Magical Landry Sign-Up Part Deux - The Landrying!

[Teal Mage]

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Update to Ben's bio, offending spells removed, slight change in bio. Dropping Kurt because I don't believe this is the correct setting or time to broach a topic like bullying and his core theme stays mostly intact with or without him.

Noted, thanks. But you haven't actually addressed my main concern. As it stands, you still have Ben as an extremely charismatic kid - so charismatic that he was bullied all the time. In and of itself, this sort of contradiction will resolve itself one way or another in-character, but unfortunately, I can't wait that long.

He's in the Publicity club, you see. This might not be clear, but Publicity is actually really heavy interaction - his performance will be affected very heavily by his personality and character. If he's in Publicity, I need to know if people react badly to him and his eccentricities or not.

I suppose I can let this go if you drop Publicity.

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Additionally, as a point of clarification when you say "Relationships" do you really want a Summary of that person's bio? Cause that completely changes what I have written for them.

Details not specified in your Relationships will be supplied by me. What you have is fine, if vague.

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Ophiuchian Fascination I'm not terribly attached to. He doesn't handle snakes but watches them a lot as part of his research into Ophiuchus. It only makes snakes kind of...ignore him, not actually give him any snake abilities and I wasn't going that route anyway. I can drop it, I just have to figure out where to go with him.

So, why does he like the 13th sign anyway?

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Ben is his name. If you'd prefer a longer one Benjamin is fine.

Thank-you, it's appreciated.

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Celestial Intuition is technically possible if you knew the rough time and month that you were looking at the stars as long as you're really good at knowing the positions of celestial bodies. He isn't that good at this point but he thinks he is. If you'd prefer I can switch it to Polaris just being easier to spot but it’s already easy to find in general (Its part of the little dipper). This is to give him more ways to find it if the sky isn't perfectly clear or something obstructs his view.

Alright, so the power itself is a Black crutch to help him with his interest. Reasonable enough. Basically, it allows him to find the North Star based on the location of other stars easily, yes? Seems fine. As per usual with Black powers, he doesn't view this as remarkable. Minor Will drain, proportionate to the difficulty of finding the star (as is the time it takes to work).

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Originally Posted by Geminex

Allright, reworked the background. No street urchin, no jail, instead a rich dad and a jolly grandpa.

I like the idea of Dan blackmailing his own father, but if that's too melodramatic, I can just make the father do it voluntarily.

I see nothing wrong with this - it's a good concept. What's he using as Blackmail? In the marvellous world of PR, this is actually a relatively minor concern - anything screws with business. I would like specifics, though.

Will refrain from further power commentary, as per your suggestion.

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Equipment: Walking stick, Cloak, Nomad Clothing of varying hues and a mask bearing The Wanderer's mark.

Basic reminder, enchanted equipment requires a spell-slot. These are all mundane (colors don't shift unless he actually changes his clothes) unless otherwise noted.

Also what is his last naaaame!? D: Here is a list of Arabian last names to help.

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

It would take him a couple more years to reach the school. His strange views and religious beliefs would turn others away and it didn't help that his dim view of those who would allow themselves to stay in one place didn't mesh with city-folk. Also the fact that he had no concept of currency or a monetary system, since his tribe never needed one. Despite his lack of knowledge of boats larger than river boats, sailors were the only ones he could actually relate to. Never staying in one place too long, but he despised their false Gods.

The Wanderer would be a bit more helpful with this trip than it’s implied here. Would probably at least direct him to individuals who could help him – members of the Witches’ guild, mostly. Trip might have been a little quicker too, especially if Nasir was using spells.

You don't strictly need to have him take two years to arrive either - its not impossible that his tribe has diplomatic relations with the Witch's Guild, and that connection could be used to get Nasir on a plane to Amaranth, or at least, shorten the trip substantially.

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Canada was a strange new place of its own. So many trees, such little sand and more water than he would normally see in one place. His arrival at Amaranth was better received then he anticipated. Though he was left wondering what his patron would have him do next. Left where he was, The Wanderer had told him his future was here, so what choice was left but to enroll? However, this place was going to become uncomfortable quickly. The water fountains were a big deal and all these strange people he would have to deal with. He would need to bide his time, as The Wanderer could one night show him what he needed to do next.

“Young man! You are two years late!”

And that was when he met Professor Landry.

That totally serious (and canon!) addition to your backstory done, everything looks good here. Grats, Nasir’s character and backstory is approved – spells come next. Gonna preface this stuff with the statement that the Wanderer’s Brand may leave your character in this game. To be clear: This is not a planned event. It is just distinctly possible. Therefore, I recommend that you not build entirely around it so you’re not completely screwed over in the event that happens. It might not! But I would prefer you not die because you assumed the Brand was permanent at Char. Gen.

Ah, and as a reminder, Nasir has inherited the blessings of one of his tribe's other gods as God-Blood. What sort of purview do you want for it? Healing? Wind? He should still be able to use these techniques with the Brand, if he spent a bit of time adapting them.

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Bedlam Strike - (Not totally sure) -
By infusing his walking stick with will, Nassir only needs to touch or strike the opponent to activate the effect, which includes confusion.

I don’t have a problem with this spell’s concept. I would like you to be more specific regarding what ‘Confusion’ should make the target do, though. Physical disorientation? Something more specific? Is this spell supposed to draw on the Wanderer’s Brand, or is this strictly Old Magic?

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Deny The Infidel - (Surge? I'm not sure, entirely) -
It is a great sin to strike the Priests of the tribe, who are the chosen of their Gods. They are not defenceless against assault, however. With a surge of will and speaking the holy words of protection, Nassir increases his endurance to attacks, turning a bone shattering blow into a bruise or preventing a knife or similar sharp instrument from going in too deep and causing too much damage.

Finally. Someone who takes a defensive surge. Mechanically though, I need a little clarification on this effect. Does this create a barrier around Nasir reflexively, to protect him from physical attacks, actually harden his body to protect him from damage, or did you have a different mechanic in mind for this? The text suggests the goal of this spell may be to create a cushion-like effect around Nasir, to simply reduce damage, not actually stop it. Clarify?

Will mention that a spell which only creates a protective effect around one part of his body will be far less expensive then a full-body-defense.

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

The Wanderer's Mask - (This one is tough, at least to me) -
No one aspect of The Wanderer is the same except their eyes. In a way, Nassir can mimic this, by changing his skin color, hair color or in more extreme cases, gender. This came to be best used during his travels to Amaranth, where he didn't want to appear too foreign.

Is this an Illusion Spell, or Shapeshifting? Either way, would recommend a 'go-to' alter-ego form, which can be swapped to reflexively (or close to it). Free-Casting should cover the rest. Note that physical changes - Shapeshifting - will not include Gender Swapping with skin and hair colour changes. Illusions can, but they're, well, illusions. I don't think Nasir would be advanced enough for Glamour level stuff, so it would just be visual.

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Condemn The Weak - (Not totally certain about this) -
The tribe has very little tolerance for the weak in both mind and body. While they do their best to help fellow tribesmen become stronger, there just is no helping those who do not wish to put forth the effort. Targeting the opponent and as long as they can hear him speak, Nasir recites ancient words of condemnation at the opponent, effectively reducing their strength. Whether or not they can understand what he's saying isn't a problem as long as they can hear him. With more refinement and a higher grade, he may be able to reduce more then just strength.

Single target technique. Sound vector. Probably pure Old Magic. Nasir can't move while reciting this spell, and needs to focus his attention on his target. Steadily reduces the target's physical strength, until Nasir stops speaking or moves. Should be Green Elemental. If you'd prefer a more single-combat style ability, there are alternatives.

An interesting spell. Name's a bit counter-intuitive too, since he's weakening a target, not condemning someone who is weak. Why would Nasir learn this particular technique?

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Deny Change - (Spell hue somehow escapes me right now) -
The tribe does have knowledge of others with powers similar to their own, as such they would need to find ways to deny the harsh effects that some decide to wield against others. By channelling will through a prayer of healing, Nasir challenges and seeks to remove physical curse effects from himself or others. Later refinement might also include healing physically inflicted wounds as well.

A dispel ability. This will be a bit...complicated. Is it meant to be self-targeting or other targeting? Self-targeting will be an easier and quicker cast (couple muttered words should be enough). It could be adapted to work on someone else, but the cast time would be lengthened (it would technically be a free-cast as well). It would be less effective on others. Powerful curses may be difficult to dispel, even on himself.

Other-targeting spells are more complicated. The length of the incantation/cast-time will effect how effective the actual dispel is - as well as its range. A stronger dispel will prevent him from moving while casting. He'll also need a way to specify the person he's targetting - a gesture at the end of the spell and maybe eye-contact as well.

Alternatively, if its not meant to be long range (requires touch) it'll be easier and more powerful. You may also want to consider using an object covered in sacred script for his spell (say, a knife which needs to pierce a target's skin to remove enchantments on them).

Is this a prayer to one of the tribe's Non-Wanderer Deities (or the Wanderer themselves), or just a spell?

Should cover it. Specify what sort of model you want the spell to be and we'll go from there.

Originally Posted by Red Mage Black

Whispers on the Wind - [Color] Elemental - (This spell is from the incarnation before.)-
Impending danger lurks in every corner. Wherever the wind blows, fast or slow, Nasir can get an idea of what is up ahead by focusing his will on listening to what the wind tells him is there. The lesser form gives him a small idea how many people there are, but not where they're located or how strong they are. Another form of this is eavesdropping on conversations, but the further away it is, the more garbled the words become.

Pick one effect. Eavesdropping or Number of People.

Oh, I noticed you haven't really discussed what, if any, training Nasir has. Obviously, he's a mage, and he probably has some martial training. Seems a bit more focused on magic than fighting, though. Am I right?

Secondary. None of these spells seem to reflect on his great two-year journey, as interesting as they are. I'd do some substitutions, since he'd probably have run into challenges that certainly merit magic over that time.

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Backstory's actually pretty good this time. Few small points!

Originally Posted by Aldurin

They homeschooled her for the next two years until they were sure she wouldn't be a problem in the public, also during this time teaching her to fight with whatever she could reach or unarmed as a form of non-magical defense, before letting her go back into public schooling.

Her interests developed toward athletics and technology, partially intrigued about how both could work with well with magic, though she didn't shirk on practicing unarmed combat.

Magic takes a while to learn (like, at least a year, maybe two). So, this sort of education wouldn't make her a very advanced Wizard/Witch/whatever she is. A few months of basic martial arts instruction make her a beginner in that department too. Just wanna be clear, she won't be a great mage or fighter off the hop.

That said, I'll be classifying her competence in 'martial arts' as higher than her magical ability. Her current compliment of abilities is what she’s good at, spell design-wise.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Shatter Strike, _ Elemental:
Naomi chooses a target to strike, cursing them so that projectiles aimed at them curve toward weak spots, and begins to prepare a projectile of raw force that she fires at the person, the projectile being guided by the curse. The curse wears off once the projectile hits something. Intended to be Grade 2.

This isn't quite workable. "Weak Spots" is an RPG concept - they really don't exist in Landry. There are areas of the human body which are more...vulnerable? Like the stomach, if you want to knock the wind out of someone, or maybe pressure points which are more tender spots of skin on someone's body, but these aren't really "Weak Spots" in RPG slang. They're areas you can attack (well, pressure points are pretty hard to strike in battle) for...other effects than a broken bone.

What I'm basically saying is that a Curse which makes projectiles more likely to hit weak spots isn't gonna work in Landry. Too complicated a concept. Making Shatter Strike a Grade 2 Seeking Spell to help it hit a target is possible. You'd probably need to make it Grade 3 to get it to target one specific weakspot on its victim - and it can't find weak points that you, the caster, don't know exist. I suppose if the spell only damages that one specific point on the target's body, you might get away with making it Grade 2.

Additionally, curses are not instant hit - they can be dodged more often than not.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Surprise Strength, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi uses her magic to increase her experiments with human strength by briefly punching really hard. Strength Surge, Grade 1 power.

This is a Strength Surge which only works on her arms, then. Punching or lifting if she can do it fast enough. Using it makes her tired immediately after - it has a fair physical drain. A second use basically leaves her gasping for air, if it was done in quick succession. Will Drain is more mild.

Pretty basic, but if the drawbacks are fine, it’s an alright spell.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Electronic Override, _ Elemental:
Naomi has learned to be able to use magic to turn on/off simple electronic devices without needing access to the key/lever/switch. Requires physical contact with the device in question.

Little limited, but thematically appropriate. When she uses this technique, a small spell circle will appear at the point of contact. Takes about a second to use - won't work well if Naomi isn't calm. If you wanna avoid her emotions screwing things up, make her say/whisper "On" or "Off" (in Latin, or in English with italics, to denote a different language) when she's directing the machine. Blue (well, technically green tinted blue) Elemental if it doesn't use the Incantation, Green if it does.

Bard suggests adaperio for "On" and adoperio for "Off" I think.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Soothing Presence, _ Elemental:
When in a calm and clear state of mind, Naomi can generate a magical field that radiates calmness from her, in attempt to prevent potential fights and make people friendlier. Optimal effectiveness is within 10 feet of Naomi, rapidly decreasing in effect outside of that range.

Aura's too big. I don't like using exact measurements in these games. Best you'll get is short-range (like, a sword-length from her body), at grade 1, as an aura. The effect just calms emotions - how people react to it (become more/less friendly or more/less likely to fight) can't be dictated by this. Note that this spell makes Naomi's aura flare - the Awakened will know she's doing something. Strong emotions will be resistant and just dampened.

Really not sure what you plan to use this for. I don't recommend linking it to Naomi's emotions - which would be Old Magic - since a change in her emotional state could make the whole thing unworkable. Don't know if an Aura is the best vector. A touch-based spell might be more useful, but it’s your call.

Why'd she develop this spell? Were her friends getting into fights a lot?

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Regeneration Focus, _ Elemental:
Naomi clears her mind and focuses her magic into regenerating her wounds faster. She is unable to use other spells while in this state. Mostly seals minor wounds and stops bleeding for short term, but more serious wounds should get an actual doctor.

Alright, low-level regen spell, Modeshift style. Probably Yellow Elemental. Wizardry variant requires some Anatomy training which...I suppose she might have. It’s harder to learn though. I recommend the Yellow version.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Fitness (Advanced if acceptable)
MMA
Computers
Meditation

Suppose these fit well enough.

Regarding Fitness. She seems to have a little anatomy training (at least two of her spells require some knowledge of the human body), but I don't think that's quite enough to advance to Advanced. She's certainly got an affinity for this club though, from the sounds of it. Will get high marks.

While Mixed Martial Arts and Meditation make sense with her powerset, they're basically opposed styles. She seems a little more...suited to Meditation (if she can deal with the Buddhist weirdness) between the two. Might want to consider swapping Veterinary for MMA, since she seems to have a bit of a medical bent to her.

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Relm, after some thought, I have decided that Alice is acceptable. There will be some behind the scenes tweaks to her bio and relationships (this will be kept private) to make everything work, but as it is not something Alice herself would be aware of and they are also non-negotiable, I will not be informing you of all of them.

That said, you do need to make a few changes. 1) Alice's last name, and family name, is now Ex Niliho. Marshall or Healy can be aliases, if you insist on using them like that. The Null emblem is her family crest. Enjoy.

Originally Posted by Relm Zephyrous

Her typical outfit is a black plaid skirt with white stripes, a black beret, and a long sleeved and pocketed black shirt with various pictures of flowers and vines decorating it. Alice also usually wears a black cape, which has her crest on the back colored in white, leather gloves which also bear her crest within their palms, and that crest centered right where her stomach and chest meet. She also wears a white violet pin on her left breast. Sigil wards will adorn her uniform whenever at all pragmatic, usually hidden within this excessive outfit.

2) On her first day, Professor Shuyin (she was initially assigned to his homeroom) told her to go back to her dorm room and change. This outfit is not normal - lose the cape, gloves and the majority of the crests. Additionally, make sure she has more than one kind of shirt. Professor Silverstein, alias Madame Lala, would have continued this policy. If she shows up dressed outlandishly, she's sent back to her dorm. Chances are, her Club Directors will also follow suit.

Incidentally, she has a single dorm. Her transfer to Landry's class will come as a surprise - it happened recently, just before Halloween. She's only heard Shuyin and Lala complain about Landry before - really knows nothing about her. If she's looked for Landry, she's never found her.

Understand?

Update your profile accordingly, and I'll move onto your spells in my next review.

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Inbred, this character isn't too bad. The biggest problem I'm seeing is basically his relationship with the Secret Agent in the backstory. Secret Agents are supposed to keep the identities a secret (hence: Secret Agent) not get hired to tutor a ten year-old. Its really a pretty implausible thing - ten year-old kid tells his rich business people parents he wants to be a Secret Agent when he grows up, so his parents buy him a Secret Agent? No.

This can work still. If the guy's an Actor who his parents hired to keep an eye on their kid and pretend to be a Secret Agent, maybe! Alternatively, you can probably scrap the tutor aspect of this entirely and make him a gun hobbyist who happens to watch a lot of Secret Agent movies, and has picked up some of the mannerisms from them. Might even have some martial arts in his background (MMA, is what I'd recommend).

Originally Posted by Inbred Chocobo

Clubs:
Archery (Does this handles guns? If it doesn't, make this a Gun club if possible) It does.
Meditation
Cultural
Social Club - Not a club

Archery covers guns, yes. Meditation is essentially Buddhism - means its really mystical. Doesn't do a lot of fighting early on, so, if you think your character would get annoyed at some weird chick talking about how "Distinctions are Illusions" and making you sit in one place for hours, you might want to pick a different club. Perhaps something with melee fighting tricks?

Social Club isn't a real club. Need a different one.

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Originally Posted by phil_

So I read this, and I read Jack's bio like Dracorion said, and it seems like Jack's foster parents Awakened him and taught him some magic. Like, straight from his bio plus the presumably reasonable assumption that "study[ing] … basics of magic around the same time," didn't involve private tutors or going to Hogwarts.

So, yeah, how does the modern witch or wizard or geomancer go about raising kids if letting them in on the Masquerade will get spooks following their kids to school, and why do the Carters get a handwave for teaching their demon-touched foster son to be a leaf blower? Some people have a tradition to maintain; is there some paperwork one can fill out at the local chapter of the Wizard's Association or what? Does it up membership dues?

Jack's backstory is really condensed. There's details that Drac and I worked out which aren't on the Wiki - Jack's black magic was behind how hard he was to adopt. It developed in a way that complimented his anti-social tendencies and basically was ruining his life. Awakening is one of the possible solutions to this situation. His parents were both magicians, so they elected to go that route. They could have sealed his powers instead, but it was easier for them this way/his Mom isn't entirely in the Magical Mainstream.

And yes, there is paperwork that can be filled out when bringing your child into the Masquerade. It is still technically against the rules. However, if you go through the proper channels, have sufficient reason to bring them in and take the proper precautions (Jack's dad worked in a Wizard's School as a teacher, so he would have been able to get some of the items they use to prevent young mages from using magic in public or without supervision) things usually turn out okay.

Well, sometimes they end with your kid dead, I guess. Not the point!

Originally Posted by phil_

How do proprietary spells work in Laundry? Is there a Magic Patent Office where one can claim exclusivity on magic techniques against competitors, or is it the opposite, and no one can have private casting techniques to avoid any mage becoming too powerful?

There's no magical copyright. I suppose you could make a spell that can't be copied? It would be...interesting, though I'm not sure how viable or useful it'd be. Would depend on the specifics of the spell.

Some mages do have secret spells, but generally, these don't give them big advantages. The rules of magic are pretty air-tight for the Awakened - less so for Blacks and Whites, admittedly.