Bullets and Bacon: Let's Play Oregon Trail!

[Bob The Mercenary]

Part 1: The First Leg


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And so our adventurers arrived in Independance to load up on supplies before their journey, stopping along the way to greet the commonfolk.

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I know exactly what you mean...

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Once rpgdemon finished arming the little ones to the teeth, he proceeded to the dry goods store and purchased 500 pounds of bacon, 50 pounds of bullets, 2 rifles, 2 shotguns, a revolver, 6 oxen, and 51 one-pound jugs of whiskey. Also all 8 available grandfather clocks, effectively hamstringing the town's ability to tell time.

With what money he had left after this spree, he bought one set of clothing for each person, raincoats, boots, hats, water canteens (empty), water jugs (also empty), assorted tools and utensils, and a deck of cards. Cholera Joe decided he wanted a couple pounds of tea and coffee to finally settle the age old dilemma of which one was the better drink. Because lord knows, if a 2000 mile ride can't settle it then nothing could.

The rest of the wagon train immediately took a liking to him.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot7.jpg

He accepted the job offer with open arms and, with all four babies in tow, and Joe sleeping on a pile of whiskey jugs with bacon for a pillow, they set forth on their perilous gambit for the west. With a clear sky and the wind at their backs, nothing could stop th...

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Oh god dammit. That wasn't even, like literally ten feet from the town.

What do we do? Do we risk life and limb this early?

[mauve]

Build a bridge out of the babies (or those creepy-lookin' pioneers in the "You got chosen to be the trail guide!" picture--seriously, half those guys look like they'd be trying to kill you in your sleep!) and drive across. Problem solved.

[Kim]

Ford it. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG

[RobinStarwing]

Try to find another path! Maybe run into indians!

[Bob The Mercenary]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot9.jpg

THAT! THAT could go wrong!

Oh well, rpg managed to repair the wagon and we continue on our way. Further updates to come.

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3 miles down, 1997 to go...

[Specterbane]

Cholera Joe is no Flooded Trail's bitch. He should be Fording all of these. If he can stand 4 babies screaming at him and decide between coffee or tea in 2000 miles, he can take some wet rivers/trails.

[rpgdemon]

Man, I'm such a useful asset.

[RobinStarwing]

Dang it! We went another path and all we got was this stupid broken axle rpg had to fix. >_<

Where are the Indians when we need Indians! I want death and scalps and to bury someone and put on their tombstone "RIP Here lies Idjit" right now. :p

[Thadius]

Armed babies. Grandfather clocks. Bacon and coffee. Whisky out the wazoo.

ARMED BABIES.

I cannot 5 this thread hard enough or fast enough. Plan on doing any more trips after this one, Bob?

[Solid Snake]

Placing bets on Nikose as the first to die.

[Nikose Tyris]

Placing bet on Nikose as first to break a limb.

[Osterbaum]

Placing bets that Kille will survive the longest.

e: Also that no one will make it to the end.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Um...hmm.....

The game didn't save. Or it did and it won't load. I mean, it's not a big deal, I can get us easily back to where we were in twenty minutes. But, I'd like to find a way to change the save path without resorting to vmware. I don't even know if the save path is the problem at this point.

[Bob The Mercenary]

And we're back! Turns out games meant for Windows 95 don't work too well with Windows 7 64-bit.

Managed to get us past where we left off, but this time I managed to bump us up to 9 grandfather clocks before we went broke and also brought a few pounds of tobacco for ol' Cholera.


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Ford it?

[Solid Snake]

We always ford the damn river.

If you EVER caulk your wagon you are unAmerican.

[Kim]

http://i54.tinypic.com/of1v2q.png

[Bob The Mercenary]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot12.jpg

MY PLAYING CARDS!


After that we ran into another flooded trail which I ALSO tried to ford...


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Snake, you are hereby banned from any decision making for the duration of forever.

[akaSM]

NonCon's image says it all fourd it

Also, if (when) you die, you might want to try surviving a different situation (http://hatsproductions.com/organtrail.html), who know, you might have more luck against zombies :P.

Dammit, ninja'd. Oh, look at that cute animal EAT IT

[RobinStarwing]

Extra Meat is always good!


Also, if (when) you die, you might want to try surviving a different situation (http://hatsproductions.com/organtrail.html), who know, you might have more luck against zombies :P.

Only if he brings a Cleric to the party. Turn Undead is awesome. :3:

[Bob The Mercenary]

I mean, the ox is still alive. It might just be a sprain.

[akaSM]

What ox? That's clearly a weird rat thing.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Chose to continue onward, hit some fog, then saw one of the most fantastic things I've ever read...


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot14.jpg

[Kim]

WALK IT OFF, HORSECOCK

[akaSM]

If you had eaten the giant rat thing, Horsecock would've been better...

Maybe resting would help him now.

[rpgdemon]

Increase pace, set it to meager rations. You need to make it before he gets worse.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Maybe if all we had to eat wasn't a metric ton of BACON.

[Edit] Meager rations set, we're going to take our chances and keep going by majority vote.

[EditEdit] More updates tomorrow, I'm beat.

[EditEditEdit] We've only gone six miles.

[Thadius]

'Horsecock has food poisoning' has got to be one of the weirder sentences I've seen a game produce yet.

Oh lord almighty, you lot are going to try and make it make weirder ones, aren't you?

[Flarecobra]

Weird is good!

ONWARD!

[Specterbane]

Oh lord, someone needs to crop a picture of that kid for an Avatar, with the caption as the title.

[Solid Snake]

Snake, you are hereby banned from any decision making for the duration of forever.

Rob, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you this time, but the answer is always to ford.

[Solid Snake]

Also, if (when) you die, you might want to try surviving a different situation (http://hatsproductions.com/organtrail.html), who know, you might have more luck against zombies :P.


Pinkie Pie is now leading Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Applejack on the Organ Trail.
(I just didn't feel right putting poor Fluttershy up to the task.)

EDIT: Twilight Sparkle was bitten by a zombie nnnnnnnnnooooooooooooo

[Kim]

http://i55.tinypic.com/2cgohvd.jpg

[Flarecobra]

You know what sucks? I kept having my fuel stolen!

[RobinStarwing]

Tough it out you maggot! Food poisoning won't kill yo...oh it will?

Hmm...ah well sooner or later we all meet our maker.

By the way, where the hell does one get a Metric Ton of Bacon and does it dance? Might want to keep it from cutting footloose otherwise everybodies going to cut footloose.

[Magus]

Organ Trail was fun but Jackman had to shoot Juan because he got sick and ate too much, and Joe Eagle and Ace wanted to turn into zombies. And Pearlie wandered off and frankly I was figuring she'd be Jackman's mate in the post-apocalytpic future.

So then Jackman became a grim cipher and set his pace to grueling and his food intake to maximum. He made it to Albuquerque before the G-Virus zombified him.

[Flarecobra]

http://sadpanda.us/images/520773-INCIXTC.jpg

Damnit Louis!

[akaSM]

When I played, it was me, Alex (random name :P), Mia (random again :P), Ruby (random name for a White Mage from FF1) and Zoey (the last character I played as in L4D2)

Basically, Ruby died after being incapacitated for an unknown reason, I had to shoot Alex before he bit anyone and Zoey wandered off...a few miles before getting to the end :argh:. Only Mia and me made it to the end. I'm guessing Zoey wandered off because she had more than enough scavenging in L4D

Besides those little inconveniences, it was a nice ride ^_^. BTW, I don't remember who I played as but, I remember I had around 16 hours to gather supplies at the beginning.

[Magus]

I played a lawyer and you are only given 8 hours, I was unaware the professions were supposed to be different difficulties. That's because I didn't feel like reading about the differences because I'm hardcore like that.

[Bob The Mercenary]

So after a short hiatus our heroes continue onward and hit the city of Westport.


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Hah! I would just...hate to be riding with those...idiots. I wouldn't trust that publication though.


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You also don't take kindly to fashion, apparently. Really, flannel with that jacket and hat? I'm apalled.

Horsecock was doing really well for a while, but his food poisoning has returned. We're at Santa Fe which will probably be our last evidence of civilization for a while. I restocked our supply of bacon, but they also have a well-stocked pharmacy here. Do we heal Horsecock?

[Krylo]

You can't go gallivanting around with a sick Horsecock.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Went into town and bought a single water jug, I also checked our food supply and realized we are almost completely out of whiskey. The entire wagon must be sloshed. Unfortunately there was none for sale.

Went through two thunderstorms and forded two flooded paths without incident. We are now at Blue Mound, about 60 miles out.

[RobinStarwing]

Went into town and bought a single water jug, I also checked our food supply and realized we are almost completely out of whiskey. The entire wagon must be sloshed. Unfortunately there was none for sale.

Went through two thunderstorms and forded two flooded paths without incident. We are now at Blue Mound, about 60 miles out.

Wow! Burning Wood!

Still...no indians or death yet.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Two more thunderstorms and an extreme heat warning (we're up to 96 degrees) and we've reached the Kansas River. I know how with these rivers all of you have been like

http://www.titaniumteddybear.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/fuck-everything-car-guy.jpg

But I genuinely believe we will be destroyed crossing this river if we don't just pay the man. Also, we are almost out of anything liquid except the grease dripping from the bacon.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot19.jpg

[Krylo]

Ford that bitch.

[Solid Snake]

We ford every river, Mr. Dole.

Every. River.

[Flarecobra]

Kill the ferryman, ride it across, take ferry with you.

[Krylo]

Kill the ferryman, ride it across, take ferry with you.

Changing vote to this. Except instead of riding the ferry across, FORD ANYWAY.

[Flarecobra]

I forgot something.

Loot Ferryman's corpse.

[Thadius]

You're playing the wrong game for that, Flare. And I won't be NEARLY drunk/sleep deprived enough to start up a Nethack LP for another week at least.

[Flarecobra]

What's Nethack?

[Bob The Mercenary]

Upon reaching the river, rpg consulted with Cholera Joe about possible options to get across. Joe's inhibitions, being completely wiped out by the whiskey, said the following:

"Ford that bitch."

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Other members of the wagon train, seeing the flooded wagon left in their wake, turned and assisted with getting it upright, allowing the lost goods to float downstream. rpg emerged first carrying the children, Joe came second holding a whiskey jug tight to his chest. rpg, after regaining his wits, did a head count to make sure no one was missing.

"Okay, I'm alive. So is Joe, kinda. Lets' see..."
"Derps is okay."
"Horsecock is throwing up both bile and river water now, but at least he's still breathing."
"Nikose is..."

...

"Nikose?"

...

"Where the heck is..."





















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[Marc v4.0]

Yup

[POS Industries]

Continue immediately.

[Osterbaum]

Let's just continue without a burial.

[Kim]

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[RobinStarwing]

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FINAL-FUCKING-LY! Someone freaking died!

Here lies Nikose
May he row-row-row his boat in peace
Gently drown in the Kansas
Merrily Merrily Merrily
Life sucks and than you die!

I am saying we provide him burial and put that on his tombstone, if possible.

[Fenris]

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[Shyria Dracnoir]

>Chop up Nikose's corpse and use it to replace the 35lbs of lost bacon

[Flarecobra]

http://sadpanda.us/images/535362-A7VGQOX.gif

Done. Moving on. :P

[Krylo]

Move on imme...>Chop up Nikose's corpse and use it to replace the 35lbs of lost bacon
Uh, immediately do this, I mean.

[Flarecobra]

They'd have to fish up Nikose though.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

I blame the game for confusing me. Why show people gathered around a gravesite when the deceased is currently floating down the river like a lost rubber ducky? It's the ox/prarie dog all over again.

[Krylo]

They'd have to fish up Nikose though.

Fishing is a fantastic way to get food.

[Thadius]

The river will carry Nik out to sea eventually, and then we can consider the issue moot.

Onwards! Horsecock is still alive! You must slay the currently-invincible Horsecock!

[Bob The Mercenary]

Broke a wagon wheel after going through some thick fog (which rpg's skills saved us from again), and now I'm beginning to second guess the money I spent on an oversized wagon.

We made it about 120 miles out to St. Mary's Mission, a small merchant outpost. We restocked a bit on bacon and whiskey and I bought a blanket for horsecock. Also, bought candles for a candlelight vigil, should anyone of any importance actually die along the way.

Welp, the Red Vermilion River. This one's a calm stream, only two feet deep. We shouldn't have as much trouble as...


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot22.jpg

...

There goes another grandfather clock. The count's at 7. Also, the babies are soaked again.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot23.jpg


I wonder why. Couldn't be the dead body we threw overboard or the three times we've flipped the wagon.

There is a real chance that rpg gets fired as trail guide if we don't slow up, which would end the game. I say we sit back, play some cards and rest a bit.

[Thadius]

You can't slay Horsecock if you get fired. Rest a bit, play some Canasta. Try to win some booze back from Joe, if you can.

Your currency should be bacon and whiskey when you reach the end of the trail.

[Krylo]

Execute the leader of the dissenters, and place his corpse on a stake for the crows. Feast in its shadow.

Never again shall they doubt you.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Came up to a river with fresh spring water, so we rested a few days so as to not get fired. Also increased rations to filling. Maybe if their mouths are full they won't be able to complain as much. And the water and rest seems to have cured Horsecock.

[Edit] Came to another river. God help us all.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Fuck.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot24.jpg



I've also run into a problem where no matter how long we rest for, the people still fire rpg. Might have to trade some grandfather clocks for food. Since we are now...you know...out of food. And spend, like, a month resting.

[Solid Snake]

How did Nikose die first
And there was no reference to Snake placing money on Nikose dying first
Seriously
How does that happen

[RobinStarwing]

Fuck.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot24.jpg



I've also run into a problem where no matter how long we rest for, the people still fire rpg. Might have to trade some grandfather clocks for food. Since we are now...you know...out of food. And spend, like, a month resting.

Hunt dude! Or did you not bring any guns to take down buffalo and game?

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Wagon morale is low

Best take care of that before the babies get fussy. You don NOT want a wagon full of colicky kids.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Hunt dude! Or did you not bring any guns to take down buffalo and game?

Why didn't I think of that!

On it.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Um...

Hmm.

So we got to another river, obviously I prepared to ford it. In the meantime I stopped for a while to refill our canteens.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot24-1.jpg


Problem #1 Lost over half our remaining grandfather clocks.


Then I went hunting and blew through almost all of our ammo trying to restock our food supply. Managed to grab almost 200lbs of fresh meat.


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Problem #2 rpgdemon got muthafuckin shot.

I cleaned his wound and continued. Then we hit another river.


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Problem #3 Flipped the wagon for the fifth time.


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Derps almost drowned.


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Horsecock suffered internal injuries which may or may not have been caused by the wagon flip.


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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/ot31.jpg


And then rpg got fired and...I...there really is no logical way the game can continue, even if I traded everything for medicine and fruit, and blew the rest of the ammo on hunting, that stuff won't last til the next stop. And Horsecock has food poisoning, scurvy, internal injuries, and is starving and thirsty.


http://www.newworldnews.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/sign.sorry-were-fucked-2.jpg

[Solid Snake]

I'm sorry Bob, but you're going to have to see us through to the very end. (IE, until you get the 'main character has died' screen.)

On the bright side, let's cheer on a Let's Play that's actually going to finish before the author loses interest!

[Flarecobra]

Derps was probably trying to get the rest of the stuff.

And trust me, you do NOT want him as leader. They'll end up in London. Somehow.

He ain't called "Derps McHuchins" for nothing.

[Bard The 5th LW]

You will continue until everyone is dead. Your viewership commands it. I also demand that you cannibalize Horsecock if that is a thing you can do.

[Bob The Mercenary]

I can't even get far enough for anyone to die. People are so pissed they fire him after walking a few miles and the game ends.

[Solid Snake]

Bah, that's right, you chose that crappy option where the game automatically ends when you're fired as opposed to when you die.
Lame.

[POS Industries]

Where in the hell are all these rivers coming from?!

And Horsecock has food poisoning, scurvy, internal injuries, and is starving and thirsty.
How in the fuck do you get food poisoning when there wasn't even anything left to eat?

Did Horsecock take a nibble from Nik's soggy corpse or what?

[Flarecobra]

Can't restore from an earlior save?

[Bob The Mercenary]

You can, but I haven't found a way as of yet to dodge the ending here. I'll keep trying though. To get to the end in our condition would go beyond miracle.

[RobinStarwing]

Dang it! Firing RPG should not be allowed! I saw we shoot the pioneers and babies and go forward anyways!

[Osterbaum]

What if we do one where we seriosly try to get to the ending?

[POS Industries]

What if we do one where we seriosly try to get to the ending?
http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/posindustries/facepalm/kira1.jpg

[Shyria Dracnoir]

What if we do one where we seriosly try to get to the ending?

Pfft, who does that?

[Osterbaum]

Me! I've never done that. Seeing as this was my first time participating in anything to do with Oregon Trail.

[RobinStarwing]

Pfft, who does that?

Exactly! Forward to the ending! No seriousness allowed!

And now it's time for something completely different... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNpkQhaXnC0&feature=related)

http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/song-chart-memes-oregon-trail.jpg

http://www.stuffthatwascool.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/oregon-trail.jpg

http://collider.com/wp-content/uploads/oregon_trail_conservationist.jpg

[Solid Snake]

What we need to do is gather everyone on NPF in Independence, Missouri

And buy a wagon and oxen and at least a few grandfather clocks

And all go on an epic adventure on the path of the Oregon Trail

[Flarecobra]

There wouldn't be anything left after we leave the cities and forts.

[POS Industries]

And all go on an epic adventure on the path of the Oregon Trail
...And, once again, Nikose is the first to die.

[Solid Snake]

...And, once again, Nikose is the first to die.

I suspect that this time, it would be because one of us killed him.

[Krylo]

What if we do one where we seriosly try to get to the ending?

Bullets and Bacon:... 06-22-2011 08:48 PM Bob Dole You have been promoted to trail guide

I highly doubt we'll make it anywhere.

[Flarecobra]

Yes, yes it is.

[Fusionman]

Let's do it again! Organ Trail!

[Solid Snake]

Let's do it again! Organ Trail!

I'm kind of shocked at how boring and monotonous Organ Trail becomes after a single playthrough.

[Krylo]

It's because it's way easier than Oregon Trail despite the addition of zombies.

[Fusionman]

Well one's all we need.

Zombie Token! Zombie Token! :P

[Shyria Dracnoir]

What we need to do is gather everyone on NPF in Independence, Missouri

And buy a wagon and oxen and at least a few grandfather clocks

And all go on an epic adventure on the path of the Oregon Trail

Artist's Conception

http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc230/Shyria_Dracnoir/oregontrail.jpg

Shyria's fixing to pull a muscle, Solid Snake is psyched, Flare is hesitant, and poor Nikose lost his hat. Also, there's a pig.

EDIT: And I just realized I drew one of Snake's thumbs on the wrong way.

[Solid Snake]

Artist's Conception


Am I in a lawyer's suit?
Also this image is amazing Shyria and you are amazing
This is all the more reason why this misadventure absolutely has to happen

[Fusionman]

You forgot the clocks and babies.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

You can see one puncturing the canvas on the wagon. Assume there's more there.

Am I in a lawyer's suit?
Also this image is amazing Shyria and you are amazing
This is all the more reason why this misadventure absolutely has to happen

I based your doodle off of that really old photoshop someone did of Phoenix Wright with Solid Snake's bandanna when you apparently needed an emblem. Can't for the life of me remember the thread it came from though...

[Solid Snake]

I wholeheartedly approve.

[Flarecobra]

You forgot the clocks and babies.

Hey, we need SOMETHING to fuel Shyria.

[Fusionman]

Hey, we need SOMETHING to fuel Shyria.

NOT ZE BABBIES!

[Red Mage Black]

You'd have thought she'd fill up on the town before everyone burned it down. Also, who says Nikose would go anywhere without me? Of course, no one would ever want to put me on hunting duty. I can see the 'So-and-So has an accidental gunshot wound' five times in a row. It's not part of my plan to take over as trail guide, no siree.

[RobinStarwing]

Your not leaving me behind! You need comedy relief or someone to give to the indians for passage. ^_^

[Bob The Mercenary]

Alright, this has to happen. Like tonight. I'll try to get something going asap, though a live, skype-filled adventure would be pretty neat too.

[Solid Snake]

Alright, this has to happen. Like tonight.

...

[POS Industries]

though a live, skype-filled adventure would be pretty neat too.
I might be down for it.

[Nikose Tyris]

Shyria.

I squee'd.