangers, because being with other people helps you gain social skills, social networks and makes you little bit more brave to talk with girls you know. And you can talk to girls without hitting them, that way you get to used talking to girls (it should be noted that they are individuals).

And bla bla bla for my part.

[Krylo]

And you can talk to girls without hitting them

Well of course. You don't do that unless they talk back.

[Si Civa]

Well of course. You don't do that unless they talk back.

There's awfully many ways to answer to this, but the one thing that goes in my mind is: "Hey Solid Snake, listen Krylo."

It's not quite witty though.

[Seil]

http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u59/Poetisch/an-explanation-to-the-unfortunate-w.png

[Solid Snake]

...Way to ruin yet another fine thread, Seil. =(

(Nah seriously I hope that guy was just writing a fake Craigslist posting as a joke because otherwise that's really rather disturbing.)

EDIT: Also insofar as this thread is already considerably more popular than my History, and insofar as this thread required considerably less effort and forethought, I've hereby decided to suspend the Epic History and instead concentrate on making a series of threads about my inability to communicate effectively with beautiful women. Alright everybody, my priorities are in order!

[Rejected Again]

Seil you motherfucker. I thought you had your IMG tag privileges revoked.

[Funka Genocide]

As the boyfriend of an incredibly attractive barista myself, I say don't do it. Because if she was my girlfriend I'd be all like "wanna fight bro?".

But yeah, hitting on people when they're serving you coffee is fucking lame as fuck. Seriously. Unless she's putting the moves on you because you're just such a hotty, don't worry about it and drop the idea. This isn't a romantic comedy, you could get arrested.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

For an avowed communist, Smarty sure has a cold, calculated, capitalistic view of the art of flirtation.
What's next, Smarty? Are you going to encourage us to learn the art of seduction from the works of Ayn Rand?

If any endeavour is stunted by a reliance on tradition, a lack of productive expansion due to the high barriers of entry, and false ideologies of fair competition it is that of dating. While some glorious day the abolition of outmoded concepts of family/relationships will lead to hyper-supply and complete satiation of all men, in the meantime I proscribe ruthless exploitation of the prevailing capital system to sap the moral of the bourgiosie and to convert more to our glorious cause with our obvious alpha male proclivities.

[Solid Snake]

But yeah, hitting on people when they're serving you coffee is fucking lame as fuck. Seriously. Unless she's putting the moves on you because you're just such a hotty, don't worry about it and drop the idea. This isn't a romantic comedy, you could get arrested.

Woah.
...I mean, I'm gonna just take a moment to disagree with you there insofar as (for me at least) "putting the moves on a girl" consists of simply saying something like "How has your week been?", "I like your outfit," "Do you like to (activity X)?" or even "Do you enjoy working here?"

I may seem somewhat creepy when I'm joshin' around online but I highly doubt that even the most oversensitive female barista in the history of selling coffee is going to react to that by trying to arrest me.

You see the problem here is that I lack the self-confidence to even initiate a harmless conversation with a drop-dead gorgeous woman, let alone seduce her off her feet. I'm not even brave enough to give myself the chance to get to know her by essentially giving her the option to get to know me, and that aggravates me tremendously. I'm not sure if the solution to my issues is to scare me off from conversing with women even more by making it sound as if expressing so much as a scintilla of interest is going to lead me to get A: beaten up by a jealous boyfriend or B: arrested.

[Aldurin]

Let me step up to the plate on these ideas. First, be careful how you swear around her because shouting "FUCK!" near her will make you look like a retard who is trying to demand sex (I'm assuming this doesn't apply to you).

And I'm sure that somewhere on another forum there is a thread that says this.
Oh my gosh, I was working at the coffee shop and the cutest looking guy came in and ordered coffee from me. He had glasses and freckles and could hardly speak after he noticed me. I'm hoping he comes back tomorrow so I can get his attention so he asks me out. Any advice so I don't mess this up?Here's some plans.
1: Pretend to pass out next time you order coffee from there and hope she's been trained in CPR.

2: Start up casual small talk and hope you become friends. Then build your way up to your first kiss (assuming you didn't succeed in plan 1) and eventually get married.

3: Put on so much cologne that she passes out and you use CPR on her.

4: Tip big so that she remembers you, and when you do it smile, look her in the eyes in a nice way and say "Have a good day." This shows that you care about her and her financial situation (and she'll be intrigued by the idea of a generous law student, as what they mature into is stereotyped as greedy and inhuman).

5: Anonymously hire a thug to rob the coffee shop on her shift, and then taser his sorry ass when he tries to. You'll play the hero card and the coffee shop won't be burned down.

6: Approach her, say "Wanna fuck?" and then time the awkward pause so that you laugh at the same time as her and say you were joking but admit that you still think she's pretty. It's the ultimate ice breaker.

7: Let an especially rude person go in front of you so that you can tell him off when he starts making rude statements to the barista.

8: At the last chance just pour out what you feel for her and that you don't want to go through life alone. When she realizes somebody cares about her so much she'll go ahead instantly bond with you.


If she turns out to be a part-time stripper/hooker, then it's your own damn fault for not doing your research in the first place.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Wait I've got a better idea- she is clearly a slave to corporate overlords explain to her that only by the form of blissful union can you overcome the patriacal bonds that hold her in her enforced serfdom and together your rebellion shall smash her chains.

[Aldurin]

Wait I've got a better idea- she is clearly a slave to corporate overlords explain to her that only by the form of blissful union can you overcome the patriacal bonds that hold her in her enforced serfdom and together your rebellion shall smash her chains.

That only works if she's the correct political affilitation.

[Amake]

1000 to one she's poor enough to be the correct political affilation. And if she's not, would you really want to get it on with her? :p

Anyway I forgot if this has been mentioned in the thread, but the most reasonable thing to do would probably be giving an average tip and then asking when she gets off.* If she's up for shenanigans, it'll be better for everyone to wait until she's free from work and you can speak as equals. And if she's not, you'll probably know that from her reaction to the question.

*Smile gently and hopefully when you say this, maintain eye contact and try not to make it sound like innuendo.

[Aldurin]

Anyway I forgot if this has been mentioned in the thread, but the most reasonable thing to do would probably be giving an average tip and then asking when she gets off.* If she's up for shenanigans, it'll be better for everyone to wait until she's free from work and you can speak as equals. And if she's not, you'll probably know that from her reaction to the question.

*Smile gently and hopefully when you say this, maintain eye contact and try not to make it sound like innuendo.

4: Tip big so that she remembers you, and when you do it smile, look her in the eyes in a nice way and say "Have a good day." This shows that you care about her and her financial situation (and she'll be intrigued by the idea of a generous law student, as what they mature into is stereotyped as greedy and inhuman).

You don't treat beautiful women cheaply.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

That only works if she's the correct political affilitation.

She's either a communist or she's evilllll. If it don't work you're better off.

[Amake]

You don't treat beautiful women cheaply. Sure, if you want to give the impression you're trying to buy her. When someone you don't know gives you things, especially cash money, I think most of us would think "What does this person want from me?"

Oops, I missed the part of the thread where the girl left. But don't sweat it Snake, she'll probably still work there tomorrow!

[BitVyper]

What the hell, Snake? Did I not provide you with a positively foolproof method for picking up girls in Germany? (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=999689&postcount=52) You should be swimming in beautiful German stalkers by now. How did you fuck it up?

Anyway, if you absolutely must have this woman, without further information, I know of only one particular blind spot in the human barista's defenses. You must find the legendary Bloodwood, said in myth to be hidden in the rainforests of Brazil, beyond the reach of man's world. Adventurers have spent years wandering the jungles only to return empty handed, if they returned at all, but it is said that an old Aztec witch knows the secret paths, and I'm pretty sure she's listed on Google maps, but I can't spell her name. Anyway, you need to find the mightiest of the Bloodwood trees and take some of its sap in exchange for a bit of your own blood splashed on its roots (lest the forest close around and trap you forever). Distill the sap into a perfume and wear when next you meet your barista, and she will be helpless against your charms.

Failing that, you could simply overpower her senses with the well documented abilities (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiK1smzPZPQ) of the Three Wolf Moon. (http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Wolf-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A) But beware its power. Many have worn the shirt, seduced by the (very true) stories of its properties, but few ever imagined how dangerously subversive its power could be. Brimming with raw masculinity, they found themselves spent out, wasted away within weeks or even days. Yet still they invoked it until at last there was nothing left of them. You may have the recklessness to put the Three Wolf Moon on, but will you have the will to take it off?

Failing THAT, just tell her you're friends with BitVyper. All baristas owe me their fealty.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

What the hell, Snake? Did I not provide you with a positively foolproof method for picking up girls in Germany? (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=999689&postcount=52) You should be swimming in beautiful German stalkers by now. How did you fuck it up?

Anyway, if you absolutely must have this woman, without further information, I know of only one particular blind spots in the human barista's defenses. You must find the legendary Bloodwood, said in myth to be hidden in the rainforests of Brazil, beyond the reach of man's world. Adventurers have spent years wandering the jungles only to return empty handed, if they returned at all, but it is said that an old Aztec witch knows the secret paths, and I'm pretty sure she's listed on Google maps, but I can't spell her name. Anyway, you need to find the mightiest of the Bloodwood trees and take some of its sap in exchange for a bit of your own blood splashed on its roots (lest the forest close around and trap you forever). Distill the sap into a perfume and wear when next you meet your barista, and she will be helpless against your charms.

Failing that, you could simply overpower her senses with the well documented abilities (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiK1smzPZPQ) of the Three Wolf Moon. (http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Wolf-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A) But beware its power. Many have worn the shirt, seduced by the (very true) stories of its properties, but few ever imagined how dangerously subversive its power could be. Brimming with raw masculinity, they found themselves spent out, wasted away within weeks or even days. Yet still they invoked it until at last there was nothing left of them. You may have the recklessness to put the Three Wolf Moon on, but will you have the will to take it off?

Failing THAT, just tell her you're friends with BitVyper. All baristas owe me their fealty.

Interesting. I find your ideas intriguing, and wish to subscribe to your news letter.


As for you Snake, just be cool and aloof. Speak to her if she happens to pass by and makes eye contact, but don't force the issue. Get to know her a little and take it from there.

Just for gods sake don't be creepy!

[Aldurin]

Just for gods sake don't be creepy!

Name someone on the forum who isn't creepy.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

On the forum it's ok, it's when it happens in real life that problems occur.

[rpgdemon]

Here's an idea: Actually treat her like a human being, instead of boobs and a butt.

Makes things easier. Since you can talk with people.



Butts don't talk.

[BitVyper]

They do if you make funny voices for them.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I wouldn't want to date a butt anyway.

they're too anal re-tentative

[Solid Snake]

I don't know whether to feel excited that you're all so intrigued with the tales of my romantic pursuits, or depressed that you'd prefer reading this garbage over my History chapters. It's like you're a horde of teenage women screaming for the next "Twilight" update while ignoring the works of classical authors.

Well, if it's Twilight style soap opera you'd prefer, it's Twilight style soap opera you'll get. Tune in tomorrow for the next update of "Solid Snake Woos the Barista!" I'll stop by the coffee shop tomorrow and if she's around, I'll give y'all an update to remember. (Possibly because it will involve utilizing BitVyper's superior romantic methodology.)

[Rejected Again]

(Possibly because it will involve utilizing BitVyper's superior romantic methodology.)

Making funny noises for your ass so it can speak?

[Premmy]

So HER ass can speak.

[Hanuman]

I don't know whether to feel excited that you're all so intrigued with the tales of my romantic pursuits, or depressed that you'd prefer reading this garbage over my History chapters. It's like you're a horde of teenage women screaming for the next "Twilight" update while ignoring the works of classical authors.
My friend is in school for stage makeup, as extra cred she volunteered at vancouver's twilight screening for whatever the next thing is (quickly applying poorly rendered fake tattoos of the varied intricate family crests, VERY stupid idea on the organizers part, seriously look at this shit. (http://api.ning.com/files/hj3qLju0-bTT-N8Vz3LJ6JS8ShWcUzpzdQtPsAclulF239dE3b8IRmdg3ISnlgk AaEPzXSHfqphRx2eAo6y-YsAECKUdKGgu/1.jpg))
Anyway, me and a friend tagged along so I could give a private workshop under some trees (UBC), it was nice, but MOST of the girls were not teenagers (younger or older) and ALL of the boys were 17+ at least. It's pretty scary that the audience for what is essentially a giant innuendo are that young, kinda like the J-brothers, selling sex to kids.

Anyway, how do I wind up with girls?
Lately I've began to magnetize them, I sit down and they walk around and SHOOMP, stuck to me.
How? I'm very very very calm, nurturing, caring, kind of like a worn in leather recliner in the shade of a big tree on a hot but breezy day, yeah.
People can sense who you are and where you are coming from, you can hide that but then they can tell you are hiding something or something is missing from your personality-- kind of like a baked good with an ingredient taken out or halved.

People always say be yourself, but you need to be comfortable with who you are first.
If you don't think girls will be attracted to you for who you are and you feel the desire to be with a girl then change at a deep level over time, and when your natural resting state is who you want to be then go for it.

That's my/my mentor's approach anyway.

[synkr0nized]

So was this thread for real?

[Premmy]

I believe there really is a hot barista, and since Snake is neurotic like that, he really did get all flustered, but everything else is a joke.

[synkr0nized]

I believe there really is a hot barista, and since Snake is neurotic like that, he really did get all flustered, but everything else is a joke.

So what you're saying is that banning Snake so that he won't post on NPF and blow whatever chance he may or may not have again was the correct decision?

[Premmy]

When have you ever made a correct decision?

[synkr0nized]

Wow.

Fuck you, Premonitions.

[Kim]

When have you ever made a correct decision?

Wow.

Fuck you, Premonitions.

This was a peaceful, cheery, upbeat thread about ruining Solid Snake's life beyond salvage, and you two had to go and ruin it.

[Nique]

I'm confused about the level of seriousness regarding Snake's banning.

[Premmy]

Snake's banning is Humurous, I think, Whereas Synk's fully justified offense at me being a dick is serious

[Meister]

seriously look at this shit. (http://api.ning.com/files/hj3qLju0-bTT-N8Vz3LJ6JS8ShWcUzpzdQtPsAclulF239dE3b8IRmdg3ISnlgk AaEPzXSHfqphRx2eAo6y-YsAECKUdKGgu/1.jpg)
I don't know anything about Twilight so someone else will have to tell me if that's supposed to be a vagina in that crest in-universe as well or if the design is just rather unfortunate.

[Rejected Again]

I don't know anything about Twilight so someone else will have to tell me if that's supposed to be a vagina in that crest in-universe as well or if the design is just rather unfortunate.

No. No, I think that vag was intentional.

Also, why didn't we ban Bob when he asked for dating advice? Only seems fair.

One More Thing! Snake, this is to cheer you up! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqR_SwwByMM&feature=related)

[Bob The Mercenary]

Also, why didn't we ban Bob when he asked for dating advice? Only seems fair.

Et tu Brute?

Seriously, is Snake's ban just fucking around, or was that for real? I'm guessing the former, but just on the offchance that one of my favorite all time posters is gone...

[Meister]

Naw if it was real you'd see a mod post floating around somewhere near one of his recent posts. No reason to worry about us going mad with power.

None at all.

e: Solid you should read Questionable Content because I firmly believe it is an accurate depiction of barista psychology and communicating with each other exclusively by sarcasm and violence seems to work out for all of them. :crossarms:

[Odjn]

You'd have to unban him to let him see that Meister, and I don't think that's a risk we can afford to take.

[shiney]

I am reasonably certain too, Snake, that maybe you should focus a little less on "I'm an awkward gangly stupid looking retard geek" and maybe a little more on "I have qualities that a person with girl parts might enjoy and find endearing".

And then go to a professional stylist and make them make you look like less of the former. :D

Don't stare at her tits, either.

Really I would say that if you manage to have a conversation with her that doesn't start with "Good morning sir, how may I help you?" then you've basically won anyways.

[Nikose Tyris]

I am reasonably certain too, Snake, that maybe you should focus a little less on "I'm an awkward gangly stupid looking retard geek" and maybe a little more on "I have qualities that a person with girl parts might enjoy and find endearing".

This is probably the best advice you've gotten in the history of ever. Just because having a big ego is unattractive does not mean having NO ego is very attractive. :/

I could list off quite a few traits that are admirable that you possess, and we've never met in person. I won't, though, because that could come off awkwardly homosexual and I'm not quite ready to begin flirting with you yet.

[Fenris]

I'm not quite ready to begin flirting with you yet.

I call bullshit.

[shiney]

^2

[Nikose Tyris]

I call bullshit.

Okay, fine.

HE'S not quite ready for me to begin flirting with him. I've turned enough men gay, thanks.

[Solid Snake]

I believe there really is a hot barista, and since Snake is neurotic like that, he really did get all flustered, but everything else is a joke.

That's correct; there really was a beautiful barista and I really was shy (I wouldn't say neurotic) enough to stutter and bumble my through the initial conversation.
My way of coping with my inability to communicate effectively with beautiful women involved coming here and making fun of myself in a series of self-deprecating jokes. Then everyone else apparently said "You know the only thing we enjoy more than seeing Snake make fun of himself? Us making fun of Snake!" So they joined in!

...In all sincerity though, I love self-deprecating humor just enough to actually find this thread a hysterical read and a confidence booster, because I'm strange like that.

I'll also mention something I recently said on Gamepad Dojo: I seem to have this problem where everyone around takes me super-seriously, even when I'm joking around (or trying to joke around, anyway.) This probably stems from the fact that approximately 95% of my posts are serious Discussion-style inquiries into law or politics or history or philosophy (or videogames) and the remaining 5% is me suddenly shocking everyone by trying to prove I do in fact have a sense of humor. That's equally true in real life, which probably explains why I'm not frequently invited to casual social situations. Who wants to go to a bar or a nightclub with me when all I'll do is bring up Nietzsche and Kirkegaard?

...Anyone?

I'm confused about the level of seriousness regarding Snake's banning.

The fact that Nique and Bob the Mercenary think there's an off-chance I've posted anything constituting a bannable offense actually upsets me more than Synk's halfhearted ban threat.

Watch as Synk bans me now just to prove me wrong!

So what you're saying is that banning Snake so that he won't post on NPF and blow whatever chance he may or may not have again was the correct decision?

Not to totally destroy your sense of self-worth or anything, but I highly doubt Nuklear Power Forums will be visited by any woman I'll ever pursue.

(...Aside from CelesJessa, Bobbey, Arlia Janet, Satan's Onion, Mesden, Flarecobra, Invisible Queen, batgirl, Lady Cygnet, Mauve Mage, and NonCon. But they all don't count because I met 'em here!)

Also I just now realized there are a surprising number of women at NPF these days. It's an oasis on the interwebs!

EDIT: I've been banned!!
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO

[shiney]

I find an amusing level of irony in your reputation level. In regards to your username, not the situation. If it were referring to the situation then it would be something like "Solid Snake is renowned for being romantically discombobulated" or somesuch.

Hmmm...

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Have you tried killing the Batman yet?

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Who wants to go to a bar or a nightclub with me when all I'll do is bring up Nietzsche and Kirkegaard?


I would! I haven't had a good drunken debate with anyone for so long it's unreal, and I always did enjoy that. Though I don't know anything about Nietzsche or Kirkegaard, my personal favourite topics when drunk are evolution, religion, and advanced scientific principles.

Also it would be great to have someone else around who is apparantly even more useless with women than I am, might help to take the edge off my own innadequacies.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Who wants to go to a bar or a nightclub with me when all I'll do is bring up Nietzsche and Kirkegaard?

...Anyone?





Snake you need to come hang out with us. This is all we do. In my old flat every day we were up until the wee hours arguing about obscure points of philosophy/history/politics/whatever. There are people out there, ou just gots to fin dthem.
We not talk about Nietzsche though, he's a dickhead.

[Solid Snake]

EPIC FAILURE TIME

I went to the coffeeshop today and she was working at the counter. I flashed a big smile and she smiled back.
She said, "Hey. You're back."
I tried to play up a usual dose of my self-deprecating sarcasm: "You're probably getting sick and tired of seeing my face, huh?"

At this point I hoped she'd ask "Why have you been spending so much time here?" or something because this could have been a great segway to a conversation about my legal internship and going to law school and what my plans were in life.

...Instead she just giggled, looked down and said "Yeah."

SHE AGREED THAT SHE WAS SICK OF SEEING ME

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! !!!!

So then I blushed, got sheepishly embarrassed, muttered my order (which I had to repeat because apparently my voice got so soft that she couldn't hear me initially), and sat my ass down.

I lose, Nuklear Power Forumites. I have lost.

EDIT: I even had the perfect setup, guys! It's a Friday night and my entire family is gone for the weekend. (I'm living at the parent's home for a month before moving into a new apartment.)
There should be like twelve parties at my house tonight but instead there's only a party between me, Pain, Suffering, Loneliness, and Misery.

AAARRRGGGGHHHH

[shiney]

Oh, you're so over-dramatic. It was the perfect opportunity to be like "To be honest I couldn't stay away! I wanted to ask if I could get your phone number, or treat you to some when you get off work". SOMETHING! Don't be spineless, [i]Solid Snake!!

[Solid Snake]

Oh, you're so over-dramatic.

Oh come on, I know you're married and all, but have some sympathy for those less fortunate.
She said she was sick and tired of seeing my face. :(

[Flarecobra]

Sounded like she was kinda joking to me, from what I see on there.

[Terex4]

...Instead she just giggled, looked down and said "Yeah."

Okay so I had a theory regarding this and asked my wife what she thought (I typically get her input when I'm at a loss when interpreting female actions). We agree that she either:

A) Didn't know how to respond and got all awkward.
B) Wasn't really paying attention, assumed you cracked a joke, giggled and agreed in order to save face.

So you may not have lost, your verbal interactions together may be akin to two virgins who never even saw porn on accident.

[Carade]

Just do what I do to pick up women. Take out your manhood and whens she starts cooing in lust, make her yours right in the middle of the coffeehouse.

And then the other customers start applauding and cheering you on.

[Magic_Marker]

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! !!!![/B]
?

AAARRRGGGGHHHH

!

It's just one girl mangs. There's like, boatloads of 'em. Plus you don't even know what she's like, and she doesn't know what you're like. All she's seen is a shy, awkward side of you that isn't near all of what you are. So she really didn't reject you. She just made a judgment call based on the (very) limited information she had.

Next girl show to more awesome side of you so they have better data to go with.

EDIT Or there's still a chance, like the others said. Stop being Mr Insecure and be SOLID FUCKING SNAKE!

[shiney]

Yeah it sounds pretty much EXACTLY like the above, to me. (Edit: The above meaning Terex.)

Go in one more time and just frickin get some nerve up and put an end to the uncertainty once and for all. Just DO it. The aftermath will be infinitely more relaxing regardless of which way it goes!

Come on, man!!

[Meister]

Two possible reasons:

1. she was joking
2. you've found a coffee house where they hate money and don't mind baristas driving customers away for no reason

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

e: if it's 2. my advice about Questionable Content is actually your best bet

[BloodyMage]

I think the fact that she giggled probably is a good sign. If she was honestly sick of seeing you she would have said it in monotone deadpan while glaring at you with disdain.

[shiney]

I'ma laugh if she's blogging about this nerdy but cute guy who's been at her coffee shop the past day or two and how she's totally bummed out that she blew it big time when she accidentally said she's sick of his face 'cause she got nervous.

My money is on that one.

[Magic_Marker]

Oh Noes, Solid and Barista Girl are all inside Randal Munroe's head

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/creepy.png

[Terex4]

I'ma laugh if she's blogging about this nerdy but cute guy who's been at her coffee shop the past day or two and how she's totally bummed out that she blew it big time when she accidentally said she's sick of his face 'cause she got nervous.

My money is on that one.
I was going to edit that into my last post. I'd put money down on her beating herself up thinking she blew it.

[shiney]

You know what you must do, SS. Godspeed.

[Loyal]

There is no goddamn way someone could be this bloody inept at basic social interaction.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

There is no goddamn way someone could be this bloody inept at basic social interaction.

Hi *waves to Loyal*

[Magic_Marker]

It's true! As someone who IM's with him, I would know.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

There is no goddamn way someone could be this bloody inept at basic social interaction.

I know right?! This is like, sitcom level of ineptitude! Even I'm not this bad at interacting with women, and I've pretty much resigned myself to eternal celibacy by this point.

Do you see what you've done Snake? You've made ME look like a goddamn pro at flirting and picking up chicks! This is unnaceptable!

[Seil]

Okay, Mr. Snake. I'm going to give you the best advice ever outside of getting a stylish stealth suit to go with that unlimited ammo bandana.

1) Be confident. Don't walk in and do a cheesy Dean Martin impression and feed her a line, just go in and talk to her, without blushing or sweating profusely.

2) One of the earliest methods for starting a conversation atwixt yourself and one of the female persuasion is to actually go up and talk to her. Think of something to say other than "Can I buy you a drink," and go up and talk to her.

3) Be cool. I don't mean like, Fonzi cool where you get yourself a leather jacket and a pompadour, I mean that if the conversation doesn't go your way, if she says no, if she pours hot coffee down your pants, don;t break down and get into the fetal position on the floor and turn into an emotional wreck, just end the conversation, and walk out.

4) Be yourself. I know you hear this, like everywhere, but if you ask her out or something and she says "Yes," if you've based the conversation on the "fact" you're... whatever, then the relationship will not work out because you're not really what you acted like when she agreed to go out to dinner.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

You guys seem to have discarded the possibility that Snake has a really ugly (though a bland, uninteresting kind of ugly) face too quickly.

[shiney]

Toss a witty one-liner of some kind on the way out if it goes south. You know, CSI Miami or something. A real cheesy over the top "Did he seriously just say that" line.

Like "Well, that's a shame, coffee-shop girl. Gues I just..."

sunglasses on

"...got roasted."

Walk out the door and wait for something behind you to explode.

[Magic_Marker]

Time this with July 4th.

[Solid Snake]

...Well, this thread has really backfired on me, huh? Now Hawk thinks I'm displaying sitcom style levels of ineptitude, and Smarty thinks I have an ugly face.
SOMEDAY I'LL SHOW YOU. I'll become a famous lawyer and sue you all for libel.

[shiney]

You'll have to be elected to something first, otherwise I'm pretty sure you're stuck with defamation of character.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

You'll have to be elected to something first, otherwise I'm pretty sure you're stuck with defamation of character.

What character?

[shiney]

Well, he's pretty clearly defaming Solid Snake.

Zing!

[Solid Snake]

You'll have to be elected to something first, otherwise I'm pretty sure you're stuck with defamation of character.

Nah man, anyone can sue for libel.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Nah man, anyone can sue for libel.

Yeah but the judge will take one look at your ugly face and sitcom level of ineptitude and throw the case out.

[Magic_Marker]

Dude...DUDE

You should take advise from, crabs dude.

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
My, oh, my
Look at the boy too shy
He ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Ain't that sad
Ain't it shame, too bad
You gonna miss the girl

Crabs know what's up.

[Kim]

Little did Solid Snake know that the beautiful barista was, in truth, NonCon...

[Terex4]

Dangerous territory you're wading into there Snake. I'd be forced to counter sue with my tragic tale of my unrealistic self confidence boost I received after reading this thread. As a result I figured I could get away with the sort of stunts only found in romantic comedies written by Adam Sandler which resulted in a divorce and numerous charges brought against me including (but not limited to) stalking, slander, animal abuse, kidnapping, indecent exposure, speeding, reckless endangerment, and possibly arson.

I think pain and suffering, mental anguish, fraud, and property damage should cover my case:cool:

[Magic_Marker]

Little did Solid Snake know that the beautiful barista was, in truth, NonCon...

[Directed by M. Night Shyamalan]

[Kim]

NonCon: The Last Heartbender

[Solid Snake]

Little did Solid Snake know that the beautiful barista was, in truth, NonCon...

If so, NonCon, you are officially the hottest shemale in the history of the universe.
(Also how did you make it out to this neck of the woods?)

[Hanuman]

My actor friend tells me that charisma is forged through social risk.

Your barista was just a high CR monsta, would have given lots of XP.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Just take 20 on the skill check.

[Hanuman]

Just take 20 on the skill check.

Win
+rep

[Magic_Marker]

Can't take 20 when there are consequences for failure.

[Hanuman]

Can't take 20 when there are consequences for failure.
There are always chances for failure with anything, taking 20 on a lockpick doesn't factor that you break your lockpick since it assumes you do it classy.

[Terex4]

Yes but taking 20 on this particular check would involve staring at her while he thought of what to say which would probably apply negatives.

Although I picture the concept of take 20 in this situation as a twix commercial.

[Kim]

(Also how did you make it out to this neck of the woods?)

http://i47.tinypic.com/jj1y0o.png

[Rejected Again]

Snake dude, I want to shout a sting of insults at you but I would be banned, so instead I'll just post this:

http://memegenerator.net/Foghorn-Leghorn/ImageMacro/887826/Foghorn-Leghorn-Thats-a-joke-son-You-missed-it-Flew-right-by-ya.jpg

The giggle meant she thought you were funny. Turn around soldier, get your ass back to the front lines!

[Hanuman]

Yes but taking 20 on this particular check would involve staring at her while he thought of what to say which would probably apply negatives.

Although I picture the concept of take 20 in this situation as a twix commercial.
Oh yes I would agree in a 20 minute timeframe taking 20 wouldn't apply, but let's say we extended each try to a day, failure means he leaves respectively and on decent terms. Taking 20 days to hammer in a diplomacy check by taking 20 isn't too bad, general dnd rules work that time extension = lower DC anyway.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I think I know why Snake chose the WTF tag.

What the Fail!

[shiney]

Haha Snake I'm sorry dude, you're getting it from both sides now - in-person fail, and internet mockery fail! Man!!

You know there is only one way, and it solves BOTH PROBLEMS GOGOGOGOGOGOGO

[The SSB Intern]

I have a feeling no one in this thread is getting laid tonight.

...Yes, I realize the implications there.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I had no idea Snake went both ways o_o.

He can use that to his advantage =D

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I sleep with the ghost of Marx every night

[Red Fighter 1073]

Okay from one hopeless reject to another, even if the barista thought he was funny or hell maybe even cute and all that, I mean what would you even say to someone who responded "Yeah" to Solid Snake's question of her being sick of him. Usually I can at least think of something clever to say when I'm not held on the spot during a conversation, but with this I've got nothing.

[The SSB Intern]

I sleep with the ghost of Marx every night

It doesn't count if you have to pay for it.

[synkr0nized]

http://i46.tinypic.com/2jdkga0.png

I can't currently give you more rep, but hahahaahahah yesssssssss.

Anyway, yes, me being retarded last night with a dumb fake ban, the joke being that Snake, not being able to waste his time posting here at NPF, would instead use his time coming up with and actually enacting his plan(s) to woo this woman. It wasn't about her reading this and getting mad or something.

Anywho, dumb.
Sorry, Prem. I must have been in a bad mood.


Also gonna echo that she might not have been sincere and that all hope is not lost.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

It doesn't count if you have to pay for it.

I pay with the contribution of my core to an organic whole. Does that count?

[Hanuman]

But, he was here to ask for advice with his plan?

[The SSB Intern]

I pay with the contribution of my core to an organic whole. Does that count?

I'd have to see photographic evidence from various angles to make a fair call. But, for God's sake, remember to put a censor bar on that beard.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

It's legal in Europe

[Krylo]

Okay from one hopeless reject to another, even if the barista thought he was funny or hell maybe even cute and all that, I mean what would you even say to someone who responded "Yeah" to Solid Snake's question of her being sick of him. Usually I can at least think of something clever to say when I'm not held on the spot during a conversation, but with this I've got nothing.

You laugh back and ask if a bag would make you more attractive.

[The SSB Intern]

It's legal in Europe

Yeah, but what isn't?

[Fenris]

Okay from one hopeless reject to another, even if the barista thought he was funny or hell maybe even cute and all that, I mean what would you even say to someone who responded "Yeah" to Solid Snake's question of her being sick of him. Usually I can at least think of something clever to say when I'm not held on the spot during a conversation, but with this I've got nothing.This:

You laugh back and ask if a bag would make you more attractive.

Or:

Toss a witty one-liner of some kind on the way out if it goes south. You know, CSI Miami or something. A real cheesy over the top "Did he seriously just say that" line.

Like "Well, that's a shame, coffee-shop girl. Guess I just..."

sunglasses on

"...got roasted."

Walk out the door and wait for something behind you to explode.

And then you walk back in 3 minutes later (with the sunglasses still on) and be like "So, when do you get off?"

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

You know, it occurs to me that the story of Solid Snake (placeholder character name), an up and coming law student who dreams of becoming a respected (and very rich) lawyer, who suffers from a severe case of social mal-adjustion and who is madly in love with the totally hot local coffee shop girl who he repeatedly tries to woo unsuccesfully with the help and advice of his insane internet friends while also dealing with the pressure of a stressful career in law in a crazy, crazy world, would make an awesome sitcom!

And by awesome, I of course mean terrible.

But man this shit would right itself. I gota get a script together and send this to a network somewhere!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

But man this shit would right itself. I gota get a script together and send this to a network somewhere!

Send it to Fox. They'll pick it up for a season, then cancel it making it an underground smash hit.

[BloodyMage]

I'd watch it.

[Si Civa]

And by awesome, I of course mean terrible.

But man this shit would right itself. I gota get a script together and send this to a network somewhere!

The only part worth fearing is that SS may sue you.

Expect then he can brag to this very girl that he has this very sitcom based on his very life.

It's a win-win situation! Expect women don't like men with that big of ego, oh no

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Send it to Fox. They'll pick it up for a season, then cancel it making it an underground smash hit.

And then I could get lucrative dvd royalties. Score!


The only part worth fearing is that SS may sue you.

Expect then he can brag to this very girl that he has this very sitcom based on his very life.

It's a win-win situation! Expect women don't like men with that big of ego, oh no


Dude, you just gave me a great idea for an episode!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I say each episode should have Solid trying to score with a new girl only to be rejected at the end. The only time it works, the girl turns out to be NonCon.

[Si Civa]

I say each episode should have Solid trying to score with a new girl only to be rejected at the end. The only time it works, the girl turns out to be NonCon.

First season's cliffhanger, man.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

First season's cliffhanger, man.

Infact, it's the series cliffhanger. The audience is left wondering, did Snake get with the girl?

[BitVyper]

Infact, it's the series cliffhanger. The audience is left wondering, did Snake get with the girl?

Man, the flame wars this will inspire....

[BloodyMage]

...and the fan fiction.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

...and the fan fiction.

Rule 34 and 63 will be instigated.

[Aldurin]

Here's your way to solve this whole issue in general.

Keep pressing using the best strategy you can think of (or take from us, remember the CPR) until she either accepts you or brutally rejects you to the point of your suicide. Either way you won't be stuck at this pointless longing.

[pochercoaster]

Snake: She probably wasn't serious. She's just been busy programming her brain to recreate 5267 recipes and all their variations (is this a Starbucks?) among other menial work. I dunno about you guys, but service jobs bore me to tears and consequently my mind has a tendency to wander, and when someone/something demands my attention it's like "Oh shit, need to interact with the real word for a second. Uh, can't think of words, too many lattes makes brain go something something. How about I just say 'yeah' and 'uh-huh' at appropriate intervals? Okay, that works." In other words, it's easy to let a "yeah" slip out even when it doesn't necessarily make sense.

(I've always been more prone to spacing out than most people, but it's not uncommon among crappy jobs...)

If she was sick of seeing you she probably wouldn't have said "hey, you're back" and giggled. If she was she probably would have found some menial task to do so she could pawn you off to another employee. At least, that's what me and my co workers do >>

Some other, miniscule advice: being polite (which I don't doubt you are) helps a lot. I know I went off on a rant in my last post, but that doesn't mean I don't think "that was a very well-mannered, well-groomed young man" on the occasion I get a customer that fits such a description. The thought is irrelevant since I'm taken, but the point is politeness makes a huge impression, particularly when you get lots of bitchy demanding customers every day.

Simply saying "Hello, how are you?" can go a long way in starting a conversation.

But, I'll also echo others' advice and recommend that you build up some more confidence. The longer you wait the harder it'll be, so when you can you should start putting yourself into situations that force you to interact with others.

After that I don't have much advice. I'm kind of socially inept and apathetic towards people in general. And I met my SO online. I think that makes me a lazy nerd.

[Kim]

Keep pressing

And when all else fails, pick the most suspicious statement and present every piece of evidence in your inventory. If you save beforehand you can't just reload the save every time you guess wrong!

[Si Civa]

Wait, wait, wait. Now I get it.

This girl need to break the law so Solid Snake can be her lawyer.

[Loyal]

That sounds like a conflict of interest. We really don't need to make this guy even more of a wreck, do we?

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

That sounds like a conflict of interest. We really don't need to make this guy even more of a wreck, do we?

What do you think we've been doing the last dozen pages or so.

[BitVyper]

Don't listen to everyone else. She was totally serious and probably hates you now. Your only hope is to come back with a hilariously fake moustache and hope she can't tell it's you. Then you just wear that fake moustache for the rest of your life.

[Premmy]

Don't listen to everyone else. She was totally serious and probably hates you now. Your only hope is to come back with a hilariously fake moustache and hope she can't tell it's you. Then you just wear that fake moustache for the rest of your life.

I'd imagine there'd be a transitional period wherein he starts to grow the mustache himself.

[Hanuman]

It's a win-win situation!Expect women don't like men with that big of ego, oh no
Guys are jerks, women like guys, ergo women like jerks.

-Guy


OR

A mind exposed to high amounts of testosterone will usually make a guy both lean towards being a jerk and lean towards smelling better. Ego, confidence, victory, happiness, cool smarmy attitude (http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u134/Ryomalol/Random%20Stuff/trollface.png) generally makes a guy smell better, how that is achieved is irrelevant, it's all chemical.

[BitVyper]

I'd imagine there'd be a transitional period wherein he starts to grow the mustache himself.

It's physically impossible to grow a moustache that resembles the sort of fake he'll be wearing.

[Nique]

fivepagestoolate!
The fact that Nique and Bob the Mercenary think there's an off-chance I've posted anything constituting a bannable offense actually upsets me more than Synk's halfhearted ban threat.

I'll be the first to admit that I have a hard time keeping up with the volume of sarcasm we get here. I've got a little graph charting how much of an asshole any NPF member is being on any given day.


Snake, if it's not too late try asking her out to eat but make sure you mention specifically what type of food you're going out for. I mean, specifically.

'Hey there *barista girl* would you like to go out some time and eat some... chicken breast with me? Perhaps a nice juicy thigh?'

Feel free to throw in 'bull testicles' but I mean, don't go overkill here. Try and play it close to the chest.

[BitVyper]

You could always check her walkthrough and see what stats you need for her path. Or you could just use the KONAMIMAN code to max out all your stats. This has the added benefit of allowing you to introduce yourself as Konami Man.

[Solid Snake]

Well, BitVyper, I looked it up in the strategy guide and it turns out to initiate the Social Link with the Barista Girl (Lovers Arcana), I need to max my Courage and Expression stats.

...This is terrible news, as Courage was the one stat I had been slacking off on a bit. I've been working pretty exclusively on Intelligence and Diligence. I'm decent on Expression, at least in its written form, but given my low Courage stat I rarely am capable of expressing myself adequately and taking risks while selecting proper dialogue choices.

For example, earlier today I selected the third option from the top when prompted, which led me to attempt a self-deprecating joke. Clearly this was not the right choice, however, as it led to her shutting down the conversation. Next time I'll have to choose the first option (declaring my interest in her in a straight-forward fashion) or the fourth option (resulting in me doing an ancient tribal dance of courtship while making various animal noises.)

Despite my failure today, the strategy guide has suggested that I've inadvertently advanced several online Social Links (in the Hermit Arcana) with fellow Nuklear Power Forum members! So all is not lost. It's still possible I could achieve an All Social Links Max playthrough by the end of the year. (Though apparently, that requires sleeping with several individuals to reach SLink Level 10, including NonCon...I'm not sure how I feel about that, but apparently reaching Level 10 without pursuing a romantic relationship is impossible.)

[BitVyper]

I guess you're going to be spending some more nights doing karaoke then.

[Kim]

Real men increase their courage by beating optional bosses.

[BitVyper]

Real men already beat all the optional bosses. Snake, go beat up the coffee shop manager. He's probably a demon in disguise or trying to bring about the end of the world or something.

[Solid Snake]

Real men already beat all the optional bosses. Snake, go beat up the coffee shop manager. He's probably a demon in disguise or trying to bring about the end of the world or something.

Sorry: I'm too busy trying my damnedest to get drunk.

By the way, for the next few hours I'm unilaterally transforming this thread into the "Ask Solid Snake Random Questions While He's Drunk and/or Mock Him For Striking Out With the Barista While He's Drunk" thread. I'm on my third beer and will be moving on to Jack after that, and I'm staying in and online tonight, so this is your chance to hear exactly what I sound like when my blood alcohol content is well above the norm.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

you know sometimes you need a shot of liquid courage to ask a girl out.

[Bob The Mercenary]

blood alcohol content is well above the norm.

Dude...just...you know...well...you know...

...be careful.

Also, if it's any consolation, I found out the girl I wanted to ask out in the other thread is taken. And the other girl I wanted to ask out had a breakdown, started taking anti-anxiety meds, and now hallucinates about demons.

So...yeah.

[Jagos]

Oh come on, I know you're married and all, but have some sympathy for those less fortunate.
She said she was sick and tired of seeing my face. :(

...

*smacks SS*

She wanted you to keep the joke going. Stop being so self deprecating. Also, how did her face look when she said it?

[BitVyper]

"Ask Solid Snake Random Questions While He's Drunk

Where did you hide the bodies?

[Solid Snake]

Where did you hide the bodies?

Bodies? What bodies?

...I assure you there's absolutely nothing suspicious in my basement, just for the record. Nope. Nothing at all. No reason whatsoever to go in there.

[Kim]

WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE

[BitVyper]

WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE

Probably picturing me. Lots of guys do it. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Bob The Mercenary]

WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE

Because he's making blind love.

*badum psh*

[Solid Snake]

WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE

Oh NonCon, you're ridiculous as ever.
(You should at least wait until receiving confirmation I'm absolutely shitfaced before trying to seduce me so brazenly.)

[Kim]

http://i46.tinypic.com/f0aqs9.jpg

[Solid Snake]

http://i46.tinypic.com/f0aqs9.jpg

I'm beginning to think that image works better for you than for me, NonnyConny.
Just wait a half hour or so, I'm just getting warmed up.

[Fenris]

WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE

Because you're ugly. :I

[Solid Snake]

As an aside it's freaking weird how I've gone seven years barely getting IMed by any of you NPF fools and then today rolls around and four of you, at random and without apparent provocation, all bombard me with IMs. That's four people who never IMed me before today.

I'm not sure whether to feel loved or offended. It's been seven years peoples! Seven years.

[Si Civa]

Is it possible make love with this thread? :|

(I've my defense! I haven't slept at all and it's 8:30 AM in this cold and harsh land where summer lives for to laugh to us)

[Kim]

Because you're ugly. :I

http://i47.tinypic.com/t0417s.jpg

[Seil]

I still say you should stab yourself in the crotch with a fork.

What kind of Seil (http://www.spike.com/video/make-stripper-your/2906035) would I be if my post didn't contain a video? (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/957788/) (Just listen to the person talk about why this happens)

[Solid Snake]

YOU know what would be a great ieea
If I facebok friended her tonight
I think that'd be a great idea
Don't all of you?
im such an aweosme guy
she'd be a fool not to accept

[Hanuman]

Well, BitVyper, I looked it up in the strategy guide and it turns out to initiate the Social Link with the Barista Girl (Lovers Arcana), I need to max my Courage and Expression stats.

...This is terrible news, as Courage was the one stat I had been slacking off on a bit. I've been working pretty exclusively on Intelligence and Diligence. I'm decent on Expression, at least in its written form, but given my low Courage stat I rarely am capable of expressing myself adequately and taking risks while selecting proper dialogue choices.

For example, earlier today I selected the third option from the top when prompted, which led me to attempt a self-deprecating joke. Clearly this was not the right choice, however, as it led to her shutting down the conversation. Next time I'll have to choose the first option (declaring my interest in her in a straight-forward fashion) or the fourth option (resulting in me doing an ancient tribal dance of courtship while making various animal noises.)

Despite my failure today, the strategy guide has suggested that I've inadvertently advanced several online Social Links (in the Hermit Arcana) with fellow Nuklear Power Forum members! So all is not lost. It's still possible I could achieve an All Social Links Max playthrough by the end of the year. (Though apparently, that requires sleeping with several individuals to reach SLink Level 10, including NonCon...I'm not sure how I feel about that, but apparently reaching Level 10 without pursuing a romantic relationship is impossible.)

Int/Cha is a really good way to start out, but you need Wis now buddy.
What's Wis good for? Will Saves vs mind compulsions, sense motive checks, heal/spot/listen.

Sure a gal loves a guy she can 'ave a conversation with, but that's what friends are for, if you want a gal to open up to you you gotta show her that you can understand her and that even when bad shit happens (and it will, 5% chance on a d20 to roll a 1) that you can take your heal check and use it where it counts.
Plus, seriously will save vs her charm. Gotta earn some respect by showing her you can take your social maneuvering surfboard and ride those waves.

Do it up.

YOU know what would be a great ieea
If I facebok friended her tonight
I think that'd be a great idea
Don't all of you?
im such an aweosme guy
she'd be a fool not to accept

You can't be c re us.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

YOU know what would be a great ieea
If I facebok friended her tonight
I think that'd be a great idea
Don't all of you?
im such an aweosme guy
she'd be a fool not to accept

Dude. don't. bad idea.

[Solid Snake]

I'm telin you guys alls I have to do is friend her then i send her apeom or two ive written and when she read smy poetry she'l be all over me like butter on rhye

ITS LIKE KEVIN GARNET SAID IN 2008 WHEN THE RIGHT TAEM WON NBA

**ANYTHIN IS POSSSSSIBBBELLLEEE

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

For the first time I say this, but we need Seil to save this for the archives.

[Seil]

YOU know what would be a great ieea
If I facebok friended her tonight
I think that'd be a great idea
Don't all of you?
im such an aweosme guy
she'd be a fool not to accept

You know what would be better than a mod using SS' account as a meat puppet?

Me tracking him down and friending him on FB.

You know I could.

[Nique]

This thread is like watching a Dali painting. Like, you guys are all clocks and you're just all over the place.

Continue.

[Si Civa]

This thread is like watching a Dali painting. Like, you guys are all clocks and you're just all over the place.

Continue.

It's so much more like this actually. ("http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HylA8-117Cc&feature=related)

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Get a friend to accidentely break her phone, stock the phone store with all your friends- thus get her number, drunken texts.

[Seil]

Wait, why can't we drunken text her now?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

We don't have her number. Try to keep up.

[Hanuman]

I'm telin you guys alls I have to do is friend her then i send her apeom or two ive written and when she read smy poetry she'l be all over me like butter on rhye

ITS LIKE KEVIN GARNET SAID IN 2008 WHEN THE RIGHT TAEM WON NBA

**ANYTHIN IS POSSSSSIBBBELLLEEE

Post it here before you send, make sure it's not pretentious sounding.

[Meister]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're probably getting sick and tired of seeing my face

[Corel]

Oh Snake.

This thread is excellent, isn't this thread excellent? There's so much rep I have to give out in so little time.

I'm very proud of you today internet, a minumum utterance of "pix plz" from people.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're probably getting sick and tired of seeing my face, aren't you?

There we go.

Edit:

you know sometimes you need a shot of liquid courage to ask a girl out.

YOU know what would be a great ieea
If I facebok friended her tonight
I think that'd be a great idea
Don't all of you?
im such an aweosme guy
she'd be a fool not to accept

I believe that this idea might not pan out too well in his favour.

[Rejected Again]

Edit:
I believe that this idea might not pan out too well in his favour.

Says you!


But really, Snake. Try slapping her ass with some one behind you. When you do it, just keep walking as wait for the other guy to get slapped. When this happens, turn on your heels and chew the fucker out. This method has a 33.33% chance of success. Even if it fails, you got to feel her up a bit. Its win-win.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Pretend to be an alien, when men in black show up- ambush them and steal their memory wipers, change her memories.

[Aldurin]

Slip some "medication" in her coffee when she's not looking, then come back later with romantic music playing from a nearby boombox, walk in semi-slowmotion toward her and then kiss her.

If she slaps you kiss her again. If the police come for you then pull out that fake mustache.

[Ecks]

So... wait a sec... how'd Snake get banned? I totally missed it. TOTALLY missed it.

Anywho, refer to big thread of dating/meeting womenz advice (http://nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?p=1044451#post1044451) for my thoughts on what's totally cool about dating/meeting womenz.

[The Argent Lord]

I can never tell with the amount of sarcasm going on around here, does anyone ACTUALLY think he was that drunk? Because I don't think he was that drunk.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I can never tell with the amount of sarcasm going on around here, does anyone ACTUALLY think he was that drunk? Because I don't think he was that drunk.

I talked to him last night. He was drunk.

[Nikose Tyris]

Holy fuck was he ever drunk.

[Solid Snake]

...Can we just pretend last night didn't happen?
Because I want to pretend last night didn't happen.

[Meister]

He's gonna wake up and be all hungover and need some coffee. :ohdear:

[Kim]

...Can we just pretend last night didn't happen?
Because I want to pretend last night didn't happen.

You... You don't love me anymore? T_T

[Fenris]

So, did you actually do anything stupid regarding hot barista or did you just talk about it a whole lot here?

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

So, did you actually do anything stupid regarding hot barista or did you just talk about it a whole lot here?

If his IM conversation from last night is any indication then yes.

[The Argent Lord]

Oh wow. He was actually that drunk. Um... wow. I kinda assumed it was on par with the rest of the silliness in the thread.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I vote that this thread be archived.

[Fenris]

Who the hell gave you a vote?

[Kim]

The liberals.

[Fenris]

:argh:

[Solid Snake]

So, did you actually do anything stupid regarding hot barista or did you just talk about it a whole lot here?

No. I attempted to write her a poem but passed out about halfway through; I woke up a couple hours later and just meandered my way into bed.

I still have the half-finished poem saved, though. It's a rather pathetic display of brazen misspellings, grammatical errors and ludicrous compliments. (I think she would have liked it!)

Also, Quick Update: I went to the coffeeshop today in hopes of seeing her again, but she wasn't there. I felt obligated to purchase a drink anyway, as strutting in only to strut back out again would have been seen as rather...awkward. Pursuing this girl could end up costing me quite a bit of money.

I made up for my sorrows by purchasing Dragon Age: Origins and Dragon Age: Awakening for the PS3. I fully blame greed (both the user and the sinful concept) for putting me out nearly $90.

...What's up with all these legal questions, by the way? Is this just a newfound, half-hearted attempt to get my attention?

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

No. I attempted to write her a poem but passed out about halfway through; I woke up a couple hours later and just meandered my way into bed.

I still have the half-finished poem saved, though. It's a rather pathetic display of brazen misspellings, grammatical errors and ludicrous compliments. (I think she would have liked it!)

Snake. Get on AIM so I can slap some smarts into you.

[Hanuman]

Snake do you know how to dance?

[bluestarultor]

Snake do you know how to dance?

Even if not, the attempt will get him a lot further than poetry ever will.

If you dance in the middle of a cafe, you're just crazy. If you slip poetry to a worker, you're creepy. The first will get you kicked out of the store. The second will get you slapped with a restraining order.

[BloodyMage]

What if he dances while reciting poetry?

[Hanuman]

Oh you don't actually have to dance, it's just that you know how.
And no I don't mean headbang or tap dance or break dance or any jigging jerking zamming or any weird noodlery, I mean more like improv partner dancing or expressive/creative styles.

You can exist mentally and socially as a poet without her ever seeing your poetry, same as you can exist physically as a physical artist without ever dancing with her.
But when you do, BAM.

[Kim]

Snake needs to learn how to play guitar. Or at least look like he knows how.

[Magic_Marker]

What lev is saying is once you can dance with flaming sword chucks, you will be able to win any heart.

[Loyal]

What lev is saying is once you can dance with flaming sword chucks, you will be able to win any heart.Even if you have to carve it out of 'em.

No, Snake, you should not actually do this.

[Solid Snake]

Snake do you know how to dance?

I know the basics of swing dancing (I've taken a few lessons and I at least consider myself "better than some other men," though I'd still say that dancing is not a strong suit with me.)

Aside from that, I'm pretty terrible at dancing.

On the other hand, my poetry's generally gotten positive recognition. With that in mind, we clearly know which direction I should take to woo this girl off her feet. :dance:

EDIT:


No, Snake, you should not actually do this.

I love how you feel this is something you actually need to clarify.
Do I inspire that little confidence?

[Hanuman]

What lev is saying is once you can dance with flaming sword chucks, you will be able to win any heart.
Protip: Guys like swords more than girls.

[Kim]

I love how you feel this is something you actually need to clarify.
Do I inspire that little confidence?

YOU know what would be a great ieea
If I facebok friended her tonight
I think that'd be a great idea
Don't all of you?
im such an aweosme guy
she'd be a fool not to accept

.

[Solid Snake]

Look, NonCon, you're just making the critical error of failing to distinguish between Sober Snake and Drunk Snake.

[Krylo]

Drunk Snake.

Speaking of--post that poem you wrote. Or half wrote. Whatever.

All grammatical and spelling errors intact.

[Kim]

Look, NonCon, you're just making the critical error of failing to distinguish between Sober Snake and Drunk Snake.

SHE AGREED THAT SHE WAS SICK OF SEEING ME

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! !!!!

You're right. Sober Snake has better spelling.

[Solid Snake]

Speaking of--post that poem you wrote. Or half wrote. Whatever.

All grammatical and spelling errors intact.

...Look man, I'm already this close to supplanting Seil as Nuklear Power's resident punching bag.
Do I really want to make matters even worse?

You're right. Sober Snake has better spelling.

...
......
......The thing I hate most about debating with you is these moments when you're right.

[Krylo]

...Look man, I'm already this close to supplanting Seil as Nuklear Power's resident punching bag.
Do I really want to make matters even worse?


Yes.

[Kim]

At least three paragraphs are about how "like Von Karma you give me an objection".

[Solid Snake]

At least three paragraphs are about how "like Von Karma you give me an objection".

Well the poem was video game themed.
Although I think my favorite line was something to the effect of "I'm not a jerk like Squall, I'll never just say 'Whatever.'"

Although with misspellings it was...well, it didn't look quite like that.

[Hanuman]

...Look man, I'm already this close to supplanting Seil as Nuklear Power's resident punching bag.
Do I really want to make matters even worse?
Look, NonCon, you're just making the critical error of failing to distinguish between Sober Snake and Drunk Snake.
...
Yes.


Gotta side with Krylo, even if you didn't intentionally choose to turn your comment from facetious posturing to dry sarcasm (in the instance you probably didn't post drunk) you intended at least the risk of misinterpretation from an additional layer (confirmed later in post-post) rather than doubling back and undoing the previous layer of risk with a clarification.

[Solid Snake]

...

Gotta side with Krylo, even if you didn't intentionally choose to turn your comment from facetious posturing to dry sarcasm (in the instance you probably didn't post drunk) you intended at least the risk of misinterpretation from an additional layer (confirmed later in post-post) rather than doubling back and undoing the previous layer of risk with a clarification.

That...
That sentence doesn't make any sense.

[Aldurin]

Just walk into the coffee shop and kiss her so that this thread doesn't degrade to death threats (or image threats from Seil, either way).

[Seil]

Threats? Who said anything about threats? My will is subject only to my whimsy.

...Sorry, that was a typo. I meant to type "whiskey."

[shiney]

Don't go with your poem until after you actually have spoken to her for some purpose other than ordering coffee.

[krogothwolf]

I can't really tell, but did we actually avoid going to cheesy pickup lines on this one? After 240+ posts? Impressive.

But Snake, if you don't ask her out soon, someone else will! You have to act on it fast!!!

[Krylo]

That...
That sentence doesn't make any sense.

Yeah I don't know what he's talking about either. But I do know this: You need to post that goddamn poem here.

[Magic_Marker]

Ten Bucks says he wrote a sonnett.