I mean, you can't have labia without Snake

[Solid Snake]

It occurs to me that a few of you who've recently posted in the "GENERAL NPF PERSONAL PROBLEM" thread may actually mistakenly believe, in some temporary bout of depression or anxiety, that you are the lowest of the low in human society.

I am here to cheer you up.
I am here to enlighten you as to just how amazing you truly are.
Reading this thread will cause you to thank the Gods above that, while you may face many trials and debacles in life, at least you are not Solid Snake.

I have realized in a rare moment of actual rational thought that there must be a reason for my complete and abject failure in All Things Dating. The reason is this: To make you all feel better, by account of sharing my tales of ceaseless stupidity and enabling you to take personal joy in the fact that you are not me. For no matter who you are or where you're from or what you believe or how you live, surely, you have known love, or at least you will know it.

I will not.
Ever.
Ever.

Yesterday I went on a date with a girl. We'll call her A, to contrast her with another story I have to share. A was a fairly attractive and intelligent blonde who works for a major government agency. We had a few chats about Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson on OKC and there were a few lines about our faith that I mistakenly interpreted as just fluff and that she later relied upon to make my life miserable. At one point she basically said "Hey Snake, we should totally go out and chat over coffee!" Yes in this circumstance she was actually the one who initiated the date.

We scheduled for Sunday and I was fairly excited, in part because I had not expected such 'good fortune' (note to self: nothing Snake actually ever does in any capacity with any woman should ever be referred to as 'good fortune') and in part because I figured if nothing else this date would be a great practice one for a longer-standing date I had scheduled today.

A showed up about ten minutes late. She had a slightly annoying voice and a tendency to dominate the conversation, but I figured maybe a more assertive girl would be a good potential match for me. We chatted for about a half hour over useless and unimportant shallow stuff like favorite TV shows and books and hobbies and why Thoreau was better than Emerson (or why Emerson was better than Thoreau.)

...And then she brought up Rick Perry.
(Well, more specifically, she asked me if I'd support Obama in 2012 and when I said I probably would, she brought up Rick Perry.)

I knew A had labeled herself a conservative but her profile really didn't dwell on politics and so I thought maybe she's a moderate or somewhat half-hearted in her beliefs. Nope! She went on for a good ten minutes about how foolish I was to support Obama and why Rick Perry was the right candidate to turn Washington around and bring jobs back to America and how he supported 'conservative cultural values' that Obama was attempting to erode that made America the country it was.

She then proceeded to articulate that as a 'man of faith' I undoubtedly supported traditional marriage values, so why as a Christian would I support a candidate like Obama that supported gay marriage? I profusely attempted to change the subject but she then proceeded to tell me how Rick Perry was going to enforce cultural Christian values and ensure gays couldn't get married. She never quite sufficiently articulated what gigantic stick she had up her ass that made her 'hate the gays', but her position on the matter was rather clear, and she apparently misinterpreted my own "Yeah I'm a Christian" comments on OKC as "Yeah I'm a Christian who hates gays."

I ended the date about fifteen minutes later before my blood literally boiled and I was consumed with a rage, making up some excuse of someplace I desperately needed to be. I told her I'd contact her, but I haven't contacted her yet.

...Maybe I should contact her though, as Girl B was about to remind me today of exactly why I should probably just settle on the first girl who actually expresses any sort of interest in me whatsoever regardless of what she may think or believe.

B and I had been talking on OKC longer, and it's safe to say I liked her more. I considered her the most physically attractive girl I was pursuing, though, so I really didn't have high hopes that anything spectacular was going to happen. We had a series of great conversations about our respective work and school histories, ambitions, hopes, etc. She also read a poem I wrote (not for her, just a generic not-a-love-poem that I shared her that showcased my writing abilities) and told me she loved it. I was quite happy with that.

Anyway I met her at a coffeeshop halfway across town that I had heard about, but never been to. First mistake: I was late, albeit only 3 minutes late due to Metro issues. I should have been fifteen minutes early. I was hoping to be early, as I hate to be late under any circumstance whatsoever.

The second problem immediately became apparent: B was gorgeous.
Okay the more appropriate way to put it is probably 'she was really my type.' But she was the absolutely rare case of a girl who looked far more attractive IRL than she had in her pictures. Admittingly I was also biased because, in person especially and in tandem with her voice, she reminded me of a slightly darker-haired, more-freckled version of a girl I had a huge crush on in college. And whether they were contacts or not, she had the loveliest blue eyes. I seriously probably had not dated a girl this physically attractive in years and the fact that I knew she was also smart based on our OKC conversations.

I immediately proceeded to abandon about 90% of the Dating Rules I'd studied about making such to touch a girl's hand X times during the date and taking initiative and acting like I owned the place and instead promptly acted like a passive dolt who forgot to even open the door for her into the shop. My attempt to offer to pay for her consisted of me whipping out my credit card and almost grunting instead of actually saying anything recognizable as a sound. At one point she asked me whether we'd like to sit outside or inside and I couldn't even make up my damned mind because I was too busy wondering what the hell cosmic lottery I won.

Still I tried to have decent conversation with her and I had a few halfway decent moments of engaging her like an actual human being.

Then strike three (I'm out) came when we began to discuss schools and she laughed and sheepishly confessed she graduated from [Insert Top 5 Ivy League School Far Better Than I'd Ever Go To Here].

At this juncture I did what any reasonable human male with my lack of self-confidence would do. I privately said to myself "If I pretend for a moment that I even have the slightest chance in hell with this girl she will hate me. We can only be friends. Do not compliment her appearance or she will feel awkward. Do not touch her or she will feel awkward. Just treat this like meeting a platonic friend so you don't come off stupid."

So I did! I proceeded to have completely boring conversation with her about our respective families and career choices and whatnot while asking a few platonic questions and never once expressing interest in her or following any one of the 101 Dating Rules About What Men Need to Do To Attract Women. I never touched her hand, I never complimented her, I never asked her questions about the kind of man she'd want to date or her ideal relationship or whatever, I tried not to stare, I never expressed interest in seeing her again. She meanwhile told me lovely things about her childhood and family and how she got into her career because she wanted to help people in need.

The one Rule of Dating I did follow was to make up an excuse to leave after ninety minutes because some stupid book about dating I read said "You should never have a first date more than ninety minutes long" and I thought to myself "This poor girl has to be so bored, stuck here wasting time with a guy several leagues below her."

...And then as we were getting ready to leave she reminded me that she had nothing to do for the next two weeks until her PhD program started.
DID I REALIZE ANY HINT? No I just said "Oh that's cool, I also have two weeks off now until my schooling begins."
Then she said: "I'm sorry you have to go so soon. I really enjoyed spending time with you. I hope we can do this again."
AND WHAT DID I DO?
Did I say to myself "Wait she might actually like me somehow for some reason" and then say aloud "Oh yes! I really enjoyed spending time with you too, you're incredible! I can't wait to see you again!" Or "Let's go out Friday night, I know just the place?" Or "I'm really glad I met you" or "Would you like to go dancing" or "to the movies" OR ANYTHING RATIONAL?!?!?!?

No.
I just stood there privately shocked and the only thing I could say was "Uhhh...Sure" so softly she may not have even heard it.
"Well, goodbye!" She said.

LSDFKJLKQWEIWQRBNANSAFGWQEHGQWNBNASKA aklfjdsaklfjskfdjakls

SHOOT ME NOW
...Welp that's over. There's no way she could possibly be attracted to me now unless she had some secret fetish for guys well below her league so submissive and passive they can't even think straight when she says something nice to them.

And the worst part is? For some stupid reason I've actually already asked two other girls if they'd like to go out for coffee and/or lunch for me at certain times over the next week.
Yes that's right. You thought my nightmares of absolute pathetic failure seriously God should kill me now under some 'Not worthy to exist' clause would end.

...But they're only just beginning. Knowing me, one thing is certainly true: I will fuck up the next two dates just as I've fucked up these two, and every date before those, and just as I'll fuck up every date afterwards, until the moment Death takes pity on my tortured soul and invites me into the underworld so that I can finally rest, while the rest of the Earth perpetually reflects on Solid Snake as the single most repulsively incompetent dater in the universe.

So here you go. Take pity on me, fellow vastly superior NPFians. Take pity on me and take a moment, each and every day, to reflect upon the occasional updates in this thread and bask in the glory that no matter how sad or angry or foolish or jaded you are, you are not me.